LimitedLemur

So I had a falling out with my sister on the 4th. That didn't end well, obviously, I've been on a mini-bender since then. The main thing I'm having trouble with at this point is my anger. Man, at least when I was drinking and smoking weed I was able to deal with people, but everyone is pissing me off like nothing else lately. I'm not stupid, I know it's just my brain chemistry adjusting to sobriety, and I even know that in the moment, but I can't stop the anger. I try breathing and redirection, but it's so hard! How long did it take you guys to get over this? I'm starting again with day one (tomorrow), hopefully it doesn't mean the anger starts over, too. I really don't think I can take much more of this.

I started exercising a couple months ago, and after my workouts I'm ok. But I work full time and it's not always feasible to go for a run whenever I get pissed. Not to mention that it's getting 115 degrees outside during the day. I need to find another coping mechanism for this anger, but I'm at a loss as to what I can do. Booze is so fast and then I'm suddenly able to be cheery again. People at work have started noticing, too. When I'd go to work messed up, everyone loved me. Now, I can't even talk to people. I'm not rude or anything, but I can't be upbeat anymore. I'd love to be that happy person without drugs and alcohol, and I really need someone to tell me that's possible.

I've been reading about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome and it's depressing the hell out of me. I know, self-diagnosis is not a good thing, blah blah, but if that's something I'm going to have to work through...I just don't know if I can do it. I've read that can last up to two years! That's not a commitment I can make. Hell, I'm 21 years old! I started drinking when I was 13, heavily by 15, but it's taken so much introspection to even entertain the idea of abstaining forever when I just barely reached legal drinking age. If I have to deal with this irritability for two more years? I can't do it. It's too hard. In your all's experience, is PAWS a common thing? Does it really usually last that long? I mean, it's entirely possible that that's not what happening to me, right?

I don't want you guys to underestimate the severity of the irritability I'm having. I got into a minor confrontation with my boss the other day that (super long story, I was right and he later apologized [which is why I didn't slip that day]), had I not walked away when I did, I would've ended up in tears. That's the point where my brain says, "ok, drinking is easier. Let's go to the liquor store." Oddly, I never give up and go to the liquor store on impulse, it's always a calculated decision. Which makes me feel even more like a piece of ****.

There is a part of me that wonders if this is the withdrawal at all. My genetics aren't that great. My mom is crazy, and almost everyone on her side of the family is quick tempered. Since I've been drunk for a lot of my life, I don't really know who I am. Maybe I'm just like my mom, and that scared the hell outta me, too. I think I would rather just drink myself to death than live her life. But I'm seeing more of her in me the soberer I get.

Ok, I'm just ranting at this point. Thanks for listening, and any insight into anything I've said is really appreciated. I think my main goal is to find a way to come with my anger. If I can't do that, I know I'm going to fail at this whole sober thing.

Nonsensical

Don't believe everything you think.

Welcome back.

Dee74

Not everyone gets PAWS LL, and many of us who did did not suffer from it for anything like 2 years.

Yet I willingly abandoned myself to drinking again for over 2 years when I relapsed in 2004 and spectacularly destroyed my life, my health and the people I loved.

Bizarre thinking when you think on it.

I know it's scary to contemplate a sober future but you'll never be the person you want to be with the life you want to live as long as you keep drinking.

I think that makes the effort to stay in recovery worthwhile.

I have a life now that was beyond my wildest drunken dreams.

I wish that for you too, LL.

D

Saskia

LL, have you considered a counselor? For me, when anger comes out it has been less controllable while adjusting to sobriety but the roots of the anger are still there. Dealing with the cause(s) can help over the long run. The things that trigger our anger are not necessarily the actual cause of the anger!

NoelleR

Thanks Dee. When Terence Gorski wrote his book on relapse prevention (Staying Sober), back in 1986, it was specifically aimed at the clusters of folk with 18-24 months who were relapsing....all of a sudden more and more relapses started popping up, and not just in the 18-24 month group.

Unfortunately, something I've noted, in my time in sobriety/recovery, is that a goodly number of folks in sobriety/recovery seem to be highly suggestible.....one experiences 'x, y, z' at certain times in recovery, more follow; one relapses, more follow.....etc.

I often wonder if we'd have the same relapse numbers today if that book had never been written......??? Something to think about, anyway.

(o:
NoelleR

Anna

This happened to me, too. My father had mental issues and my mother was just plain nasty and when I began to live a sober life, I changed. And, to be honest, not all those changes were welcomed. I did see some characteristics that were my parents. But, the good thing is, I was sober and open and ready to work on those things. That's what recovery is about.

Zufrieden

Hi there
I'm with you on the anger. I've been experiencing this, but trying not to act on it, increasingly over the three weeks I've been sober. I'm also diving back into the existential angst that travelled with me my entire life.
Alconol was a huge problem for me but it wasn't the primary problem. Quitting drinking has been relatively easy because I just won't do it. The mental stuff it so poorly masked is turning out to be the real work. I would guess that to be true for many of us here at SR.
I'm going to give therapy, exercise, yoga, eating really well etc... a solid effort and keeping on from there. I know it will work better than drinking. I also feel that part of this mental stuff is just who I am and that I may be dealing with it as part of my experience in life, for life.
There really is no long term upside to reintroducing alcohol into the mix. It wreaked havoc and added self loathing to the basket of life's treats.
Hang in there!
D

breath

We cannot do it alone.

When I was able to meet with people who shared the same issues and concerns it was a huge relief, we listen, support, and are there for each other, knowing that these friends are always there for me has made a huge difference.

When we fall into the trap that a substance(alcohol) can do what others cannot, we fall into the pit of pity, anger and resentment and isolation; it takes willingness to climb from the pit and admit we are powerless and our lives have become unmanageable. Once we grasp the hands of others and pull OURSELVES from the pit we realize a new freedom, a new happiness; and understand that only in that surrender do we experience true victory.

greens

I dealt with a lot of anger early on. It would pulse throughout my body and even said me up in the middle of the nihht, I had a lot of stuff to work through still do at 4 years sober.
It did not last 2 years. However, life happens and it is up to me to deal with my anger in healthy ways, drinking Is not going to help
I did a lot of the therapy ; cbt, emdr, and groups
being active really helped - anything helps, from running to yoga .
Punch a pillow if you have to, scream into it , break some dishes, turn the music up in your car and scream as loud as you need to.
meditation really helped - I could only do about one minute when I started! And that seemed like forever , it is a practice . I think I would even get angry that I didnt naturally master it in a week.
I read a lot of books on spirituality - for me it was eckhart tohle, the 4 agreements, Gary zukav, a lot of books on ptsd and substance abuse
It took time for my outbursts of anger to go away. They still pop up, but they do not hold power over me anymore

PurpleKnight

Welcome back!! You can do this!!

Berrybean

I heard an analogy of getting sober this morning which I'm reminded of when reading your post. It think it was on Charlie C's talk on fear and sex. XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

He was saying that alcohol shields up from unpleasant realities and feelings, and when it's removed we're left naked and exposed to all the arrows that life throws at us. We have to start building up a new armour, so that we can cope with things. Our old ways are not sufficient.

I'm learning new ways through AA. My fears and resentments were pretty out of hand before I started working the steps. Of course, I still get frightened and angry, but can now recognise those things as they start to bubble up and deal with them differently to my old denial; fight; or flight routine. A lot of it has to do with acceptance (accepting my part in things; accepting that people are often less than perfect; accepting that life will never be purely wonderful). A lot of it has to do with looking at, and acknowledging why an event or thought has triggered such a response in me - not always what I want to hear, even from myself, when it's looking at my own character defects. The surprising thing is that, no matter how painful that process might seem to be, it's much less painful than carrying around the anger and the stress of disagreements.

Hope you feel better soon

thomas11

LImitedLemur, what a great post, you are obviously a very smart person. I can only offer my opinion which may or may not be worth a thing.
I do believe genetics are not just physical things like eye color and height, but also physiological (brain chemistry) as well. So you might have some of those traits that your parents have. More importantly, I 100% agree with you that you truly do not know who you are. You have not had a chance. You've been dancing with booze since the age of 13. You were still developing mentally and physically all while ingesting a strong mind altering drug. You may very well be a short tempered person or whatever, but you wont' know until you get some sobriety under your belt, agree? I don't know much about PAWS, others can help you there. My suggestion would be to really commit so sobriety for a set period of time (say 90 days) and find out who the heck you really are. Then start addressing the issues one by one. Who knows, you may not have any issues once you get to that point. Good luck, keep us posted.

Dee74

You've have been at the recovery game a lot longer than I have

I kinda see it from the opposite perspective tho - I think it can help folks put a name to what they're experiencing, and know that others have experienced it too.

There's nothing I've ever read in Gorski that encourages relapse...just the opposite in fact

D