Ohme

Hey SR,
Looking for some advice, I have a wedding this weekend (open bar) and it will be the first time I'm seeing some friends that I normally get trashed with. I am only on day 2 but I am really determined. This is my first time even considering being a person who doesn't drink. I'm freaking out a little. I know that I will be seated with my two biggest trigger friends and they will be watching me like a hawk. I'm not ready to tell them that I want to do this yet. I'm afraid everyone will think I'm pregnant if I'm not drinking. This is a group of friends who will grill me.
I asked my husband if maybe we could put two glasses of wine beside eachother and then I could pretend to drink mine and he could drink them both (lol) and he said he would, but I don't even know if they will fall for it/ I feel like an idiot for wanting to trick people bc I'm too much of a coward to say no.
But I know if I say no they will try to convince me to, and I don't think I'm strong enough to hold them off all night. not yet.
What do you do, in these early days, in a hopeless situation like this?

Soberwolf

Do you have to go its a massive ask if your on day 2

tomsteve

I'm g,ad to read a cincern about this, but I also read some things that concern me. One of them the concern of what others think. You shouldn't care what other think about you not drinking. If they have a problem with you not drinking, it's their problem. If they start grilling you about it a d try to get ya to drink they aren't friends.
The two wine glass thing.... Reads like asking to be led from temptation then slapping it right in front of ya. Seems rather insane to do that.
Three things I make absolutely certain I have when I go somewhere alcohol is served:
Right motive
Fit spiritual condition
An escape route.
But that's today a d long after I put in a lot of footwork on getting sober. I didn't attend an event where alcohol was served for....it was over a year. I remembered where I came from and did NOT want to go back.
What did I do in the early days?
I made sobriety my #1 priority. I didn't go where there was temptation. I didn't even walk down the isle with alcohol in it at the grocery store. I made recovery my #1 priority and did whatever I had to do to stay sober and attending any occasion where alcohol was served wasnt part of the equation to maintain sobriety.

PLEASE take some time and think about the consequences. Might be good to sit down and write a pros and cons list on it.

There are poeple that have had similar situations your facing, went,didn't drink, and thought that " had it licked."
Only to drink again.

Ohme

Thank you guys. I have to say that it is something I have to attend. She is a friend of 15 years and it would break her heart for me to back out 4 days before.
I know that I *shouldn't* care what they think about me, but the fact is that I'm a little obsessed with peoples' opinion of me. I try not to be, but it is something I think about compulsively... if I was in a good place psychologically I don't think I would drink so much
Anyways, I don't feel ready to talk to these people about this thing yet. Right now my sobriety feels very fragile and I know they would undermine it (because if I have a drinking problem what does that make them?). I would have done the same to them a few months ago, before I really starting thinking about this.

2ndhandrose

Could you just go to the wedding ceremony and beg off from the reception (headache, sick, whatever)? This would be a really slippery situation that I wouldn't have wanted to be in with only days under my belt.

It really does take a bit of time to build up your sober muscles. This sounds like going straight for the 200 pound barbell before you have lifted 5 pounds.

The thing with going sober is that there will always be some event or celebration coming down the pipeline that will test us. We need to have time to prepare for the test.

I hope you decide to start with easier challenges first

tomsteve

If she's really a friend she would understand and it wouldn't break her heart. It's her wedding day. Do you think your attendance is the most important thing she's thinking about? Do you honestly believe, on her wedding day, you not attending wold break her heart?
SERIOUS red flag here:

Anyways, I don't feel ready to talk to these people about this thing yet. Right now my sobriety feels very fragile and I KNOW they would undermine.....

Dee74

It's really early to be throwing yourself into the deep end of the pool, especially surrounded by folks whoi may not be supportive.

If you feel you really must attend , you need to start making plans now.

Think about what you might say to people who offer you a drink, or who ask why you're not drinking.

Think about an 'emergency break glass' escape plan, if needed.

there are some good tips here for all kinds of social occasions

Crying Out Now: Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Think about what strategies you have for dealing with cravings or thoughts that 'just one won't hurt'

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

You may find yourself a little miserable but you can do this sober.

Put your recovery first at all times - I wish you the best

D

MIRecovery

There are two things going on. The first and most important is the wedding. The second and least important is the reception.

When my only son got married I told him I made no guarantees that I would be at the reception. He understood because he would much rather have a sober father.

For me there is absolutely nothing more important than my sobriety. I guard it like my life depended on not taking that first drink because it does

doggonecarl

I'm with MIRrecovery and 2ndhandrose. Go to the wedding, skip the reception. Because 2 days sober is too soon.

Ronker

Well, my advice FWIW.. my doctor asked me how I would refuse the pushy friend... you know the 'go on have a drink' type...
and the advice was to blame the doctor and say your liver function test not good and you been told not to drink

Ohme

You guys have given me so much to think about. I kind of have a short memory with this stuff and always think that i can just 'handle it'. But nothing changes if nothing changes (from intervention show). That thanksgiving post was exactly what I needed to read. I know it's early on and I think I might have to bite the bullet and be honest with the friends while we are there (at the very least say I'm taking a break for awhile), and leave right after we eat, if I start to feel pressured. I think that if I give the 'I'm not doing it and don't bug me' attitude for long enough she will act hurt but she will get drunk and dance away to the friends who are drinking eventually. It will suck for me but my husband will be there to remind me why I wanted to do this in the first place. I am pretty codependent with my friends sometimes. I know that it sounds messed up but if I stop drinking I know they will feel betrayed. Ugh, cannot tell you how many weddings I've blacked out for. There are some ugly ass pictures out there where I think I just look so hot. I'm gonna read all of your advice and that article on Friday again before I go, and I'm gonna post back on this board Saturday morning. Even if I screw everything up and drink, I'll be posting here, and I will be honest.
You guys are amazing that you spent all this time writing me out help. Thank you.

bigsombrero

Some great advice above. The advice you didn't want to hear, alas, is the right advice.

Is your long term health and sobriety more important than someone else's wedding? If yes, don't go. If not....believe it or not, we understand. We were all new to this once. It's frustrating watching your plan unfold (a glass of wine in front of you? old drinking pals? two days sober?), and that's why you're getting seeing some red lights and stop signs here on the board from me and a couple others. I suppose I would compare it to listening to a college student promise to study for a make-or-break final exam...only to watch them walk out the door at 2am to hit the bar just hours before their test. It's hard to watch, but at the same time we've all been that kid. You live and you learn. I hope you don't go to the reception, but if you do I hope that you can learn something from this experience. We support you in your quest for sobriety and we all want you to pull through! Good luck.

ts808

Not to sound callous but as of now I would say your sobriety is more important than a friends wedding. If you must go though I would definitely put a plan in place now and follow through with it. The suggestion above of going to the actual wedding then passing on the reception is a good one. Good luck and hope you get through this.

NickOz21

Some good advice has been posted here.

Ohme, let us know how it all goes, ok ?

Me63

Sound advice from everyone. I've been sober for 27 weeks and 3 days so don't really feel qualified as such but here goes, personally it would be a no brainer for me because the consequences of a drink would by far outweigh anything else. But hey if you really feel there is no way out do make sure to get yourself a super duper plan, best of luck.

thomas11

I believe its quite common and acceptable to attend the ceremony and pass on the reception. I likely won't be a big issue, unless you choose to make it one. Maybe try keeping it simple. Like I'm going to have to pass on the reception, and let that be the end of it.
If you believe you have a problem, attending the reception with the friends that you've described would not help you.

Fly N Buy

I attended two receptions in my first year. It was casual and I split quickly. At one year I attended a reception for a family member. This one was indeed different.

The premise for me was simple - I am an alcoholic and all things being equal I do not want to die in active alcoholism.

So I had a firm exit strategy. I had a car and the keys. If things got funky I was gone - no ifs, and or buts.

It did not come to that but I was prepared. A friend here suggested the event might cement my decision to be sober - he was correct. Shout out to #74

Maybe consider posting from the reception. It might make you accountable.
When you wake up sober the day after you will feel great about your decision and be flyin

Ruby2

I feel like an old curmudgeon posting this but honestly, a wedding is just a wedding. It sounds like you have a posse of girlfriends that you used to go out partying with and now, one by one, you are all getting married. This happened when I was in my early 20s. Quite frankly, as the bride, I would register that someone was there at the wedding but it wasn't a deal breaker if someone wasn't there. The whole evening passed by in a whirl. It was the other guests who would notice. If you get drunk and blackout. Dance on the tables. Start crying in the ladies room over some perceived slight. Slur your words. Fall down. Look glassy eyed and repeat yourself. Puking in the bathroom. Puking on yourself. Your hair starts falling down and your makeup smears into sweaty globs. I'd say skip the reception or if you absolutely want to go, leave after dinner. Even that is fraught with danger. Wine with dinner. The champagne toast to the happy couple. "Oh, come on! Have a drink. One won't kill you!" Or the twenties "what? Are you pregnant?" I used to think that was the worst thing in the world to be asked. It isn't actually.

It's great that you're thinking of this now. Hang in there. We've all been there at one point.

Meraviglioso

Ohme, it sounds like you are going to go to the wedding, I hope it will turn out well for you. I also went to a wedding while trying not to drink and I did succeed. I was seated with people who were not close friends, some people I had never even met. They offered me wine and instead of saying "no thanks" I felt like I had to give an excuse (of course I didn't, 'no thanks' would have been sufficient for people I hardly know) I said "no, thanks, I'm on a round of antibiotics"
It sounds like your close friends are going to really push you on this. A wedding reception where they are all drinking, and the focus should be on the couple- is not the place to get into your decision to seek sobriety. In that moment I'd use the doctor excuse as Ronker suggested above. "We'll talk more at another time, but my doctor is concerned about my liver and I need to stay off alcohol for a while" if they push "honestly, now is not the time, we'll talk later and I really would appreciate not being pressured to drink, it is hard enough as it is"
You then, at a later time, really are going to have to talk to these girls. Peer pressure is not part of a healthy friendship, particularly once you get beyond the teenage years and particularly when it comes to something so serious.

Play the tape through Ohme, think of the ridiculous dancing around the room, the hushed whispers of "poor girl, what a mess" the smeared make up and slurry words. Think of that professional photographer who could get a great shot of sober you and your husband. Or he could get a short of a sloppy mess, hanging off the chair or making some stupid and inelegant pose.

Please do come back and post.

Meraviglioso

Here, watch this before going. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBCH_vswYKk