Very common topic to post, this is mine
 

I married my wife 11 years ago, and I have become really good friends with her 3 brothers. They are great guys. I'm particularly tight with the youngest one, he's my age, and he is a general construction contractor in Los Angeles. We talk on the phone 2-3 times a week. I'd say he's we've become about as close to best friends as men our age can. One of the main reasons is that I can help him in my line of work, and he can helps me. We often call each while at our jobs to resolve issues etc... My wife and I go there about twice a year to visit (we own the house). BUT, he is a heavy drinker, dare I say an alcoholic. No big surprise in this line of work. When we go out there I usually go to the jobs with him and learn a lot of stuff, but after work its meat on the grill, sit on the patio and drink. Laugh until our stomachs hurt. Discuss intelligent stuff, but also a fair amount of drunk talk. When I went on my historic bender 2 winters ago, I showed up in LA for the funeral drunk as I drank the whole flight there...I had to. He was more than willing to join me in the "fun". But when I got back I got down to business and changed my ways. He hasn't. He has only been to Minnesota once, and that was for our wedding. Never been back. Called me today, he's coming on the 2nd or 3rd of July. Obviously this presents a challenge. I can't drink. Even if I could, I've limited myself to the weekend warrior status since 2012 with the exception of the 1 bad bender I mentioned. How do I entertain a guy who likes to drink his beers and carry on, when I can't/won't drink? I certainly can't cave in and join him. At the end of the day, the reason for this post is that I've got a problem coming my way and not sure how to handle it. It's not even fair to say its a "problem" as he's a really good friend. So, I'm leaning on the SR family for help and suggestions.

I think honesty is the best policy. Don't ask for his permission - stick up for your sobriety and if he wants to drink, let him drink. You're going to encounter alot of opposition with this decision and it wont just be with family. It's your choice. Whether you think you can or think you cant you're right- the choice is yours.

I'd go even further. Make your house a dry zone.

D

Don't straddle the fence. It is too hard. Make a decision for yourself and stick to it come hell or high water. It matters not 2 sh*** what others want or think. It's all about you and your needs. Period

My suggestion is what Dee said. And I would let him know in advance so that he does not come unprepared and won't get disappointed on the spot.

I think that being a devoted friend does not mean that we need to provide our friends with every instant gratification they like, including company for it. There are many ways to much more genuinely please a friend if you would like to do that. Or perhaps not please right there, but give him something memorable that will make him think beyond your time spent together -- eg. perhaps tell him about your sobriety? And if he desperately wants to drink, let him go after a short visit and let him do it elsewhere.

Being around alcohol, especially someone getting drunk, is an enormous trigger in early sobriety for most people. Even more so an old drinking buddy that reminds us of your old times.

I agree with Dee. Let him know ahead of time that there is no alcohol in the house. It sounds like you are very good friends and I really hope this turns out well for you.

The truth shall set you free, my friend. It has me many times on this journey.
If you don't tell him, you'll leave the door open to drinking.

The 'ol drinkin' buddies are a common topic here. And for good reason. Many of us have had to face it.

You've received some excellent feedback here. I wasn't entirely sure when you said "entertain him" whether that meant he will be staying at your home (if so, it sounds like he invited himself) or that he'll be at your place but not for the whole visit.

I can only add that in addition to having a dry house, whether he's with you for all or part of the time, you need to be upfront with him. A thoughtful email can help a lot.

I'd lay it on the line honestly. Something like this:

"Both before and after my recent accident, I've had to ask some hard questions about myself and my drinking. As part of that process, I am no longer drinking. It has made me feel better about myself, my business and my marriage to your sister, who is the world to me.

"I want to let you know in advance that there will not be alcohol in our home. It's the right thing for me -- and your sister. I also wanted to do the right thing by you and let you know about this in advance.

"I'm really at peace with my decision and thank you in advance for supporting me. It's going to be really great to see you here in Minnesota."

How's that work for you?

Jeff this guy knows about your accident I take it? This would be the reason he's coming, to see how you are going? This is actually a perfect opportunity for you to lay all your cards on the table.

Thanks you guys, you have given me some things to chew on. I have some time, but not much. We are going to have a conversation prior to arrival for sure. I wont succumb to peer pressure so we can set that aside. I am too old for crap. On the other hand, a dry house might be going a little too far. At least that's my initial thought. He will be staying at our home the entire time. I'll keep everyone posted even though this topic has been beaten too death. I really appreciate the input.

I think you pretty much nailed it. Lay it out there. If he doesn't like it, just because I won't drink with him, he can always fly home. On the other hand, it might open his eyes that we can enjoy each others company without booze involved. In fact, I think he needs that.

I thought a dry house was too far, and I also thought peer pressure wouldn't get me.

After I had my butt handed to me a few hundred times, I got it.

I'm not saying you can't or won't stay sober Jeff - but it's not going to be fun watching someone else get smashed.

if it's a choice between you being miserable or your brotherinlaw? I know which I'd pick.

D

We just tell people ahead of time that there is no alcohol in our home. We have one dear friend who brings a few NA beers when he comes over and the BF and he work on cars, or other projects. I know, NA beer has a little alcohol etc. but he doesn't get sloppy drunk ever. There is also no MJ allowed in our home. It's legal here but I don't like it so I laid down the law. I clean cat box and he who cleans the cat box makes the rules. LOL It's ok to have boundaries and stick to them. It took me years to learn that.

Took some advice, talked to my brother in law this morning. Did not make the house an alcohol free zone, but made it clear I can't drink and I will not drink. So his beer drinking is his responsibility. He not only understood, but anticipated it, so it made it easier. He's pumped to spend my time with my father. My father built casinos all over the US including the Stratosphere, the Stardust, most of Grand Casino's in Minnesota, Mississippi, and Louisiana. So my construction buddies think he walks on water, and of course my dad hates that, haha. He loves telling construction stories. I actually like listening to hear his stories about Las Vegas. As you can imagine, Vegas has alot of secrets, he knows a few of them. It's mind blowing. Regarding my brother in law, it'll be fine. But I will keep everyone updated if there are any issues.

Great to hear you had a chat with him!! :)