Addiction Counselling
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I did not mean that you should just "snap out" of your turmoil and life-long difficulties, no one would be able to do that I believe. But see how you read plenty of things into my words and/or in between the lines that were not there, and came up (again) with more vivid descriptions about your suffering and your resistance?
What I mean was simply that I am not sure how you could find a way to snap out of your stagnation and circling in the same, without help that is more than SR. Well, it's actually not exactly "the same" since you seem to keep discovering more and more disturbing and apparently hopeless elements of your past and present existence. You are doomed because you decide to be doomed. It all reminds me, once again, of what I already shared with you earlier, here it is again:
https://l1or.wordpress.com/2010/09/0...-and-his-bone/
I feel like SR is that "safe spot" for you now, which is great as that, but with the amount and weight of difficulties you seem to carry on your shoulders, it's never going to be enough, Strat... and it might even turn out harmful if you just use it as dumping ground, over and over, and do not add to the toolkit that's most likely necessary for you to truly start moving forward. Without more, it might just turn into yet another journey of broken fantasies.
I do not doubt the gravity of your problems for a second, your words speak for it in a very clear and powerful way. It's obviously very real for you and gets in the way of everything for you. Why you would need more, and you know this, Strat. But see what happens again? You bring up the idea of getting help on multiple threads, people discuss it with you at great length, and then you turn the whole thing upside down. Now you just pointed out, for example, that you were hoping to get into inpatient treatment and disappointed it did not work out. But then you refuse what would be available and feasible for you, and probably not even too complicated to start. This is what I mean, friend. This way, it will indeed be eternally doomed, but it's not that because external circumstances make things hopeless for you at the present, I believe.
What I mean was simply that I am not sure how you could find a way to snap out of your stagnation and circling in the same, without help that is more than SR. Well, it's actually not exactly "the same" since you seem to keep discovering more and more disturbing and apparently hopeless elements of your past and present existence. You are doomed because you decide to be doomed. It all reminds me, once again, of what I already shared with you earlier, here it is again:
https://l1or.wordpress.com/2010/09/0...-and-his-bone/
I feel like SR is that "safe spot" for you now, which is great as that, but with the amount and weight of difficulties you seem to carry on your shoulders, it's never going to be enough, Strat... and it might even turn out harmful if you just use it as dumping ground, over and over, and do not add to the toolkit that's most likely necessary for you to truly start moving forward. Without more, it might just turn into yet another journey of broken fantasies.
I do not doubt the gravity of your problems for a second, your words speak for it in a very clear and powerful way. It's obviously very real for you and gets in the way of everything for you. Why you would need more, and you know this, Strat. But see what happens again? You bring up the idea of getting help on multiple threads, people discuss it with you at great length, and then you turn the whole thing upside down. Now you just pointed out, for example, that you were hoping to get into inpatient treatment and disappointed it did not work out. But then you refuse what would be available and feasible for you, and probably not even too complicated to start. This is what I mean, friend. This way, it will indeed be eternally doomed, but it's not that because external circumstances make things hopeless for you at the present, I believe.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Strat if I may add to the above
This, so very much this. Does anything speak more of friendship and support than people discussing your needs "at great length"? Why would any of us do that unless we cared and wanted the very best for you?
You are not doomed Strat. You live in a place where you cannot be yourself, where memories are painful, where you repeat behaviour patterns. Fleeing is scary. Getting help is scary. Changing anything is scary.
You are a young man of what, 34? The whole world is in front of you for the taking. Why not walk into the future and well away from the dysfunction?
I do not doubt the gravity of your problems for a second, your words speak for it in a very clear and powerful way. It's obviously very real for you and gets in the way of everything for you. Why you would need more, and you know this, Strat. But see what happens again? You bring up the idea of getting help on multiple threads, people discuss it with you at great length, and then you turn the whole thing upside down. Now you just pointed out, for example, that you were hoping to get into inpatient treatment and disappointed it did not work out. But then you refuse what would be available and feasible for you, and probably not even too complicated to start. This is what I mean, friend. This way, it will indeed be eternally doomed, but it's not that because external circumstances make things hopeless for you at the present, I believe.
You are not doomed Strat. You live in a place where you cannot be yourself, where memories are painful, where you repeat behaviour patterns. Fleeing is scary. Getting help is scary. Changing anything is scary.
You are a young man of what, 34? The whole world is in front of you for the taking. Why not walk into the future and well away from the dysfunction?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
What's to say that I will get help by moving away??? Things will probably get worse. They keep getting worse.
This idea that 'I'm young', I'l bounce back etc is the greatest nonsense. The 14 years I mentioned looking for help- while my symptoms did improve somewhat for a few years (before gutting much much worse) they never fully subsided. I had anxiety disorders even while I was working away, my first car, my first place blah blah - I'm not going through all that crap again, no thanks. I wasn't living with no relative btw when I was down here as a teenager, I was out on my own. And my symptoms were much worse than they are now. I had no reference then but add intense agrophobia and panic attacks + terrible flashbacks and nightmares to the ones I've already stated. So that was my at 17 away from home with not a care in the world, supposed to be. Forgive me but 14 years later and I am pretty tired of the same ageist BS (around here).
Seeing as we are talking about ageism and somebody already mentioned victimization, and I am here wondering how my life has turned out like this while ordering what to do with myself, and also considering how much is 'all', when all is already lost…
It's relevant to what your saying: I had been through clinical depression, a stint in detox/inpatient and was battling what I now know to be PTSD. I did ask them in inpatient what my diagnosis was and while they wouldn't tell me exactly, they did say that it was caused by stress- nuff said.
I still very much had a will to live then. half of me at least. Well guy's, I had a little bit of an apartment for myself, I was private renting it. However I was claiming a rent supplement from the government for people who are out of work, that would be most people in the area I am from and aside form that I was a broken (young) man. The local office who administrated that benefit took it from me!!! I was living there in solitude, relatively at peace considering I had PTSD and was shared parenting there and doing a good job of it. They took it off me twice, which amounted to 3 years of uncertainty and I guess a battle, because I had to keep appealing it there was no grounds to do that to me whatsoever…
So for 3 years I had to keep the landlords off my back every week, while writing all these letters and going to meetings and generally feeling very uncertain and victimized, did I mention battling clinical depression, PTSD, and doing the single father thing (and well) at the same time. I did not enjoy any of that time whatsoever, and my drinking amped again just to cope. In retrospect, for whatever reason that office was trying to make me homeless. I knew I was fighting to keep a roof over my head, I knew it was important however I didn't now how easily a person could become homeless and stay that way. However, and completely not by my own valition tbh- I now realize thats what I am. Thats what I was then, effectively that is what I have always been. Becoming what you are, think I read about it once but i didn't know that it meant back.
So I hear what you are saying- maybe it's time to bounce. As for bounce back? I doubt that somehow, not without the support that I was under the impression existed but now I'm not so sure. And that's why it is a scary prospect for me. As for substances, particularly alcohol? Nothing chases fear away better I have found, regardless. Anyway that's that, don't get me wrong I'm not a negative person. I'm just positive to the point of being stupid. Happy Saturday F' it
This idea that 'I'm young', I'l bounce back etc is the greatest nonsense. The 14 years I mentioned looking for help- while my symptoms did improve somewhat for a few years (before gutting much much worse) they never fully subsided. I had anxiety disorders even while I was working away, my first car, my first place blah blah - I'm not going through all that crap again, no thanks. I wasn't living with no relative btw when I was down here as a teenager, I was out on my own. And my symptoms were much worse than they are now. I had no reference then but add intense agrophobia and panic attacks + terrible flashbacks and nightmares to the ones I've already stated. So that was my at 17 away from home with not a care in the world, supposed to be. Forgive me but 14 years later and I am pretty tired of the same ageist BS (around here).
Seeing as we are talking about ageism and somebody already mentioned victimization, and I am here wondering how my life has turned out like this while ordering what to do with myself, and also considering how much is 'all', when all is already lost…
It's relevant to what your saying: I had been through clinical depression, a stint in detox/inpatient and was battling what I now know to be PTSD. I did ask them in inpatient what my diagnosis was and while they wouldn't tell me exactly, they did say that it was caused by stress- nuff said.
I still very much had a will to live then. half of me at least. Well guy's, I had a little bit of an apartment for myself, I was private renting it. However I was claiming a rent supplement from the government for people who are out of work, that would be most people in the area I am from and aside form that I was a broken (young) man. The local office who administrated that benefit took it from me!!! I was living there in solitude, relatively at peace considering I had PTSD and was shared parenting there and doing a good job of it. They took it off me twice, which amounted to 3 years of uncertainty and I guess a battle, because I had to keep appealing it there was no grounds to do that to me whatsoever…
So for 3 years I had to keep the landlords off my back every week, while writing all these letters and going to meetings and generally feeling very uncertain and victimized, did I mention battling clinical depression, PTSD, and doing the single father thing (and well) at the same time. I did not enjoy any of that time whatsoever, and my drinking amped again just to cope. In retrospect, for whatever reason that office was trying to make me homeless. I knew I was fighting to keep a roof over my head, I knew it was important however I didn't now how easily a person could become homeless and stay that way. However, and completely not by my own valition tbh- I now realize thats what I am. Thats what I was then, effectively that is what I have always been. Becoming what you are, think I read about it once but i didn't know that it meant back.
So I hear what you are saying- maybe it's time to bounce. As for bounce back? I doubt that somehow, not without the support that I was under the impression existed but now I'm not so sure. And that's why it is a scary prospect for me. As for substances, particularly alcohol? Nothing chases fear away better I have found, regardless. Anyway that's that, don't get me wrong I'm not a negative person. I'm just positive to the point of being stupid. Happy Saturday F' it
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