thomas11

My plan is to stay put. Right here on SR and keep my mind occupied, so fair warning....if I post a lot in the next few hours, you will know why. Bear with me folks.

thomas11

LimitedLemur, you just reminded of something that had totally escaped me....tomorrow. I'm currently thinking in the moment. Want that buzz, the laughter (at least it starts that way). But come tomorrow, oh boy, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I know it would be bad. Probably even do the hair of the dog trick, and then there we go....hang on, its going to be a rough ride. Thanks for the reminder.

On The Road

Thomas said: "My plan is to stay put. Right here on SR and keep my mind occupied, so fair warning....if I post a lot in the next few hours, you will know why. Bear with me folks."


Hang in there, my friend. And post all weekend, if you have to.

thomas11

Ya know, let's skip thinking about tomorrow. I could have my wife drive me up to the bar right now, and I know I'd run into a TON of people and have a really good time. Bars are open until 2AM, plenty of time to catch up with people and so forth. Furthermore, I know they are up there, having a good time, they don't have the handcuffs on themselves, they are doing what they want and having fun doing it. I want that. ok? I'm completely contradicting what I told myself many years ago. And that is I would no longer deprive myself of the pleasures in life. So yeah, its bugging me.

ScottFromWI

That's the biggest steaming pile of bulls**t I've heard in a while Thomas, and it's 100% your addiction talking. You know it too. Remember what happened last time you picked up again? Browse back and read some of the posts you wrote during your last binge and how the whole thing ended.

You are smart...you run a successful business...you have a wife that loves you and you have an entire army of supporters here. Your AV would love you to forget all that, but you know better.

Serenidad

Nooooooooo!!!!!! Don't do it Thomas! You will totally hate yourself and regret it. Tell you AV to shut the **** up!

Soberwolf

Thomas just keep on posting bud your fighting it but so is your AV dont let your AV win keep playing the tape bud

Austin4Wyo

When these thoughts creep into my head, and they do, on occasion, I do all the play the tape stuff, look back on my treatment writing, etc. It helps some.

Really, what helps most? I remind myself that I have plans for Christmas. The way my addiction works, those plans are derailed as soon as I drink. So all the other strategies are summed up right there...I have plans for Christmas.

"Always Believe!" -The Ultimate Warrior

silentrun

Jeff, when you say you are stubborn and you would drink if you wanted to, I call that the red zone. Don't let it go that far in your mind. I got there once and it is almost impossible to turn back at that point.

I wanted to point out that in the post quoted that you are looking at the situation much differently than I did. You are not depriving yourself of anything, you are trying to break a powerful cycle you find yourself in. It is going to come at you with these thoughts and you have to figure out how to defeat them so you can, as Dee says, achieve escape velocity. You said they are up there having fun and doing what they want. You are not being punished by being grounded. You are doing what you need to do to get yourself healthy and happy. It will be worth it.

I never allowed myself to remember what it felt like to drink. Whenever the "hey baby's" would come at me I would remember some of the horrible drinking memories to keep those thoughts away. Sometimes my brain would scream at me Just do it...just tonight. When that would happen I would pretend that I had given into the urge the night before and today was actually tomorrow. Last night was a big drinking night at the bar. Aren't you glad you didn't go out and get drunk last night?

Dee74

It saddens me that you still see drinking as pleasurable for you.
I totally get it, but it saddens me.

Many of us here sat with you through threads and PMs where things were decidedly not pleasurable for you - but that's the power of alcoholism and selective memory.

I know that you hate to 'lose' and that a part of you is steaming against not being able to control your drinking.

Sometimes we just have to accept things, particularly as we grow older. It's part of being an upstanding guy, pillar of the community and an adult.

I've said several times now you have a great opportunity here - very few of us get a period of time where we cannot drink - it's like the best head start ever.

I'd *really* hate to see you mess that up, man.

D

gettingsmarter

Thomas my AV has been going nuts the last 12 hours. Kinda feels like a boxing match. A few hours of drunk is not worth feeling horrible for days and days.

thomas11

Yeah, its a bunch of crap and we both know it. I'm still not 100% clear on this AV thing (its an AA term correct?) I guess I call them urges or impulses. I still haven't gone back to read my posts. I need to. Maybe tonight.

Dee74

It's actually from Rational Recovery.

It stands for addictive voice.

It's nothing more than that thought 'Just having a few isn't a big deal', Jeff.

D

thomas11

Hi Silent, the sentence above hits home with me, and yes, I will be thankful. I know for damn sure that there will be some pretty crappy feeling human beings headed down to the lake tomorrow.....to do it again! Stupid and crazy. I will be up and feeling good. I'll probably be here tomorrow quite a bit too. I have nothing going on until we go back to work on Tuesday. We worked today so I gave everyone the day off on Monday.

Venecia

Yup, time on SR this weekend -- and probably lots of it -- sounds like a good idea, Jeff.

Lots of good, frank feedback here. The only thing I can add is that you've been honest about your wife having reached a point where she's let you know she's been pretty unhappy about the drinking. You're living in a second chance and that is something to bear in mind. Sounds like the stakes are high.

Hang in there. Play the tape forward. These things never end well, do they?

You can do this, Jeff.

thomas11

First off, Dee, please please don't let anything I say or do sadden you. God I feel guilty already. I'm just a bum from Minnesota, USA.

I feel like you do really understand me. I'm sure doing what you do, you learn to observe all types of personalities etc...but yes, I'm competitive and I am doing a slow burn right now. It does not sit well with me that I shouldn't drink. No one will ever get me to say I "can't" drink. We are frickin adults, we can do whatever we want. That's part of the fun.
Lastly, you mention being a pillar of the community, that resonates with me. Everyone likes being looked at as being upstanding, responsible, and part of the fabric of the community. I live in a town of about 25,000 people, and we done projects on our main street. I like knowing that every day I (along with hundreds of others) drive down that street and can look at projects I have done to improve our community. Sure, I got paid for it, but our town looks nicer because of it.
I'm not messing anything up Dee, at least not tonight. And seriously, I sincerely feel guilty for sayings things that sadden you. But you're a big boy, I'm sure you'll get over it, and maybe I'm thinking a bit too highly of myself.

thomas11

Thanks Venecia, and no they certainly did not end well this last time around. Good Lord.

Dee74

I didn't say that to make you feel guilty Jeff - guilt is a pretty useless emotion anyway.

we're a family and sometimes I reads things here that sadden me - but they don't overwhelm me, cos that wouldn't do you or me much good

I know you're battling this, but I have faith in you and your ability to do the right thing by those you love , those who love and depend on you, and most importantly , by yourself

D

dwtbd

When I finally got to the point in my life to really look at what alcohol does to me, 100% total self honest appraisal, not even the little shades of bs you try and trick or hide from yourself, I realized I shouldn't. For the first few weeks my stance with myself was , I can't, for me. Of course I could, I'm a big boy.
At some point though, it became I don't. I don't , because I choose not to, I have the power, there is no can't, that would mean I don't have the power , but I do, because I don't.
I'd never ask some one to say they can't, but I sure as hell would root for them to say " I don't'".
Rooting for ya

Debbie329

I just dipped into my ice cream stores......it was delicious and refreshing.....try that.