Meraviglioso

I think this is the right spot to do this, I have seen other similar threads and think that something similar for myself will be helpful.
I want to keep track of my progress in one place so I can easily find my weak spots and deal with them.

Today I woke up feeling fine even after drinking yesterday. Fortunately I didn't get very drunk, just slightly tipsy. I can still feel the crack in the door that the alcohol opened though. Even just a little bit of alcohol running through my veins makes me crave more and more and more. It is time for me to accept that even if it is at time difficult to not drink, it is still far easier than trying to stop once I have even one sip. In fact, stopping once I start is impossible.

I HATE that I drank yesterday. I was having such a productive day, getting so many things done and being such a great mother. I had cleaned the entire house from top to bottom, made a nice pasta for lunch followed by some grilled meat and vegetables. I had set aside all the dry laundry on my bed to be folded or set apart for ironing and had done another load of wash as well. Once I started drinking, not even close to being tipsy, just a little bit of alcohol, I just shut down. Everything was harder. It was hotter, I was more tired, I lost my patience and my will. The kids wanted to show me their lego creations and I just kind of "oh yeah, nice" blew them off. Thankfully the kids had been invited to their grandparents house for a sleepover with their cousins, but who knows what I would have made them for dinner.
When I went to bed last night I just swept the clothes on my bed off to a pile on the floor. The wet clothes are still in the washing machine, waiting to be taken outside and hung- they probably smell like mold now and I'll have to use water and electricity to wash them again, how wasteful on my part. Alcohol renders me worthless. I hate who I am and what I do when I drink.

I love the idea of a glass of wine with dinner and loose laughs and great conversation. But that is not me. That is other people, people who don't have a problem. I am the one with glazed over eyes, slurring my words, saying stupid, inappropriate things, overly aggressive and flirty, rude and annoying and stupid and sad.

I'm going to do this. It is not even scary. It is a little bit sad, but I'll learn to let go of that. What it is though is confusing and difficult. I am walking through this door and it is like everything behind it is black and there are no walls to reach out to touch to try and find my way, I am just walking into blackness. I want to go there, but I have no idea where to walk, how to walk, should I go slow, is there something in my path? I don't know who I am without alcohol. I don't know how to sit at a dinner table without a glass of wine to sip on. I don't know how to mow the grass without a beer at the end. I don't know how to laugh hysterically with my only girlfriend here without having a drink.
People say I'm a great dancer. Am I without alcohol? My friends love my easy going, natural way of hosting big dinner parties, can I stay calm without alcohol? My boyfriend thinks I'm spirited and sexy and fun, am I without alcohol?

I know that my MANY, MANY negative qualities will improve when I am solidly alcohol free. But what about my good qualities? I'm not all that bad of a person. Will those change also?

Ok. Time will tell and I'll have to muck through those issues as they arise. For now I am off to the gym. It is cardio day so I'll sweat out all the alcohol from yesterday. I've got several critical time frames in my day. God only knows why 11-13:00, after having been so healthy and working out, is one of them, but it is. I think because my only friend here loves a morning aperitivo and when I'm driving home from the gym and see her there I love to stop in and enjoy this newfound friendship. It has since become habit and 11:00-13:00 are tough hours for me to get through. I'm going to the gym later this morning to try and put my workout during those hours. I will also take a different route home. I commit to myself to make it to 14:00 without a drink. At 14:00 I'll go from there and hopefully re-commit to more hours alcohol free. This will get easier as the days pass, but having had drank yesterday the temptation is greater.

isabelles

I understand what you wrote.
By the way, my tough hour is 16-18h. Afternoon aperitivo. And I also have a boozing friend, she starts sometimes at 9 and is surprised on the phone when I say: bit early?

Meraviglioso

I made it back from the gym safely I made plans to go surfing later, so that is a good reason to not drink! I will have lunch soon, I made a delicious eggplant curry. I am trying to eat less meat these days because I am concerned about our planet. Recycling doesn't seem to be enough. How can I care so much about outside things and so little about my own health?

isabelles

Cause its easier to control than not drinking

IOAA2

Hi.
I’ll bet you have far more good qualities than negative. We alcoholics are in general NOT bad people but have been misguided addicted to alcohol folks.
We have all sorts of backgrounds which we fall back on, many quite dysfunctional which require attention, some complicate simple things as a habit, many like myself don’t know what we don’t know and need to learn that the stove is hot more than once.

My first acknowledgement for sobriety is that I cannot drink alcohol in safety and accept that as fact.

BE WELL

Dee74

Lack of self esteem often manifests as a lack of self care for me.

I needed to discover my worth as a human being - and the first step towards that was - you guessed it - staying sober

D

trachemys

Hey! Are we done with the hair shirt, self flagellation episode of the evening?

You can live addiction free right now. Just stop. No more. Ever. Commit to it. No more. Now. DO IT.

Meraviglioso

Reasons not to drink:

I will be a healthier person
I will be a happier person- no depression the "day after" less anxiety, less insecurity
I will be a better, more present mother
I will be a better, more present girlfriend
My work will improve
I will have more time to keep my house clean, work in my garden, read and cook
My skin will improve
I will lose weight
I will no longer have to worry about how I behaved the night/day before
My performance in the gym will improve
I will have succeeded in overcoming the #1, most difficult hurdle of my life

stark6935

Yep, for every reason to drink there is like 5 reasons not to. It's really hard getting through the first few days so I always tell myself I don't want to give up my progress. Not to mention my anxiety is gone pretty much after a few days.

Meraviglioso

I'm having a really tough morning. I don't know why. I am so emotional, crying. I feel desperate and like I will never win this thing. I don't know how to try any harder and I also cannot give up. I want to beat this so bad but I just feel like a complete and total failure. I get terrified when I have one or two days down thinking, "yeah, whatever, sooner or later you're going to fail again" I am sick of this ****. I try to be a glass half full type of person but I am just in a bad spot lately. I am starting to lose hope and that worries me because that can only make the situation worse. I know that, I do. It is 10:00, I am still in bed. My kids are watching tv. I'm not hungover, it is not for that, it is just I feel so down today. I have to get up, this is ridiculous.
I;m going to make some sandwiches and take the kids to the beach. If I can ever get out of this bed.

CaseyW

Quitting drinking got a lot simpler for me when I stopped viewing it as a battle. I am not going to win against alcohol so I just refuse to engage with it.

Hang in there, Meraviglioso. It can and will get better. Give sobriety and recovery a real chance. We're here for you if you need us...but mainly go easy on yourself.

This is a marvelous thread so far, by the way. Keep building up those accountability muscles!

isabelles

You can do this

Soberwolf

Mera have you inquired about rehab ?

IOAA2

These things came about after drinking was not an option any longer.
The biggest benefit for me is being comfortable in my own skin most of the time. WOW!

BE WELL

Meraviglioso

I am thrilled to announce that it finally happened for me. So many of you kept talking to me about "surrender" and letting go of the fight with alcohol and as much as I tried I just couldn't get to that spot, I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept. It sounds simple, but for so many of us it is not. I don't think it is something you can force yourself into doing, it just has to come. Well, it came and I finally know what you all were talking about. I finally "get it". I feel free and like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. There is no fight anymore. There will be no more drinking and I feel happy with this decision instead of angry and resentful and like I am missing out on something.

I spent all of Sunday and all of Monday drinking myself into that sloppy, gloomy state. Something happened yesterday though where I seemed to come outside myself for a time and I got a good look at just how pathetic, sad and gross my life and myself had become. It was tragic to see but I am so thankful it happened. I had never felt such self awareness and peace. I just dumped the alcohol and said "that's it. I'm finally done"

This doesn't mean I'm not afraid though. I've made convictions and declarations before. I'm terrified that I won't be able to maintain this level of peace with my decision to give up the fight. I'm terrified of facing temptations, of my addiction getting the best of me. But I feel closer than ever before having finally experienced this surrender that I had heard so much about and tried for so long to make myself feel.

I'm done with alcohol and I won't miss it. I can't wait to start finally living life. My life is wonderful and I was wasting it all away by not really being present. I'm ready to go forward now and face all those joys and all the challenges with a clear head, heart and soul.

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who kept repeating the same advice to me over and over. It finally made the impact that I needed it to.

TroyW

Great to hear Meraviglioso, and glad you made the decision.

As many others here will ask, do you have a plan in place?

Meraviglioso

Yes I do. I'm significantly changing up my routine and driving routes to avoid tempting places. I also stopped by my favorite bar this morning to see my friend (the one who likes the morning aperitivo). I explained to her I had finally and firmly decided to stop and that. I would appreciate her support and that I hoped we could find new ways to spend time together. She was completely supportie and said she agreed with and supported my decision. I am attending weekly meetings at an outpatient rehab center as well as meeting with the psychologist there. I am reading the books she asked me to read as well as doing the other homework. In addition I told my children's father and his family that I have made the decision to quit. I will also of course stick close to SR.

doggonecarl

There is certainly a mental shift that has to occur. I can't count how many times I told myself, "Tonight's the last night," or "Tomorrow is the last day," or "I have to quit..." without doing anything specific about it.

One day the switch went off.

The drunken spree that launched my current run of sobriety ended much like yours. I saw clearly what my drinking was doing to me. The veil was lifted and I could no longer deny my problem. Call it an revelation. That morning I vowed to quit drinking.

Sadly, I knew nothing about recovery and relapsed two weeks later. Proof I was an alcoholic. After that I found SR, learned about my addiction and recovery from it, and haven't had a drink since.

Stay vigilant in your recovery and you'll make it.

CaseyW

Sounds like you're on the right path today, Meraviglioso. Keep us regularly updated please! And remember you don't have to take that first drink today no matter what!

Fly N Buy

Recently I saw a friend in the rooms pick up a 1 year chip. She shared how she did it.......

She made the comment - I am really good at quitting. I've done it lots of times!!

For many of us this is indeed true. As Carl posted I know for myself it was indeed like a switch was turned on. Or maybe the dimmer switch was turned way up and I could see the light. I became accepting, willing and ready. Nothing really dramatic, it just was....... I found my words no longer matter to others - just my actions.

If you've reached that point wonderful!!! If not, don't ever give up. Grace is not just for those who have found it, for whatever reason. It's is there for all of us

Thoughts for you, friend......