Married Father Looking For Advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 11
Good Evening SR group.
Tonight was a new low for me. As I stated we are now going to marriage counseling. We had our first session last week. The counselor after about 10 minutes drilled into the addiction of my wife. She struggled to defined her position to be allowed. She struggled to justify her behavior. At the end of a two hour session she was instructed to not use alachol or we could not get through and move on... it was a hard night!!! She was pissed and blamed me for controlling the situation. If only the therapist knew what I was capable of.... she made it two more days then was back to drinking again.
Today we had another session. I met her there went straight from work. Immeaditley upon seeing her I knew she was drunk!! I was angry sad and horrified of what was about to happen.... sure as beck. Here I was sitting with a therapist with my drunk wife. The person that I did not marry... ramble on to this counselor about how bad life is and how bad I am as a person. Almost as if she planned this night out. Im shocked that this happened. I cannot believe that she would have the gull to do this when the perception was that she wanted to be sober. Why go to a therapist just to make things worse. What a waste of money today! What a waste of hope.
Im sitting in my car afraid to go home. No telling what else she had planned.
Im not sure what the universe has in store for me next...
Tonight was a new low for me. As I stated we are now going to marriage counseling. We had our first session last week. The counselor after about 10 minutes drilled into the addiction of my wife. She struggled to defined her position to be allowed. She struggled to justify her behavior. At the end of a two hour session she was instructed to not use alachol or we could not get through and move on... it was a hard night!!! She was pissed and blamed me for controlling the situation. If only the therapist knew what I was capable of.... she made it two more days then was back to drinking again.
Today we had another session. I met her there went straight from work. Immeaditley upon seeing her I knew she was drunk!! I was angry sad and horrified of what was about to happen.... sure as beck. Here I was sitting with a therapist with my drunk wife. The person that I did not marry... ramble on to this counselor about how bad life is and how bad I am as a person. Almost as if she planned this night out. Im shocked that this happened. I cannot believe that she would have the gull to do this when the perception was that she wanted to be sober. Why go to a therapist just to make things worse. What a waste of money today! What a waste of hope.
Im sitting in my car afraid to go home. No telling what else she had planned.
Im not sure what the universe has in store for me next...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry to hear that she is still in denial. Until she is ready to be honest, open and willing, and accept that moderation is not something she is ever likely to be successful at, then she will continue to be lost.
Did you explore Al Anon? (Your partner doesn't need to be in AA for you to access their groups and resources).
Did you explore Al Anon? (Your partner doesn't need to be in AA for you to access their groups and resources).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
I'm the (recovered) alcoholic in my relationship and the few times I got sloppy drunk and belligerent towards my husband, I had deep remorse and self hatred the following morning. I'm somewhat surprised that your wife has none whatsoever. This is alarming because it indicates to me that she has no desire to get sober. You really can't get sober for someone else because that creates resentment and a whole bunch of other character defects will pop up that will hinder your sober path. She has to want it for herself. That is when I turned the corner. And you will hear this over and over from family members of alcoholics....you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. No one can make another person an alcoholic and your wife needs to stop saying that to you. It's absolutely ridiculous.
One last thing, I grew up the youngest of five children with a dad who was an alcoholic. He literally terrorized my mother, siblings and I almost every single day of our childhood. I use to beg my mother to divorce him. We were staunch Catholics and there is no way my mother would have ever divorced. It was a different time. My point is that being terrorized continuously while a child has had devastating, lasting effects on me into adulthood. Don't let that happen to your children. You are a good soul. It sounds like you are figuring out what you need to do. Healing thoughts and prayers being sent your way.
One last thing, I grew up the youngest of five children with a dad who was an alcoholic. He literally terrorized my mother, siblings and I almost every single day of our childhood. I use to beg my mother to divorce him. We were staunch Catholics and there is no way my mother would have ever divorced. It was a different time. My point is that being terrorized continuously while a child has had devastating, lasting effects on me into adulthood. Don't let that happen to your children. You are a good soul. It sounds like you are figuring out what you need to do. Healing thoughts and prayers being sent your way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
BayArea, it is time to find a lawyer and get counsel on how to take care of your kids. Maybe you need to apply for temporary custody, or there is some other legal avenue to take since you are not the "legal" parent, yet the "legal" parent is incapable of properly caring for her children.
You may want to start a journal about every incident that happens as a result of her alcoholism, and include how that affects your children. Your prior posts here about the incident when you locked your bedroom door, she had a knife and was violently pounding the door while the children were watching, is a good place to begin. You have the police report from that, and there will be a record of which neighbors were so concerned that they called the police.
You need to gather evidence to prove your assertions. If you can tape or video what she does, and that is admissable in court in your state, that would be evidence. Having the marriage counselor's views on record, after your wife showed up drunk, adds an impartial third party's view to the record.
Your wife's alcoholism seems to have progressed into chaos and violence, both verbal and physical. She is no longer acting like a mother and wife; her capacity to love and to mother is so compromised that she is now a detriment to the family, no matter how unable she is to comprehend that.
This "new to alcoholism" SR forum has been very supportive and given you lots of insight. You might also want to post to the "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" SR forum. People there have had to handle similar situations to yours and may be able to tell you more about how they handled them.
We're all here for you, and especially for your children who need all the protection they can get.
ShootingStar1
You may want to start a journal about every incident that happens as a result of her alcoholism, and include how that affects your children. Your prior posts here about the incident when you locked your bedroom door, she had a knife and was violently pounding the door while the children were watching, is a good place to begin. You have the police report from that, and there will be a record of which neighbors were so concerned that they called the police.
You need to gather evidence to prove your assertions. If you can tape or video what she does, and that is admissable in court in your state, that would be evidence. Having the marriage counselor's views on record, after your wife showed up drunk, adds an impartial third party's view to the record.
Your wife's alcoholism seems to have progressed into chaos and violence, both verbal and physical. She is no longer acting like a mother and wife; her capacity to love and to mother is so compromised that she is now a detriment to the family, no matter how unable she is to comprehend that.
This "new to alcoholism" SR forum has been very supportive and given you lots of insight. You might also want to post to the "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" SR forum. People there have had to handle similar situations to yours and may be able to tell you more about how they handled them.
We're all here for you, and especially for your children who need all the protection they can get.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 11
Good Afternoon SR Group - I wanted to re-post and update you on my story and how it has come to a head.
Its now been 4 months since my last post. As you can imagine there have been many more nights similar to my posts back in June. More incidents involving the police, isolation, fear, and disappointment. The children have gotten worse and life is un-manageable. My step-son has internalized all of his emotions and is not better for it. His rage/anger towards his mother is toxic. My daughter is more vocal and is pushing back to her mom… This only adds fuel to the victimization that my wife needs to continue her path of destruction.
This last Sunday night my wife decided after two weeks of sobriety that she is an adult and can drink if she wants. This started as a casual conversation in which she wanted to share her thoughts with me as if I had control over her choices… Same song and dance. I told her that if she made the choice to drink I will be forced to file separation. Myself and our children have suffered through to much to look at her and accept her drinking as a normal behavior. I left the house to run errands. Called several hours later to find a drunken enraged wife on the other end. She made the choice to drink and she did not care if I filed for divorce or not. Knowing what was at home I chose to isolate myself from the home and did not go there until after 2100. I worked on the separation paperwork and started to plan how I can ignite change. When I got home I found two empty bottles of wine and a fifth of rum that she was working on. I took the bottle and hid it. Also found her car keys and hid them as well.
My plan was to remain calm and let the night play out. In the morning I was going to present her with the legal separation paperwork and inform her that she cannot drive her car until she chooses sobriety…. The night was fun but not very eventful. I woke up the next morning very early, got ready for work, and sat in the kitchen waiting for my wife and kids to get ready for school. I was waiting as I was planning on dropping them off at school. Come to find out she was planning to pack up and drive north to our old home… She couldn’t do this without her keys. When she went to look for them I told her that as she has continued to drink and drive with the kids daily I will no longer allow her to drive the car…. Cops are called…. They arrive… enraged wife explains the story to the cops… nothing they can do to help her as the car is registered to me. They told me that it was petty that I took her keys. I told them that I have reported the car several times for drinking and driving… no action was taken on their part… They said she is not drunk now, nothing they can do. Cops left and she was hell bent on packing up her and our kids belongings and leaving. I gave her two options to leave one was same day plane tickets and the second was to rent a van large enough for her to take the things that she needed. She opted for the van. I took her to the rental agency and we got her the vehicle… I went home and started washing all the clothes so her and our children would not be packing dirty laundry. Few hours go by and the wife uses the rental car and buys her alcohol proceeds to get drunk and pack all her belongings into plastic bags…. It was a rough night!! Lots of tears and regrets. My wife packed the car full, took the kids, and left the next morning. Was the hardest day of my life waving goodbye to the two children that I had been raising for almost 8 years.
I will be attending my first al-anon meeting tonight and am looking forward to a more personal outreach to help the healing. I thank all of you for your support in the beginning and wish that I would have taken her keys a long time ago… This phase in my life will be hard. Knowing that the children are gone and divorce is imminent, life will be changing soon. I thank you all again for your stories and this forum. If not for all your stories I would not have the courage to make a stand.
Its now been 4 months since my last post. As you can imagine there have been many more nights similar to my posts back in June. More incidents involving the police, isolation, fear, and disappointment. The children have gotten worse and life is un-manageable. My step-son has internalized all of his emotions and is not better for it. His rage/anger towards his mother is toxic. My daughter is more vocal and is pushing back to her mom… This only adds fuel to the victimization that my wife needs to continue her path of destruction.
This last Sunday night my wife decided after two weeks of sobriety that she is an adult and can drink if she wants. This started as a casual conversation in which she wanted to share her thoughts with me as if I had control over her choices… Same song and dance. I told her that if she made the choice to drink I will be forced to file separation. Myself and our children have suffered through to much to look at her and accept her drinking as a normal behavior. I left the house to run errands. Called several hours later to find a drunken enraged wife on the other end. She made the choice to drink and she did not care if I filed for divorce or not. Knowing what was at home I chose to isolate myself from the home and did not go there until after 2100. I worked on the separation paperwork and started to plan how I can ignite change. When I got home I found two empty bottles of wine and a fifth of rum that she was working on. I took the bottle and hid it. Also found her car keys and hid them as well.
My plan was to remain calm and let the night play out. In the morning I was going to present her with the legal separation paperwork and inform her that she cannot drive her car until she chooses sobriety…. The night was fun but not very eventful. I woke up the next morning very early, got ready for work, and sat in the kitchen waiting for my wife and kids to get ready for school. I was waiting as I was planning on dropping them off at school. Come to find out she was planning to pack up and drive north to our old home… She couldn’t do this without her keys. When she went to look for them I told her that as she has continued to drink and drive with the kids daily I will no longer allow her to drive the car…. Cops are called…. They arrive… enraged wife explains the story to the cops… nothing they can do to help her as the car is registered to me. They told me that it was petty that I took her keys. I told them that I have reported the car several times for drinking and driving… no action was taken on their part… They said she is not drunk now, nothing they can do. Cops left and she was hell bent on packing up her and our kids belongings and leaving. I gave her two options to leave one was same day plane tickets and the second was to rent a van large enough for her to take the things that she needed. She opted for the van. I took her to the rental agency and we got her the vehicle… I went home and started washing all the clothes so her and our children would not be packing dirty laundry. Few hours go by and the wife uses the rental car and buys her alcohol proceeds to get drunk and pack all her belongings into plastic bags…. It was a rough night!! Lots of tears and regrets. My wife packed the car full, took the kids, and left the next morning. Was the hardest day of my life waving goodbye to the two children that I had been raising for almost 8 years.
I will be attending my first al-anon meeting tonight and am looking forward to a more personal outreach to help the healing. I thank all of you for your support in the beginning and wish that I would have taken her keys a long time ago… This phase in my life will be hard. Knowing that the children are gone and divorce is imminent, life will be changing soon. I thank you all again for your stories and this forum. If not for all your stories I would not have the courage to make a stand.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
BayArea,
You might find more help and support on the Friends & Family forum.
I just read through your thread and didn't notice any mention of Child Protective Services. Are they aware of the situation? It doesn't sound like the kids will be safe with her...
You might find more help and support on the Friends & Family forum.
I just read through your thread and didn't notice any mention of Child Protective Services. Are they aware of the situation? It doesn't sound like the kids will be safe with her...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 11
LexieCat - CPS will be a last ditch effort to protect them. I am very concerned about them, however as they are not my children the laws govern a bit different as I cannot demand custody unless the maternal parents are deceased... I was forced to watch her drive away and was powerless.
She is now without a car. If the kids tell me that their mother is driving drunk I will report to the local police in her area... She has not be physically violent with them yet. I am hopeful that she will find peace in her new home and not get worse. Too soon to tell...
Thank you for your response the Friends and Family Forum is very helpful!
She is now without a car. If the kids tell me that their mother is driving drunk I will report to the local police in her area... She has not be physically violent with them yet. I am hopeful that she will find peace in her new home and not get worse. Too soon to tell...
Thank you for your response the Friends and Family Forum is very helpful!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You may not be able to demand custody, but the kids would certainly be better off with their grandparents than a drunk mom, it would seem. Are the grandparents aware of the situation?
Hopefully the kids will keep you posted on how things are going at home.
Sorry you're having to deal with this--it sounds very difficult.
Hopefully the kids will keep you posted on how things are going at home.
Sorry you're having to deal with this--it sounds very difficult.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I agree with Lexie. I understand they are not your children and you cannot demand custody, but nevertheless, their mother is not capable of taking care of them and they need someone to speak up for them. I'm sorry for your situation, but I do hope you do what you can to place the children in a safe environment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
So sorry you weren't able to give a more cheerful update, but in lots of ways it is a positive one for you. Good luck with the Al-Anon meetings and outreach.
Did you contact her parents - it might be worth filling them in on what has happened and explaining that you do still love and care for the children very much and that you are concerned for their well-being. If you contact the children, hopefully if letters go via their grandparents they will get them.
Try to make it to those meetings and outreach sooner rather than later.
Well done for sticking to your guns and not enabling her further.
Did you contact her parents - it might be worth filling them in on what has happened and explaining that you do still love and care for the children very much and that you are concerned for their well-being. If you contact the children, hopefully if letters go via their grandparents they will get them.
Try to make it to those meetings and outreach sooner rather than later.
Well done for sticking to your guns and not enabling her further.
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