Getting So Scary
 

Hi, I'm not new here, been on and off for years. I keep thinking I can handle my drinking and it will all get better but it doesn't.

Last night was a bad, bad night. I have been sober for weeks, and then I get this idea that I want to drink and let loose a bit. Just a little. It morphs into devastation. I drank A LOT and ended up going to a local dive bar by myself. I drank even more and hooked up with a guy 20 years younger than me, took him to my house. How stupid can I be??? I feel like such a loser. I just don't know how to proceed. I have two lives, two personalities, I cannot reconcile them. I feel so so so bad....

Welcome back GraceHolly!! :)

For me the day I permanently parted ways with alcohol things starting looking up, no more trying to control my drinking, trying to moderate, I needed to draw a line in the sand and say no more, alcohol was doing me no favours and only causing me misery, so why was I still giving it a place in my life? if it had been a person in my life I would have said goodbye a long time ago!!

A new day... don't beat yourself up too much. Now you know that you can't moderate. So, like PK says, draw a line in the sand and say no more. You risked your life last night. That would be my wakeup call.

Indeed I risked my life. I keep telling myself one of these times will end up very very badly. I just never know which time or how very badly it will be. So, it must stop completely.

I know I can do this. I cannot risk it all anymore.

Welcome back! Use last night as motivation for staying sober. Maybe write down how you're feeling right now and next time you feel like drinking read that instead.

We don't get better, only worse.

I know I can't moderate, I tried for many years. I can do it sometimes, but not all the time, and bad decisions about all kinds of things follow.

I hope you can find a way out. The loneliness and self-loathing go away once sobriety gets a firm stronghold.

Hi Grace and Welcome!

You're right. Your behaviour was extremely risky, but it doesn't have to happen again. You are not a bad person, you're an alcoholic. And, you have the opportunity to change your life.

Thanks everyone, I want peace. I want a wholesome, good life, not what I've been living. Nearly every single bad event in my life has had to do with alcohol. Every one of them. Shocking, really, to list them out and trace each back to booze....

Grace,
You are not alone and I understand how you're feeling. When I was drinking, I did some things I'm not particularly proud of. I couldn't moderate no matter how much I tried. Just know that you never have to feel this way again.

Hi GraceHolly, I can relate to your experiences when I used to drink.

Our inhibitions and everything are gone out the window, make a fool of ourselves, regrets, etc etc etc.

And the thing is, we really thought we could get a handle on our drinking but instead we wake up with massive regrets.

I really tried to cut down, probably like everyone else, but found I had to abstain completely , I couldn't drink like others do , one or two now and again.

I wondered how I never got hurt, except for the bruises, fractured leg and ankles, bruised shoulders and so on, losing stuff also, money , coats, cardigans.

Thankfully that's been behind me a while now and you too can stop and take control of your life. This site has been a great help also, a lifeline, night and day. Use it, it drags you back from the edge.

Grace,

You are not bad, and you are not alone.

I'm sure everyone here came here in some state or desperation or remorse - I certainly did.

I cannot moderate my drinking either, and I have no idea or control over when the next bender will come or where it will take me. It has taken me 30 years to face up to this.

There are good, caring, non-judgmental people here who will help you.

Go well.

I feel your pain Grace. I've done things that still make me shudder in horror. I'm doing ok at the moment, it's longest time I've ever had sober.

We both know that if it wasn't for the drink we wouldn't do the dumb things we've done.

Take this as a life lesson Grace and never forget it. Things like this that make you shudder and put our lives at risk, can be the very things that save our lives long term.

I'm with you in spirit sister.

Good Luck

Hi GraceHolly, your post was me a year ago. I'm so happy the worry of risky behavior isn't mine anymore. It's your turn now. I know you can!

Grace - I agree with the don't beat yourself up idea. What's done is done. I watch a lot of Crime ID/Forensic Files tho and boy, don't do that again. Your life is at risk. I've done a lot of dumb things drunk but promiscuity surprisingly was not one of them. I do think back on a couple times when a guy took advantage of me in more or less a passed out state. I wish we could flip screens so I could see your posts again. Can't remember all that has been said! Take care.

Olivia

Grace. You can reconcile your two lives. "Reconcile", corporate executive (or such ). An accountant maybe?

Your posts are bringing up so many memories for me.

Fifteen or so years ago I went to LaGuardia (or Newark I guess) on business. I heard the big boss saying he couldn't go at the last minute. So....I went to happy hour with an Egyptian engineer friend of mine. Off to plane around 8 pm Wide body big plane. I'm sitting there enjoying my reading and a guy comes over. On his way to his wedding or bachelor party I can't remember which. Asks me if I want to party. Next thing u know we are in the john doing a white powder. I really never do/did drugs. I landed and somehow found where I was going. I'm just saying this cause you really have to be careful out there. So glad this younger man didn't do anything to me. Hope your guy doesn't come knocking on your door and if he does, he's not a weirdo. Most aren't weirdos but they are out there. Again, don't beat yourself up. I really never beat myself up (I don't think) over my actions. Lots of actions are worse than what u did!

Olivia

All afternoon I've been soul searching, examining my behavior and thinking about how I can do something different starting immediately! The very cool thing is how quickly I can change my life and my health by simply not taking the next drink. It will clear out of my body relatively quickly and I never have to suffer this pain and humiliation again. Ever. So my huge life-changing goal of being a non-drinker is already a reality. Yay.

Forgiving myself.

Thanks to all your lovely comments and support. So thankful you all took the time.

Hi GraceHolly - I'm so glad you came back to talk things over.

I was in the same situation when I found SR. I was so sure I could use willpower to control myself, but things were getting worse each time I picked up. My behavior was reckless and dangerous. I had to admit my personality was changed drastically each & every time I drank. I spent years trying to drink more cautiously - to no avail. In the end, it was so much easier to just stop and get free of it. No more anxiety, drama, remorse. You can do it - there is no doubt. :)

Pretty normal to feel the way you did this morning. You've pinpointed the issue and know how to proceed. Its executing the plan and taking action that's the damn hard part. You can do it, and when you do, you will have reconciled your two different lives, correct? I wish you the best.

Awesome advice here already so I'll just say welcome back GH :)

D

Now having a little time since Fri night's nightmare, I am feeling stronger and seeing the possibilities in front of me. I'm physically feeling better. I've been working on my plan (if I've learned anything, it's that I must have a plan!), writing it out and figuring out how to ensure I follow through.

I am an isolator and very fearful of interaction, but I am committed to overcoming that aspect of myself in order to stop this addiction.

I am taking everyone's advice to heart xoxox.