Serenidad

I drank last night. I have been doing great and going to lots of AA meetings, working the steps and really starting to feel better too. :-(

My teenage son was being rude to me and trying to pick a fight or something and all of a sudden I got a craving and just left the house and went to a bar.

I'm upset with myself because I really was doing well.

I'm posting this because I am seeing a pattern. When I feel like people are arguing with me, saying things that hurt my feelings, being rude....ANY type of confrontation AT ALL I go into fight or flight mode immediately and 99% of the time I drink.

This CANNOT keep happening! I desperately need more tools to handle confrontations. Drinking CANNOT be a tool or an option anymore.

Thank you. I have identified a MAJOR trigger. Now I just need tools.

biminiblue

I have a hair trigger flight or fight reaction too. It's an amygdala response, and part of it is genetic. Meditation and exercise helped me a lot with this.

It gets better with continued abstinence. Next time you have that feeling - take a walk instead. Notice how you feel, why you feel it, and how long it takes to come down. I would far rather walk away than drink it away.

It is in the moment between a reaction and a drink that recovery happens.

FreeOwl

Well... You may not like this but....

It didn't 'happen'.

You chose it.

Sounds to me like you need to arm yourself with the tools to make better choices.

For me, work with a therapist and a routine of stress-coping changes was helpful.

Though you are struggling with a disease, remember that it's not 'happening to you'.

Alcohol doesn't gang up on us and jump down our throats.... We choose to drink it. What can you do today to empower yourself with greater strength and options for non-drinking choices?

I'm sorry you made the choice you did.... I know you can make more positive ones today!

Soberwolf

Id say keep trying but you know yourself that isnt working what do you think you should do ?

doggonecarl

The world is full of triggers. Your world is full of triggers.

Drinkers drink. Best to learn to deal with cravings because you can't change the world.

Elizabeth333

Hi - I understand completely what you are talking about. For many years of my drinking I justified the sadness/anger followed by drinking after an encounter with my children. Well, that only made life much worse. Since stopping my drinking, I have backed off from my relationships, say nothing when confronted - go for a walk and read some passages from Thith Nhat Hanh's book FEAR. Because fear is what drove me to pick up, time after time. Now I practice being present and my children are now supporting me - I can't wipe out the past, but I can be there now.

Anna

I agree that drinking didn't 'happen'. You chose to drink rather than use tools you have to deal with it. The only way to get through times like that is to use your coping skills and allow those skills to improve and become more comfortable as time goes by.

tomsteve

I'm glad to read you've been going to AA and worki the steps. The program has great tools. The big book has had the solution for everything for me. It has showed me causes and conditions for anything that bothers me and how to correct it. It also tells me the consequences if I don't:
Tenth step promises:

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

Fight or flight- its a choice. Forget Everything And Run never worked for me.
Face Everythjng And Recovery has been working pretty good.

I strongly encourage ya to get with your sponsor and the big book and get into more action.

p.s.
You yourself say drinking is an option. Remove that option.

Fly N Buy

For me if I don't use the "tools" I've been given, why to I need more?? I don't need 12 specialty hammers when I don't know how to hit a nail with the one I have been given already.

I am pretty certain you have this tool in your kit.....right???

BEFORE you drank what did your sponsor and/or friends suggest you do????

Ruby2

Serenidad, people will do and say things that irritate us all the time. You just can't keep drinking over it. My husband picks fights to have an excuse to run out and drink and use. He swore at me yesterday about something. I just backed away. Was your son actually rude? Teenagers sometimes are. I've found that I have to back away and take care of me and my sobriety. If you get angry, take a walk. Call someone. Post here. Go to a meeting. You chose to walk out the door and go to a bar. Pick up the phone next time instead of a drink. Because there WILL BE a next time.

AnvilheadII

IT did not happen....there is not IT out there MAKING you do things. the choice to drink came from INSIDE of you.....parents argue with teenagers all the time, but running out the door to the bar isn't every parents OPTION.

what does that say, that in a moment of upset, you up and LEAVE your home and family in favor of a bar? what does that teach your teenager? what does that SAY to THEM?

just a few days ago you posted about being so mad at your husband. not a huge leap to see a tiff with your son was just the "excuse" you needed.

i've noticed you go from super high on "recovery" - oh meetings are SOOOOO great - to within a few days (hours) crashing back down, mad at <<fill in the blank>> and reaching for a drink. its a very predictable pattern.

i think the quote on Acceptance is relevant here, page 449:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

jryan19982

I wont nit pick your wording of "it" etc- frankly it was your choice of words so I dont think that should be the focus of a response.

It sounds like you know what triggered the response to drink so you are already actively identifying the problem. Now is the time to come up with a plan to attack the problem. I cant tell you what that plan should be as I am having my own demons to work through in that aspect. But identify, attack and solve. Might not be that easy, but those are the steps I would take. What could you have done differently than walk to the bar? Could you have walked to get some icecream? Or just walked for the sake of walking and trying to work out your issues? Stay clear headed is the first step. Then it is time to think and come up with solutions.

happyandfree

I agree with all of the above, serinidad. You have the tools and are choosing not to use then. We all get irritated and angry. It's part of being human. But we have to know how to calm ourselves and recenter . We all drank over all emotions at one point or another. Happy, mad, sad, angry, bored, excited, whatever. At some point, it has to stop. You are still using alcohol to cope with stress. And the more you do it, the easier it is to do it (drink) the next time. And like Ruby said: there will be a next time. The more you relapse, the easier it is to relapse. It's not such a big deal anymore. It looses it's impact. You have to stop the cycle.

RDBplus3

Hello Serenidad,
Until the 'Miracle' happened in my life, the automatic behavior of drinking often 'happened' ... almost like sleep-walking ... NOT to say I wasn't responsible for my actions ... my 'actions' thru years of drinking had 'ingrained' the deep 'almost' subconscious behavior. The Big Book refers to it as those strange mental blank spots, and states 'sometimes we have NO mental defense against that 1st drink' ... thus the need to develop the 'Spiritual Condition' that comes thru working the Steps, continuously until the Miracle happens.

Also for me, I was so Powerless over the same behavior you describe, that I reluctantly went on Anabuse. It helped me stay away from drinking long enough for the Miracle of the 'Spiritual Condition' to become ingrained in me.

It took me over a year on Anabuse ... and I am not recommending it for anyone, just being Honest that I was that POWERLESS.

RDBplus3 ... now Happy, Joyous and FREE

Soberpotamus

Since you've established this, now it's time to figure out what you are going to do instead of drinking. It's time to develop and rely on some new coping skills, Serenidad. The trigger or cue occurs, and instead of grabbing your keys and purse and heading out the door to the bar ... what exactly are you going to do? I would focus on that space if I were you

Pause for a moment before allowing that "routine" of drinking to kick in. Take a deep breath. This is your critical moment

Tools are: distraction, substitution, urge surfing, playing the tape ...

Why not take a few moments right now and write those down on a piece of paper, define them, and write out beside them specific examples of each that you will try.

You drank, and you can also not drink. I know without a shadow of a doubt, and your past traumas and background notwithstanding, that you can change this habit and learn new coping skills.

Saskia

Serenidad, although I agree with much of what has been said here, I also believe that there is another side to this. Some people are, imho, more strongly addicted than others and thus need to pull out all the stops to get and stay sober. I lost count of the number of times I relapsed and no, it was not consciously my choice to drink again. The time span between a strong urge and acting on it was so tiny that I wasn't able to use my tools.

In frustration, I turned to my erstwhile pdoc who referred me to our local addictions treatment program. They would have preferred that I do inpatient rehab but we agreed on a trial of an intensive outpatient program. In addition to SR and AA, that program was the lifeline I needed to finally make progress. During the first 2 months I know I wouldn't have stayed sober without the program. By the third month I started feeling that, yes, I could do it even when the program was over. I know now that if it had been necessary, I would have done inpatient rehab.

I encourage you to seek out a program or an addiction counselor near you. You are worth it!

Serenidad

Thanks for that tip Bimi. That was what I was looking for when I started this thread. Tips on how to get through it next time without drinking. :-)

ScottFromWI

Some tools that you already have, and you could have used instead of going to the bar

1. Log on to SR and talk it out
2. Call your sponsor
3. Take a walk and walk BY the bar
4. Talk with your son about the disagreement and find a logical solution to it. As a parent of 3 myself, I can say that almost every time there is an argument both sides did something wrong.
5. Go to another room in your house, turn down the lights and simply breathe.

The problem is not that you don't have enough tools, it's that you aren't using them. There is no "tool" that will control your decisions.

Serenidad

Thanks Owl. I realize it didn't "happen" to me. I chose it. I also decided chose to "tell on myself" and come here for SOBER tips on how to deal with it next time. Thanks Owl!

Serenidad

Well that wasn't a very positive response. :-( I am NOT gonna stop trying. I have been to 10 AA meetings in 7 days. I am working with a sponsor. I am praying every morning. I am reading my Big Book. I am TRYING. I came here for some advice on how to handle confrontation because I WANT to stay sober next time. That's what I think I should do. I should keep trying!

I'm going to another meeting tonite. I'm not giving up. I wish you would have had a specific tip for me like Bimi. Oh well.