I Went 14 months Clean until 3 months Ago! Beating myself up!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 2
I Went 14 months Clean until 3 months Ago! Beating myself up!
Hello all,
I screwed up! Sucks!
So a little about my addiction. It really took off in 2008 when my daughter at 3 was diagnosed with leukemia. I was scheduled for a minor shoulder surgey a month after that. But obviously it was postponed. One thing led to another, I went from prescription IB 800....Tramadol....to finally perks. I was one to never take anything.
Jumping ahead....I was actually on perks for 5 years....It was good for a while until things started going down hill. Scripts running short, buying off street etc. Until one day I said enough is enough!
I walked into my doctors office 17 months ago and said I'm done with pain pills. I went through a pretty bad withdrawal then seeing I was also using benzos etc. I actually made it a point to go as far as being on the "Vivitrol Shot"
Jumping ahead....I did 12 months of Vivitrol. It really worked for me....well it worked until 2 months after being off it. Back in February of this year we had crazy snow falls here in New England. Between snow removal at work and home. I was hurting. (But looking back I'm thinking it was an excuse) Anyways, some perks were around and that's where the mistake was made. I do a few its no big deal....Well it was a big deal, because here I am 4 days clean. Feeling very down on myself. I have no motivation. W/D symptoms are mild compared to what they were 17 months ago.
I'm actually scheduled to go back on the Vivitrol shot next Thursday. I'm just so disappointed with myself. I feel like getting a few perks for the holiday 4th just to boos my moral. But then I think of the damn rat race. The crazy money spent over the past few months etc. I try to justify and say hey its only been a few months not years like before. But I just can't get over the feelings I have. Why can't life feel like it does when taking perks. Idk.
Well that's it in a nutshell. Trying to do the right thing again. I just want to feel good. Feel happy. Will I bounce back quicker after only using a few months?
Thanks for listening!!
I screwed up! Sucks!
So a little about my addiction. It really took off in 2008 when my daughter at 3 was diagnosed with leukemia. I was scheduled for a minor shoulder surgey a month after that. But obviously it was postponed. One thing led to another, I went from prescription IB 800....Tramadol....to finally perks. I was one to never take anything.
Jumping ahead....I was actually on perks for 5 years....It was good for a while until things started going down hill. Scripts running short, buying off street etc. Until one day I said enough is enough!
I walked into my doctors office 17 months ago and said I'm done with pain pills. I went through a pretty bad withdrawal then seeing I was also using benzos etc. I actually made it a point to go as far as being on the "Vivitrol Shot"
Jumping ahead....I did 12 months of Vivitrol. It really worked for me....well it worked until 2 months after being off it. Back in February of this year we had crazy snow falls here in New England. Between snow removal at work and home. I was hurting. (But looking back I'm thinking it was an excuse) Anyways, some perks were around and that's where the mistake was made. I do a few its no big deal....Well it was a big deal, because here I am 4 days clean. Feeling very down on myself. I have no motivation. W/D symptoms are mild compared to what they were 17 months ago.
I'm actually scheduled to go back on the Vivitrol shot next Thursday. I'm just so disappointed with myself. I feel like getting a few perks for the holiday 4th just to boos my moral. But then I think of the damn rat race. The crazy money spent over the past few months etc. I try to justify and say hey its only been a few months not years like before. But I just can't get over the feelings I have. Why can't life feel like it does when taking perks. Idk.
Well that's it in a nutshell. Trying to do the right thing again. I just want to feel good. Feel happy. Will I bounce back quicker after only using a few months?
Thanks for listening!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Originally Posted by Helicity 
Why can't life feel like it does when taking perks. Idk.
Use your annoyance with yourself as a stepping stone to move forward and come up with some healthy ways to deal with life's problems.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
Hi and welcome helicity 
I think you've beaten yourself up enough
I'd start making a recovery plan - you won't be on vivitrol forever....
I had to build a life I had no need to escape from. I put in a lot of work, and faced a lot of fears and long buried stuff, but I changed from being a 30 year drunk and pot head - you can change too
Welcome aboard
D
I think you've beaten yourself up enough
I'd start making a recovery plan - you won't be on vivitrol forever....
I had to build a life I had no need to escape from. I put in a lot of work, and faced a lot of fears and long buried stuff, but I changed from being a 30 year drunk and pot head - you can change too
Welcome aboard
D
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Flagstaff, Arizona
Posts: 2
We exist in a society that encourages guilt. A modicum of discomfort should be felt and, indeed, can propel you down a different path. Much past that point, guilt is useless at best and counterproductive at worst. Meaning, after a certain point, guilt will just fuel your desire to use. I know all of this sounds well and good. There is a massive difference between feelings and logic ("I can see guilt is useless, but I still feel it" etc.). Whenever you feel that pang, make a conscious point to pat yourself on the back for OVER A YEAR sober and for seeking out help on this forum. Perhaps you will enjoy some balance doing that. Everyone here knows these feelings, so you are smart to inquire here.
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