What am I doing?
 

Dumb title for this post. I know what I'm doing. I'm headed straight back to where I was, or worse.
I have had a couple good stretches, but keep going back to drinking. I wanted to create a post about just what my AV is telling me and right now it's louder than anything else. I know it's ridiculous and maybe if I put it in writing and read it, re-read it something will kick in.

My shakes are back daily. That's right, I justify it that they're 'my' shakes, I'm used to them, I know how to work with them... Besides I can still write legibly.

That awful sweating is back. That's ok, adjust what I wear, keep some extra deodorant in the drawer. Keep an extra t shirt near the bed so I can quickly change when I wake up drenched and know I just need a few more hours sleep.

Lunch drinks. Not uncommon at my workplace. But do I stop there? Nope, but no one knows, right? No one can tell and it's not causing any issues, just helps me work better in the afternoon.

Hidden drinks at home. Nothing to worry about, it's just a six pack a night as far as what is visible. There is NO way I could sleep with just a six pack, they just don't understand. And again, not hurting anything right?

I may think of more. I just need to get it out there because I am so painfully aware of just how wrong and backwards these thoughts are, but they're big and loud and getting worse.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope that you can get back on track.

How far down the elevator shaft do you want to go this time?

Hi.
From past experience this is a miserable way of life especially being here and reading the success stories.
There is a helpful way out, concentrate on NOT drinking rather on the drinking portion many have experienced for too long. In the beginning it helped me by going to meetings and listening, accepting I cannot drink in safety and remembering that if I don’t have that first drink one day at a time in a row I won’t have to try to get sober again. That’s worked for a long time.

BE WELL

Yes - keep re-reading it - this really isn't anyway to live.

The correct response to your AV, "NO, I don't drink anymore," can be big and loud too. Employ it until it becomes automatic.

Good that you have been honest about what's going on. I am particularly concerned about your drinking at work though because if you lose your job without a recovery plan in place that could take you to a very dark place. Of course, we want to help you sober up completely. But for starters, can you reach out to us to help you stop drinking at lunchtime and then through the rest of your working day?

I think it's incredible the level of denial we usually have with alcoholism. When I look back at my thinking during those days, it makes no sense at all.

Yup Anna. Crazy indeed.
I remember when one of my daughters found a hidden bottle of vodka in my desk. She put a note on it with the phone number for AA. I became so good at lying that it was nothing for me to squirm out of that one. For sure...I kept that bottle there untouched for a long time to collaborate my story. And I didn't touch the visible bottle.

That was really no problem for me, because I had another hidden bottle yet to be discovered.

Lies, lies, and more lies. I lied to my family, I lied to myself. So glad to be free from that.

And to the OP....
Great job stepping up and recognizing what's going on. You know where it's going to lead. There's no better time then right now to stop the madness.

It's good to see you JayEl. I hope you commit to getting sober today and see a doctor. :hug:

I hope the awesome support here can help you stop drinking for good. :)

Start now JayEl.. Don't wait another moment. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
We are here to support you. Lean on us; we understand what you are going through. You can do what you put your mind to....ODAAT.

Thank you all for the replies. I don't know how to do the quote thing but the idea of talking back to my AV really rung a bell. I need to make a doctors appt. the last time I was this far in I spent 6 days in detox after several paracentesis procedures. I don't think I want to try this on my own.

You know, the one thing I can't justify is the anxiety. It's debilitating, it's trying to drive me back to drink. That should be enough shouldnt it? Knowing I have to drink to even be ok? This is such a twisted process.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for responding.

I can absolutely relate to those type of thoughts. I used think terms like "The Insanity of Alcoholism" were a little overdramatic. Eventually I got to a point where I fully understood what it meant.

I remember one day saying to myself, "You haven't lost your job yet because of drinking. You can quit alcohol when you lose your job..". And I actually considered that a real, legitimate, reasonable thought.

That thought is completely insane. Any way you look at it, it's just nuts.

5000% What Anna said

I'm glad you posted about what you're going through. I put myself through it many times JayEl. Justified the insanity for decades. In the end it was pure misery - dangerous and pointless. I don't know why I kept thinking it might be otherwise. Being free of it forever feels so good. I'm glad you plan to see your doctor.

I hope you'll keep talking to us - I found it helped with the anxiety. You know we understand, and can relate.

Do see your Dr JayEl. :)
maybe give a little thought to making a recovery plan too?

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf
D

Today is day one, again, but I'm working to make it my last.
I've joined the July class.
I'm going to go back to meetings.
Dusted off my Big Book
Got honest with my husband, telling him about my daily symptoms (which now include a slight numbness in my hand).
Need to make a doctors appointment still, but I'm starting today. No alcohol in the house. No holiday parties, plans, bbq's.
Water is stocked up, vitamins on hand, mind is set.
Thanks for the encouragement when I started this thread, took me a bit to kick in, but here I am.

Good.

"Today is day one, again, but I'm working to make it my last."

No one can fault you as long as you keep working and trying. Best of luck to you and keep us posted.