A warning via a confession
 

I drank today, yet again back in the cycle.
It happened like that. I had been doing well and feeling good about being alcohol free for a small period of time. I changed up my habits, took a new route home avoiding driving by my favorite watering hole, filled up empty blocks of time with healthy and helpful activities, rid my house of all alcohol and all alcohol related items (took out the recycling to not even have empties around, threw out my wine opener).
Today I stopped by the house of a woman I didn't know to take pictures of her home to send to the producer of an English language television show. They had contacted me as a native English speaker living in Italy and I sourced some potential ideas for them. The woman was (understandably ) excited about the idea of being on tv and getting paid and was very friendly and welcoming to me. And then it came, the unwanted invitation: "would you like a glass of white wine, I have some open" and just like that I accepted. It was a tiny glass, typical Italian afternoon sip. Literally 3 or 4 sips and the glass was empty. But just those few tiny sips was all that was needed to crack open the door. The first thing I did when I left the house was drive straight to the nearest bar and order a glass of wine. I then took a beer to go and drank it at home. I then did some work and had to go look at another house, afterwards stopping at a market to "pick up some vegetables" … and a bottle of wine. And here I am again.
I'll need to look at my toolbox to see what I can do to better prepare myself for those unexpected invitations. But I hope my terrible mistake will serve as a reminder that not even a sip is safe for us (we?) alcoholics. I was doing fine and actually feeling pretty steady not drinking. I was maybe a bit grumpy but not fighting terrible cravings. But just a sip or two knocked down every last defense I had and the floodgates opened. One sip will lead to a million more.
I'm not sure what to do here. I'm starting to think seriously about inpatient rehab to get a solid amount of time under my belt, with real, thorough care before entering the treacherous waters of the real world. I have no idea how I'll manage it with my kids and with my work. But I feel like it is my best bet and something important to consider.
I feel like such a loser posting. But I had to. For me and hopefully to serve as a reminder to others. No sip is a safe sip. It all leads down the same path. Off to bed, relatively clear headed but severely defeated.

you're not a loser for posting....

the post was the winning-est thing about this situation!!

sounds to me like you have some getting honest and getting serious and getting to WORK to do regarding your sobriety foundation.

"No thank you, I don't drink"

"No thank you, I don't drink"

"No thank you, I don't drink"


One simple tool is to just repeat that phrase to yourself a hundred times a day.... that's your standard response. Expected or unexpected, the more practiced you are at saying it, the more you envision yourself saying it, the more comfortable you are at saying it - the more likely you'll say it.

But you'll need to also take action to internalize that statement and make it real for yourself.

Thank you FreeOwl. I must make that statement a part of my permanent vocabulary and more importantly, my mindset.

"No grazie, non bevo"

:grouphug:

:) that made me smile so much. grazie mille!

Your honesty will benefit you in the long run. If you are unable to stop on your own, I think treatment may be a wise choice. I know you have a hobby that you are passionate and dedicated to, and the drinking will take away from that. wishing you the best. Tomorrow is a fresh start.

If you have the option of going to treatment, I'd say make it happen. Sometimes it gets a big change/jolt to get us over this constant cycle of drinking/swearing to not drink anymore/relapse.

Glad you came right back here and hope you'll do whatever it takes to put your recovery first today...

I agree with Casey & i say it with kindness & no maliciousness i think rehab should be considered i mentioned it months ago but if i remember correct you said options are limited ? if there is help Mera take it my sisters done rehab & it completely changed thier lives

Im your friend Mera & i really hope you find the help we all need help sometimes i start therapy this week myself

Spk soon Mera puoi farlo

Yes, I think I may look into it. My options are very limited here, but I could possibly look into returning to the US for something- god only knows what that would cost…. It is a difficult decision for me to make because life isn't all that bad, I'm still mucking my way through my work and responsibilities, I eat well, take my vitamins, work hard in the gym, go for runs, keep my house and garden in order. But I HATE drinking. I LOVE drinking. But really and truly, more than loving drinking I HATE drinking and want to stop. I've never failed at anything in my life. But I am failing miserably at this. I SUCK at quitting drinking. I already reached out to the outpatient treatment center I swore I would never go to because everyone here warned me would be a death sentence. I go, and it's ok, but they want to give me breathalyzers (I am still at a stage of my disease where I can hold it together enough to show up to appointments completely and totally sober and blow a 0.0) and want to talk about how I must be insecure and should read a book meant for children about learning to say no and maybe it was because of that attack in the elevator 15 some years ago or because my parents divorced at a young age or my separation…. blllaaaaa blllaaaaa blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. blah. I do not feel psychologically damaged. I am HAPPY. I do not have anxiety or depression or feel I suffer some deeply imbedded childhood trauma. I just drink too much. CAN YOU FIX ME OR NOT?

I understand this so much! Has stopped drinking for almost a month , then got asked by a friend for apple martini and boom next thing I was mixing my own for 4 straight days... You can definitely do this! I am on my day 3 again but have been glued to SR every time I have an urge

The inevitable thing is tho, no matter how much you think you're holding it together now, things are going to get worse the longer you drink.

I think if you have the option of returning to the US? take it, meravigiloso.

D

You are so right Dee. I've dipped down there before and have always managed to pull myself out but I'm teetering on the edge and and bound to fall sooner or later. And let's just be optimistic and say I don't totally collapse, this is still no way to live. I've got to get out of this sh*tstorm. I hate the idea of leaving my kids, work, etc. but I've longed for rehab for a long time. It might not work but I can't just cave in to this disease without giving it every ounce of effort to beat it. God this sucks. I feel like such a ****** failure.

Sorry, Mera. It's not that. You have no control over drinking. I don't either. 1 means 100. None means none. Easy. Never have the 1.

Okay, let's take a breath here.

Tomorrow do not drink. If anyone asks you if you want a glass of wine (you know they will, so be ready...) say, "Oh, no thanks. Do you have some cold water/juice/soda/lemonade/tea/whatever," or even, "No thanks, I'm fine."

You've learned a new lesson today.

Mera, it is one day. Just start again. Keep starting again until you get it. I know you've struggled, but it doesn't have to be, "Go to rehab in the U.S." OR "Be a drunk in Italy."

Come on, woman. You can do this. You're not a failure. Start again tomorrow.

In addition to all the other posts I needed to hear this too. Thank the stars above I am in bed, sipping water, readin and posting on SR, and not off on a bender. Had I gotten fully drunk there would be less hope for me tomorrow. Right, over and out. Vitamins down, water down, bedtime with a relatively straight head. I can do sober tomorrow. One day at a time. Thanks BB.

You're not a failure - you've just been trying to use a maladaptive way to deal with problems.

D

Your definitely not a failure Mera

No, but you can.

I recall your posts from the past, Mera, something I tend to do when I find I like a fellow journeyer here. And I like you.

In all honesty -- and I take no joy in saying this, trust me -- I've gotten the impression you cannot let go of the part of you that "loves to drink." I remember something I told you a while back: Summon your grit. You need to relegate to the past the notion that there's anything good for you in a bottle. It's off the table, no ands, ifs or buts.

Something's gotta change, Mera.

And, yes, though it would present logistical challenges, I hope that rehab can be an option for you.

All my best,
V.

I would always just tell people no thanks or lie to them. If you say you don't drink they want to know why, and if you never drink etc. Whatever gets them to stop asking me about it the quickest is how I respond.

I don't think lying about why I don't drink is a good idea for me. If someone were to press as to why I don't drink, I'd say - "I just don't want any."

I also don't believe it necessary to answer questions I don't want to answer.

I've only had one person ever ask me why I don't drink, so I don't believe that is much of a stumbling block. She herself was a heavy drinker.