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Newcomer who needs support!

Old 07-06-2015, 01:18 PM
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Newcomer who needs support!

Hey all,

I have been reading different posts made by people and I have been struggling with the active Heroin addict in my life. I love him dearly and we have been together off and on for almost 3 years. I was not aware of his addiction until a year into our relationship. His behavior has changed and he went from a loving person to an angry hateful person. I helped him detox last October when he finally confessed but his behaviors never changed. I brought it up again a few weeks ago and he has denied hes doing anything. He just lost his job hes had for 5 years and now is making bad decisions and becoming progressively worse.
I attend naranon and alanon meetings weekly but do not have a sponsor. I try my best to be supportive but hes constantly picking fights and saying mean things to me and I do not know what else to do anymore. He calls me names and is rude one moment then a few hours later hes nice again and wants to spend time with me. I am at a loss. Any help or encouraging words are greatly appreciated. I am grateful to all your stories and blogs.
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Old 07-06-2015, 01:23 PM
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Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation. It's good that you are going to alanon and naranon for support. Verbal abuse is not okay, so I hope you can find peace in your life.
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Old 07-06-2015, 01:26 PM
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Thank you Anna. This is something I have never experienced before and I am struggling.
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Old 07-06-2015, 01:29 PM
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Welcome to the family. I'm sorry he's treating you so badly. Is there a possibility of a temporary separation? You deserve better.
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Old 07-06-2015, 01:33 PM
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Welcome Borgs
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Old 07-06-2015, 01:36 PM
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Thank you Least. I try but the most was 3 months last summer, then recently I just leave or I don't answer until I am ready. But then I get sucked in when he's nice then remove myself when he is mean. Yet he doesn't think he's being mean or denies it, then acts like he doesnt care. Its hard and a lonely life.

Thank you for the welcome Soberwolf
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Old 07-06-2015, 02:54 PM
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You wiill find so much support here Borgs
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Old 07-06-2015, 04:10 PM
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Hi and welcoem Borgs

I'm very sorry for what brings you here, but I know you'll find a lot of wisdom and experience here.

Do check out our Family and Friends forums too:

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
D
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Old 07-06-2015, 09:07 PM
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Thank you Dee74... That means a lot . Not sure where I'm
Supposed to post if im even in the right place . I thank you for your kindness
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Old 07-07-2015, 05:34 AM
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Hi.
I and many understand the frustrations involved in a relationship with an addict.
It might be suggested to attend more support meetings AND follow their program even if we’re uncomfortable with it.
Unfortunately most fail after approaching just about all support programs because they rationalize and slip back into old habits.

Most programs WORK IF WE WORK THEM! CONTINUALLY!

BE WELL
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Old 07-07-2015, 10:46 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Borgs!!
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Old 07-07-2015, 03:40 PM
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Originally Posted by borgs7 View Post
Thank you Dee74... That means a lot . Not sure where I'm
Supposed to post if im even in the right place . I thank you for your kindness
Posting here is absolutely fine borgs7 - I just wanted you to know we have other forums that may help as well

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Old 07-07-2015, 03:57 PM
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Borgs - great to meet you. Be proud of yourself for taking this huge step. Life is going to get so much better.
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Old 07-07-2015, 06:03 PM
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I had a SO who is a heroin addict......I tried to help him too.....but I ended up hurting myself because I became even more depressed because I couldn't let him go. Most likely because I'm co dependent.......anyway......I've finally let him go now.....he's back in rehab for the gotta be 10th time....no exaggeration. and he's worse than ever. i can't help him is what I realized.....but I can help myself by not drinking and directing my own recovery.
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Old 07-10-2015, 09:55 PM
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Debbie,
How did you let him go? I worry like crazy about him but it's like he doesn't care? He's in denial, selling drugs , and acts like I should be ok with it?? I'm at such a loss and feel dumb for even trying, staying, learning how to detach and I'm still here. He doesn't care if I'm
Here or gone till he's sober enough to realize .. For 5 seconds . So heartbreaking and lonely ..
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Old 07-10-2015, 10:17 PM
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Wow. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Addiction tends to make people totally oblivious as to why others would be upset by their addictions (they don't understand that although they're not shoving a needle in your arm and forcing you to get high, their addiction can be emotionally scarring for the people who care about them).

Also, and very sadly, until addicts can kick their habits and get some type of treatment or counseling, their drug of choice (or alcohol, as the case may be) will always come before anything or anyone else. It doesn't mean that they don't care about their loved ones, but when they're in active addiction, they have to have that drug. If forced to go too long without it, they become angry and irritable, and often completely unreasonable.

I hope that you both get the help you need soon.
Try to care for yourself the way that you wish he would (that's hard to do, and it may sound ridiculous, but what I mean is...be kind to yourself, do nice things for yourself, even if they're simple things like taking a bath or whatever makes you feel safe and cared for).

Sending lots of light and energy to you and the people you care for.
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Old 07-10-2015, 10:28 PM
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Just as a PS, I'm only saying the above stuff because I have first-hand experience. Hopefully I didn't say anything hurtful, as I'm sure that addiction causes enough hurt as it is.
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Old 07-11-2015, 02:38 AM
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Plath,

Thank you so much for the kind and sincere words. I've never been in this type of situation and I catch myself forgetting who I am. I have been trying to be good to myself but I hold out the hope that I will see him daily like I used to, but then he's too busy doing what he's doing and only remembers me when his day is done and I feel just lonely waiting . It's like we are on his time frame and I'm
Supposed to suck it up and wait . I know I have a choice but the letting go for me is the hardest. I keep saying I can't do this anymore. I can't be treated this way anymore but yet I'm
Still here.. So discouraging . Almost 3 years of this .
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Old 07-11-2015, 05:05 AM
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Hello and welcome.

I don't know anything about heroin addiction or being the partner of an addict...

But I've learned a few things about addiction and about relationships - through my own marriages and my own journey with addiction.

One thing I can say is that a person should never abuse another person.... Emotionally, verbally, or otherwise.

Also - a person cannot 'save' an addict or get them healthy through selfless support if they are unwilling or unable to change.

Please get yourself appropriate support and be sure you are not subjecting yourself to abuse in a misguided attempt to save him....

We are here for you.
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Old 07-11-2015, 05:08 AM
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Also.... You may find the book 'co-dependent no more' helpful.
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