New here looking for support/advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Thanks Don. I appreciate your advice. I will try to analyze myself in those ways. I am trying and maybe that's why zoomer's words hurt. I am trying so hard to make things best for my daughter, my husband and myself. I have alot of sole searching to do, hence why I'm here. Hopefully soon some light bulb will go on and make sense inside this head of mine. Until then, just like the recovering addicts on here, I too am trying to do things one day at a time.
Thanks again!
Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
It can be very difficult to separate the emotional from the rational parts of your decisions. In my opinion, behavior arises from our emotions and beliefs, and often those are irrational. Going through the process of sorting out your options can help you work towards a plan of action, even if it seems impossible to implement. Spending too much time asking 'what if?' can become distressing. More manageable questions are 'where do I want to be? What steps can I take now to move in that direction?' It's not just a matter of wanting things to be different. It's a matter of figuring out how to get there.
Then, when you can make the emotional commitment to actually make difficult choices (difficult because sometimes your goals are in conflict with each other) you already know what actions to take.
Whether our behavior is compulsive substance abuse, or staying in a damaged relationship, we can handle it pretty much the same way. It's not easy, but the process can be simplified into this outline:
--Recognize the benefits of change (you can call it the need for change if you like). Sometimes this takes time, focus, and support.
--Acknowledge that you have the power to make some changes, and not others. You can make choices; you can't force others to make the choices you would prefer that they make.
--Accept the things you can't change. That isn't easy, of course, but it really is the key to daily serenity!
--Determine the safest and healthiest things you CAN do--in the short term, and in the long term.
--Figure out what's holding you back. Usually these are beliefs, and often they have to do with absolute thinking, demands we are making on ourselves or others, or an irrational sense that something isn't 'fair' or isn't as it 'should' be. So they can be described as irrational beliefs.
--Take action, seek support, and plan for setbacks.
When you express your fear of him harming himself, you are predicting behavior that you can't control. What you can control is exposure to the danger he creates to others when he is drunk, as you have wisely chosen to do in the past. Only you can say whether you can accept his continued drunkenness, or the separation that you will choose to have it cause in order to be safe. I imagine folks at Al-Anon could give you some pointers on how they have dealt with that situation; some have probably chosen to stay and accept such behavior, while others have chosen to leave.
You seem to me to be very afraid of losing him. My previous question was intended to get you to look at that fear a little more closely, not to try and drive you apart. For example--if you set boundaries, does it really mean your relationship will be over? A common question to ask about any choice is 'what is the worst that could happen? And is it really that awful?' Then you can make those rules, and that is where you have to set your priorities. I think we all agree that safety is the first priority, so you know what the rules would have to be about being under the influence of alcohol around your child.
Something that can help to reduce the emotional distress can be to describe the situation more accurately, and the first step is to use language more carefully. As an example, you said you want to 'make things best for my daughter, my husband, and myself.' Best is absolute, and creates a demand you probably can't fulfill--'best' for one may not be 'best' for another. But to try to help make things safe for your daughter and yourself, and helpful to your husband's sobriety--those are goals you may be able to achieve.
In my opinion--and that's all it is!--separation would probably be safest for your daughter, healthiest for you, and most likely to lead your husband to choose to try and get sober. Perhaps you can see some other way to achieve those specific goals, or perhaps you have other goals in mind. But you can see that the process is to identify what beliefs and emotions are obstacles to change. Seeking support can be very helpful, so I'm glad you're here. Please keep posting!
Don S
Then, when you can make the emotional commitment to actually make difficult choices (difficult because sometimes your goals are in conflict with each other) you already know what actions to take.
Whether our behavior is compulsive substance abuse, or staying in a damaged relationship, we can handle it pretty much the same way. It's not easy, but the process can be simplified into this outline:
--Recognize the benefits of change (you can call it the need for change if you like). Sometimes this takes time, focus, and support.
--Acknowledge that you have the power to make some changes, and not others. You can make choices; you can't force others to make the choices you would prefer that they make.
--Accept the things you can't change. That isn't easy, of course, but it really is the key to daily serenity!
--Determine the safest and healthiest things you CAN do--in the short term, and in the long term.
--Figure out what's holding you back. Usually these are beliefs, and often they have to do with absolute thinking, demands we are making on ourselves or others, or an irrational sense that something isn't 'fair' or isn't as it 'should' be. So they can be described as irrational beliefs.
--Take action, seek support, and plan for setbacks.
When you express your fear of him harming himself, you are predicting behavior that you can't control. What you can control is exposure to the danger he creates to others when he is drunk, as you have wisely chosen to do in the past. Only you can say whether you can accept his continued drunkenness, or the separation that you will choose to have it cause in order to be safe. I imagine folks at Al-Anon could give you some pointers on how they have dealt with that situation; some have probably chosen to stay and accept such behavior, while others have chosen to leave.
You seem to me to be very afraid of losing him. My previous question was intended to get you to look at that fear a little more closely, not to try and drive you apart. For example--if you set boundaries, does it really mean your relationship will be over? A common question to ask about any choice is 'what is the worst that could happen? And is it really that awful?' Then you can make those rules, and that is where you have to set your priorities. I think we all agree that safety is the first priority, so you know what the rules would have to be about being under the influence of alcohol around your child.
Something that can help to reduce the emotional distress can be to describe the situation more accurately, and the first step is to use language more carefully. As an example, you said you want to 'make things best for my daughter, my husband, and myself.' Best is absolute, and creates a demand you probably can't fulfill--'best' for one may not be 'best' for another. But to try to help make things safe for your daughter and yourself, and helpful to your husband's sobriety--those are goals you may be able to achieve.
In my opinion--and that's all it is!--separation would probably be safest for your daughter, healthiest for you, and most likely to lead your husband to choose to try and get sober. Perhaps you can see some other way to achieve those specific goals, or perhaps you have other goals in mind. But you can see that the process is to identify what beliefs and emotions are obstacles to change. Seeking support can be very helpful, so I'm glad you're here. Please keep posting!
Don S
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: nsw
Posts: 1
chin up
Originally Posted by Chy
I think you know the answers, you know what has to be done, it's time to heal yourself, get selfish, and make a plan.
it sounds like your givin him all you got and it sounds like his not givin it back. your not an endless pitt hunny, what are you left to give your daughter? is this the man the man you want her to see and want to be like ? please for yourself and for your beautiful girl deside what you want out of life,deside weather or not you want your home to be safe and always open to your daughter and youself. Did you ever think that in the same way you call her the OW, for cooking his dinners puttin up with all his crap for your house and relationship and for all the love you got for him you might just be being called the OW TOO!? How much longer do you want that for?
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