dont know how much longer ill last
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: uk east yorkshire
Posts: 115
dont know how much longer ill last
not much changed since my last post on 14/6 ,
I reached my 10 month date got my coin from aa,
but I constantly just want to get pissed, not 1 drink, I know it wont be 1 drink,
Is it like this forever?
seriously I hate it, the thoughts to drink wont go away, and part of me wants to get pissed,
ive got loads of other mental health issues, some in aa argue its all alcoholism, but I know its not,
its not alcoholism the fact I have to keep washing my hands or wash things I touch or avoid touching them or have to wash and change my clothes several times a day because I think everything is contaminated.
but because im 43 years old it seems the mental health team have the attitude , you've got this far through life ! yeah I have, by using alcohol or drugs to get off my head on a daily basis, that's how.
my doctor only yesterday said just persevere with your hand washing, anxiety, suicidal thoughts,
great, I wish I could brush them under the carpet that easy,
so I tell my doctor I either want to drink, die, or both, and she says persevere with it.
still on my 100mg trazodone, to be honest I would say my hand washing and anxieties have got worse the last 2 weeks, my suicidal thoughts did calm down, in the first week of trazodone, but are back as strong as before last few days.
if theres too much talk of medication, suicide etc in this post then edit or delete by all means, but its how I feel and I cant see it getting any better.
I reached my 10 month date got my coin from aa,
but I constantly just want to get pissed, not 1 drink, I know it wont be 1 drink,
Is it like this forever?
seriously I hate it, the thoughts to drink wont go away, and part of me wants to get pissed,
ive got loads of other mental health issues, some in aa argue its all alcoholism, but I know its not,
its not alcoholism the fact I have to keep washing my hands or wash things I touch or avoid touching them or have to wash and change my clothes several times a day because I think everything is contaminated.
but because im 43 years old it seems the mental health team have the attitude , you've got this far through life ! yeah I have, by using alcohol or drugs to get off my head on a daily basis, that's how.
my doctor only yesterday said just persevere with your hand washing, anxiety, suicidal thoughts,
great, I wish I could brush them under the carpet that easy,
so I tell my doctor I either want to drink, die, or both, and she says persevere with it.
still on my 100mg trazodone, to be honest I would say my hand washing and anxieties have got worse the last 2 weeks, my suicidal thoughts did calm down, in the first week of trazodone, but are back as strong as before last few days.
if theres too much talk of medication, suicide etc in this post then edit or delete by all means, but its how I feel and I cant see it getting any better.
Last edited by fastfocus; 06-30-2015 at 10:06 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Hello fastfocus,
Have you WORKED the 12 Steps of AA? Fully dedicated, thoroughly WORKING each step?
I ask because I drank for 40 Years, then STRUGGLED for a long time. A friend suggested I WORK the steps, just as I am asking you, and he made the statement ... the Steps ALWAYS bring about a complete transformation when they are WORKED thru.
I can help, only because of what has happened in my transformation.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Have you WORKED the 12 Steps of AA? Fully dedicated, thoroughly WORKING each step?
I ask because I drank for 40 Years, then STRUGGLED for a long time. A friend suggested I WORK the steps, just as I am asking you, and he made the statement ... the Steps ALWAYS bring about a complete transformation when they are WORKED thru.
I can help, only because of what has happened in my transformation.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Are you seeing a doctor who specializes in psychiatric disorders? There are many different drugs to try. I know some of them take a few weeks to stabilize in your system. Don't give up and drink, that will set you back and you may never find a solution. There is a solution - I know I searched for years, and we are all still learning. The obsessive thoughts - have you tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy?
Keep trying different things - exercise, healthy food. Are you currently working the steps in AA? That is the meat of the program and where you will find the most relief.
Keep trying different things - exercise, healthy food. Are you currently working the steps in AA? That is the meat of the program and where you will find the most relief.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: uk east yorkshire
Posts: 115
I don't believe in god, never will, so therefore wont pray,
but that aside yes ive tried to do the steps, ive done a step 4 and 5 with someone, but fail to see what benefit I got, I know I have to behave different and try to be nice to people etc, but I really am not a people person, I would rather be left alone, that aspect doesn't bother me, I just do not mix with other people, I have 2 friends that's it.
I don't get it in aa when they all say god did it, ask god, did you pray today.
I don't really go to aa much now a days because of that, though I went last night to collect my 10 month coin, I maybe go once every 7 to 10 days to a meeting.
but that aside yes ive tried to do the steps, ive done a step 4 and 5 with someone, but fail to see what benefit I got, I know I have to behave different and try to be nice to people etc, but I really am not a people person, I would rather be left alone, that aspect doesn't bother me, I just do not mix with other people, I have 2 friends that's it.
I don't get it in aa when they all say god did it, ask god, did you pray today.
I don't really go to aa much now a days because of that, though I went last night to collect my 10 month coin, I maybe go once every 7 to 10 days to a meeting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: uk east yorkshire
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Are you seeing a doctor who specializes in psychiatric disorders? There are many different drugs to try. I know some of them take a few weeks to stabilize in your system.
Keep trying different things - exercise, healthy food. Are you currently working the steps in AA? That is the meat of the program and where you will find the most relief.
Keep trying different things - exercise, healthy food. Are you currently working the steps in AA? That is the meat of the program and where you will find the most relief.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,057
Originally Posted by fastfocus
I don't get it in aa when they all say god did it, ask god, did you pray today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: uk east yorkshire
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by Coldfusion
Although you say you have gotten to Steps Four and Five, this statement tells me you have not given your will and your life over to God (Step Three). The Steps need to be worked completely and in order. Maybe a therapist could help you with the first Three Steps?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
HI fastfocus, you sound understandably frustrated. alcohol free for an extended period of time and still not happy. This may be a stretch, but since the alcohol has been eliminated, I believe the focus may need to shift to the other issues you are experiencing. a different set of medical professional etc...sounds like you have that lined up. best wishes to you and congratulations on being alcohol free for 10 months.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I know lots of people at my meeting don't believe in God as Christians would believe in him. They have found a higher power of their own.
If you haven't already done son, it might be worth checking out some of the posts & responses on the secular 12-steps section... Secular 12 Step Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Also you could maybe re-read the Big Book Chapter 4 (We Agnostics)? http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt4.pdf
I hope things get better for you soon.
If you haven't already done son, it might be worth checking out some of the posts & responses on the secular 12-steps section... Secular 12 Step Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Also you could maybe re-read the Big Book Chapter 4 (We Agnostics)? http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt4.pdf
I hope things get better for you soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: uk east yorkshire
Posts: 115
this is best ive ever seen, thanks
Click on "commentary" under each step for detailed discussion of the step.
Step 1:
I get it: What I’ve been doing is self-destructive. I need to change.
Original wording (AA):
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
Codependency:
We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Generic version:
We admitted we were powerless over things we believed we should control -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
commentary
Step 2:
I see the big picture: The way to stop relapsing into self-destructive behaviors is to build a healthier sense of self.
Original wording (AA):
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
commentary
Step 3:
I have an action plan: From now on, I am squarely facing everything that is in the way of feeling really satisfied with my life.
Original wording (AA):
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power as we understood this Higher Power.
commentary
Step 4:
I honestly look at the effects of my actions on others and myself.
Original wording (AA):
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
commentary
Step 5:
I take responsibility for my actions.
Original wording (AA):
Admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
commentary
Step 6:
I see that my knee-jerk reactions have to do with being in the grip of more or less conscious fears.
Original wording (AA):
Were entirely ready to have our Higher Power remove all these defects of character.
commentary
Step 7:
I strive to find my motivation in a deeper sense of who I
really am, rather than fear and defensiveness.
Original wording (AA):
Humbly asked our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings.
commentary
Step 8:
I stop blaming and feeling blamed, with a willingness to heal the wounds.
Original wording (AA):
Made a list of all the people we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
commentary
Step 9:
I swallow my pride, and sincerely apologize to people I've hurt, except when this would be counterproductive.
Original wording (AA):
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
commentary
Step 10:
I live mindfully, paying attention to the motives and effects of my actions.
Original wording (AA):
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
commentary
Step 11:
I stay in touch with a broader sense of who I really am, and a deeper sense of what I really want.
Original wording (AA):
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power as we understood this Higher Power, praying only for knowledge of this Higher Power's will for us and the power to carry that out.
commentary
Step 12:
A growing sense of wholeness and contentment motivates me to keep at it, and to share this process with others who are struggling.
Original wording (AA & others):
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other (alcoholics, codependents, people who feel stuck...); and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Click on "commentary" under each step for detailed discussion of the step.
Step 1:
I get it: What I’ve been doing is self-destructive. I need to change.
Original wording (AA):
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
Codependency:
We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Generic version:
We admitted we were powerless over things we believed we should control -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
commentary
Step 2:
I see the big picture: The way to stop relapsing into self-destructive behaviors is to build a healthier sense of self.
Original wording (AA):
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
commentary
Step 3:
I have an action plan: From now on, I am squarely facing everything that is in the way of feeling really satisfied with my life.
Original wording (AA):
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power as we understood this Higher Power.
commentary
Step 4:
I honestly look at the effects of my actions on others and myself.
Original wording (AA):
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
commentary
Step 5:
I take responsibility for my actions.
Original wording (AA):
Admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
commentary
Step 6:
I see that my knee-jerk reactions have to do with being in the grip of more or less conscious fears.
Original wording (AA):
Were entirely ready to have our Higher Power remove all these defects of character.
commentary
Step 7:
I strive to find my motivation in a deeper sense of who I
really am, rather than fear and defensiveness.
Original wording (AA):
Humbly asked our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings.
commentary
Step 8:
I stop blaming and feeling blamed, with a willingness to heal the wounds.
Original wording (AA):
Made a list of all the people we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
commentary
Step 9:
I swallow my pride, and sincerely apologize to people I've hurt, except when this would be counterproductive.
Original wording (AA):
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
commentary
Step 10:
I live mindfully, paying attention to the motives and effects of my actions.
Original wording (AA):
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
commentary
Step 11:
I stay in touch with a broader sense of who I really am, and a deeper sense of what I really want.
Original wording (AA):
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power as we understood this Higher Power, praying only for knowledge of this Higher Power's will for us and the power to carry that out.
commentary
Step 12:
A growing sense of wholeness and contentment motivates me to keep at it, and to share this process with others who are struggling.
Original wording (AA & others):
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other (alcoholics, codependents, people who feel stuck...); and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
No its not forever FF i remember ppl saying something about months 9-10 being harder for some reason
What i noticed is you said i know it wont be 1 that is great insight that should be used wisely and congrats on the 10 month mark the first year is going to be testing and if you get more cravings SR has links that can help with that
What i noticed is you said i know it wont be 1 that is great insight that should be used wisely and congrats on the 10 month mark the first year is going to be testing and if you get more cravings SR has links that can help with that
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
What's the plan other than not drinking?
I found the more I began to work on my life, new routines, new activities, new hobbies, meeting new people, the more there seemed to be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, but that took time.
Sobriety for me was more than abstinence, that simply created a whole lot of time on my hands with my own thoughts, and that meant thinking about alcohol, instead I needed to start carving out a new lifestyle for myself, one away from alcohol, and as a result the thoughts of alcohol slowly began to subside and make things easier!!
Hang in there!!
I found the more I began to work on my life, new routines, new activities, new hobbies, meeting new people, the more there seemed to be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, but that took time.
Sobriety for me was more than abstinence, that simply created a whole lot of time on my hands with my own thoughts, and that meant thinking about alcohol, instead I needed to start carving out a new lifestyle for myself, one away from alcohol, and as a result the thoughts of alcohol slowly began to subside and make things easier!!
Hang in there!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,354
The better your plan is the more chance you have of real change FF
there's some great ideas here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
D
there's some great ideas here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: uk east yorkshire
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by Purpleknight
What's the plan other than not drinking?
I found the more I began to work on my life, new routines, new activities, new hobbies, meeting new people, the more there seemed to be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, but that took time.
Sobriety for me was more than abstinence, that simply created a whole lot of time on my hands with my own thoughts, and that meant thinking about alcohol, instead I needed to start carving out a new lifestyle for myself, one away from alcohol, and as a result the thoughts of alcohol slowly began to subside and make things easier!!
Hang in there!!
I found the more I began to work on my life, new routines, new activities, new hobbies, meeting new people, the more there seemed to be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, but that took time.
Sobriety for me was more than abstinence, that simply created a whole lot of time on my hands with my own thoughts, and that meant thinking about alcohol, instead I needed to start carving out a new lifestyle for myself, one away from alcohol, and as a result the thoughts of alcohol slowly began to subside and make things easier!!
Hang in there!!
my drinking thoughts are so intense, and so are my suicidal thoughts.
in aa people told me give it 6 months you will feel better, I use to only get about 3 or 4 weeks sober, I did do 3 months a few times too but they were awful, I don't know how I got to 10 months, but I do know it doesn't feel better I feel ****.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 562
I hear your frustration.....I started taking anti depressants in the last six months.....I'm better for it......my doctor gave me trazadone to sleep ...... I've got other another anti depressant for depression and also a mood stabilizer ...... I have yet to make it past 51 days so congratulations on 6 months.....but I am feeling a whole lot better. If you haven't already get some exercise and take some vitamins.....both of those activities will help w what sounds like depression talking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: uk east yorkshire
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by Debbie329
I hear your frustration.....I started taking anti depressants in the last six months.....I'm better for it......my doctor gave me trazadone to sleep ...... I've got other another anti depressant for depression and also a mood stabilizer ...... I have yet to make it past 51 days so congratulations on 6 months.....but I am feeling a whole lot better. If you haven't already get some exercise and take some vitamins.....both of those activities will help w what sounds like depression talking.
thanks, its 10 months,
doctor wont give me any more or other medication she said persevere with my anxieties and suicidal thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
"I see the big picture: The way to stop relapsing into self-destructive behaviors is to build a healthier sense of self."
I struggled real hard to 'fix myself' ... didn't work. Just like I went for a long time insisting I did not have the condition of being an 'Alcoholic'.
I WAS WRONG ... my life was dramatically transformed when I gave up (SURRENDERED). If I had insisted on running my life on Self-Will-Run-Riot, and closing my eyes and sticking my fingers in my ears and kept ranting, THERE IS NO POWER GREATER THAN ME IN THE UNIVERSE ... I now KNOW I would still be the miserable person I used to be.
RDBplus3 ... now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW anyone can be ... but I ABSOLUTELY could not fix my Spiritually Diseased SELF with my Spiritually Diseased Self.
I struggled real hard to 'fix myself' ... didn't work. Just like I went for a long time insisting I did not have the condition of being an 'Alcoholic'.
I WAS WRONG ... my life was dramatically transformed when I gave up (SURRENDERED). If I had insisted on running my life on Self-Will-Run-Riot, and closing my eyes and sticking my fingers in my ears and kept ranting, THERE IS NO POWER GREATER THAN ME IN THE UNIVERSE ... I now KNOW I would still be the miserable person I used to be.
RDBplus3 ... now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW anyone can be ... but I ABSOLUTELY could not fix my Spiritually Diseased SELF with my Spiritually Diseased Self.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
If there is no power greater than ME in the universe, why do I need to take the next breath of oxygen to stay alive, knowing I did not create the oxygen my every breath depends upon?
Just Sayin ... this is what made me finally SURRENDER the CONTROL I demanded that had run ME into the rocks
Just Sayin ... this is what made me finally SURRENDER the CONTROL I demanded that had run ME into the rocks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
it sounds like you got a few things going on.
You still want to drink tho but why? play the tape whats it going to do for you? is it going to be beneficial is it the solution you need? I kinda had to realizse i could do a lot of things but drinking was not gonna be a solution to anything. I kicked and screamed and cryed about how this was BS that i couldnt drink but I eventually accepted it and moved on. I wont lie I still have my moments. the other day I told my wife maybe instead of all this healthy nonsense I should just get a meat lovers pizza and a bag of dope screw it!
It sounds like you got some anger and frustration an danxiety going on. I'm sure some of it is because you cant drink or you cant seemt o get any relief from lifes issues. You can try exercising clean diet getting some hobbies etc.. There may not be a magic bullet but all these things can help a bit to ease matters.
try and pick apart your issues some how much is alcohol related and how much is not. you said yourself you dont think its all alcohol related. try and pick it apart some and tackle each issue on its own as you can dont overwhelm yourself.
I described my mind as like a birds nest. it was a friggen mess up there when i got sober. I had to untangle that mess as best i could just not drinking was going to fix it. and i wont lie it stunk i wanted to scream at times!
You still want to drink tho but why? play the tape whats it going to do for you? is it going to be beneficial is it the solution you need? I kinda had to realizse i could do a lot of things but drinking was not gonna be a solution to anything. I kicked and screamed and cryed about how this was BS that i couldnt drink but I eventually accepted it and moved on. I wont lie I still have my moments. the other day I told my wife maybe instead of all this healthy nonsense I should just get a meat lovers pizza and a bag of dope screw it!
It sounds like you got some anger and frustration an danxiety going on. I'm sure some of it is because you cant drink or you cant seemt o get any relief from lifes issues. You can try exercising clean diet getting some hobbies etc.. There may not be a magic bullet but all these things can help a bit to ease matters.
try and pick apart your issues some how much is alcohol related and how much is not. you said yourself you dont think its all alcohol related. try and pick it apart some and tackle each issue on its own as you can dont overwhelm yourself.
I described my mind as like a birds nest. it was a friggen mess up there when i got sober. I had to untangle that mess as best i could just not drinking was going to fix it. and i wont lie it stunk i wanted to scream at times!
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