First foray into sobriety
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 1
First foray into sobriety
Hello there.
I've been drinking almost every evening since I was about 17 years old. I'm now 37 and 4 days ago I decided 20 years is enough.
I'm what I guess you would call a functioning alcoholic. I missed maybe 10 days of work due to a hangover over that 20 year period. (Way less than most non-alcoholics I'd wager) I was also never abusive to myself, or those around me. No DUIs, no drunken brawls in back alleys. In fact, I know I'm a better, approachable person to be around when I'm lubricated, as it were.
The reason I started drinking every night was my older brother did, and I kind of copied him. At that point, when I was 17 it was a 4 pack of beer every night after work. It became a habit - a way to unwind. Over the 20 years I progressed from beer to wine and I now have 2 bottle of wine a night. Every night, without fail. I doesn't even get me drunk and I rarely wake with a hangover.
Sober, I'm awkward. I shy away from human contact. At work I avoid having to make phone calls, I dislike socializing. I have hardly any friends because somehow I get ashamed to be me. I don't talk to anyone if I can avoid it.
After a drink or two I open up and am a much better person to be around. It sucks, but sadly it's a fact. I just don't know if my misanthropy is how I am normally or if the booze made me that way. Will I eventually be that open, talkative person after a year of sobriety?
I don't know.
On Monday, I decided to stop drinking and so far it's been OK. I've barely had any cravings at all. I've not slept great, but I'm 3 and a half days since my last drink and I feel no ill effects. No DTs, cold sweats, nausea, nothing. This is the longest I've gone in 20 years.
I do have great willpower. I stopped smoking 3 years back. No patches, gum or anything. Just put the smokes down, threw my lighter away and I haven't smoked since. So my plans are a bit vague at this point - Do I stop completely or just cut back? Say, drink only at weekends. That would be my ideal solution to this. I enjoy a beer or a glass of wine, and I really want to enjoy it in moderation. I just don't know if I'm capable of that or not. My good willpower and that fact that I'm not experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms suggests that this may be possible.
I know a lot of you are going to say that I should just stop, and it's probably the best thing to do, but I so want to be that person that can have a few drinks, then have none for 5 days straight. I always looked at people like that with such envy.
Anyway, apologies for the essay. Thanks for listening
I've been drinking almost every evening since I was about 17 years old. I'm now 37 and 4 days ago I decided 20 years is enough.
I'm what I guess you would call a functioning alcoholic. I missed maybe 10 days of work due to a hangover over that 20 year period. (Way less than most non-alcoholics I'd wager) I was also never abusive to myself, or those around me. No DUIs, no drunken brawls in back alleys. In fact, I know I'm a better, approachable person to be around when I'm lubricated, as it were.
The reason I started drinking every night was my older brother did, and I kind of copied him. At that point, when I was 17 it was a 4 pack of beer every night after work. It became a habit - a way to unwind. Over the 20 years I progressed from beer to wine and I now have 2 bottle of wine a night. Every night, without fail. I doesn't even get me drunk and I rarely wake with a hangover.
Sober, I'm awkward. I shy away from human contact. At work I avoid having to make phone calls, I dislike socializing. I have hardly any friends because somehow I get ashamed to be me. I don't talk to anyone if I can avoid it.
After a drink or two I open up and am a much better person to be around. It sucks, but sadly it's a fact. I just don't know if my misanthropy is how I am normally or if the booze made me that way. Will I eventually be that open, talkative person after a year of sobriety?
I don't know.
On Monday, I decided to stop drinking and so far it's been OK. I've barely had any cravings at all. I've not slept great, but I'm 3 and a half days since my last drink and I feel no ill effects. No DTs, cold sweats, nausea, nothing. This is the longest I've gone in 20 years.
I do have great willpower. I stopped smoking 3 years back. No patches, gum or anything. Just put the smokes down, threw my lighter away and I haven't smoked since. So my plans are a bit vague at this point - Do I stop completely or just cut back? Say, drink only at weekends. That would be my ideal solution to this. I enjoy a beer or a glass of wine, and I really want to enjoy it in moderation. I just don't know if I'm capable of that or not. My good willpower and that fact that I'm not experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms suggests that this may be possible.
I know a lot of you are going to say that I should just stop, and it's probably the best thing to do, but I so want to be that person that can have a few drinks, then have none for 5 days straight. I always looked at people like that with such envy.
Anyway, apologies for the essay. Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by loicbigois 
Hello there.
I've been drinking almost every evening since I was about 17 years old. I'm now 37 and 4 days ago I decided 20 years is enough.
I'm what I guess you would call a functioning alcoholic. I missed maybe 10 days of work due to a hangover over that 20 year period. (Way less than most non-alcoholics I'd wager) I was also never abusive to myself, or those around me. No DUIs, no drunken brawls in back alleys. In fact, I know I'm a better, approachable person to be around when I'm lubricated, as it were.
I know a lot of you are going to say that I should just stop, and it's probably the best thing to do, but I so want to be that person that can have a few drinks, then have none for 5 days straight. I always looked at people like that with such envy.
:
I've been drinking almost every evening since I was about 17 years old. I'm now 37 and 4 days ago I decided 20 years is enough.
I'm what I guess you would call a functioning alcoholic. I missed maybe 10 days of work due to a hangover over that 20 year period. (Way less than most non-alcoholics I'd wager) I was also never abusive to myself, or those around me. No DUIs, no drunken brawls in back alleys. In fact, I know I'm a better, approachable person to be around when I'm lubricated, as it were.
I know a lot of you are going to say that I should just stop, and it's probably the best thing to do, but I so want to be that person that can have a few drinks, then have none for 5 days straight. I always looked at people like that with such envy.
:
Hi.
I identify with many of your characteristics and when I expressed them at meetings I was told just add the word YET= Your Eligible Too.
As a sober alcoholic we have many things in common one thing is that we cannot drink in moderation for a long period yet many try and fail miserably and are never heard from again.
To me it’s a consistent relapse which is very hard to recover from. The majority will suggest just bite the bullet and stop now.
BE WELL
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome!
There is a vast difference between drinking on weekends and living a sober life, so hopefully you can decide what you want to do. It is almost impossible for alcoholics to taper off alcohol. Stopping drinking cold turkey, with your drs approval, is the way to go.
I used to feel like you do that I was more relaxed and interesting when I was drinking. Not so. That is what the disease wants you to believe so you continue to feed it. I'm not really comfortable in large groups of people, but I choose to avoid those situations most of the time, rather than drinking to fit in.
I hope you decide to continue your sober life.
There is a vast difference between drinking on weekends and living a sober life, so hopefully you can decide what you want to do. It is almost impossible for alcoholics to taper off alcohol. Stopping drinking cold turkey, with your drs approval, is the way to go.
I used to feel like you do that I was more relaxed and interesting when I was drinking. Not so. That is what the disease wants you to believe so you continue to feed it. I'm not really comfortable in large groups of people, but I choose to avoid those situations most of the time, rather than drinking to fit in.
I hope you decide to continue your sober life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Hello loicbigois,
You may NOT be an Alcoholic. I found out thru a long struggle that I am.
Someone that does not have an addiction to pea soup does not have to 'try' to not eat pea soup. Just Sayin ...
If you try to stop, or maintain control of your drinking and cannot ... good news ... I thought I HAD TO be able to drink ... now my life is absolutely better in all respects, after working the 12 Steps of AA. A drink would bring me 'Down' from the state I am in day-to-day, and I KNOW it would lead to the ugly state of my life being dominated by the incessant obsession & craving cycle of active alcohol use.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous, and FREE
You may NOT be an Alcoholic. I found out thru a long struggle that I am.
Someone that does not have an addiction to pea soup does not have to 'try' to not eat pea soup. Just Sayin ...
If you try to stop, or maintain control of your drinking and cannot ... good news ... I thought I HAD TO be able to drink ... now my life is absolutely better in all respects, after working the 12 Steps of AA. A drink would bring me 'Down' from the state I am in day-to-day, and I KNOW it would lead to the ugly state of my life being dominated by the incessant obsession & craving cycle of active alcohol use.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous, and FREE
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: rockville
Posts: 126
Loic, we are similar in some ways. I was totally functioning. Always drank the same amount every single day for the last 10+/- years and was a binger for the 20 years before that. It progresses. I'm almost 10 years older than you. My problem with drinking every day was that it was too much (6pack and half fifth of bourbon). I never drank less than that and it's the equivalent to 12+ drinks a day. Too much.
Hangovers were nothing more than morning clouds but the cumulative effects over the years tipped my health. I'm on blood pressure meds. Diagnosed with alcoholic fatty liver. My liver enzymes were out of whack. I had a low platelet count because alcohol was effecting my bone marrow's ability to produce platelets. Even a vitamin D insufficiency because alcohol screws up your body's ability to process nutrients. I eat healthy and take vitamins (always have) and it didn't matter.
Over the last 4 yeas I tried multiple attempts at moderation. To put it bluntly...moderation sucked and didn't work. Not even close. I couldn't quit for more than a week and when I tried to control the amount to a "safe and normal" level I felt completely unsatisfied and out of sorts with myself. I realized I can only be satisfied drinking when I drink every single day and way too much to be considered healthy.
I've been sober for 39 days and couldn't be happier about my decision. The first couple weeks kinda suck but it gets much much easier and I feel like a new person. I've lost a good chunk of weight, wake up clear and ready every day, sleep like a baby, nights have become productive periods because I'm not half or fully drunk all the time, and I've saved a chunk of cash in the process.
Drawing the line is difficult. Once my health caught up to me I knew it was over. Too scary and I'm too young for that. But before that I knew I had a pretty big problem. I had to drink every day and I couldn't cut back or take a responsible break. It became an all or none proposition like so many others on here.
Each person has to decide for themselves. If you think you can be a "safe and moderate" drinker (2 drinks max a day), I suggest trying it. If it doesn't work then the answer of what to do becomes more clear.
Hangovers were nothing more than morning clouds but the cumulative effects over the years tipped my health. I'm on blood pressure meds. Diagnosed with alcoholic fatty liver. My liver enzymes were out of whack. I had a low platelet count because alcohol was effecting my bone marrow's ability to produce platelets. Even a vitamin D insufficiency because alcohol screws up your body's ability to process nutrients. I eat healthy and take vitamins (always have) and it didn't matter.
Over the last 4 yeas I tried multiple attempts at moderation. To put it bluntly...moderation sucked and didn't work. Not even close. I couldn't quit for more than a week and when I tried to control the amount to a "safe and normal" level I felt completely unsatisfied and out of sorts with myself. I realized I can only be satisfied drinking when I drink every single day and way too much to be considered healthy.
I've been sober for 39 days and couldn't be happier about my decision. The first couple weeks kinda suck but it gets much much easier and I feel like a new person. I've lost a good chunk of weight, wake up clear and ready every day, sleep like a baby, nights have become productive periods because I'm not half or fully drunk all the time, and I've saved a chunk of cash in the process.
Drawing the line is difficult. Once my health caught up to me I knew it was over. Too scary and I'm too young for that. But before that I knew I had a pretty big problem. I had to drink every day and I couldn't cut back or take a responsible break. It became an all or none proposition like so many others on here.
Each person has to decide for themselves. If you think you can be a "safe and moderate" drinker (2 drinks max a day), I suggest trying it. If it doesn't work then the answer of what to do becomes more clear.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome.
An ideal solution...for your addiction.
Four days after deciding that you are done drinking, you are already compromising on your commitment. That should tell you all you need to know about your problem with alcohol.
Originally Posted by loicbigois
So my plans are a bit vague at this point - Do I stop completely or just cut back? Say, drink only at weekends. That would be my ideal solution to this.
Four days after deciding that you are done drinking, you are already compromising on your commitment. That should tell you all you need to know about your problem with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: SC
Posts: 19
loicbigois, glad you made a decision to quit. Two bottles of wine a day is a lot. Even though you may not feel drunk, your body has become accustomed to having alcohol in your system, and it is has become the definition of feeling normal.
You mentioned that you are an awkward person and that you avoid socializing and interpersonal relationships because you are ashamed of being you. When you drink, you gain confidence and the shame seems to go away.
I can't say with any authority what is going on in your life, head, or heart, but I can tell you a little bit of what I experienced. I, too, was ashamed to be me. When I drank, my confidence was boosted and I felt no hesitation to call people up, socialize, etc. I thought that alcohol was making me a better person, but it was merely changing my perception of myself. All of those things that made me ashamed - all of my shortcomings, selfishness, and defects - never went away. I just used alcohol to mask the reality of who I was, and to dull the pain of confronting myself and my life.
Now that I'm sober (even just 114 days), I have a much more realistic view of who I am. My past, present, and future are much clearer to me, and each day that I am sober I am gaining more understanding of who I am, why I am the way that I am, and how I can grow as a person today. I'm learning to forgive myself and forgive others.
If you've been drinking daily for 20 years since the age of 17, you probably haven't given yourself the opportunity to experience unhindered growth as a person. If you hadn't been drinking all this time, do you think you would still be ashamed to be you? I don't know, and to be honest, maybe that isn't important now. What is important is that you've made the decision to give sobriety a shot. You have a great opportunity to learn more about yourself, both good and bad. You have an opportunity to experience life without it being refracted through the lens of "drunk goggles".
Keep reading this forum. Find some accountability. Talk to people. Take this opportunity to have an open mind and to learn. You may not end up being that open, talkative person after a year of sobriety, but I think you'll have a better idea of who you are meant to be if you stay sober.
You mentioned that you are an awkward person and that you avoid socializing and interpersonal relationships because you are ashamed of being you. When you drink, you gain confidence and the shame seems to go away.
I can't say with any authority what is going on in your life, head, or heart, but I can tell you a little bit of what I experienced. I, too, was ashamed to be me. When I drank, my confidence was boosted and I felt no hesitation to call people up, socialize, etc. I thought that alcohol was making me a better person, but it was merely changing my perception of myself. All of those things that made me ashamed - all of my shortcomings, selfishness, and defects - never went away. I just used alcohol to mask the reality of who I was, and to dull the pain of confronting myself and my life.
Now that I'm sober (even just 114 days), I have a much more realistic view of who I am. My past, present, and future are much clearer to me, and each day that I am sober I am gaining more understanding of who I am, why I am the way that I am, and how I can grow as a person today. I'm learning to forgive myself and forgive others.
If you've been drinking daily for 20 years since the age of 17, you probably haven't given yourself the opportunity to experience unhindered growth as a person. If you hadn't been drinking all this time, do you think you would still be ashamed to be you? I don't know, and to be honest, maybe that isn't important now. What is important is that you've made the decision to give sobriety a shot. You have a great opportunity to learn more about yourself, both good and bad. You have an opportunity to experience life without it being refracted through the lens of "drunk goggles".
Keep reading this forum. Find some accountability. Talk to people. Take this opportunity to have an open mind and to learn. You may not end up being that open, talkative person after a year of sobriety, but I think you'll have a better idea of who you are meant to be if you stay sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,371
Hi and welcome 
Carl makes a great point I think.
I went to *extraordinary* lengths to keep alcohol in my life, despite the mounting evidence that I was indeed an alcoholic.
I also wanted to be that person that could have a few drinks on a weekend and nothing more.
I looked at people like that with envy because....I could never do it.
D
Carl makes a great point I think.
I went to *extraordinary* lengths to keep alcohol in my life, despite the mounting evidence that I was indeed an alcoholic.
I also wanted to be that person that could have a few drinks on a weekend and nothing more.
I looked at people like that with envy because....I could never do it.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi loicbigois, My comment will not be popular here, I'm sure of that. You've been drinking for 20 years, you thus far, have suffered withdrawals, which you should be thankful for. I can relate to the social awkwardness, alcohol is a pretty common solution to overcome that. You have also avoided the chaos that often accompanies alcoholism. Since you are an adult and its your life, I say try to accomplish what you mentioned above. Possibly having something to drink on the weekends or on special occasions and see what happens. But understand right now, that if that doesn't work and the drinking returns to where you are now, then complete sobriety is probably the best option. Not even necessarily to eliminate hangovers, withdrawals, fighting and legal trouble (as it sounds like you don't suffer from any of that), do it for your health. You are 37, even if you are superman, the deteriorating health is almost unavoidable. As I mentioned, this will not be a popular comment, you have the right to try to do things your way. But be aware that success rate for that is low.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by thomas11
Hi loicbigois, My comment will not be popular here, I'm sure of that. You've been drinking for 20 years, you thus far, have suffered withdrawals, which you should be thankful for. I can relate to the social awkwardness, alcohol is a pretty common solution to overcome that. You have also avoided the chaos that often accompanies alcoholism. Since you are an adult and its your life, I say try to accomplish what you mentioned above. Possibly having something to drink on the weekends or on special occasions and see what happens. But understand right now, that if that doesn't work and the drinking returns to where you are now, then complete sobriety is probably the best option. Not even necessarily to eliminate hangovers, withdrawals, fighting and legal trouble (as it sounds like you don't suffer from any of that), do it for your health. You are 37, even if you are superman, the deteriorating health is almost unavoidable. As I mentioned, this will not be a popular comment, you have the right to try to do things your way. But be aware that success rate for that is low.
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