I'm an Addict DOESN'T mean I'm Hopeless
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3
I'm an Addict DOESN'T mean I'm Hopeless
After the first two weeks or so of being very miserable and uncertain about so many things, and questioning everything (even my decision to get clean, which didn't come from a craving for drugs but from feeling vulnerable) I started feeling very good about everything for like a week straight. Like I noticed I was smiling all the time and feeling like myself again and I was totally confident in myself and my decision to be clean.
Then Sunday morning (sort of), after an amazing Saturday and a really awesome meeting that night, it suddenly went from all those great feelings right back to self-doubt and hopelessness with one realization.
So it was 3 AM, which is why I say it was sort of Sunday morning, and I hadn't slept yet because there was something bothering me and I couldn't figure out what it was but I just felt like I couldn't sleep until I knew. And I was going through the day and going over what was said in the meeting I went to and I got hung up on this one thing that the speaker that night had said, which was; "I am an addict, and I believe that I was born an addict. That being an addict is innate." And I realized THAT was what was bothering me so much because it was so different than how I'd always thought of it.
Like I always thought being addicted to drugs made me an addict, I had never considered that it was a personality trait since birth. And the more I thought about this new idea the more I came to believing she was right. And I was overwhelmed because if being an addict has always been a part of me, how could I ever hope to overcome something built into me?! And it opened the flood gates of negativity and reminded me of all those doubts and all that anxiety that I struggled with the first two weeks.
Then I finally had to just shut that down and force myself to go to bed. And I literally slept until like 5 in the afternoon, was awake and miserable and crying for like 2-3 hours. And since I started going to meetings, yesterday was the first day that I decided not to. Like every part of me was telling me to go, but I made this excuse that I was going to be late anyways and it wasn't worth going...and just excuse after excuse talking myself out of going. But I watched the clock the whole time, feeling like I needed to go and that it would help and trying to tell myself that I needed to trust God and feeling guilty about not going was a sign from God that I needed to. But I just sat at home and watched the clock until the meeting was over, then I cried some more and went back to sleep.
Then I spent all day feeling guilty for not going to the meeting last night, and letting that tell me it was just more proof of how being an addict was something I was born with, because such a huge part of being an addict is doing what I want and not what I know I have to and would be good for me. So add in more feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, paranoia, and just overall feeling unworthy/hopeless...
And then tonight like last night, I knew what was going to make me feel better and what I had to do but I still didn't want to do it. However unlike last night, I decided that I was going whether I wanted to or not. So I started getting ready and left early and got there on time, and sat in that meeting listening to everyone and talking to a few people afterwards and it made all the difference in the world!
Instead of feeling like; "I am an addict and it's hopeless to try to change that because I was born like this." I felt like; "I am an addict, and I was born this way. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing." And that light came on in a really important way.
Like just because I was born an addict doesn't mean I'm a bad person, unless I'm an addict on drugs. Because I think back to the things I put myself through and the things I did to myself and the people around me in order to feed my drug addiction, and it was a **** show...but if I take that determination and resiliency and put it towards doing the good things in life and following God's will, then I know I'm capable of anything and I won't have to be a bad person while I'm doing them because I'll be living life on life's terms and won't have to lie and manipulate to do it.
But in the interest of not making this any longer, I guess the big realization at the end would be to keep following God's will and that being born an addict doesn't mean I'm inherently a bad person, it means I have defects that I need to keep working on and it's not impossible. More importantly, it doesn't have to be so overwhelming if I keep going to meetings and continue being honest with others and myself because as I've realized, it's a lot easier knowing that I'm not alone and that there are people going through this with me and those people are going to be there to help me in times of weakness and enjoy the journey with me in times of strength.
So I'm just really grateful to everyone (on these forums and in my meetings) and I'm really grateful to be here with all of you, and especially to be able to be here with clarity and understanding is such a gift. And JUST FOR TODAY, I am 21 days clean.
And to anyone who may be going through a tough time:
“Be grateful. These feelings, no matter how painful, are part of living. Today, we are alive—not anesthetized, not sedated, not passed out. Take control of your feelings and through action you can change. Today, as every day of sober living, we have a choice.”
Then Sunday morning (sort of), after an amazing Saturday and a really awesome meeting that night, it suddenly went from all those great feelings right back to self-doubt and hopelessness with one realization.
So it was 3 AM, which is why I say it was sort of Sunday morning, and I hadn't slept yet because there was something bothering me and I couldn't figure out what it was but I just felt like I couldn't sleep until I knew. And I was going through the day and going over what was said in the meeting I went to and I got hung up on this one thing that the speaker that night had said, which was; "I am an addict, and I believe that I was born an addict. That being an addict is innate." And I realized THAT was what was bothering me so much because it was so different than how I'd always thought of it.
Like I always thought being addicted to drugs made me an addict, I had never considered that it was a personality trait since birth. And the more I thought about this new idea the more I came to believing she was right. And I was overwhelmed because if being an addict has always been a part of me, how could I ever hope to overcome something built into me?! And it opened the flood gates of negativity and reminded me of all those doubts and all that anxiety that I struggled with the first two weeks.
Then I finally had to just shut that down and force myself to go to bed. And I literally slept until like 5 in the afternoon, was awake and miserable and crying for like 2-3 hours. And since I started going to meetings, yesterday was the first day that I decided not to. Like every part of me was telling me to go, but I made this excuse that I was going to be late anyways and it wasn't worth going...and just excuse after excuse talking myself out of going. But I watched the clock the whole time, feeling like I needed to go and that it would help and trying to tell myself that I needed to trust God and feeling guilty about not going was a sign from God that I needed to. But I just sat at home and watched the clock until the meeting was over, then I cried some more and went back to sleep.
Then I spent all day feeling guilty for not going to the meeting last night, and letting that tell me it was just more proof of how being an addict was something I was born with, because such a huge part of being an addict is doing what I want and not what I know I have to and would be good for me. So add in more feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, paranoia, and just overall feeling unworthy/hopeless...
And then tonight like last night, I knew what was going to make me feel better and what I had to do but I still didn't want to do it. However unlike last night, I decided that I was going whether I wanted to or not. So I started getting ready and left early and got there on time, and sat in that meeting listening to everyone and talking to a few people afterwards and it made all the difference in the world!
Instead of feeling like; "I am an addict and it's hopeless to try to change that because I was born like this." I felt like; "I am an addict, and I was born this way. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing." And that light came on in a really important way.
Like just because I was born an addict doesn't mean I'm a bad person, unless I'm an addict on drugs. Because I think back to the things I put myself through and the things I did to myself and the people around me in order to feed my drug addiction, and it was a **** show...but if I take that determination and resiliency and put it towards doing the good things in life and following God's will, then I know I'm capable of anything and I won't have to be a bad person while I'm doing them because I'll be living life on life's terms and won't have to lie and manipulate to do it.
But in the interest of not making this any longer, I guess the big realization at the end would be to keep following God's will and that being born an addict doesn't mean I'm inherently a bad person, it means I have defects that I need to keep working on and it's not impossible. More importantly, it doesn't have to be so overwhelming if I keep going to meetings and continue being honest with others and myself because as I've realized, it's a lot easier knowing that I'm not alone and that there are people going through this with me and those people are going to be there to help me in times of weakness and enjoy the journey with me in times of strength.
So I'm just really grateful to everyone (on these forums and in my meetings) and I'm really grateful to be here with all of you, and especially to be able to be here with clarity and understanding is such a gift. And JUST FOR TODAY, I am 21 days clean.
And to anyone who may be going through a tough time:
“Be grateful. These feelings, no matter how painful, are part of living. Today, we are alive—not anesthetized, not sedated, not passed out. Take control of your feelings and through action you can change. Today, as every day of sober living, we have a choice.”
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Thanks so much for your post xtrarestless 
No we're not bad people simply because we're addicted - some of the best and bravest people I know I found right here on SR.
I'm glad you've found us too
D
No we're not bad people simply because we're addicted - some of the best and bravest people I know I found right here on SR.
I'm glad you've found us too
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
This is not something I can empirically prove but I already felt at age 15 that I had an "addict's personality". In fact in my late teens I didn't even want to try alcohol because I suspected I'd like it too much. Sure enough, I was kind of peer-pressured into drinking at my high school graduation party and I looooooooooooooved it. Supposedly one sign of alcoholism is being able to vividly remember the first time you got drunk, and I certainly can. Every detail.
That said I think we can be genetically predisposed but we are not just our genetics. Maybe I was destined to struggle with drinking but I have won the war (or to be less cocky, I've won every battle for almost three years now).
The fact that you're here shows you're not hopeless!
That said I think we can be genetically predisposed but we are not just our genetics. Maybe I was destined to struggle with drinking but I have won the war (or to be less cocky, I've won every battle for almost three years now).
The fact that you're here shows you're not hopeless!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Welcome to SR! You are not alone in our feelings. Sadly there is so much misery attached to addictions but we don't decide to become addicts. It happens and I no longer question why but focus instead how I can live my life as a sober person.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 95
I think this is a dangerous way to think, that you are innately born with addiction and that you're a hopeless, bad person. I say so because my exA overwhelmed himself with this sort of thinking and allowed it not only to be an excuse to keep going back to bad behaviors but he could never ever truly see a way out of it, that it was what it was and it was never really going to get better, it was "life in prison" so to speak.
In my opinion no one is hopeless or bad and certainly addiction shouldn't have to be a life sentence.
I think even in sobriety it gets tricky, I mean ok so now you are sober but you're walking around constantly reminding yourself that you are a former addict. Isn't it healthier to get rid of labels all together and to see it as just ongoing work to better yourself? We all have issues to deal with, but when we get into labels with such negative connotations doesn’t that hinder hope?
Perhaps I am naïve on this, so forgive me if I come off crass, I am still trying to understand and educate myself on it, but I have for the most part stepped away from it to focus on my issues and no longer the ex-addict’s. Different things work for different folks I suppose. It was just so frustrating to see my ex, continually believe so firmly in the theory of Alcoholics Anonymous only to eventually use those things against his own self and sabotage his recovery, if that makes sense.
I know for myself when I found myself struggling with drinking issues the thing that helped me was practicing more modern ways of recovery and not checking off the little boxes of what I could be clinically and trapping myself in said boxes. But I’ve never been a full blown addict so what do I know? I guess I just wish there was more positive light and love surrounding it, instead of people feeling so bad and hopeless about it.
In my opinion no one is hopeless or bad and certainly addiction shouldn't have to be a life sentence.
I think even in sobriety it gets tricky, I mean ok so now you are sober but you're walking around constantly reminding yourself that you are a former addict. Isn't it healthier to get rid of labels all together and to see it as just ongoing work to better yourself? We all have issues to deal with, but when we get into labels with such negative connotations doesn’t that hinder hope?
Perhaps I am naïve on this, so forgive me if I come off crass, I am still trying to understand and educate myself on it, but I have for the most part stepped away from it to focus on my issues and no longer the ex-addict’s. Different things work for different folks I suppose. It was just so frustrating to see my ex, continually believe so firmly in the theory of Alcoholics Anonymous only to eventually use those things against his own self and sabotage his recovery, if that makes sense.
I know for myself when I found myself struggling with drinking issues the thing that helped me was practicing more modern ways of recovery and not checking off the little boxes of what I could be clinically and trapping myself in said boxes. But I’ve never been a full blown addict so what do I know? I guess I just wish there was more positive light and love surrounding it, instead of people feeling so bad and hopeless about it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi JKSgirl
As many of us have said here we're not bad people and I agree with you that thinking we are can lead us back to more drinking.
I'm not in AA but I don't agree the AA message is you're a 'hopeless, bad person'.
I do hear that a bit, and it may be your ex husbands interpretation - but I got something quite different from my reading of the Big Book - I found a lot of hope, and a lot about becoming who we want to be .
best wishes to you and to your ex.
D
As many of us have said here we're not bad people and I agree with you that thinking we are can lead us back to more drinking.
I'm not in AA but I don't agree the AA message is you're a 'hopeless, bad person'.
I do hear that a bit, and it may be your ex husbands interpretation - but I got something quite different from my reading of the Big Book - I found a lot of hope, and a lot about becoming who we want to be .
best wishes to you and to your ex.
D
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