Can I blame someone else for my relapse?
 

I read this on the Forum the other day: "A huge step in your recovery is leaving the circle of friends you once knew. Surrounding yourself with positive people who are either sober or supportive of your sobriety is an important part of maintaining a sober lifestyle."

I am thinking how important that is for me. I have to admit that I got drunk last week despite not really wanting to and I am going to blame it - partly - on someone else. Basically I met someone I used to work with and he chose a swanky bar as the venue and ordered an expensive wine and I just caved in and had a beer with him, which turned into four beers and a hangover.

As soon as he'd got the wine down him, he was arrogant and nasty and trying to show me how much better than me he is, brining up private things from my past which I'd told him years ago in confidence in a way that was designed to make me feel low. I remembered very quickly why I''d avoided him recently.

Look, I know it wasn't his fault I drank. I could have had a coffee or not gone. But under his influence, the sensible approach I normally have to alcohol and recovery was swept aside.

He wanted me to do him a favour in business and afterwards I wrote a polite email to him explaining him why I can't. The reality is, I don't want to work with him again and I have no need to do so. I won't miss him and I don't think he'll miss me.

In the past, blaming other people for my problems was a characteristic of my alcoholism. So he's not to blame but I will avoid him anyway.

The thing is you chose to take the drink. It's that simple.

If he spiked the drink that would be a different matter.

I don't think it's really possible to avoid situations where other people are drinking for the rest of your life. Having a plan to deal with that is part of long term sobriety.

He doesn't sound like a very nice guy.

One thing I've learned in my sobriety was there are different ways to tell people we don't drink anymore. Early on, I liked to keep it casual, with a laugh, and head toss. I would usually have a drink in my hand within a few minutes. This was when my sobriety hinged on wanting, maybe, possibly, sorta drink sometime in the future.

When I decided that I was done with alcohol and knew it with every cell in my body, my delivery changed. It was still somewhat casual and I never explained much, but I started telling people "I don't drink anymore" or "I don't drink." If they asked if I was just taking a break or whatever, I'd tell them no, I really wasn't going to drink anymore. I found that 99% of people accepted this, no problem. I only say 99% because I have never met anybody who aggressively wanted me to drink, but I imagine there are people like this out there.

It helps me to remember that lots of people don't drink (30% of US population I believe) so you won't look like some weirdo if you say you don't drink. Lots of people do not drink alcohol.

Remember as a child when one of your parents said no and you just knew they meant it? They gave you "the look." It's kinda like that.

I'll just speak for myself, but I used to do the super casual delivery so I could keep the door open to drink again, with whoever and whenever I chose.

I am somebody where once I tell someone, there is no way in heck I would ever drink around them again. And now that I don't drink at all, it's really easy to keep track (or not keep track) of who knows what.

And no, nobody can make you drink. Once again, I will only speak for myself but I used to gladly let people "take me hostage" aka talking me into it.

I've met people who are aggressive about it. They do exist out there, and often it's a sign of an alcoholic who sees you as a threat. Don't drink and avoid them in future.

You can absolutely blame someone else - many of us did for years...
But it doesn't get you anywhere.

If I was in early recovery trying hard not to drink and I was meeting someone in a bar setting, someone I'd probably drunk with before and who didn't know I had a problem...

the likely outcome is pretty flippin' obvious.

I needed to take responsibility for my own life and my own choices.

Noone is going to look out for you better than you can yourself EP.
Right or wrong, fair or not, that is the bottom line.

We have to be our own best advocate.

If doing that, I tick off a guy (who's really a bit of a jerk anyway) and he never calls me again, what exactly have I lost? :dunno:

D

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You looked into the mirror and saw something you really don't like.. and a reflection of a person that now you know you don't need to be around... You have done a great thing here kiddo.. that is a huge step in its self.. yep.....

Gold Star for Realizing the important things in Life... and a punch in the arm. for being a sap... hugs You have got this on the correct path .. you can do it.. ardy:You_Rock_

IMO, it sounds like you've found a good example of why not to drink, and not to associate with people who aren't good for you. Only you can make you drink, but hanging out with the wrong crowd makes it easier to go back to the bad habits. Life's too short for nasty people who make themselves feel taller by pushing others down.

Good for you.

Endless, I think you realize where you went wrong. Don't beat yourself up over drinking, learn from your mistake.

You can only control you and your actions. You have to decide not to drink, no matter the situation or circumstance. You've got to be strong enough to take a stand, know what you want and if that's to be sober, then stick to it.

If you have a gut feeling you won't be able to stick to your plan in a certain environment, then by all means, avoid that environment.

IMO, you've got to give yourself the best chance at success. In the beginning, I had to avoid any situation that would trigger me to drink. Although every waking moment was a trigger, some venues were more persuasive triggers.

If sobriety is something you really want, be smart about the environment you choose to associate yourself with. You're only hurting yourself when you take that drink.

Good job on coming here and posting. Stay strong and be good to yourself today. One day at a time.

I'm glad that he's going to be out of your life. Those are important decisions to make in early recovery.

I dunno if your blaming him I think your realizing you have to avoid him.

I recently had to do this with a long time friend. I've seen the pattern for a while I talk tot his friend and all i do is complain about how crappy my life is this just makes me feel bad then this friend cant wait to jump in and point out why i'm a despicable human being etc.. I realized it was just not a healthy friendship if i wanted to keep a happy upbeat attitude and its so hard for me to do this with obstacles in my way and if i can remove them it makes my life easier.

Point is if this person is in the way of your sobriety welp i guess it could be time to part ways.

Thanks so much everyone for your valuable feedback. It occurs to me that if this friend was someone I was close to, then "blaming" them in my words would have been a very negative way of dealing with it. Better I think in this case just to let the whole thing go but hold onto the valuable lesson that meeting someone in a bar is going to put me at a great big risk.

That sounds like a fantastic plan to me.

Exactly what Scotty posted from you. I personally don't feel any further analyzation is needed.

Bringing up stuff you told him in confidentiality is pretty low. What a jacka$$.

Good on ya. Veeerrry huge risk.
Also ,IMO, valuable lesson on who is responsible for your recovery. Who is responsible for alcohol ever touching your lips again.