JUK

Back on here again after a few weeks. After two months sober and two months not I decided to try again, starting on Tuesday. Felt positive, got rid of any left over alcohol, brushed myself off. This morning I was three days sober, but now it's all collapsed again

And the more I think the more I realise the reason is I just cannot live with the weight of shame I feel over what I've done. It feels unbearable. I realise more and more that alcohol just helps me hide from it all because facing what I've done in the cold light of sobriety is too much to bear.

I can't ever see that going away. I try to take strength from so many positive posts on here but I loathe myself too much for the positive to stick

Sorry - I know this probably sounds self pitying

Saskia

JUK, sometimes I think that acceptance is underrated. Most of us alcoholics feel such horrible shame and/or loathing. This is a disease. If you had appendicitis would you feel that kind of loathing?

If you can find a copy, you might want to consider watching the DVD "Pleasure Unwoven: a personal journey about addiction" by a medical doctor. This gave me a much better idea of how much more is now known about addiction. It changed some of my long-held shame.

Soberwolf

Have you got a plan ?

Jeremiah2911

I am a "frequent faller" right now and struggling with the same feelings. I am going to get that DVD. Thanks for that idea. Hang in there, JUK

biminiblue

Have you tried AA? The 12 Steps of AA are specifically structured to help let go of that.

You are no different from a lot of us who have embarrassing stories surrounding our drinking. Illegal things, and things that really hurt other people.

We are best at hurting ourselves, though.

I hope you find your way out.

Dee74

welcome back JUK

The good news is noones exempt from success here

if you find support (as much as you can) and use it (as much as you can) and make the changes in your life that you need to to say sober, you'll make it

This might be a good place to start?
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

doggonecarl

If drinking was the root cause of your shame, then it makes no sense to use alcohol to escape. You can't change the past, but you can keep from repeating it. Sober. Drinking only sets you for more shame. Dump it and start over.

thomas11

Adding to what Carl mentioned above, if alcohol is not the root cause of the shame you are feeling, I would suggest trying to do whatever you can to resolve that. Often times professional help is required...and it saves lives. I have a childhood friend that if it weren't for seeing a professional for his childhood trauma, he would be dead, sadly his younger brother did not seek help, and didn't make it. The childhood trauma thing is just one example, obviously it could apply to many different situations you've encountered earlier in your life. I wish you the very best.

JUK

Thanks for the replies and suggestions - thanks Saskia I will check out the DVD you mentioned

Alcohol is not the real root of the shame - it's not childhood stuff either - just my own bad choices in life - my own pathetic attempt to deal with stuff

Verte

Hey JUK,

Sobriety has given me the chance to do things differently. Respond to things differently. It is actually great because intstead of getting blasted and risking every thing in my life, I just figure out how to approach whatever the situation may be. Then eventually time passes, situation passes. And life goes on. No histrionics or dramatic entrances and exits. Well, fewer.

Keep at it. Is the burning feeling serving a purpose?

CaseyW

Welcome back JUK. First step for me to ridding myself of that shame and embarrassment and resentment was to not cause myself anymore of those feelings in my present life by doing the next right thing to the best of my ability in all aspects of my life. Quitting drinking was an important part of that process. Drinking does nothing to solve those issues and will usually make them worse.

Some of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are specifically designed to address your concerns exactly. Maybe give AA a try?

site1Q84

I ended up finding this forum because I was googling something like "What's the worst thing you've done while drinking" to find stories to make myself feel better.

Whether it comes from things you do drunk or sober, it's never going to get better unless you actually work through those feelings and forgive yourself.

JUK

That's the problem though - I don't think I can ever forgive myself. Ten years of getting drunk, ten years of lieing and cheating. On the surface I have a decent life but underneath I'm nothing more than a lieing piece of scum. Actually one down from scum to be honest

site1Q84

Well you'll never know if you don't get some good sober time under your belt and really try. It doesn't sound like you really feel any better when you're drinking, so why not try the sober route for a while?

biminiblue

You can come to terms and live peacefully with your past.

It takes time, self-reflection, maybe a little amends, humility, and most importantly, sobriety. Without sobriety, none of the other stuff can happen.

Nonsensical

This is a common trait in human thinking. When a feeling is immediate and intense we tend to believe it will never change.

It always does.

Of course, drinking a depressant to feel better doesn't make much sense. I was caught up in that game myself, though, so I know what it's like. A few hours of peace in exchange for weeks of extra pain. It's a vicious cycle.

A common trait among alcohol addicts is to use any excuse to drink. I did for a long long time. Right up until I decided not to any more.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

justinJustQuit

I've relapsed and posted on here at least 15-20 times. I've sat here and typed while crying my eyes out. But you can't look back and expect that all to go away. You have to look forward and possibly seek counseling/deal with that.

thomas11

JUK, I always had a slanted view of those "quack" mental health professionals, but I've changed my mind over time. We are complicated creatures, so I use the analogy of an onion. When something from our core is effecting us on the surface, we need to start peeling back those layers of the onion to get to the core, and work through though things by talking with someone. You don't require medication, its not surgery, its not terminal...its emotions. For you it sounds like shame and guilt are at the core, so the alcohol numbs and it goes away. Obviously it doesn't go away.
In the grand scheme of things psychology and psychiatry are relatively new to scientific medicine. They are learning new things every month.

Its a process of elimination, at this point we know what is NOT working, and that is alcohol. So try something different. Just my 2 cents.

JUK

You are all good people and I value your kind words and suggestions. Just can't see the exit door for my own particular hell right now

PurpleKnight

We all can move on, the past is the past, we need to draw a line a write a new chapter to our life!!

For me though I needed support in both the good times and the bad, what have you been doing for support in that time away from SR, because that might be something to tweak moving forward!!

You can do this!!