I want to PUNCH him!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
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Originally Posted by Serenidad 
I've had anger issues since I was a teenager as a result of horrible abuse and being raped. I numbed it with alcohol. Got sober in 2008. Went to therapy and put myself in anger management class. Got better. Relapsed in 2013 and got angry again. Luckily, I don't act out on my anger. I hold it in. Well, except when I dump it on you guys here on SR. ;-) Holding things in is dangerous for me. That's why I posted it here.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Sorry to hear about what happened to you in your teenage years. Aweful. The reason I asked about the anger is because I had anger issues or a temper or whatever you want to call it. And I take medication and he really helped keep me on an even keel.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 26
For me when I decided to quit I couldn't be around anyone that drank. I severed all those relationships and didn't see many of my drinking buddies for over a year. If I was living with someone that was drinking I never would have made it.
When your married to that person it is a tough spot. If it was just a boyfriend or girlfriend I would say move on and get away from them if they won't support you. Tougher to do when you are married to them.
I do see purple knights point of getting it out of your head what other people can do and the nut allergy analogy. Having said that though if I was in a relationship with someone who couldn't eat peanut butter I would never eat it around them or keep it on the house.
So as others have said it is all up to us. We can choose to stay in an environment that isn't healthy or get away from it.
When your married to that person it is a tough spot. If it was just a boyfriend or girlfriend I would say move on and get away from them if they won't support you. Tougher to do when you are married to them.
I do see purple knights point of getting it out of your head what other people can do and the nut allergy analogy. Having said that though if I was in a relationship with someone who couldn't eat peanut butter I would never eat it around them or keep it on the house.
So as others have said it is all up to us. We can choose to stay in an environment that isn't healthy or get away from it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by Flynbuy
And did you start doing step work - or reading in the big book or reading in the 12 and 12??? Like I posted yesterday, meetings are great - love the fellowship, but they do no keep me sober. That solution is in the first 103 pages of Alcoholics Anonymous. Keep coming back
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by Debbie329
I'm not convinced it's all you...... What can you do to spoil yourself.....find it and do it. That's what I would do. It could be as simple as lunch. Or it could be a spa day. Or it could be a concert. Your not having any fun it seems....go play.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I'm sorry to read about your situation.
Do you have an agreement with your husband that you will not attend events with him where he and/or others will be drinking? Does he not invite you, or do you decline his invitations? Do you discuss your concerns with him? If so, do either of you make adjustments based on your concerns?
Based on your comments, it seems that your husband does a lot of things on his own that involve drinking. I'm wondering whether or not this may be another source of your anger. It's tough enough to be married to someone who drinks regularly, if not also alcoholically, but being left alone so much in any relationship can be a bitter pill to swallow.
Do you have an agreement with your husband that you will not attend events with him where he and/or others will be drinking? Does he not invite you, or do you decline his invitations? Do you discuss your concerns with him? If so, do either of you make adjustments based on your concerns?
Based on your comments, it seems that your husband does a lot of things on his own that involve drinking. I'm wondering whether or not this may be another source of your anger. It's tough enough to be married to someone who drinks regularly, if not also alcoholically, but being left alone so much in any relationship can be a bitter pill to swallow.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by thomas11
Sorry to hear about what happened to you in your teenage years. Aweful. The reason I asked about the anger is because I had anger issues or a temper or whatever you want to call it. And I take medication and he really helped keep me on an even keel.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
I'm sorry to read about your situation. Do you have an agreement with your husband that you will not attend events with him where he and/or others will be drinking? Does he not invite you, or do you decline his invitations? Do you discuss your concerns with him? If so, do either of you make adjustments based on your concerns? Based on your comments, it seems that your husband does a lot of things on his own that involve drinking. I'm wondering whether or not this may be another source of your anger. It's tough enough to be married to someone who drinks regularly, if not also alcoholically, but being left alone so much in any relationship can be a bitter pill to swallow.
He has admitted that he really likes to drink. I don't believe he's an alcoholic, but who knows? I've asked him to take a break from it to support me and he doesn't. I don't know. It's just a screwed up situation. It would be so much easier if I was married to someone who didn't drink AT ALL but I'm not.
He's not gonna change. I have 2 choices:
1. Divorce him for having a few drinks every week
2. Try to focus on my own sobriety and hope things get better
3. Take a one way trip to Mars. HaHa. Sorry....humor helps me. I get tired of crying!
I just don't know. All I know is I need to stay sober. AA says "no major changes in the first year" so maybe I will revisit this next year....June 2016.
I'm just so confused about everything in my life now. I'm just gonna take it one baby step at a time, stay sober, therapy and work the 12 steps. I am trying to have faith that God has a plan for my life and wants me to be happy.
If he didn't have a plan for my life (or yours or any alcoholic)....we'd probably be dead. BUT....He gave us all another chance. :-)
By the way...thanks for caring! :-)
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Serenidad, I can relate well to having lots of anger especially early on in sobriety. I had rage. It somehow worked it's way out over time. What I found is that behind that anger there was a lot of sadness, disappointment, and grief. There were so many issues in my past and present I had to come to grips with. To come to accept.
Hang in there, and don't give up
You can do this.
As for a drinking spouse, I just can't relate there. You have my sympathies for sure, as I can't imagine how hard that'd be.
Hang in there, and don't give up
You can do this. As for a drinking spouse, I just can't relate there. You have my sympathies for sure, as I can't imagine how hard that'd be.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Posts: 607
Yeah I get being pissed when everyone but you gets to party. I'm usually the odd man out. Whole family drinks but me. Wife not so much. All my friends acquaintances also. Now that I think of it there's probably 2 or three gallons of booze in this house and a fridge downstairs with a shelf full of beer. Nobody ever even gives it thought.
That being said, my problem with alcohol is my problem and no one else's. It's not really there job to change their habits for my comfort. It's up to me to adapt or change my atmosphere. I've managed to adapt so far. Used to make me a bit angry and envious that others could be so insensitive and just carry on around me as usual. Now not so much. Actually after everything I've gone through the thought of drinking actually disgusts me.
This is a good place to let go of some of that anger. Better typing it out than drinking it out.
That being said, my problem with alcohol is my problem and no one else's. It's not really there job to change their habits for my comfort. It's up to me to adapt or change my atmosphere. I've managed to adapt so far. Used to make me a bit angry and envious that others could be so insensitive and just carry on around me as usual. Now not so much. Actually after everything I've gone through the thought of drinking actually disgusts me.
This is a good place to let go of some of that anger. Better typing it out than drinking it out.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by Soberpotamus
Serenidad, I can relate well to having lots of anger especially early on in sobriety. I had rage. It somehow worked it's way out over time. What I found is that behind that anger there was a lot of sadness, disappointment, and grief. There were so many issues in my past and present I had to come to grips with. To come to accept. Hang in there, and don't give up You can do this. As for a drinking spouse, I just can't relate there. You have my sympathies for sure, as I can't imagine how hard that'd be.
You can do this. As for a drinking spouse, I just can't relate there. You have my sympathies for sure, as I can't imagine how hard that'd be.Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
They say familiarity breeds contempt. It's probably a combination of that and the agitated state that comes with getting sober. The witching hour always put me in a pissed off mood when I was trying to quit without any outside help and then I would snap at those who I know and love more than anyone else.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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I really relte to all you're going through at the moment - including the teenage experiences, and especially that rage. I had spend a lot of years raging, and it all started to spiral out of control between stopping drinking and working through the steps (in particular step 4) and finding a way of starting each day with my AA prayers / reflections / meditations (whatever you prefer to call them) to make sure I'm in as good a place to deal with each day as it comes as I can be.
A lot of people will say 'It's okay to be angry'. but for the alcoholic (who tends to feel things more acutely than normies) resentment and anger really can be damaging - to our lives (many a dumb and damaging thing said or done in anger) and our sobriety. Hence H.A.L.T.
I found it really helpful to listen to those AA speaker tapes that focus on resentments and anger, and read some really helpful stuff about 'Justified Resentments' which made me realise that while I'd been nursing my justified resentment for years, the only person it damaged was me. The person I was angry with didn't even feel it. It was like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.
When AAers talk about forgiving and making amends, we don't do that s**t just to be nice. We do it to preserve our own sanity and serenity and keep ourselves sober.
xxx
A lot of people will say 'It's okay to be angry'. but for the alcoholic (who tends to feel things more acutely than normies) resentment and anger really can be damaging - to our lives (many a dumb and damaging thing said or done in anger) and our sobriety. Hence H.A.L.T.
I found it really helpful to listen to those AA speaker tapes that focus on resentments and anger, and read some really helpful stuff about 'Justified Resentments' which made me realise that while I'd been nursing my justified resentment for years, the only person it damaged was me. The person I was angry with didn't even feel it. It was like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.
When AAers talk about forgiving and making amends, we don't do that s**t just to be nice. We do it to preserve our own sanity and serenity and keep ourselves sober.
xxx
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Sounds super frustrating.
As hard as I KNOW it is, I think we need to set relationship issues aside while we're trying to get our sober feet under us.
I went through so many emotional ups and downs the first year. So many feelings and reactions and thought patterns I had no real control over or understanding of.
It's really hard when the one we love drinks and has no comprehension of what we're going through in getting sober. But we can't blame them for that.
I hope you're able to find space in your day - physical space, emotional space, mental space - to remind yourself of that and to give yourself the gift of patience with your husband. Remember that WE ARE NO DAMN PARTY TO LIVE WITH EITHER. Whether recovering or drinking - we who have drinking problems, we addicts, we alcoholics, are a challenging pack of folks to deal with as partners. We're no saints. We're no heroes. That doesn't excuse lousy behavior from our partners but maybe it helps us be a little more tolerant in recognizing that they are human and we can be a-holes.
Try to focus on yourself, on just being the best you can be for YOU, on holding progress in your sobriety and on being the best person and partner you can. If there is abuse - be it physical, mental, emotional - that is another story. But if it is not abusive, then maybe what you will find is that things improve with time and with a deepening of your own sobriety and wellness.
Hang in there.
As hard as I KNOW it is, I think we need to set relationship issues aside while we're trying to get our sober feet under us.
I went through so many emotional ups and downs the first year. So many feelings and reactions and thought patterns I had no real control over or understanding of.
It's really hard when the one we love drinks and has no comprehension of what we're going through in getting sober. But we can't blame them for that.
I hope you're able to find space in your day - physical space, emotional space, mental space - to remind yourself of that and to give yourself the gift of patience with your husband. Remember that WE ARE NO DAMN PARTY TO LIVE WITH EITHER. Whether recovering or drinking - we who have drinking problems, we addicts, we alcoholics, are a challenging pack of folks to deal with as partners. We're no saints. We're no heroes. That doesn't excuse lousy behavior from our partners but maybe it helps us be a little more tolerant in recognizing that they are human and we can be a-holes.
Try to focus on yourself, on just being the best you can be for YOU, on holding progress in your sobriety and on being the best person and partner you can. If there is abuse - be it physical, mental, emotional - that is another story. But if it is not abusive, then maybe what you will find is that things improve with time and with a deepening of your own sobriety and wellness.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I agree with FreeOwl. We aren't exactly a bed or roses either. When I read my posts that Scott directed me to last night, I thought about how my wife must think or deal with me when in that kind of funk. Horrible.
Also, and I am considering starting a thread on this, but selfishness is generally regarded as a negative trait. But I feel it is a requirement in early sobriety. It has to be. I think you have to build a barrier thick enough to gaurd Fort Knox around you so you don't succumb to temptation.
Also, and I am considering starting a thread on this, but selfishness is generally regarded as a negative trait. But I feel it is a requirement in early sobriety. It has to be. I think you have to build a barrier thick enough to gaurd Fort Knox around you so you don't succumb to temptation.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,231
I remember the resentments I held on
to my husband of 25 yrs for a long time.
He was along with my kids as members
of our family unit without addictions.
Seems as tho normal folks don't put
drinking as top priority in their lives
like I did. School, work, family, fun
activities were their priorities.
About 8 yrs into our marriage was
when my husband and family did an
intervention on me and for them saving
my life I resented that. How dare you
take my only source of fun away from
me.
As I continued to learn about recovery
and held on to the hope that so many
member in recovery talked about that
I would one day experience the promises
that is stated in our Big Book of AA, kept
me plowing thru one day at a time I didn't
drink.
Over our 25 yrs marriage, I was the only
one who was working and living a program
of recovery. We eventually failed in communication
and understanding and what marriage was
truly all about.
With so much prayers asking for guidance,
strength, and care in my recovery life, my
prayers eventually got answered and thus
left my 25 yr marriage.
Sure there were a many days and yrs where
I would say that my husband was the calm in
my storms of life, the one with the halo and
wings, however, I wanted a husband, a spouse,
who would not only take care of my heart
and put me first above his family, work, and
most of all his family, and he didn't sad to say.
That was when I realized where I stood
in his life and he in mine and that became
the culprit to end of our marriage.
Im not gonna say I was an angel or saint
in our marriage, because I wasn't. I did
all the things that I thought I needed to
make me happy and they actually didn't.
They were lies, deception, manipulation,
sins.
When my prayer was answered and could
leave the marriage without hurting my spouse
then and only then was another door opened
for me to experience a freedom like no other
I had ever experienced before.
No more lies. No more sins. No more resentments.
I live like an open book with nothing to
hide and that to me is what living in recovery
is all about.
Willingness, openmindedness and honesty.
to my husband of 25 yrs for a long time.
He was along with my kids as members
of our family unit without addictions.
Seems as tho normal folks don't put
drinking as top priority in their lives
like I did. School, work, family, fun
activities were their priorities.
About 8 yrs into our marriage was
when my husband and family did an
intervention on me and for them saving
my life I resented that. How dare you
take my only source of fun away from
me.
As I continued to learn about recovery
and held on to the hope that so many
member in recovery talked about that
I would one day experience the promises
that is stated in our Big Book of AA, kept
me plowing thru one day at a time I didn't
drink.
Over our 25 yrs marriage, I was the only
one who was working and living a program
of recovery. We eventually failed in communication
and understanding and what marriage was
truly all about.
With so much prayers asking for guidance,
strength, and care in my recovery life, my
prayers eventually got answered and thus
left my 25 yr marriage.
Sure there were a many days and yrs where
I would say that my husband was the calm in
my storms of life, the one with the halo and
wings, however, I wanted a husband, a spouse,
who would not only take care of my heart
and put me first above his family, work, and
most of all his family, and he didn't sad to say.
That was when I realized where I stood
in his life and he in mine and that became
the culprit to end of our marriage.
Im not gonna say I was an angel or saint
in our marriage, because I wasn't. I did
all the things that I thought I needed to
make me happy and they actually didn't.
They were lies, deception, manipulation,
sins.
When my prayer was answered and could
leave the marriage without hurting my spouse
then and only then was another door opened
for me to experience a freedom like no other
I had ever experienced before.
No more lies. No more sins. No more resentments.
I live like an open book with nothing to
hide and that to me is what living in recovery
is all about.
Willingness, openmindedness and honesty.
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