Relapsed yesterday, heartbroken :-(
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
IYCD....first off hugs to you and well done getting right back up!
A few weeks ago I drank. I was about a week shy of 6 months, so I totally get it. Like you, I immediately got myself up and back here and I've been sober since.
And yeah, my AV was hounding me to keep drinking....I'd already failed so what was the point of trying again and other such nonsense....but I immediately came back with 'I don't drink' and little by little the voice has gotten quieter.
It's not silent by any means, and I don't know if it ever will be, but every time we remind it that We Don't Drink and go about our business and stay abstinent, that voice gets quieter and quieter. We are essentially starving it.
Remember that your AV is a known liar. I don't take advice from liars anymore and I'm sure you don't want to either. Those six months aren't lost by any means! They are still YOURS! We can so do this!
Xoxo
A few weeks ago I drank. I was about a week shy of 6 months, so I totally get it. Like you, I immediately got myself up and back here and I've been sober since.
And yeah, my AV was hounding me to keep drinking....I'd already failed so what was the point of trying again and other such nonsense....but I immediately came back with 'I don't drink' and little by little the voice has gotten quieter.
It's not silent by any means, and I don't know if it ever will be, but every time we remind it that We Don't Drink and go about our business and stay abstinent, that voice gets quieter and quieter. We are essentially starving it.
Remember that your AV is a known liar. I don't take advice from liars anymore and I'm sure you don't want to either. Those six months aren't lost by any means! They are still YOURS! We can so do this!
Xoxo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by IfYouCanDream 
Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much it means to me today to receive all this support. I'm feeling so low and worthless today and having someone who understands means the world to me. Thank you SR community. I'd be lost without you. I contacted my sponsor to tell her I had a bad craving but fought through it (that's what I thought at that moment).
When the craving came back on with double force I felt like my body wasn't my body. I had known to come here or call for help but when that craving came on it didn't even cross my mind. Some terrible darkness took over and it just happened. Today I'm dismayed - it's so easy to f*** up! Very sober. You couldn't pay me enough to take a drink today. The emptiness I felt with that wine glass in my hand is impossible to describe. How easily can one forget over the course of several months... I'll remember better this time.
When the craving came back on with double force I felt like my body wasn't my body. I had known to come here or call for help but when that craving came on it didn't even cross my mind. Some terrible darkness took over and it just happened. Today I'm dismayed - it's so easy to f*** up! Very sober. You couldn't pay me enough to take a drink today. The emptiness I felt with that wine glass in my hand is impossible to describe. How easily can one forget over the course of several months... I'll remember better this time.Hang in there. I relapsed after 5.5 years and it sucks! I try not to focus on how much "time" I have now...I just focus on today. :-)
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Originally Posted by IfYouCanDream
The emptiness I felt with that wine glass in my hand is impossible to describe.
No doubt you have gained a lot and learned a bunch over the last months of your journey. This is a continuum and you are on your way! Good for being exactly here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
Originally Posted by brynn
And yeah, my AV was hounding me to keep drinking....I'd already failed so what was the point of trying again and other such nonsense...
"It still counts as one relapse, whether it's one evening or one month"
"You gotta start counting from zero anyways"
"It wasn't fun that time, it surely will be this time"
"You could easily pull off drinking till the end of the summer and then get sober"
In my wildest dreams have I expected for AV to get this loud and vicious. I feel like with this 2 hours long drinking session I opened a whole new Pandora's box.
So not worth it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: n/a
Posts: 225
It does suck it's not pleasurable at all is it. It just makes you miserable and regret everything and hate yourself so much more . At first it seems like a good idea no biggy...anyways turn it around and get back on track just a little bump in the road don't let it stop you now .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
Originally Posted by foryoumyson
It does suck it's not pleasurable at all is it. It just makes you miserable and regret everything and hate yourself so much more
I was expecting buzz, high, pleasure, joy, excitement and what not.
Couldn't be further from the truth.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by IfYouCanDream
It feels like it happened to someone else... Like I watched it in a movie.
I drank. Being 2 weeks shy of 6 months :-(
There was absolutely nothing pleasurable about it. It felt so wrong, yet I went and did it anyway. Do I hate myself today? Oh, very much so.
There was no pleasure, no buzz, just nasty and overwhelming anxiety ('it's not working like it should, maybe drink it faster!')
There was no cool breeze, no sunshine in my hair and no frosty, cold glass of white wine. That's how I pictured it for months and that's what I felt deprived of.
Well, it was nothing like that. It felt wrong, dirty and anxious.
I'm typing it all out to all of you with similar romantic images in your heads. Don't be fooled. IT'S ALL A TERRIBLE LIE.
I'm also typing it to be accountable because I'm not going to lie anymore. I shared my triumphs here, I will share this failure.
It hurts, it really hurts.
Any words of encouragement and strength will be welcomed. I really need a hug now
I drank. Being 2 weeks shy of 6 months :-(
There was absolutely nothing pleasurable about it. It felt so wrong, yet I went and did it anyway. Do I hate myself today? Oh, very much so.
There was no pleasure, no buzz, just nasty and overwhelming anxiety ('it's not working like it should, maybe drink it faster!')
There was no cool breeze, no sunshine in my hair and no frosty, cold glass of white wine. That's how I pictured it for months and that's what I felt deprived of.
Well, it was nothing like that. It felt wrong, dirty and anxious.
I'm typing it all out to all of you with similar romantic images in your heads. Don't be fooled. IT'S ALL A TERRIBLE LIE.
I'm also typing it to be accountable because I'm not going to lie anymore. I shared my triumphs here, I will share this failure.
It hurts, it really hurts.
Any words of encouragement and strength will be welcomed. I really need a hug now
It's like another version of me takes over and promises thrills that never come true. All I'm left with is a sense of utter disappointment. Disappointed YES but there is a part of me that the thrill is gone. It has made it easier and easier to resist any urges that may come along. If all I'm gonna get is a handover to deal with then I can easily say no. I believe...so can you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi IYCD, sounds pretty straight forward to me. You had an experiment, and you got your results. You were honest about those results, so having experience being sober, you surely know proceed from there correct? Keep us posted.
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