What is wrong with me??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 6
What is wrong with me??
Hi all. I've posted here before, but never introduced myself - and this time, I need help.
I've been thinking about quitting drinking pretty much since I started - which was 5 years ago. Something must be very wrong with me, because apart from a few short periods of sobriety, I've never been able to quit for good. I'm in my early 30s, female.
Things have been out of control for a while. Yesterday, I made up my mind to quit for good - then went to see my parents (which is always a stressful experience and a strong trigger, and I should have known better as I was already feeling down and depressed before the visit), and, predictably, I drank. A lot.
I'm angry, really furious with myself. Why on earth can't I just stick with what I know is best for me? Why can't I make a decision and then follow through?
I feel so helpless and beyond hope. I just need someone to tell me this is not true.
I've been thinking about quitting drinking pretty much since I started - which was 5 years ago. Something must be very wrong with me, because apart from a few short periods of sobriety, I've never been able to quit for good. I'm in my early 30s, female.
Things have been out of control for a while. Yesterday, I made up my mind to quit for good - then went to see my parents (which is always a stressful experience and a strong trigger, and I should have known better as I was already feeling down and depressed before the visit), and, predictably, I drank. A lot.
I'm angry, really furious with myself. Why on earth can't I just stick with what I know is best for me? Why can't I make a decision and then follow through?
I feel so helpless and beyond hope. I just need someone to tell me this is not true.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by IrishLace 
I'm angry, really furious with myself. Why on earth can't I just stick with what I know is best for me? Why can't I make a decision and then follow through?
I feel so helpless and beyond hope. I just need someone to tell me this is not true.
I feel so helpless and beyond hope. I just need someone to tell me this is not true.
I'm in my early 30's too. But it really feels like one of those defining eras. I think that everybody has the innate ability to make those clear, functioning decisions. For me it's a matter of practice. A matter of nurturing that side of me. I don't. And then I get whiney when my lack of follow through brings me to the same miserable spot. Well, it seems like it's the same as playing a guitar. You can't make the decision to play one day and then expect the benefits to come without the hard work and dedication it takes. That's how I see it, at least. It's a nurturing process. Coax that portion of yourself into awakening again. Cause it's been hella unconscious on the bathroom floor for god knows how long.
Sorry. I'm a bit of a rambler. I wish you all the best, and hope that you find the solace you're seeking
.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by TheSereneTheif
I'm in my early 30's too. But it really feels like one of those defining eras.
I think that everybody has the innate ability to make those clear, functioning decisions. For me it's a matter of practice. A matter of nurturing that side of me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by IrishLace
I know I make strong and weak decisions. In the past, some of my decisions have been strong enough to keep my sober for a while. But I feel scared that I've lost that power, that I'll never beat this habit. 
An old counsellor once was fond of saying that we find whatever it is that we look for. If we seek out the misery in life, then that's what we will find. If we seek out the positive, then that's what we will find.
I dunno. This my second serious kick at the can, so I don't know how helpful I can be. But I can spread some positivity and encouragement for sure
. You're going to surprise yourself at how much you're capable of handling.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi IL - I'm a teacher as well. Summer Term is a killer, and if you've got family / home stuff going on as well it is going to be a struggle. There is no need to try to do it all alone you know. Alcoholic will power is a dodgy thing to rely on after all.
I have now been sober 15 months. It hasn't all been plain sailing and I did need some outside support to get me through it. On my personal journey that has involved a Counsellor (referral through school well-being scheme by my school head after the doctor was, quite frankly, completely useless). That helped a bit. But the main thing that has got me through has been AA. It has helped me gain a good insight into my problem, and also given me a fantastic support network. This site has also been a brilliant support and full of information.
Two books that I'd recommend to you (as I do to everyone, because they were so helpful to me) are Living Sober and Monkey on My Shoulder. Both available from Amazon (paper or kindle / Cloud Reader versions available).
You'll find a wealth of info; ideas; and personal experiences shared on here. Most useful may be the ideas for making a sobriety plan.
Keep posting and let us know how you're getting on - especially when things AREN'T going well. That's when the support from people here is most valuable.
Take care. x
I have now been sober 15 months. It hasn't all been plain sailing and I did need some outside support to get me through it. On my personal journey that has involved a Counsellor (referral through school well-being scheme by my school head after the doctor was, quite frankly, completely useless). That helped a bit. But the main thing that has got me through has been AA. It has helped me gain a good insight into my problem, and also given me a fantastic support network. This site has also been a brilliant support and full of information.
Two books that I'd recommend to you (as I do to everyone, because they were so helpful to me) are Living Sober and Monkey on My Shoulder. Both available from Amazon (paper or kindle / Cloud Reader versions available).
You'll find a wealth of info; ideas; and personal experiences shared on here. Most useful may be the ideas for making a sobriety plan.
Keep posting and let us know how you're getting on - especially when things AREN'T going well. That's when the support from people here is most valuable.
Take care. x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 6
Thank you, Beccybean. I will keep trying - because I don't really have another option, do I?
I have a recovery plan of sorts - I know what worked before, it's the committment and taking action part that I'm struggling with. But again, I don't have a choice, I have to keep trying.
Many thanks for all the support.
I have a recovery plan of sorts - I know what worked before, it's the committment and taking action part that I'm struggling with.
But again, I don't have a choice, I have to keep trying. Many thanks for all the support.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,358
Hi Irish Lace
it used to befuddle me too - it was so illogical to keep drinking, yet I did.
I think you get to a point where you're more and more prepared to do whatever it takes to stay sober - I certainly reached that point.
The support here really helped me - I know it will help you too.
why not commit to posting regularly?
D
it used to befuddle me too - it was so illogical to keep drinking, yet I did.
I think you get to a point where you're more and more prepared to do whatever it takes to stay sober - I certainly reached that point.
The support here really helped me - I know it will help you too.
why not commit to posting regularly?
D
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by TheSereneTheif
I've been struggling with this a lot lately, too. That strange part of your mind that goes against all better sense and abandons all reason just for one more. One more.
That part of my brain cannot be reasoned with. It cannot be educated. It cannot be bargained with, or shamed, or intimidated, or (above all) trusted.
It must be starved.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
By far the most difficult thing I have had to deal with on my road to recovery is fully comprehending that part of my brain is betraying me. It is addicted to alcohol, and I literally cannot believe everything I think.
DENIAL (Don't Even Notice I Am Lying)
Love the fact my sponsor can help me through tricky times with this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
This dis-ease we have effects us in different manners at times, it seems to want to tell us we don’t have a problem just a minor situations that alcohol can help with, after all it did at times in the past.
I’m not bragging but I’ve been around for a lot of years and hopefully learned a few things about combating this disease. A key word we need to employ is ACTION because this malady is not going away by itself unless we help remove it by being honest with ourself about our drinking and accepting that we can no longer drink one day at a time in a row IN SAFETY.
Next is the desire to stop drinking must be our #1 priority, that means FIRST! If we continue to drink the things we hold dear evaporate like employment, family, finances, self respect, our goals in life, and our self respect are lost dreams. We’ll forget the effect on our children.
This recovery process is simple yet far from easy in some cases and the work to achieve it is very rewarding during our and observing recovery in others. Once into it we find it’s ongoing and sometimes not too easy, depending on the individual.
Those with a higher IQ don’t necessarily get it quicker or ever than those with a lower IQ. Many times our ego defeats us in our logic.
BE WELL
This dis-ease we have effects us in different manners at times, it seems to want to tell us we don’t have a problem just a minor situations that alcohol can help with, after all it did at times in the past.
I’m not bragging but I’ve been around for a lot of years and hopefully learned a few things about combating this disease. A key word we need to employ is ACTION because this malady is not going away by itself unless we help remove it by being honest with ourself about our drinking and accepting that we can no longer drink one day at a time in a row IN SAFETY.
Next is the desire to stop drinking must be our #1 priority, that means FIRST! If we continue to drink the things we hold dear evaporate like employment, family, finances, self respect, our goals in life, and our self respect are lost dreams. We’ll forget the effect on our children.
This recovery process is simple yet far from easy in some cases and the work to achieve it is very rewarding during our and observing recovery in others. Once into it we find it’s ongoing and sometimes not too easy, depending on the individual.
Those with a higher IQ don’t necessarily get it quicker or ever than those with a lower IQ. Many times our ego defeats us in our logic.
BE WELL
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
IrishLace, I'm glad you are committed to recovery. There is no logic in alcoholism and, on top of that, denial is a big part of addiction, so it's not surprising that stopping is difficult. But, you can do it and we're here to help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,914
Welcome! Glad you're here and you have a plan.
It sounds like you know where you've faltered before and what you need to do this time to make sure it sticks. Definitely lean on SR when you need to. This place has been a godsend for me, especially in those first few weeks.
It sounds like you know where you've faltered before and what you need to do this time to make sure it sticks. Definitely lean on SR when you need to. This place has been a godsend for me, especially in those first few weeks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome back IrishLace!!
For me great intentions and willpower never got me far, I was addicted to alcohol and the addiction would eventually in isolation convince me of many reasons why I could drink again.
Instead I needed daily support, mixed with changing up my routines, build new habits, make decisions about the activities I now got involved in and the people I hung out with.
You can do this!!
For me great intentions and willpower never got me far, I was addicted to alcohol and the addiction would eventually in isolation convince me of many reasons why I could drink again.
Instead I needed daily support, mixed with changing up my routines, build new habits, make decisions about the activities I now got involved in and the people I hung out with.
You can do this!!
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