Littlebear

Hello everyone. My title says how I am feeling. I have no control over drinking. I relapsed a few weeks ago in a very small way, and just like you all say I have watched it get progressively more frequent. So, for about two weeks I have been drinking at least a glass of wine most nights. And i have had a few nights where i have 2/3. Just enough to put me 'under'. I am aware of what I am doing. But no matter how much each day I cry about it, I just seem to be unable to stop.

I feel very scared. When I joined this sit, I didn't know if I was an alcoholic or not. I suppose I felt I wasn't really. On my first attempt i managed about 70+ days sober - after 30+ years drinking. But then relapsed. I am scared because the time sober showed me a lot both good and bad. After the awful time of being quite I'll and feeling terrible I started to feel the benefits you all talk about. But I also couldn't bear my life. I felt the full impact of my existence...which I couldnt and can't bear. So I know that's why I have started to just take enough to just numb myself again.

Facts are I am completely alone in my world. Not of only of my making. I am not saying this in a pity me way. It's simply a terrible fact. There is no one holds me in their minds eye, no one wondering where I am or how I am. I have said it before but it remains tru - no family, no kids, no partner since 5 months ago and the thought of another turns my stomach).

I left a job this week I have been in for 6 years (gave 3 months notice) and just faked illness to get out of my own leaving do - because of the alcohol possible flow ( which I don't regret and glad I am out of it)... But a work colleague who I have only known 2 months wrote to me and said he was real sorry not to see me any more...says I am the most interesting person he has ever met...not 'one of' but 'the'... This made me angry and tearful. I am NOT interesting otherwise I would NOT be on my own. I would have a family who had cared....I would not be an alcoholic.

I am sick. Tired. Scared. Alone.

My therapist doesnt help much. I like her, she cares about me I know. But I can tell doesn't really understand addiction. Yes, I am looking for another.

I am so sorry this is a long rambling post. I can't help it. I have been reading here for weeks wanting to plunge back in but just couldn't. I have also started to visit some AA meetings blooming miles away from where I live in hope I could settle there...but nothing hopeful so far.

I feel completely defeated. Alcohol is winning in my case. I feel too old to sort it. There isn't anyone to help. I have been continuously depressed. And feel I have lost all,of my life to it.

I say it again. No one would guess looking at me that I have been drinking all my adult life. I hold good jobs, got myself off the streets of Glasgow, got an education, live in a beautiful part of the country, have a lovely small but lovely home...but I feel I just want to stop living. Alcohol has defeated me. There just feels nothing to stop for. No one to stop for. I can't even keep going with any relations on this site. That's my norm. I am not going to read back this post, as I will only edit.

I am asking for help. While knowing I don't know if I can follow though. The sun is shining here through my window. It's the start of a new day. But I wish it would all just go away. I am not hung over. Just defeated with it all. I hope very much this post doesn't make too many feel sadder about them selves. That's the dilemma in posting here for me

Dee74

I can tell you I wondered where you were, and I'm sure I'm not the only one here

The biggest lie that addiction tries to sell you is that no one cares and you have nothing to get well for anyway.

You do tho - there's noone else on earth quite like you on earth and your life
is precious.

what you choose to do with your life is of paramount importance.

Never give up hope because I believe there is always hope

Make change if you want change - go that little bit further in what you';re prepared to do or what you're prepared to change.

Keep doing that and you'll move forward

Put everything you have into your recovery - you're a great investment, littlebear

D

chickippo

just hold on. that's all. just hang on tight and it's going to be ok. it's hard work but you can do it and you're worth it so just. hold. on.

Carlotta

Why don't you join you on our week end thread? Chit chatting with us will make you feel less alone and less isolated and we can talk you through when the cravings hit (that is you have to post before you pick up)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5440974
I know you can do it and I believe in you LittleBear so don't give up on yourself

Littlebear

Thank you. I will come back soon

site1Q84

It sounds to me like the work colleague you mentioned cares about you, otherwise they wouldn't have taken the time to write you. You may not have kids, a partner or family, but that doesn't mean you're on your own. You can't choose the people who care about you, but that doesn't mean they're not out there. I'm sure there are lots of people on this forum who care as well. If I didn't care I wouldn't take the time to read your posts and reply!

I hope you're feeling better soon!

Saskia

Littlebear, some good thoughts posted here! We usually can't change our lives in an instant but we can change over time. Take it all one day at a time. Staying sober can only help with dealing with your life. Alcohol makes it easier for us to isolate. We care.

Calicofish

Hi Littlebear:

You and I are very similar in many ways. When I left my marriage last year (28 years) I was in a tailspin and circling the drain. I drank heavily last year, to numb myself. Not only had I left my marriage, but I also moved (left behind most of my possessions, house, and cats). I moved with just a few personal possessions and my dogs (I could not bring my cats but don't worry they are well cared for). I moved over 3,000 kms. My first year was brutal and my depression was awful, but most of that was a direct cause of drinking.

I moved again to a new community and I am alone too. My family left and ironically moved almost to where I was last year. When I first came to this community, I was very lonely and did a lot of crying, but I finally put the bottle down forever in Feb. I made myself join in community activities and have started to make new friends. This did not happen over night - I had to make the effort. I could have stayed in my house and drank.

I started a journal last year and when I go back and read it, it is frightening. I was so sick (self induced too). I had little hope and thought life was not worth living. It was the damn alcohol. That stuff made me think those things. It clouds everything - EVERYTHING!

You saw the benefits of being sober. They are real. I urge you to try and find something else to fill your time other than drinking. Now that you are no longer working, you can take the time to work on yourself. Make this the Summer of Littlebear! Explore, travel, join something and learn a new skill.

You can do it.
CF

Littlebear

Thank you everyone for such lovely messages, and your support. I know you are all right...I just seem to be facing something I really can't manage. Staying sober.

Calico - you know I have been so impressed with what you have managed where you are in life now...and I am sorry I haven't been in more contact. I seem to unable to sustain contact well...too damaged I think in childhood but I try. Also I have only given up a bit of work - with the homelessness team in my nearby city...but jeez...I still work long hours elsewhere between teaching, working in medical practices and running a private business. Time is something I don't have a lot of...except at night...then of course I return to my hopeless existence. Don't get me wrong, I do manage a lot of the time on my own quite well...but I am tired of it. Tired. Lonely - I think chronically so. And just hopeless.

I think I need some of you to feel hopeful for me right now. And, cant believe I just said that. I am determined to keep my editing finger away from this right now.

Again thank you for the time those writing and reading are spending here

site1Q84

Littlebear, asking for help is a huge step. I'm usually on my own as well, but this disease has forced me to reach out and ask for help when I normally NEVER would. We really can't do this on our own, so I'm really glad you're here and being open!

Like someone mentioned above, you should jump in the weekend thread. Lots of fun conversations in there to pick up your mood. Sometimes it's easier to talk when it's not always so serious. It may help!

We're all hopeful for you. You know you have to go through dark times to appreciate the good ones.
Try not to think too far ahead. Just get through today and then you can worry about tomorrow.

ccam1973

Littlebear, we have faith in you. Asking for help is not a weakness... it is where you will find help, support and possibly comfort. That is what the SR community is based on.

We can help if you let us in.

Have faith in yourself... you deserve that much.

MIRecovery

AA addressed so many of the issues you are grappling with. In particular the friendship. I went from zeo friends and total isolation to more friends than I can count. AA gave me a reason to live and a path to a wonderful new life

Della1968

Hi I understand how you are feeling. I lost someone very close to me last year. You aren't alone please join us on the weekender thread!

melki

Littlebear, I care and often think about you! You are very interesting. Please don't stop yourself from writing and reaching out, whether in a public post or individual messages. Don't overthink, and don't overedit and get out of your head as much as you can.

I am very hopeful you will get there and find your peaceful happy place. I know you will, and I can't wait to be there to celebrate with you.

Volunteering is a good place to start getting out of your head. Not every volunteering is a right fit, but keep your mind and heart open to the things and causes you care about. The universe will send you signs and you will need to be focused outwards to listen. You have a lot to offer this world, and I'm sure you will see it. It also helps to have a physical activity routine, it makes a big difference on your emotional state. I worry about you quitting your job and being on your own all the time, but hope something better will turn up. You need a reason to get up in the morning and keep going, a basic reason like a job will do for now. Do you have a pet?

But you truly have to stop drinking altogether to move on with your life. It will only suck you in deeper and tell you more lies. I know the desire to numb the pain. But we will figure it out. I have faith in you and will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

ArtFriend

LittleBear - I feel badly for you. I have always enjoyed your postings and you seem like a very kind and gentle soul who has been in a lot of pain. I identify with you on many levels. I also overcame a nasty childhood, became professionally successful. And like you, I have no family or partner or children. It can certainly be a challenge to live this way, but I have learned that being happy with one's self can allay a lot of the pain. Maybe content is a better word. Sure, I would love to find another partner to share my life with...and that may be yet in the cards, for both of us. But until then, I have to remain content knowing that I matter in the grand scheme of things, as do you. Look inside of yourself for validation rather than outwardly. People will always disappoint, but if you have a solid core within, the pain of rejection from others can be mitigated. You said you pulled yourself off the streets of Glasgow as a kid. That tells me that you are a very strong capable person. Harness that strength now and use it to provide a framework for yourself.

Take care Littlebear.. if we lived closer I would invite you over for some coffee (or tea). You do seem like an interesting person.

GroundhogDay

^This. I think with six months' sobriety, the depression and brain fog will clear enough for you to feel more hopeful about your life and brave enough to make the changes you need to feel happier and more fulfilled.

I care about you and your welfare, as do so many other people here on SR.

FarToGo

You're making me want to find a group, I'm struggling with it though.
" The Zen of Recovery" is also opening my mind to AA too.
Sorry interrupting this important thread, I'll mail direct to you. hope that's ok.

FarToGo

So sorry you are struggling Littlebear, it all sounds incredibly hard on you right now. I've also been drinking for over 30 years, I'm not long enough sober to offer any real wisdom, just a hand stretched across the internet in compassion and hope for you.

xx

DefconOne

I try to look for something each day that inspires me from a simple flower to the smile of a little child. I'm a natural cynic and if I don't do this daily along with the serenity prayer, my mind drifts into negative thinking. This ultimately leads to heavy depressive drinking.

Hope2014

I'm so glad that you posted, I can relate to so much of what you said. I suffered from depression long before I met my enemy in wine, but the effects of drinking worsened the depression. I think that is a lot of what you are feeling now, just hopelessness. I get it, we all get it.
I know this isn't the easy or quick answer, but the only way to turn it around is to stop drinking. I have days too where everything is wrong and all I want is that escape, but then I think back to going through withdrawal, sleepless nights, panic attacks, anxiety , the fear of what I did or said while on auto pilot and greater depression. I'm only 1 month in, but I am beginning to have hope again and that's all I need right now to continue to move forward.
Please continue to post and share your journey. Use your coworkers comment as a platform to start believing in that wonderful person that you are. Write it out and post it to your fridge or mirror so you are forced to confront it every day and let it become a self fulfilling prophecy. Others believe in you, please find the strength to believe in yourself.