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A stick in my spokes!

Old 07-12-2015, 04:40 AM
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A simple guy making his way
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A stick in my spokes!

BAM! I hit the ground with an amazing "THUD!" An ugly, inhuman sound that stays with you. Never to be forgotten. Never to be erased.

As hard as the sudden jolt to zero feels it's all to often the most needy of us that never have a stick stuck in our spokes. Never get a break from the endless cycles until it's too late.

I did the obvious to get help. 3.5 rehabs now. The professionals help me understand my cycles of addiction. It's only the recovered clinicians who seem to really help. The others are in earnest.

Think small Ken. One day at a time Ken. You got this Ken.

The addict works on two levels. The exterior... And the under current. Rehabs chip away at this exterior. You need to effect the underlying systems and stop simply redecorating. We live to redecorate.

For me that means hearing a second voice just beyond the call of my AV. It's the tape that runs in my head over and over. Said slightly different as the years progress but the same clear oppressive message.

"You worthless piece of sh!t."

So with my latest studies I am putting together ways that I can somehow make a tick mark for each time I can hear that second voice. That undercurrent. At home I have a pad and pen in a central spot. Every time I trash talk myself I make a mark. I think while out and about I will use my phone and text myself every time.

I plan to do this for a few days at best. It's not a sustainable exercise and I think I will get the point a bit clearer if I can have a visual to my madness.

This old programming is the single most destructive thing in my life. No one is hurting me. No one is taking anything from me. No one is after me. Only me. And how silly is that!

K
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:09 AM
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Take care of yourself Ken. Don't beat yourself up. You are a great guy!
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:18 AM
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Ken, from what I've seen of you on SR, you are a very caring and worthwhile person! Many of us, including some of the most surprising people, feel worthless. I wonder how many addicts feel good about themselves? To me, this is one of the tasks we have in sobriety - to slowly begin to accept that we truly are good people!
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:20 AM
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So true I have always been my own worst enemy.
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:28 AM
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Great job in thinking outside the box on ways to improve yourself Ken. I think that's an important part of this battle.

Success is about changing the programming that is destructive to our well-being...

One day at a time Ken, that's all that any one of us can do... but that's also called success.

Thanks for your post. Be good to your self today, you deserve it.
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:30 AM
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Ken have you thought about that the 2 voices you hear could both be AV

I think your awesome FWIW and very far away from a worthless piece of ****
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Old 07-12-2015, 06:29 AM
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Interesting that you say it's only the recovered clinicians who help. I don't think you could ever REALLY understand addiction (alcohol or whatever). I saw my doctor last year before I quit who recommended tapering -useless
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Old 07-12-2015, 07:28 AM
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'No-one is hurting me. No-one is taking anything from me. No-one is after me. Only me. And how silly is that'....

Not silly Weasel...instead something that made feel only tenderness towards you when you said it.

I hope day by day you come to see these statements for what they truley are. Only communications about you from the past that were incorrect, unkind; without any care. Keep turning day by day towards connecting with anything or anyone (including yourself) that reflects back to you something about the gentle soul I see you to be on this forum...LB
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Old 07-12-2015, 09:28 AM
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Thank you... So I looked at my sheet. Just today I am up to 13 times. That's a lot. I knew it was a lot but often the thoughts are second nature. That's the essence of recovery. When second nature becomes a positive forgiving voice of self love. Who would want to destroy themselves with that kind of inner support system. Probably not many.

I have such hope and feel so good just actively doing positive things for myself. Life is a changing!

I have my second SMART meeting tomorrow. I want to share my exercise.
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Old 07-12-2015, 10:23 AM
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Hey Ken, one of my own spectacular bike crashes came while zooming down a hill after a long day of tennis. The racket in hand one second and the next, splat! somewhere on the road.

Does the octave, tone, pitch of that negative voice belong to any person of your past? My own inner negative voice belonged to (sounded like) a specific person and I figuratively needed to 'go after' and challenge those ridiculous negative statements until they no longer held sway. I like your method.

More power to you, Ken. Yours is an admirable and worthwhile undertaking.
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Old 07-12-2015, 11:38 AM
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Good on you Ken
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Old 07-12-2015, 11:47 AM
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Wow! Neat exercise and very eye opening I'm sure. I love how you're taking concrete steps to recognize and deliberately change a negative behavior! Yay!
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Old 07-12-2015, 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Weasel1966 View Post
BAM! I hit the ground with an amazing "THUD!" An ugly, inhuman sound that stays with you. Never to be forgotten. Never to be erased.

As hard as the sudden jolt to zero feels it's all to often the most needy of us that never have a stick stuck in our spokes. Never get a break from the endless cycles until it's too late.

I did the obvious to get help. 3.5 rehabs now. The professionals help me understand my cycles of addiction. It's only the recovered clinicians who seem to really help. The others are in earnest.

Think small Ken. One day at a time Ken. You got this Ken.

The addict works on two levels. The exterior... And the under current. Rehabs chip away at this exterior. You need to effect the underlying systems and stop simply redecorating. We live to redecorate.

For me that means hearing a second voice just beyond the call of my AV. It's the tape that runs in my head over and over. Said slightly different as the years progress but the same clear oppressive message.

"You worthless piece of sh!t."

So with my latest studies I am putting together ways that I can somehow make a tick mark for each time I can hear that second voice. That undercurrent. At home I have a pad and pen in a central spot. Every time I trash talk myself I make a mark. I think while out and about I will use my phone and text myself every time.

I plan to do this for a few days at best. It's not a sustainable exercise and I think I will get the point a bit clearer if I can have a visual to my madness.

This old programming is the single most destructive thing in my life. No one is hurting me. No one is taking anything from me. No one is after me. Only me. And how silly is that!

K
Have you ever considered to stop doing this? And to tell the voice to shut up?
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Old 07-12-2015, 11:54 AM
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I like this post, Ken! I think recognizing what you're thinking about yourself and the damage it's doing is amazing. That's the first step to fixing it and realizing what a worthwhile person you are!

I know you mean a lot to many people on this board, including me, so keep that in mind!

Maybe you can think of something positive every time you make a mark for the negative? I've found that helpful in my recovery. Other people's negativity really bothers me (even little things like complaining about the weather) so every time someone complains I think of one positive thing.
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Old 07-12-2015, 12:03 PM
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Thanks for the comments. I do appreciate the feedback.

Jerryfish.... It's not that easy. Oh of course we can all just stop doing whatever it is that cause us to self harm. Sure we could. But the fact is there are patterns to break. Learning and relearning to do.

The difference between this voice and the AV. The reason they cannot be the same is that AV is a voice of action. It tells me or tries to tell me to drink or drug. This other voice is part of a deep belief system I have about myself through repeated abuse from others. Children don't grow up thinking they are worthless unless they are made to feel and accept, sadly, at some point that they are. I did just that.

I can tell AV to go eff himself yes. I don't believe that is part of me.

I cannot tell this other voice to go eff itself. I believe it's message. I need to change that belief.

A slight of hand it may seem but they are distinctly different.

I will prevail. As long as I see it I have no other choice but to conquer it. It's an intense training exercise.
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Old 07-12-2015, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Weasel1966 View Post
Thanks for the comments. I do appreciate the feedback.

Jerryfish.... It's not that easy. Oh of course we can all just stop doing whatever it is that cause us to self harm. Sure we could. But the fact is there are patterns to break. Learning and relearning to do.

The difference between this voice and the AV. The reason they cannot be the same is that AV is a voice of action. It tells me or tries to tell me to drink or drug. This other voice is part of a deep belief system I have about myself through repeated abuse from others. Children don't grow up thinking they are worthless unless they are made to feel and accept, sadly, at some point that they are. I did just that.

I can tell AV to go eff himself yes. I don't believe that is part of me.

I cannot tell this other voice to go eff itself. I believe it's message. I need to change that belief.

A slight of hand it may seem but they are distinctly different.

I will prevail. As long as I see it I have no other choice but to conquer it. It's an intense training exercise.
Well I can tell you that the people who were responsible for the abuse were dead wrong. But that won't fix it, maybe loosen it up (I hope).

This sounds perfect for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Or some other form of therapy that can help you transform these feelings into positive ones. Personally, I'd see a doctor about it. Actually, I have. In the past I've had therapy and it really helped a lot.
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Old 07-12-2015, 12:20 PM
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Thanks! I am! I see a Dr.

I also just started to attend SMART recovery meetings. They are a practical approach to solving the underlying issues around addiction. I love them and they have various exercises that develop into tools to use. The use of CBT and REBT are applied in these meetings.

K
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Old 07-12-2015, 12:26 PM
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The next time you hear that voice, Ken, get ready to hear a third voice - the collective voices of your SR friends telling that second voice how wrong he is and that we think you simply rock.
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Old 07-12-2015, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by SoberLeigh View Post
The next time you hear that voice, Ken, get ready to hear a third voice - the collective voices of your SR friends telling that second voice how wrong he is and that we think you simply rock.
Second that.
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Old 07-12-2015, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Weasel1966 View Post
Thanks! I am! I see a Dr.

I also just started to attend SMART recovery meetings. They are a practical approach to solving the underlying issues around addiction. I love them and they have various exercises that develop into tools to use. The use of CBT and REBT are applied in these meetings.

K
Great that you're getting good help! What helped me tremendously in the past as well is EMDR.
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