Littlebear

Again, thankyou to all you responding, and those taking time to post. I have been driving round for hours, stopping for coffee here and there, checking in here, getting back in the car, crying...no that doesnt cover it - bawling out loud in a real ugly way... It does work to check in here though, doesn't it? It helps some. I don't know how to do the copy thing with some of the posts I receive to comment individually - sorry. I will learn...i guess i don't know because I don't participate in forums - only this one. But here are some things i wanted to say in response to some questions asked by some of you...

Yes I have pets...2 cats. Have always been around animals. Always loved them and taken care of them. As i child i found safety in this, and it stayed with me. Once had 14 dogs. No dogs now because I don't have time to be around them. So after I parted with the last one, I said no more. Too painful to leave them.

Some here have misunderstood about me working. I gave up only a bit of my work this week. I still work full time long hours. And won't consider voluntary work as I have little time off really, and all my professional work in any case is fully focused on helping others improve/manage better or become well in themselves. I just had to get some time back so have given up my street homelessness work/connection after 6 years. This was the right thing to do.

I'll look in on the weekender forum that several of you mention, but I am pretty hopeless at chit chat. I know why I am. And know it can be healthy sometimes to do that...but still hopeless at it.

What I think I've always been good at is helping others including going with them to the places many can't travel (emotionally and psychologically) including many therapists. Quite good at creating stuff, spending lots of time on my own, and my love of all animals. Even though i feel a bit in crises here, I have also been able to manage my own well being not too badly given my start - from street homeless, to well educated, and I think maybe quite a nice human being (mostly). This without family, or much outside stability all my life, and a tortuous truely godforsaken childhood. It's been some move to get where I am.

But...I believe I am beat with the alchohol. there feels nothing here to keep me in companionship with the world. Not really. Not much atball. So I need to drink. Not much but some. But for too many years alcohol has been a constant. And I wish SO MUCH I could manage without it.

Maybe enough words for now?

Anna

Dee commented that the disease of alcoholism makes us believe that no one cares about us. I know for me, that was so true. Looking back with perspective I see that was not true. I suspect it's not true in your case either.

I truly hope that you can find some peace.

Soberwolf

^^^^^^^^^^^^

heartcore

I am very alone as well. I live in Alaska, where I moved - all alone & with just a few possessions - to work, during the recession (2009). Since I've lived here, I've made three large moves (to take different job opportunities). That means that once I did the work of joining things & making friends (hard work for an introvert!), I would promptly move away & have to start over. My children are adults. I was not in a relationship (although drunk I certainly initiated plenty of "pretend" intimacies in my loneliness). I have almost no original family (only child, both parents have died, they were not connected to their families of origin). So vastly & truly Alone (with a capital A on purpose).
What I've realized is that the mental health impacts of my drinking, which I began to fill that space in my life & my self, altered me more deeply than I realized! For all of my "good work in the world," it was me - with all my shame & fear & "fu*# it attitude to cover that shame & fear that was keeping me alone. I was afraid of intimacy! I was creating a life where I didn't take emotional risks. If I did get close to anyone, particularly in a romantic relationship, I was charming & amazing at first, until something "hurt my feelings" & then would either process it interminably with tears & self-pity, or would get angry & storm out of their life. Forever. No contact.

Huh. So, I was absolutely alone. But it was ME. Drunk. Invincible & devastated within the space of five minutes.

Not drinking for over 10 months now is starting to break open the crazy! I am growing, and becoming a less "sensitive" person. I'm allowing myself mistakes, apologizing, reaching out. I am awkward. It's ok. I'm even having a relationship, & when I got tearful & complex on the eighth day of an arduous adventure with him this week, I did not lash out or run away (just cried a lot & over shared, but hey, that's a big step!)...

So, my point is that sobriety is the necessary ingredient for me to be sane enough to SUSTAIN and support relationships. I was funny and connective as a drunk, until I went into isolation mode. I have abandoned beloved friends from one side of the world to the other, because connection is a fraught minefield for me if I am not sober.
What if sobriety was the pre-requisite to being less alone?

PurpleKnight

You can do this Littlebear!!

I went round in circles for a long time, but I finally made progress when I built daily support into my routine, made some tough decisions on where to go, activities to get involved in and who to hang with, I needed to revolutionise my lifestyle, and guess what? we ourselves, not anybody else can do that at any time, we have the power within us to make it happen!!

You can do this!!

Littlebear

Heartcore and purple knight and all of you...bless you for keeping with me. I tried so so hard tonight not to drink...but failed. I've had two glasses. I literally wandered round the house when i got home - pacing like an animal anxious about my inability not to start - drinking. I even sat and watched a DVD recommended on another thread by a dr about the cravings and how alcohol affects the brain. But even as I watched it, I knew I could feel the craving to have some wine.

I didn't feel quite like this when I stopped before. I don't know what's happening?

Heartcore. I appreciate very much your post. I am not drunk. I understood so much pf what you wrote. I recognised much of me in it. I am grateful but have numbed myself just a little. I have felt so completely alone today that I could scream the pain. It's rarely felt this bad. But I am actually in pain. Physical and mental.

Yes, I am covering up shame and fear. This feels odd for me to say because on the other hand all through my life I have been known as one who looks mild, calm, together...(and I often have been) but I can also strike out with the f**k it attitude you talk of Heartcore. That's why I chose my avatar as the little bear....they can look cute, fluffy and a bit purry...but get too close or threaten this little one, and he will have you. Learned in childhood and on the streets of Glasgow, and still I guess put into practice all through my life albeit in a more sophisticated form...but only used If I feel under threat. Although Heartcore some of your context seems different, I resonated with much you said and implied. I am sorry it has been like this for you. But thank you.

Thank all of you. I just feel lost at this time

thomas11

hi Littlebear, your ability to articulate your thoughts and feelings are amazing. In your OP, I felt like I was sitting at the kitchen table listening to you face to face (I'm not a weirdo). I understand that you are currently at a low point, a dark place in your life. And lonely, which is interesting as it sounds as if you are around people quite a bit daily. I have no words of wisdom, but please know that I offer my unconditional support for you in this difficult time. A much brighter future may very well be right around the corner.