Do your husbands/wives/partners make you ANGRY?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Do your husbands/wives/partners make you ANGRY?
I really need help...I'm struggling right now. :-(
I woke up this morning (sober and hangover free b/c I didn't drink yesterday) and my husband was singing in the kitchen. I just wanted to punch him in the face!!! Explanation below....
Since I relapsed last year I just feel so angry at him all the time! I think the main reason is during my 5.5 years of sobriety he kept drinking. It seemed like the only time he really had a "good time" was when he had a drink in his hand. If I told him I was feeling weak and asked him not to drink at a social event or something he would pout and seem like he was miserable. I finally got to the point where I would just tell him to drink and deal with it or I would not go!
We went on a date to the movies once early in my sobriety in 2008 and he looked over at a bar on our way there and said he had more fun when we drank together and he wished we could go in and have a drink. That bothered me the entire time I was sober. I always felt "less than" because I couldn't drink. I felt like I was depriving him of the person he "thought" he married.
Jeeze!!! Just typing this right now is giving me a huge craving! Shut up AV!
When we first met and early in our marriage we partied all the time. Then one day I became an alcoholic and he didn't. I had to stop.
Anyway....after 5.5 years of watching him drink and feeling inadequate, I decided to drink again. If he wasn't going to fit in to my "sober world" then I would try to fit into his "drinking world". FAIL! :-(
Sooooo.....I'm not totally blaming him for my relapse last year but I'm just very angry at him all the time. Just the sound of his voice makes me want to smack him! Maybe we need counseling but I was trying to wait until I had a little more sobriety. I truly fear for our marriage. He says he's 100% committed but I just can't stand him anymore! I don't want to put our kids through a divorce though. I was a child of divorce and to this day it still sucks! I wouldn't do anything until after at least a year of sobriety though. I don't trust my decisions right now.
Anyone relate to this? Sorry to start so many threads lately. I just need to get all this crap out so I don't drink over it. Knowing you guys care helps so much!
I woke up this morning (sober and hangover free b/c I didn't drink yesterday) and my husband was singing in the kitchen. I just wanted to punch him in the face!!! Explanation below....
Since I relapsed last year I just feel so angry at him all the time! I think the main reason is during my 5.5 years of sobriety he kept drinking. It seemed like the only time he really had a "good time" was when he had a drink in his hand. If I told him I was feeling weak and asked him not to drink at a social event or something he would pout and seem like he was miserable. I finally got to the point where I would just tell him to drink and deal with it or I would not go!
We went on a date to the movies once early in my sobriety in 2008 and he looked over at a bar on our way there and said he had more fun when we drank together and he wished we could go in and have a drink. That bothered me the entire time I was sober. I always felt "less than" because I couldn't drink. I felt like I was depriving him of the person he "thought" he married.
Jeeze!!! Just typing this right now is giving me a huge craving! Shut up AV!
When we first met and early in our marriage we partied all the time. Then one day I became an alcoholic and he didn't. I had to stop.
Anyway....after 5.5 years of watching him drink and feeling inadequate, I decided to drink again. If he wasn't going to fit in to my "sober world" then I would try to fit into his "drinking world". FAIL! :-(
Sooooo.....I'm not totally blaming him for my relapse last year but I'm just very angry at him all the time. Just the sound of his voice makes me want to smack him! Maybe we need counseling but I was trying to wait until I had a little more sobriety. I truly fear for our marriage. He says he's 100% committed but I just can't stand him anymore! I don't want to put our kids through a divorce though. I was a child of divorce and to this day it still sucks! I wouldn't do anything until after at least a year of sobriety though. I don't trust my decisions right now.
Anyone relate to this? Sorry to start so many threads lately. I just need to get all this crap out so I don't drink over it. Knowing you guys care helps so much!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I can relate to this today. Last night my boyfriend and I were invited to our friends house.... I declined because I knew heavy drinking would be involved. I cannot say that I am 100% sober all the time but I am trying to drink less so I have been actively avoiding drinking situations. Instead I took my son to a bbq hosted by a parent from his school, dropped my son at his dads and came home and crashed on the couch while watching a movie (I was tired from a long work week).
I have no idea what time my bf rolled in but it was the middle of the night because around 5:30 am I woke up to my dog barking at the back door and scratching to be let back inside..... My bf was passed out half on and half off the bed. I love my dog better than I do most people and I'm not ok with her being left outside in the middle of the night.
So yes I can relate to being angry with my drinking partner. BTW it's 2pm and he's still passed out.... completely broken from drinking too much.
I have no idea what time my bf rolled in but it was the middle of the night because around 5:30 am I woke up to my dog barking at the back door and scratching to be let back inside..... My bf was passed out half on and half off the bed. I love my dog better than I do most people and I'm not ok with her being left outside in the middle of the night.
So yes I can relate to being angry with my drinking partner. BTW it's 2pm and he's still passed out.... completely broken from drinking too much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
It's hard, isn't it? Sometimes I think it would be easier to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't drink AT ALL! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my LONG post & reply Zen!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
I can't actually relate to your situation of being the non-drinking partner of someone who's still drinking. I never experienced that one, so as to the specifics of that, I can't identify.
What prompted me to respond though was the idea of you being able to vent your anger in safety - much like here :-) Now, anger, I do know that one, even if the specifics are different :-)
I'm wondering if it would help you to go for counselling alone first? For me, talking helps clarify - is there something different I need to do? Is there something I'd like my partner to do differently, that I can identify by working alone with a trusted listener first? It also helps me, sometimes after the event, consider what is reasonable, practical, and what perhaps is not, and identify what belongs to me, and is mine to work on. That process may help if you do decide to suggest couples counselling.
Am also wondering if, the thoughts you expressed here to us - the feeling of being inadequate for not being able for drink, and of depriving him of the person he thought he married - you have ever expressed to him? That may not be a way forward, but I was curious. I also thought in reading it, those are pretty harsh judgements on yourself - I would bet you have much, much more to offer than only being a drinking buddy and party girl?
Perhaps in his saying that you two had more fun together when you could drink together is a very clumsily expressed wish that you could just have fun, with or without alcohol. There is something in your post about being on tender-hooks around each other, and my experience too, there is something about early recovery that made me at least, very tense at first. I had yet to let go is why.
Be as gentle with yourself as you can today, and take it steady.
What prompted me to respond though was the idea of you being able to vent your anger in safety - much like here :-) Now, anger, I do know that one, even if the specifics are different :-)
I'm wondering if it would help you to go for counselling alone first? For me, talking helps clarify - is there something different I need to do? Is there something I'd like my partner to do differently, that I can identify by working alone with a trusted listener first? It also helps me, sometimes after the event, consider what is reasonable, practical, and what perhaps is not, and identify what belongs to me, and is mine to work on. That process may help if you do decide to suggest couples counselling.
Am also wondering if, the thoughts you expressed here to us - the feeling of being inadequate for not being able for drink, and of depriving him of the person he thought he married - you have ever expressed to him? That may not be a way forward, but I was curious. I also thought in reading it, those are pretty harsh judgements on yourself - I would bet you have much, much more to offer than only being a drinking buddy and party girl?
Perhaps in his saying that you two had more fun together when you could drink together is a very clumsily expressed wish that you could just have fun, with or without alcohol. There is something in your post about being on tender-hooks around each other, and my experience too, there is something about early recovery that made me at least, very tense at first. I had yet to let go is why.
Be as gentle with yourself as you can today, and take it steady.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by Serenidad 
It's hard, isn't it? Sometimes I think it would be easier to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't drink AT ALL! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my LONG post & reply Zen!
Of all the men I've dated he is the least alcoholic.... I think I used to pick men who behaved worse than I did so I could always feel like the "better" one in the relationship..... like no matter how bad I was I wasn't as bad as him........
I am changing my ways but he is his own person making his own choices. I can't do a thing about it. He can do X thing and I will have X reaction and vice versa. I have certainly been guilty of doing stupid things while drinking.... I'm in no position to lay down judgement on someone else.
Would it be easier to be with someone who doesn't drink? I don't know..... I don't think they would get me or be able to relate to what I've been through.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I can't relate to being married but I can relate to other people drinking and me having to deal with it, whether that's friends, family, work colleagues, alcohol at times can be everywhere as that's the world we live in and there always seems to be some occasion happening, birthdays, weddings, Xmas, New Years, celebrations in work, leaving drinks, it never seems to end!!
For me detaching myself and focusing on my own Sobriety needed to happen, what other people do I can't expect them to change or fit into my own plan, instead I need to fit my plan in around them, so choosing what events to attend, controlling my feelings/emotions around others, not resenting what they can do and I can't was important.
I've come to learn we can't live in a bubble, away from alcohol, but we can certainly create boundaries and manage our own mind frame around it, but I think this is a skill required whether a partner drinks or not, as a Sober couple will still go out to dinner, and across the way will be people drinking and so the cycle of resentment would be never ending regardless and so we need to keep it in check within ourselves!!
For me detaching myself and focusing on my own Sobriety needed to happen, what other people do I can't expect them to change or fit into my own plan, instead I need to fit my plan in around them, so choosing what events to attend, controlling my feelings/emotions around others, not resenting what they can do and I can't was important.
I've come to learn we can't live in a bubble, away from alcohol, but we can certainly create boundaries and manage our own mind frame around it, but I think this is a skill required whether a partner drinks or not, as a Sober couple will still go out to dinner, and across the way will be people drinking and so the cycle of resentment would be never ending regardless and so we need to keep it in check within ourselves!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
Have you started thinking what you want out of the relationship? Do you want counseling? Do you want a divorce? Is what you want realistic of the relationship?
You're going to have to start making some tough decisions. I got to a point several years ago where something had to give since I was miserable. I eventually did make some tough choices and things worked out better than what I anticipated, but it took me some time to figure out how to proceed. It sounds like you are in the same boat.
You're going to have to start making some tough decisions. I got to a point several years ago where something had to give since I was miserable. I eventually did make some tough choices and things worked out better than what I anticipated, but it took me some time to figure out how to proceed. It sounds like you are in the same boat.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I'm ready to punch my husband's lights out today but that's because he got drunk last night and kept waking me up when I needed to be resting because I'm hosting our daughter's birthday party. I have managed to stay sober throughout his relapse but honestly, my patience is wearing thin with the drunkenness and no help around the house.
That would have been me if I kept drinking. I'm glad you didn't drink. I'm taking the time to contemplate whether this marriage is compatible. What do you want out of it? I'm glad you didn't drink last night. I'm functioning on three hours of sleep. Wouldn't be able to do that hungover.
That would have been me if I kept drinking. I'm glad you didn't drink. I'm taking the time to contemplate whether this marriage is compatible. What do you want out of it? I'm glad you didn't drink last night. I'm functioning on three hours of sleep. Wouldn't be able to do that hungover.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by strategery
Have you started thinking what you want out of the relationship? Do you want counseling? Do you want a divorce? Is what you want realistic of the relationship? You're going to have to start making some tough decisions. I got to a point several years ago where something had to give since I was miserable. I eventually did make some tough choices and things worked out better than what I anticipated, but it took me some time to figure out how to proceed. It sounds like you are in the same boat.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by Ruby2
I'm ready to punch my husband's lights out today but that's because he got drunk last night and kept waking me up when I needed to be resting because I'm hosting our daughter's birthday party. I have managed to stay sober throughout his relapse but honestly, my patience is wearing thin with the drunkenness and no help around the house. That would have been me if I kept drinking. I'm glad you didn't drink. I'm taking the time to contemplate whether this marriage is compatible. What do you want out of it? I'm glad you didn't drink last night. I'm functioning on three hours of sleep. Wouldn't be able to do that hungover.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
If you want to smack him and you can't stand him anymore, then I would say you need counseling or to bail out. The stress of living with someone who you detest can really drag you down, make you weak and possibly make you want to drink. Do something about this post haste!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 562
Hmmmmm.......I'm not married never was never will be.......and I never have dated men that drink...that's kinda strange since I was always drunk.....I think the advice to talk it out w someone first is a good idea.....I think he should support you at events where alcohol is served and not drink......he drinks on Fridays when he plays baseball. My rule is no one is allowed to bring alcohol into my home and I don't hangout w people that drink. It's pure torture to me and boring has hell to watch people drink. I'm a little harsh sometimes though but I'm not apologizing for it....I'm just saying.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North FLA
Posts: 115
Serenidad as the embarassed veteran of two divorces, both of which involved children, I can tell you that most times people don't change who they are. For instance I am an alcoholic. That will never change. All I can do is NOT Drink. My first wife didn't love me and want to be married and my second wife wanted to be married but is a morally polluted person.
Both sets of my children are better for the divorces. Can't tell you about yours or how would affect them but mine are way better off. They would all agree.
Children are way more resilient than we think. You should ask yourself, "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person as he is now? After the children are grown?" Because most people will ever be that much different.
You deserve happiness and I hope you find it with your husband because divorce should always be avoided if possible but sometimes it can't. My best to you.
Your sobriety trumps everything in your situation. Kids come first and can't raise them and lead a good example by being loaded all the time.
My best to you and stay strong and sober.
OMB
Both sets of my children are better for the divorces. Can't tell you about yours or how would affect them but mine are way better off. They would all agree.
Children are way more resilient than we think. You should ask yourself, "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person as he is now? After the children are grown?" Because most people will ever be that much different.
You deserve happiness and I hope you find it with your husband because divorce should always be avoided if possible but sometimes it can't. My best to you.
Your sobriety trumps everything in your situation. Kids come first and can't raise them and lead a good example by being loaded all the time.
My best to you and stay strong and sober.
OMB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
When I was drinking nightly, my wife would get pretty argumentative, and sometimes be downright wrong, but I kept my mouth shut because deep down I knew I was a drunk, and didn't have a leg to stand on to "fight back". I let it slide. Now that things have changed (still not perfect), when she is out of line, I do fight back, because I'm not ashamed of my behavior (again, I have my moments and everyone here knows that). I am 100% on the ball 90% of the time or more. And she knows it. So I can relate to your situation, its just in reverse.
Sorry I have to ask this, but I am a bit confused, do I have this right: you were sober for 5.5 years, relapsed and now are still battling or have you recently quit? And your husband still drinks, but isn't an alcoholic?
Sorry I have to ask this, but I am a bit confused, do I have this right: you were sober for 5.5 years, relapsed and now are still battling or have you recently quit? And your husband still drinks, but isn't an alcoholic?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
