Cant sleep, won't sleep
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Back to this again...
Ok so. I have been reluctant to talk about this situation as it's the only support that I have, and of course- I am grateful for that much (I think?)
BUT. I get this impending sense of doom and dread sometimes when this person is about to get home. Pretty much all the time, except some days I can rise above it and other days I can't and have to literally barricade myself in the room here (the door doesn't close properly so I have to put all manner of objects up against it, because she has a trick whereby she opens a series of windows and by pulling the bathroom door mine pops open then). It's the same feeling I used to get with my father but not quite as profound because man, he was scary at times.
So what's the deal here. Its not her, its me right? Or something, I dunno. Well anyway I haven't carried out the list of demands and chores she gave me other night again but guess what? There is a very specific reason for that. I was doing everything to keep her happy for a while (she is a filthy animal. I prefer not to be. But if it slides it slides) like keeping the place tidy and cooking regularly etc. But I noticed something then. The more I did around here, the more she would keep expecting from me and demanding further until it was completely encroaching on me personally, my personal space and headspace etc.
Now I just leave the same bones of contention out all the time. So that if she get's frustrated by them, that's fine but I won't. I leave some laundry in the bathroom. I leave my bedroom in an absolute state (she can't keep her nose out any chance she gets) and some of my old clothes untidy in the spare room. So that when she is wracking her brain for something to nitpick about (there always has be something with her I have learned, just for the sake of dominance seemingly), that these are the things that always come up. And they don't affect me on a personal or emotional level, therefore I am delivered. Kinda smart, right? Silly F'n nonsense though and a waste of my creative energy having to outwit her always in this way, but for me it is a survival strategy...
BUT. I get this impending sense of doom and dread sometimes when this person is about to get home. Pretty much all the time, except some days I can rise above it and other days I can't and have to literally barricade myself in the room here (the door doesn't close properly so I have to put all manner of objects up against it, because she has a trick whereby she opens a series of windows and by pulling the bathroom door mine pops open then). It's the same feeling I used to get with my father but not quite as profound because man, he was scary at times.
So what's the deal here. Its not her, its me right? Or something, I dunno. Well anyway I haven't carried out the list of demands and chores she gave me other night again but guess what? There is a very specific reason for that. I was doing everything to keep her happy for a while (she is a filthy animal. I prefer not to be. But if it slides it slides) like keeping the place tidy and cooking regularly etc. But I noticed something then. The more I did around here, the more she would keep expecting from me and demanding further until it was completely encroaching on me personally, my personal space and headspace etc.
Now I just leave the same bones of contention out all the time. So that if she get's frustrated by them, that's fine but I won't. I leave some laundry in the bathroom. I leave my bedroom in an absolute state (she can't keep her nose out any chance she gets) and some of my old clothes untidy in the spare room. So that when she is wracking her brain for something to nitpick about (there always has be something with her I have learned, just for the sake of dominance seemingly), that these are the things that always come up. And they don't affect me on a personal or emotional level, therefore I am delivered. Kinda smart, right? Silly F'n nonsense though and a waste of my creative energy having to outwit her always in this way, but for me it is a survival strategy...
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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I hear you. I out wit my bf all the time! He picked only his dirty cloths out of the laundry and then washed and dried them.... picked out only what he needed from the dryer and left the rest in there for me one too many times. Now I refuse to ever do his laundry ever again. If an article of his gets mistakenly washed by me I throw it on the floor with the rest of his cloths that he keeps in the corner..... he now lives in an eternal state of scratch and sniff because he acted like a lazy ahole.
I also now hide some of his things which he refuses to put away. If he doesn't like where I put it then he should learn to put it where he wants it go.... On the floor or on the kitchen table doesn't count.
When he refuses to do simple things like wash the dishes because he doesn't have any "time"..... he's always running out of "time" even though he has an infinite amount of time for video games and napping and ******. When he won't help and he's working late I feed his dinner to the dog. Everyday I used to wrap him up a nice plate of dinner but I got sick of coming home from work to find that he hadn't done a damn thing to help out..... so screw him he can make his own dinner too.
Can't say any of this makes me happy. Honestly it's ridiculous. But I'm not going to be his maid or his mother or his door mat.
I also now hide some of his things which he refuses to put away. If he doesn't like where I put it then he should learn to put it where he wants it go.... On the floor or on the kitchen table doesn't count.
When he refuses to do simple things like wash the dishes because he doesn't have any "time"..... he's always running out of "time" even though he has an infinite amount of time for video games and napping and ******. When he won't help and he's working late I feed his dinner to the dog. Everyday I used to wrap him up a nice plate of dinner but I got sick of coming home from work to find that he hadn't done a damn thing to help out..... so screw him he can make his own dinner too.
Can't say any of this makes me happy. Honestly it's ridiculous. But I'm not going to be his maid or his mother or his door mat.
Last edited by Dee74; 06-30-2015 at 03:51 PM.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I would go back to doing everyone's laundry at the same time if he even once did everyone else's while he did his.... but he doesn't.
I would go back to making him a nice dinner for when he got back from work late if even once I came home and he'd made the house nice for me instead of leaving it a wreck.... but he hasn't.
I would go back to making him a nice dinner for when he got back from work late if even once I came home and he'd made the house nice for me instead of leaving it a wreck.... but he hasn't.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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******? Lol. Yeah I had one today for the first time in months, it was a bit disappointing. I need that energy in me. I'm still never taking to my ex again anyway 
That's a bit different though Zen. You are talking about issues around co-operation. This is a lot different. This biddy here could say the same (issues around co-operation) but it extends way further than that. She barely knows the words, and she certaintly doesn't know the music maan…
Co-dependence. When I was doing things for her, I realized even though I barely knew what it meant myself was that she was absolutely doing to her best to become codependent on me. I didn't even want be thinking about this, I was going through an absolute hell on my own but it was so prevailant that I had to start thinking about it. I just lay in bed for 6months (holding my breath) to not let it happen ,even though I didn't know what it was. She was doing all this stuff to make me get up at her times: the air vaacum trick I mentioned in the previous post (so F'n annoying, me lying here holding my breath with my heart shattered in pieces). Leaving the tumble drier spinning for hours downstairs below me with nothing in it, basically to annoy me or get me up, whichever way you want to look at it. Slamming doors below me, the house would literally shake. Stomping around in the spare room next door where the walls would be shaking. Stepping really hard on my door sill here to creak it, you can't even step on it by accident. In and out of the toilet right behind this paper thin wall in front of me every ten minutes flushing it. She still does some of this. If I'm in my room here, she will be in and out of the bathroom with no movements. Because I can hear everything, just as she can. She will sit there for 5 minutes, do no number 1 or 2 because I can hear those (ugh) but just listening to gain an idea of what I'm doing. Which is nothing! I aint doing anything like, wtf.
Then she will flush the toilet, stomp around outside the door, mooch back downstair stomping about a bit then rinse and repeat. It doesn't matter if I am on the computer here or just lying in bed wanting the ground to open up as I was for most of the time. Also she used to just bust into my room here whenever she felt like it for the first 18months, several times a day and me lying in bed absolutely I dunno miserable. I had to explain it to her many times over, give her many examples, do excercises with her about counting the times I do that to her (none obviously). That this was totally unnaccptable and abnormal behavior to subject anyone to, with the clincher seemingly being that my father was the same (that seems to work on her which he was mind you. He would bust in an destroy everything. My furniture I bought, my decks, my decor- just rip down all my posters etc. And for no reason other than he was angry). She though about this for a while obviously and has stopped doing it since, although she was talking through the door to me then for a while constantly but I just held my breath and began to ignore her after a while because its the only way she would give up. Just nonsense crap man, she never had anything pragmatic to say.
So back to my point. I was thinking WTF is all this about? And me going through the roller coaster of early sobriety, all the insomnia etc and none of it was affecting her at all. If I was listening to music it was in headphones and so on. It was about co-dependency. Obviously she was thinking to herself 'gee, imagine if he was up at this time making me breakfast and we could go for a walk on the beach and then go to a restaurant, imagine how I would feel' WTF? So I resolved then that anything she asked me, did I want to go here or there with her etc that my answer was a no. She has given up on the codie thing now, she's even said it a few times : 'I give up on you, you are impossible'. What she was talking about, even though she doesn't know it herself, was that she has given up on trying to become codie on me. Straight up man. An awful amount of energy and enforced misery I had to spend to make that much happen, believe me. What she hasn't given up on though is the domineering, bossy and controlling behavior (plan B yeah?) which I was talking about in my last post.
Whaddaya think about all that? F'n madness isn't it. And if anyone is thinking hey well, its her house buddy and your all up in her life (as she tries to say) that isn't true at all. Its her house obviously, but it was empty for years here and nobody would even rent it really cheap because its disgusting. She was living with the father, anyone from her work that was doing a short course down here she would let them stay, just give them the keys. Because it was empty. But she arrived to the homeless shelter and asked me did I want to stay here (I didn't but I could really say no could I?) and hasn't left since! And tries to play this suffering motherly type role, whereas I just try to stay out of her way. The only thing we have in common here is a bad relationship with my mother. Something she takes delight in and makes inappropriate comments about, particularly when it was still raw for me and it was something I had to call her out on. What I just said there is the exact reason that I didn't want to end up here. How could it be healthy, I was grieving intensely about that and here is a person who is going to take absolute delight in the fact and be fanning the flames of it. I knew this before it even happened. I had to fold on it the xmas before last because it was either that or sleep rough, and I have slept rough plenty times when I was a younger or just not at all mostly in those situations, it was cold out and I was exhausted as I hadn't been sleeping at all and on the go everyday (and drinking), I just wasn't up to it man (the rough sleeping).
There you are now. I'm not even complaining I'm just telling it like it is. Also, I have felt terribly guilty most of the time here because of depriving the father of the only company he would have had which was her, she just dropped him like a hot cake because I am obviously easier to be controlling and bossing for her, which I aint even. Anyway, I have come to the conclusion the past while that they deserve each other and that is something I told her the other night. Help me Lord!
That's a bit different though Zen. You are talking about issues around co-operation. This is a lot different. This biddy here could say the same (issues around co-operation) but it extends way further than that. She barely knows the words, and she certaintly doesn't know the music maan…
Co-dependence. When I was doing things for her, I realized even though I barely knew what it meant myself was that she was absolutely doing to her best to become codependent on me. I didn't even want be thinking about this, I was going through an absolute hell on my own but it was so prevailant that I had to start thinking about it. I just lay in bed for 6months (holding my breath) to not let it happen ,even though I didn't know what it was. She was doing all this stuff to make me get up at her times: the air vaacum trick I mentioned in the previous post (so F'n annoying, me lying here holding my breath with my heart shattered in pieces). Leaving the tumble drier spinning for hours downstairs below me with nothing in it, basically to annoy me or get me up, whichever way you want to look at it. Slamming doors below me, the house would literally shake. Stomping around in the spare room next door where the walls would be shaking. Stepping really hard on my door sill here to creak it, you can't even step on it by accident. In and out of the toilet right behind this paper thin wall in front of me every ten minutes flushing it. She still does some of this. If I'm in my room here, she will be in and out of the bathroom with no movements. Because I can hear everything, just as she can. She will sit there for 5 minutes, do no number 1 or 2 because I can hear those (ugh) but just listening to gain an idea of what I'm doing. Which is nothing! I aint doing anything like, wtf.
Then she will flush the toilet, stomp around outside the door, mooch back downstair stomping about a bit then rinse and repeat. It doesn't matter if I am on the computer here or just lying in bed wanting the ground to open up as I was for most of the time. Also she used to just bust into my room here whenever she felt like it for the first 18months, several times a day and me lying in bed absolutely I dunno miserable. I had to explain it to her many times over, give her many examples, do excercises with her about counting the times I do that to her (none obviously). That this was totally unnaccptable and abnormal behavior to subject anyone to, with the clincher seemingly being that my father was the same (that seems to work on her which he was mind you. He would bust in an destroy everything. My furniture I bought, my decks, my decor- just rip down all my posters etc. And for no reason other than he was angry). She though about this for a while obviously and has stopped doing it since, although she was talking through the door to me then for a while constantly but I just held my breath and began to ignore her after a while because its the only way she would give up. Just nonsense crap man, she never had anything pragmatic to say.
So back to my point. I was thinking WTF is all this about? And me going through the roller coaster of early sobriety, all the insomnia etc and none of it was affecting her at all. If I was listening to music it was in headphones and so on. It was about co-dependency. Obviously she was thinking to herself 'gee, imagine if he was up at this time making me breakfast and we could go for a walk on the beach and then go to a restaurant, imagine how I would feel' WTF? So I resolved then that anything she asked me, did I want to go here or there with her etc that my answer was a no. She has given up on the codie thing now, she's even said it a few times : 'I give up on you, you are impossible'. What she was talking about, even though she doesn't know it herself, was that she has given up on trying to become codie on me. Straight up man. An awful amount of energy and enforced misery I had to spend to make that much happen, believe me. What she hasn't given up on though is the domineering, bossy and controlling behavior (plan B yeah?) which I was talking about in my last post.
Whaddaya think about all that? F'n madness isn't it. And if anyone is thinking hey well, its her house buddy and your all up in her life (as she tries to say) that isn't true at all. Its her house obviously, but it was empty for years here and nobody would even rent it really cheap because its disgusting. She was living with the father, anyone from her work that was doing a short course down here she would let them stay, just give them the keys. Because it was empty. But she arrived to the homeless shelter and asked me did I want to stay here (I didn't but I could really say no could I?) and hasn't left since! And tries to play this suffering motherly type role, whereas I just try to stay out of her way. The only thing we have in common here is a bad relationship with my mother. Something she takes delight in and makes inappropriate comments about, particularly when it was still raw for me and it was something I had to call her out on. What I just said there is the exact reason that I didn't want to end up here. How could it be healthy, I was grieving intensely about that and here is a person who is going to take absolute delight in the fact and be fanning the flames of it. I knew this before it even happened. I had to fold on it the xmas before last because it was either that or sleep rough, and I have slept rough plenty times when I was a younger or just not at all mostly in those situations, it was cold out and I was exhausted as I hadn't been sleeping at all and on the go everyday (and drinking), I just wasn't up to it man (the rough sleeping).
There you are now. I'm not even complaining I'm just telling it like it is. Also, I have felt terribly guilty most of the time here because of depriving the father of the only company he would have had which was her, she just dropped him like a hot cake because I am obviously easier to be controlling and bossing for her, which I aint even. Anyway, I have come to the conclusion the past while that they deserve each other and that is something I told her the other night. Help me Lord!
Last edited by Dee74; 06-30-2015 at 03:51 PM.
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Question Part
Lol. There's a lot to take in with the above post but it is all true anyway.
What I did want to say earlier about the 'survival strategy' I mentioned.
What do people think of that? Good idea, sly, smart, brilliant, unfair etc?
What I did want to say earlier about the 'survival strategy' I mentioned.
What do people think of that? Good idea, sly, smart, brilliant, unfair etc?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
So… Didn't sleep for a few days there.
Got into bed this evening and was sure I would be in it until the morning.
In walks the other person here 3 hours later "are you there" just to wake me up
Here we F'n go again.
Got into bed this evening and was sure I would be in it until the morning.
In walks the other person here 3 hours later "are you there" just to wake me up
Here we F'n go again.
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