LBrain

If you keep blaming it on the "disease" you may never win. Because it takes the blame away from you. Make the decision to not drink - always. A disease cannot make a decision for you.

Venecia

Listen to Sharon. Please go inpatient.

Fly N Buy

I won't debate disease or self will et al. We know the progression of not only drinking but also of Recovery/early sobriety. Daily we read and many have gone through - including you and me - early sobriety.

It Sucks.

I was prepared for brain mush, cravings, sleeplessness, anxiety etc. My bail out plan was not to drink when these occurred - but, if overwhelming find additional support.

Out patient or In - I would have taken it to another level. Thus far, I have not had to - but I am prepared if necessary.

Whatever it takes......
I am a non-drinker

ArtFriend

(((Serenidad)))

This disease is treatable. You have been putting bandaids on a cancer. Wrong therapy. You need specialized services to treat the cancer. And do it now before it spreads. Rehab can stem the cancer. But you must do your part and get to the hospital (in keeping with the analogy).

ArtFriend

((Seren)))

You have been putting band aids on a cancer. Wrong treatment. You need specialized services afforded by rehab. Do it now before the cancer spreads further!

Serenidad

Thank you everyone. I want to go to treatment and have even called a few places and our insurance and we simply cannot afford it! I think it's ridiculous that they make it so expensive in our area.

Honestly, I have been trying to do this without support. Without checking into SR regularly, without praying, without going to AA meetings....I just keep thinking I can beat it on my own. It's not working.

I have no willingness to take action! Have I raised my white flag to this disease? God, I hope not!

I'm so beaten up.

Aellyce

I want to be direct and say that your statement about having zero options for treatment is simply not true. Nothing at all, inpatient outpatient, none? Serenidad, there are so many different possibilities, if not in your area, then in a different state. There is Salvation Army.

I feel that the truth is what you just said, that you are not doing anything, for some reason refuse to do anything consistent for your recovery. But you see, it's not working this way. Do you think that some sort of magic will just happen now or anytime in the future that will pull this together? Please don't get me wrong, I only speak with good intentions and following your struggles here for a pretty long time. You know clearly what the problem is (stated it in your last post), but you clearly can't make that bridge to another level with the ways you have been trying. What's next, Serenidad? More cycles of these kinds of posts and states for you, or...?

aasharon90

How much do you want to live we ask
ourselves? How much will it take for me
to regain my life back from an addiction
that is taking my life?

How much? I know it takes money to
live, but we cant take the money with
us when we die. So why not find what
ever it takes to regain our lives back
from this horrible disease, illness, addiction,
whatever you want to call it that is wiping
out good souls on this Earth.

I didn't know how much it cost for
my family to keep me in rehab, and
after my 2 weeks was up in rehab
I was told I would surely go home
and drink again so they wanted to
send me away out of state to a half
way house away from my family.

I begged and pleaded with them to let
me stay where I was to complete 28
days with a 6 week outpatient program
attached before completing the recommended
rehab program.

It may have costed us all we had, but
I believe my family care enough about
me to help me get better and resolve
many of my internal issues or demons
I was fighting with with alcohol.

Once I complete the program then the
ball was in my court to do what ever I
wanted or needed to do to stay sober
no matter what.

I fought tooth and nail to not be dragged
to the hospital until the authorities came
to escort me to the back seat of a handless
police car and driven off to the mental hospital.

I know without a doubt if my family hadn't
intervened on me that very day 24 yrs ago,
I could be dead today, in a mental hospital,
or in the gutter somewhere's because I
didn't want anyone to help me.

My family got me help because they
cared enough for my own well being
when I could have cared less. And that
is truly sad to say because that was how
sick I was.

To care less what happened to me
or my family because of my pride,
my selfishness, my disease.

We can always rebound back if we
are financially bankrupt for however
long it takes. However we have just
one life, one body to take care of and
if we don't have that then we have nothing
else.

Do WE who are sick with addiction
want to DIE?

site1Q84

Sounds like you know exactly what the problems are. Maybe it's time to take some action? Have you started going to meetings yet while you're looking into more treatment options?

Serenidad

I have no idea what triggers my cravings! They come out of no where!!! Evil!

Serenidad

The next thing I can do right now is go to an AA meeting and read my big book. That's the only thing that worked before. I need to get off my lazy ass!!! I can't think my way out of this disease.

Faker

Alcohol triggers your cravings. Remember, the thoughts are nothing unless you act on them. You don't have to act on them! Believe me, I know it's hard. So hard. But don't give up.

aasharon90

If folks can make a list of TRIGGERS that
would cause them to drink or think about
wanting to drink then that would give you
something to think about in your own life.

We all have triggers. We all have reasons
we wanted to drink or use. All sorts of issues
that plague us.

There are those little itty bitty pesky
things that drive us crazy and instead
of dealing with them in a healthier
manner, we just want them to disappear
quickly so we wont have to deal with them.

As long as alcohol is present and around
us we will automatically run to it. If it is
not in ur home or where u can easily reach
for it then you have time to use healthier
ways to deal whats buggin you.

Soberwolf

Here you can find a lot of cheap rehabs in new hampshire that also accept Medicaid im in London & i found that

http://www.drugrehabcenters.org/Cate...t_Medicaid.htm

Elizabeth333

yes - it is better to not hang around places where booze is - so easy to just let it talk to you and sabotage your thinking....

Verte

Returning to AA is a good idea. I have been here on SR for 14 months and cannot help but notice a distinct pattern with your recovery of emphatically begging for help and then very intentionally rejecting it. Like slamming a door. If you can see the pattern, then maybe you can consider what in your life you are consistently recreating? Then work hard to break the pattern. Drinking is not inevitable.

You can do this Serenidad.

IneedJesus

I'm so sorry you are having these feelings presently. I am exactly at the same crossroads. I am married with an almost 2yr old daughter. My wife has a pen in her hand and her signature is all that's needed. I'm scared! They are the only thing I want on life except for my DOC of course. The thing is I don't want it all the time. I can not want and say no for 23hrs 59minutes 59 seconds but not even a second required to totally ruin my world. Few years back got a couple years clean. Last couple been on,off,on,off. I have ZERO evidence showing I can stay clean. I want to not use. Then I think it is going to happen eventually should I just use and she will find out?Tell her to sign being history is a good indicator for the future? It's not looking good.

ElleDee

Look at your avatar! Never give up!!!

By the way, I love your avatar.

IneedJesus

Seren, I will say all the post about treatment could not be more true. That is how I got my couple of years clean! Back to some things in my original post. I mentioned some high probability situations for my current situation to permanently end. I think I have wronged her time and time again that it left permanent scars. I did that, her lover, how can I, how can overcome this? I have created bitterness inside her. The woman I love, but have done a poor job expressing. She is getting on to me about things that have always and only bothers me. I don't want to hurt her anymore in any capacity. That's my thinking behind getting on with the situation by sabotaging. I also don't want to lose her.

Anna

That's a very good start, but remember those things will not stop you from picking up a drink. Reading books, visiting SR, talking to fellow-alcoholics all will help, but ultimately it comes down to you. You need to motivate yourself and decide you will never drink again.