I Don't Fit In: Here, There or Anywhere
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Some really nice comments here dudes, I appreciate them all. But wait til you hear this. Its on topic…
Man I did the same before! I understand then where you were possibly coming from but not so much myself, wait until I tell ye. Guys I was getting kinda semi-pro at my little dj hobbie up until I became depressed right. People were contacting me a lot and all this, insisting on paying me for my efforts etc it was happening at around the same time I was becoming depressed which was unfortunate. Whatever, it was just my longest held passion I used to spend all my money and time at that because I loved it. I would play anywhere, all night, and for free because I loved it only and people really appreciated that then. BUT WAIT.
I met these guys at a club night out, a rare one at the time it wasn't long after our kid was born. So one of them got stranded in our home town after the club, we were locked in the bar all night until morning drinking etc- he was kind of out of his element in the morning knowing nobody so me being the empath I kind of buddied up to him and made him feel comfy, I dunno was it him or someone else who had no cash also but I was looking after someone in that way too that day, either him or my mate. That evening anyway his mate collected him, great it had been a bonding experience so he owned and administrated this clubbers forum and he told me and was egging me to sign up. So I did anyway soon after, a great community there mad for the music, way clued in to it, a bit of this that and the other etc just generally a nice bunch. I was on that for a while all normal that was great, my drinking and all of this was amping up on my side though (fighting with the ex she moved town, her using the kid as a weapon, me going to doctors about suicidal stuff, the parents in and out of court, and the father stalking me the whole time.) So I went past the really sad stage I had and I was beginning to drink heavily day and night and argue with them all on there as a passtime!
Now, it's a small country and a small electronic music community in general this is me sober saying it, and I personally knew several peeps on there as well as the administrator dude who I had got on great with. He was a leading light on there obviously. But I used to get absolute blotto at night right, real angry about my life and stuff and I'd pretend or tell myself I was anonymous on there (I wasnt at all, but I wasnt signed up anywhere else either) and F'n take them all on! Argue about anything just for the sake of it. Like, real bad and real douchey I would imagine tbh because I can't remember much. I remember they were all picking at this guy he was a conspiracy dude and I stuck up for him, maybe thats how it started. (I did much the same on Fakebook, somehow managed to convince myself I was on the internets anonymously- duh- and there was a whole world war z going on and I was going to stick myself right in the middle of it!) getting back to the story about the boys: I couldn't tell you the detail, its all vague but I was arguing with one of them in PM one night and I said in thickness, much what you maybe did Anvil that 'fine then, just delete my F'n account' and the guy goes 'right, done' and did! And that was that, I didn't go back because what ever else was going on at the time I was busy and eventually I was just too embarrassed. But it wasn't just an anon board man, it was one of the main communities for my lifelong passion and interest here! I absolutely and completely sabotaged myself and any hope of having a place in said community at least easily (I was there already sure) or for a long time. I still can't make sense of it. It just makes no sense, it was exactly where I wanted to be. Granted I was no longer playing or pursuing the interest then but it just makes no sense at all. Self destructive subconscious sabotage would be my absolute best guess. It's not even funny like.
This is a great quote MIR. That is something to live by, I am going to meditate on the truth within that. So far as my total mentaller internet exploration days go: I tried loving everyone and anyone for a while, all the people. That doesn't work. Tried hating everyone for a while, that definitely doesn't work. Both are opposite extremes, neither are plausible really or based in reality. Yeah MIR, I really do like that quote cheers.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
stratman, If you notice my username you will see "II" at the end.
WHY? cuz I got so fed up with this place and feeling like I didn't belong and had NOTHING to offer I asked the mods to kill my account AND all my posts.
they did.
WHY? cuz I got so fed up with this place and feeling like I didn't belong and had NOTHING to offer I asked the mods to kill my account AND all my posts.
they did.
I met these guys at a club night out, a rare one at the time it wasn't long after our kid was born. So one of them got stranded in our home town after the club, we were locked in the bar all night until morning drinking etc- he was kind of out of his element in the morning knowing nobody so me being the empath I kind of buddied up to him and made him feel comfy, I dunno was it him or someone else who had no cash also but I was looking after someone in that way too that day, either him or my mate. That evening anyway his mate collected him, great it had been a bonding experience so he owned and administrated this clubbers forum and he told me and was egging me to sign up. So I did anyway soon after, a great community there mad for the music, way clued in to it, a bit of this that and the other etc just generally a nice bunch. I was on that for a while all normal that was great, my drinking and all of this was amping up on my side though (fighting with the ex she moved town, her using the kid as a weapon, me going to doctors about suicidal stuff, the parents in and out of court, and the father stalking me the whole time.) So I went past the really sad stage I had and I was beginning to drink heavily day and night and argue with them all on there as a passtime!
Now, it's a small country and a small electronic music community in general this is me sober saying it, and I personally knew several peeps on there as well as the administrator dude who I had got on great with. He was a leading light on there obviously. But I used to get absolute blotto at night right, real angry about my life and stuff and I'd pretend or tell myself I was anonymous on there (I wasnt at all, but I wasnt signed up anywhere else either) and F'n take them all on! Argue about anything just for the sake of it. Like, real bad and real douchey I would imagine tbh because I can't remember much. I remember they were all picking at this guy he was a conspiracy dude and I stuck up for him, maybe thats how it started. (I did much the same on Fakebook, somehow managed to convince myself I was on the internets anonymously- duh- and there was a whole world war z going on and I was going to stick myself right in the middle of it!) getting back to the story about the boys: I couldn't tell you the detail, its all vague but I was arguing with one of them in PM one night and I said in thickness, much what you maybe did Anvil that 'fine then, just delete my F'n account' and the guy goes 'right, done' and did! And that was that, I didn't go back because what ever else was going on at the time I was busy and eventually I was just too embarrassed. But it wasn't just an anon board man, it was one of the main communities for my lifelong passion and interest here! I absolutely and completely sabotaged myself and any hope of having a place in said community at least easily (I was there already sure) or for a long time. I still can't make sense of it. It just makes no sense, it was exactly where I wanted to be. Granted I was no longer playing or pursuing the interest then but it just makes no sense at all. Self destructive subconscious sabotage would be my absolute best guess. It's not even funny like.
Originally Posted by MIRecovery
One of my favorite lines,"90% of the people don't care about me, 5% of of the people don't like me, and 5% do." I don't worry about the 95% but I spend a lot of time developing relationships with the 5%
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Lots of good comments here, Strat. I used to feel that way (that I don't fit anywhere) when I was younger... like on the scale that I sometimes described feeling like an alien and being born to the wrong planet 
And it even seemed to be validated by others as I was frequently called weird, eccentric, whatnot. I never had to feel that I wanted to be unique or to create an image that seemed special, as I was constantly viewed and described as "different" and it kinda seems to be true as I almost never manage to do anything in conventional ways or "by the book". This is not out of rebellion, just how most things turn out for me in the long run. When I was young, I would also constantly "run into" people who felt similarly misfits, and I often made friends with such people. What was nice in this is that I had relationships that were very authentic and real, even though often outside of the norm. I would not trade these kinds of relationships and "belonging" for anything! What happened with time was that I found a level of surface conformity, which is mostly required in my professional world, but generally I still do things "my way" and live a lifestyle of my own choosing.
Like others mentioned, I also find you a genuine and interesting person based on your posts, and I am not disturbed by your intensity in any way -- I'm like that too (intense) and definitely not everyone can take it or like all of it, here or IRL. I don't mind at all and am absolutely not willing to sacrifice the authenticity for attention or being liked or popular more. I actually find that there are many people like this here on SR, you can see it from the responses on this thread.
Joe Nerv had an interesting thread recently about the topic of what "thanks" on posts mean (or does not), check it out if you have not already.
I think you have been doing a lot of progress lately, and that is great since it's clear you have a lot of stuff to work through. I would say don't change anything in your style, be who you are and say what you have to. If you want more interaction and feedback, I think the best way is to get engaged in a variety of threads, respond to people, it'll come back to you.
I also think that you absolutely fit in here
And it even seemed to be validated by others as I was frequently called weird, eccentric, whatnot. I never had to feel that I wanted to be unique or to create an image that seemed special, as I was constantly viewed and described as "different" and it kinda seems to be true as I almost never manage to do anything in conventional ways or "by the book". This is not out of rebellion, just how most things turn out for me in the long run. When I was young, I would also constantly "run into" people who felt similarly misfits, and I often made friends with such people. What was nice in this is that I had relationships that were very authentic and real, even though often outside of the norm. I would not trade these kinds of relationships and "belonging" for anything! What happened with time was that I found a level of surface conformity, which is mostly required in my professional world, but generally I still do things "my way" and live a lifestyle of my own choosing. Like others mentioned, I also find you a genuine and interesting person based on your posts, and I am not disturbed by your intensity in any way -- I'm like that too (intense) and definitely not everyone can take it or like all of it, here or IRL. I don't mind at all and am absolutely not willing to sacrifice the authenticity for attention or being liked or popular more. I actually find that there are many people like this here on SR, you can see it from the responses on this thread.
Joe Nerv had an interesting thread recently about the topic of what "thanks" on posts mean (or does not), check it out if you have not already.
I think you have been doing a lot of progress lately, and that is great since it's clear you have a lot of stuff to work through. I would say don't change anything in your style, be who you are and say what you have to. If you want more interaction and feedback, I think the best way is to get engaged in a variety of threads, respond to people, it'll come back to you.
I also think that you absolutely fit in here
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Strat, you noted the issue of the thanks buttons. I can tell you that on threads where I post regularly, I use them to keep track of which I have read :-). Sometimes on short term threads I'll click thanks without thinking - so whether or not I click on thanks is rather random! I've had some times in the past when I've noticed a similar issue to what you mentioned. I finally decided it wasn't worth stressing over.
We are all here for the same reasons and I respect everyone for working hard on staying sober!
We are all here for the same reasons and I respect everyone for working hard on staying sober!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Hey Strat,
I don't remember the exact topic but we had an AA meeting one time and a lot of the discussion was on "feeling alone in a crowded room". A great number of alkies feel the same apparently. Keep coming back.
I don't remember the exact topic but we had an AA meeting one time and a lot of the discussion was on "feeling alone in a crowded room". A great number of alkies feel the same apparently. Keep coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Sound out. Misfits of the world unite! I'm definitely that alright and always have been, not like a loner or anything (no time or space being the main factor there seemingly) but certainly some different dynamics than the dreaded norm perhaps. I've been trying to out my finger on it for a long time. I'm sure it relates to upbringing in some sense at least, maybe more. One thing I do know for sure is that I tried to be normal and it didn't work out, so good luck now to that. Yeah Julie, I had always planned to do that except my life just kept on getting crazier all the time. It's not exactly a priority right now, that was many years ago. I would like to sign back up some day for the interest when I'm more settled but that day hasn't come since.
That came up in one of the empath articles (I could really do with learning a whole lot more about that I'm thinking recently) Haennie about feeling from another planet. Actually I never really thought that way myself (I may well have felt it) but it was often casted on me by others! Mainly the usual type of phraseology 'mad bastard, lunatic, wildman' etc but those are standard enough phrases here. One of the lads though said something to me one night that I thought about often and couldn't understand what he meant. He said 'sure man, all the young lads round town think your nuts and that you should be walking about with a bag of cats swinging around your neck'. Huh? I never associated with the young lads around town so I couldn't figure out what he was on about. Maybe its because my gf was a **** and I didn't know that, I put it down to that in the end.
Also around that time he had been chasing this girl in work persistently but wasn't able to seal the deal, and we were all out one night and she stole me away from him! Just like that, great night it was. I won't say any more than that, a real hot young one. So one would assume he had a bee in his bonnet about that also. I agree with everything you say though. Yeah over the last year or so I have had 50 or so hours a week solitude (I need that more than anything in this world almost, i have chosen it often over food before) which is far more than ever. So I have had some time to figure out things. Like what is real and what id not. What is real important and what is not. Time well spent, things could be easily simplified in my life from this point on I believe. I have been meaning to get involved in more threads but I made a decision a while back that I have so much going on here that I need to focus on my own stuff, and maybe having fun besides. At least for now anyway. I still have nowhere near found some stability! Cheers
That came up in one of the empath articles (I could really do with learning a whole lot more about that I'm thinking recently) Haennie about feeling from another planet. Actually I never really thought that way myself (I may well have felt it) but it was often casted on me by others! Mainly the usual type of phraseology 'mad bastard, lunatic, wildman' etc but those are standard enough phrases here. One of the lads though said something to me one night that I thought about often and couldn't understand what he meant. He said 'sure man, all the young lads round town think your nuts and that you should be walking about with a bag of cats swinging around your neck'. Huh? I never associated with the young lads around town so I couldn't figure out what he was on about. Maybe its because my gf was a **** and I didn't know that, I put it down to that in the end.
Also around that time he had been chasing this girl in work persistently but wasn't able to seal the deal, and we were all out one night and she stole me away from him! Just like that, great night it was. I won't say any more than that, a real hot young one. So one would assume he had a bee in his bonnet about that also. I agree with everything you say though. Yeah over the last year or so I have had 50 or so hours a week solitude (I need that more than anything in this world almost, i have chosen it often over food before) which is far more than ever. So I have had some time to figure out things. Like what is real and what id not. What is real important and what is not. Time well spent, things could be easily simplified in my life from this point on I believe. I have been meaning to get involved in more threads but I made a decision a while back that I have so much going on here that I need to focus on my own stuff, and maybe having fun besides. At least for now anyway. I still have nowhere near found some stability! Cheers
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
