Spacegoat

This day is approaching for which I am grateful- I have been desperately trying to hold on here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...spooked-2.html

I'm also in a bit of a panic. Usual story, I'm trying to get my sleep pattern correct so as I don't miss the appointment. I'm sure I won't, but I don't even have a sleep pattern- I still often wonder how many nights there are in a day. Nothing new there, what I am freaking out about is what's going to happen guys? Just a few words and send me on my way? Things are seriously laboring on my mental health recently. There is a crisis approaching, in fact I feel I am already there. As I say, I have been clinging with hope (faith) and patience to this date but I am unsure why. Should I beg them to take me in guys? Or to send me away or something, 'cos I am going to be in the exact same position but obviously worse if it is a non event. Things are getting worse here all the time. It is difficult to explain but for the fact that I am struggling a lot. Help me please...

zjw

I hope it works out for you. Try and stay present. worry about things when you get to them IE cross that bridge when you get to it till then try and smile.

Saskia

Strat, strength to you! None of us can predict what will happen but it sounds to me like you are starting a journey. If it doesn't go well, there are always options. This doesn't have to be an all or nothing event.

thomas11

Hey Strat, I'll support you unconditionally, but 2 things kind of hit home. You said things are getting worse all the time, not sure if that is in regards to the external stuff or the boozing. Either way, that's obviously not good. And you are asking for help. If I could, I would. But can't. You have to help you. C'mon man, you've been at this for awhile, with good stretches of sobriety. Make a decision, and follow through. I hope if the option to go away for awhile is available you take it. Sure as hell can't hurt. Wishing you the best.

chickippo

tell the doctors you're struggling to keep yourself safe. and then do exactly as they decide.

good luck.

Verte

Hi Stratman, my suggestion would be to try to find out as much information as possible regarding the day of your appointment. Things like transportation to the building so you have plenty of time to take care of whatever paperwork ahead of the appointment.

Call the office and ask them as many questions you can think of that may ease your mind: will there be paperwork? How long will the first appointment be? What happens during first appt? Who will I be meeting with and what is their experience? Does s/he specialize? How does follow-up work? If the person on the phone is kind and has a moment they may be able to ease a lot of worries.

Try to think about what specifically concerns you. Are you afraid of repercussions if you are honest? Consider being upfront with concerns.

This is your time.

Spacegoat

I did ask a few questions on the phone the other day, Verte.

It's a psychiatrist, and apparently a good one and a nice man.

I'd hope he's not mean anyway. What kind of repercussions?

What do you mean, Chickippo? You are not wrong anyway.

It's all fear based. Fear of conflict. Anxiety, stress, insomnia.

For years I would ask myself what are my real problems? Drunk, stoned or straight as I am now :no peace in my life. I can't find any peace, security and stability- despite all my very best efforts.

In response to your comment in the other thread, and I'm glad you are doing well now- yeah I am on disability also. I was so broken 10 years ago that I qualified officially. I haven't made any semblance of a recovery, about the best I have managed in my attempts to integrate back into society has been to get a haircut and some new clothes and go out drinking to oblivion every day, which I obviously don't enjoy. But this here now, this is a perpetual sober nightmare as always.


I'm not boozing Thomas. It's in regards to my mental health. When I made the appointment I was in much calmer state. My anxiety, stress, insomnia fear etc has been increasing exponentially ever since.

I'm just generally losing the plot. I can't focus or get anything done, even the rare things I enjoy. I'm folding under pressure. Yes it's in response to external stimuli and always has been. There is little I can do to help myself, I have been abused so consistently all my life I longer know what is what anymore. I could put on some nice clothes, converse with you about any topic, tell you what you want to hear and you would never know it man.

But I can't even do that anymore, and why would I even. My life is ghastly. I realise there is nothing you or anyone here can do to help me except for offer advice and maybe allay my concerns somewhat...

Saskia

Strat, a good pdoc can make a huge difference - but it's a process and a journey. One visit won't solve your issues but you are making a start and that in itself is positive. I hope it goes well!

Marcher13

Strat as I suggested on your other thread maybe it's time for a change? I think going to this doctor is an excellent idea, he comes recommended to you and sounds like a good bloke so that's an excellent start.

When we get sober we are in fact only at the beginning because once we get sober we then have to build a sober life. I'm wondering if you feel life is so "ghastly" because you have remained in the circumstances/home you were in when you were drinking and you're obviously not happy with that.

Could you consider moving to another town, perhaps a larger one, to look for work and a place to live? If you were to take a room in a boarding house or share house for a while you could work towards a small place of your own.

Change doesn't come to us we have to create it.

I hope the appointment goes well and gives you hope.

MythOfSisyphus

Just focus on that one, Strat- the appointment- and let the rest fall away. It sounds like you're at a point where there's nothing to lose and that can be a very freeing moment. Just try to let it all go...the fear, the anxiety, the pain, etc. Just give it away. Keep yourself open to whatever presents itself.

Again, nothing to lose. If the shrink is mean or they can't help you'll be no worse off for it. But if they can help you could turn around all the misery and move towards a life that's worthwhile and meaningful to you.

Spacegoat

Thank you Saskia. Marcher I read your comment in the other thread and was going to reply today, I have a several threads happening i.e. problem's and this has always been the case.

First up, I am recovering from a lot more here than alcoholism. What I went down with initially and lost my job because of was clinical depression. Which was only the start I now realize of fully blown PTSD. I wasn't even a big drinker then, in fact, I had somewhat overcame all my adversities and was working towards building a future for myself. I was self actualizing and beginning to transcend according to the Maslow thing which I studied before. I may well have been a latent alcoholic, but that wasn't my issue then. I don't know what to say to the rest of your post being to be honest. What you suggested, to me it sounds scary as all hell? Work towards a small place of my own? Yeah, and by the time the kid is an adult maybe he can come and stay with me then. Of course, his life will already be ruined by then and he will hardly know me anymore. And believe me, he will be carrying the pain of that based on the bond that we have.

He has already suffered enormously. I'm the only person believe me who can prevent him coming to any more harm. Sure, others may be able to cure him down the line or maybe not as look how my life has turned out. Nobody was looking out for my welfare were they? The people who created this situation for us, they still have him now as their little lab animal and trophy. They have all our money (mine and his). They have a big house that they are planning to use him as a scapegoat in their battle to take ownership of, the lie being that they have built a family life now around him is their story (my abusive family) and last and also definitely least- they have all our belongings, the best of A/V equipment that I worked for years to buy, plenty of high-end things related to my interest and passions in life that I worked hard for. They are even wearing my clothes (my brothers) and everyone just taking what they want from my belongings while I skulk around here in rags and with nothing. None of them have barely worked a day in their lives and have a utopia built for themselves from inflicting pain, projecting lies and plain old taking it from others. Where is the justice in this?

I'm not just gonna walk away in full knowledge that that kid will suffer, I could have done that a long time ago. These people have got be stopped somehow. I don't know how and I need help.

MythOfSisyphus

I'm sorry you have to go through all of it, Stratman. All you can do now is to work towards getting back what you can.

Verte

Do you have hope, Stratman?

Think short-term goals right now, right? Sleeping, for one. You need support to take the best care of yourself and you are working towards this. Bravo. There is no control over others' behavior and response. Extracting yourself from the circle of dysfunction so as to alleviate the chronic stress and anxiety a bit sounds like a great short as well as long-term goal.

Can you see how you need to physically get out of that maelstrom? Can you imagine how being removed might go a long way towards achieving some peace.

How much would you pay to no longer have to deal with your FOO? Perhaps let go of the clothes, house, equipment. The price is much, much higher than the actual monetary value.

Like Wolfie reminded earlier, 'Rome was not built in a day'. Even while on disability you can find some meaningful work that feeds your soul. What are your goals?

JerryFish

I've seen a psychiatrist and other therapists for years in the past. You have nothing to worry about, they have the responsibility and they know what they're doing.

They will not judge you. They just don't. They will care.

It's rare, but sometimes it turns out that with one particular person you don't feel good. It is ok to say that and they will find a way to solve that. You can always ask for someone else.

But you already mentioned he's a nice man and no psychiatrist, except for a rare few, is mean. It's a very caring typing of person who is drawn to this profession.

Do give it some time to get used to each other. It's a mistake to decide during the first session if you feel comfortable enough with someone. You can't really tell until you've at least had a few sessions and there has been a chance for a rapport to be established. Sometimes it happens right away, sometimes it takes a little bit of time. But they're trained for that.

The only thing you have to be is honest. Even if it means telling them that there is something going on but you don't feel comfortable talking about it. They will take it from there.

Give it time, be honest and it will be fine.

chickippo

Strat, you say you feel a crisis is coming. how would that manifest itself and how would it affect your behaviour? when I said about struggling to keep yourself safe I meant just that - if you drink there is a high chance of very bad consequences. discussing this with a psych will give them a good idea of what you need next.

having said this, I have a GP appointment next week as I can feel my mood slipping. i will have to try VERY hard to tell them I'm struggling - they need to know tho and I need the help.

we just need to keep on keeping on. use the help the doctors offer. if they don't offer help, see a different doctor until somebody does.

be well.

Spacegoat

It is unbelievably stressful what I tried to convey there. Daily life, the walls here literally shaking around me and literally anything else is merely an inconvenience and pales in comparison. You are right, I know this, the past cannot be changed but I am very much freaked about the future. Had to take a break from this horrible room, I paced about the house since while having fully blown discussions with myself and also tried to lie down for a bit. It's making me ill.

Good questions Verte.

I do actually. I managed to build up a lot in the run up to these court dates, because I'm trying to do the right thing and my intentions are pure. I figured that by my reckoning, as much pure badness that there is in the world and that I have basically always been surrounded by, there has to be an equal amount of good out there somewhere, right. However hope is the very thing that is being eroded here day by day with my situation as it is, it's coming right down to the wire for me now.

I do. Absolutely. This situation is insidious and it is still under control of my dysfunctional family. It doesn't matter which side, they are all the same. They need this dysfunction for some reason, and I can't function because of it. The problem is, I don't just wanna jump from the frying pan into the fire you know? I can't just run away, because I would have to come back to fulfill what my duty is. And I just do not have the same energy I had when I was a kid for dealing with the street. Using my wits to go from party to party. Sleeping rough whenever I had to. Beating scumbags off me. F' that man, better the devil you know in this instance, although it is costing me my sanity at this stage. Tough call this is for me.

I thought I already paid it!!! 11k, everything I had and that was the point. That if they didn't pull through I would know exactly where I stood without question, and could move on from that. Little did I know what I was up against, seriously. As for this side of the family? I kissed goodbye long ago, they just managed to worm their way back in at times when I was extremely vulnerable. I haver never depended on them for anything, my whole life I have been trying to shake them off. Whilst also feeling guilty and having mixed emotions. But that is the difference now, just scratch that last part. They all deserve each other, both sides, and I do not want any part of it. I'm finally clear on that. In a sense, maybe I am grateful that I was neglected and abandoned as a kid, because that is probably what makes the difference now today. Thank you God.

I don't particularly have any. I have one mission on this earth and that is to prevent all of this from happening again. Because it is happening already now to the next generation, and that is a travesty. I have the potential to stop it, and there is still time I think. I've been thinking of all different ways how, there is one simple thing that this side of the family could do which would go a long way to it and I have pleaded with them and yet they won't. Even though it's in their own best interest too, and not mine but it would benefit the kid. But nah- they would rather see the dysfunction through so long as they can feel in control of it and manipulating it even at their own expense. This is why it's so crazy here, and I have lost all respect for these folk and now I know why. What I have realised with all these court dates is something I didn't quite expect and certainly didn't realize when I was hopeless and drinking. That, hey: my only interest and mission in life is also the courts same interest and is in the interest of society also. I thought about it in detail and am pretty sure I know now the reason's why, on both a practical and esoteric level somewhat. I wasn't expecting that. How mixed up was I? Very mixed up. So, even though I know very little about them, maybe through societal structures and norms would be the best way to proceed? But definitely, in regards to this mission the clock has been ticking away here and I am pretty overwhelmed, and also how did I not see it sooner...

Thanks again Chikkippo. To answer your question. It's manifesting already in the intense anxiety and insomnia. Further to that, as Zjw said above I am struggling now to stay present- all the fretting, pacing about, talking to myself etc. Further to that again, a complete crisis? Self destruction and annihilation basically, whereby drink is my drinking is my well established preferable method of self harm. And that's all it is to me. At my kids age I was cutting myself. Soon after that, I tried to hang myself several times I had a long letter written. Soon after again I discovered various means of dissociation- solvent abuse, alcohol and so on. I eventually settled on alcohol as my preferred method of self harm. So that I guess. As an aside, when I was a teenager and on my better days we used to hang out every day after school in a bar there was a pool room. I had no idea what I wanted to do in life, I only knew one thing- that I did not want to end up like those same few guys drunk at the bar every day. It was not so many years later that I was exactly that. Funny how that works? Never wish for something in the negative is what I would tell my kid, if I ever get the chance.

Ok guys I'm taking another break. Not even proof-reading all that, it is what it is. Peace out and thanks.

Wholesome

I'm going to echo some of the responses above.

First I think you should do what you can to get yourself into a regular sleep schedule. That alone will help to clear your head space and normalize your emotions.

Next I do think you should be considering short and long term goals and setting up the steps you will need to take to reach them. Yes in the short term your son may or may not be able to have his own bedroom or whatever, but it is a stepping stone to getting to a time where he will. No?

Long term goal, a place where he has his own bedroom.

Short term goal, a place where you have your own privacy and are not dependent on the old biddy.

What do you need to start thinking about and doing so these things can become a reality?

Therapy is going to help tremendously! And that is a goal that you set for yourself that you made happen. Keep being resourceful. Take advantage of all the help you can get. It won't happen over night but over time it will come together.

Spacegoat

Long term goal? The child is now 9 Zen. I'll still be here fretting about this when he is 19 as I have been for past decade. I've missed out on everything. The relationship I've had with him has been manipulated dictated and controlled in all that time by his mother. And still I believe I am responsible for the better aspects of his personality (bet your house on it). I've waited around all that time to see where it was headed, and its a shame the clinical depression & PTSD were clouding my judgement but. Missed out on everything else too. No partner or girlfriends, made no new connections or friends (lost the ones I had, all the female ones had to go first per my ex, and her conditions), no career, gave up my dj'ing dream to raise him. I could go on. There is no long term man, tomorrow never comes- that's about the only thing that I have learned. Short term goal? Real tricky that. I've never had much privacy before so I'm not sure how it works. Join the Hare Krishna's? I dunno.

My emotions are normal I now know, given the confines of my life. Wouldn't your's be? Any of yours? Should they be more in line with my family? I always wondered what made me more sensitive and sentient than most of my mates and guess what I found out. It's the empath thing. And it is caused or should I say earned by a lifetime of being aware on some level of the narcissistic abuse. Wish I knew that before now instead of 'I suffer because I suffer because I suffer.' etc.



Bukowski was the same of course. It only dawned on me last night, wasn't he abused badly when he was younger too? Yeah, he was. Anyway thats a response, thank's. Went to bed this evening thought I was down for the night after being up all last night.. Just woke up and ready to go, bright outside. But it's still evening, the sun is going down! Lol, damn girl x In therapy to deal with people who should be in therapy, isn't that what they say? It's a strange ol' world this life.

Spacegoat

Bukowski enters the mix above @ 3:26 if you are into that sort of thing.

Yeah, I'm grumpy aside from everything else. That happens. Anyway I'm putting this here as a reminder- 'to live or die in peace'

I wanna write a song about that or more likely a poem. Can't sing thats for sure. I can't even play the guitar I bought, I have no speaker for it.

My MOFOO's have 3 pairs belonging to me. I'm kinda reluctant to buy another as who get's those? Good looking out folks, I'm going back to bed https://youtu.be/AuTJB3GbF80

thomas11

Hey Strat, I apologize, I had no idea now deep (and probably still don't) the issues were. Again, I'm sorry as I assumed it was alcohol related. Thinking of you boss, I believe in the end, you will be victorious.