Birthdays, Anniversaries, Messing With My Head a Little
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Birthdays, Anniversaries, Messing With My Head a Little
Hmmm, not sure if I'll actually post this, but feel like it needs out of my system. If it helps another person, that would make me grateful.
I'm about 2 years, 4 months sober. I read on sr every day, post a few times a week. I see myself in so many of you who post, almost all of you in fact! I'm thankful for this site and all of the honesty and hope here.
Well, today is my birthday, yippee! I do love birthdays. This one is messing with my head though. I'm turning 43. It's almost the 30th anniversary of the day I walked Into my mother's bedroom and found her body. You would think after 30 years a person would be pretty much over it. I have come to terms with mom's death for the most part. But I sometimes get flashbacks of that day and that sight.
My mother was 43 when she died. I've kind of been dreading this birthday. She died from addiction. I was definitely on the same path for a while there. Thankfully I sobered up. I'm grateful that I found a solution, sad that she didn't have that chance, and for some silly reason worried I'm going to screw up and die this year. Stupid? Quite possibly. But who can I confess that to besides sr? I have some lovely real life friends whom I met here, I would normally reach out to them. But it's pretty late in all time zones at the moment.
Sooooo, the first question I ask myself is what am I doing for recovery? Well I'm fessing up my fears on here, that's good, right? I keep in touch with my recovery friends. I pray. I may have helped my alcoholic neighbor. (Only time will tell if my efforts helped for sure) I think it's time to do a little big book reading myself.
So I guess I'm saying I think I'm doing the right things. But the fear is still there. I'm not really afraid of drinking. It's more like I'm afraid of the possibility that even if I do my best to live in the solution, something will happen and the desire to drink will come back. Like I'm afraid I'm destined to go off the rails at 43, just like mom.
Intellectually, I know that's nonsense. But clearly it's entering my head anyway. Thanks for letting me confess!
I'm about 2 years, 4 months sober. I read on sr every day, post a few times a week. I see myself in so many of you who post, almost all of you in fact! I'm thankful for this site and all of the honesty and hope here.
Well, today is my birthday, yippee! I do love birthdays. This one is messing with my head though. I'm turning 43. It's almost the 30th anniversary of the day I walked Into my mother's bedroom and found her body. You would think after 30 years a person would be pretty much over it. I have come to terms with mom's death for the most part. But I sometimes get flashbacks of that day and that sight.
My mother was 43 when she died. I've kind of been dreading this birthday. She died from addiction. I was definitely on the same path for a while there. Thankfully I sobered up. I'm grateful that I found a solution, sad that she didn't have that chance, and for some silly reason worried I'm going to screw up and die this year. Stupid? Quite possibly. But who can I confess that to besides sr? I have some lovely real life friends whom I met here, I would normally reach out to them. But it's pretty late in all time zones at the moment.
Sooooo, the first question I ask myself is what am I doing for recovery? Well I'm fessing up my fears on here, that's good, right?
I keep in touch with my recovery friends. I pray. I may have helped my alcoholic neighbor. (Only time will tell if my efforts helped for sure) I think it's time to do a little big book reading myself. So I guess I'm saying I think I'm doing the right things. But the fear is still there. I'm not really afraid of drinking. It's more like I'm afraid of the possibility that even if I do my best to live in the solution, something will happen and the desire to drink will come back. Like I'm afraid I'm destined to go off the rails at 43, just like mom.
Intellectually, I know that's nonsense. But clearly it's entering my head anyway. Thanks for letting me confess!
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hello wehave ,
I'm so sorry about your mum she was very young .
I always see birthdays as a chance to kick the addiction in the pants very hard and determinedly live another glorious day sober on this planet we all share .
You get to kick it twice , one for your mum also what greater testament to our parents is there than us coping and dealing with life as best we can ?
You can do this , we are all with you , some people stumble but not everyone and it needn't be you either …
that old drinker voice in my head loves to demotivate me before i've even started too , you got this
Big birthday wishes * kicks addiction in the pants and runs towards freedom and happiness*
m
I'm so sorry about your mum she was very young .
I always see birthdays as a chance to kick the addiction in the pants very hard and determinedly live another glorious day sober on this planet we all share .
You get to kick it twice , one for your mum also
what greater testament to our parents is there than us coping and dealing with life as best we can ? You can do this , we are all with you , some people stumble but not everyone and it needn't be you either …
that old drinker voice in my head loves to demotivate me before i've even started too , you got this
Big birthday wishes * kicks addiction in the pants and runs towards freedom and happiness*
m
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Very sorry to hear of your mum!! 
You can definitely draw strength from being over 2 years Sober, you must be doing many things right and so gain comfort in that.
But I do relate to that fear, I can feel it now and again, but I think if we concentrate on doing what we can to do the right things, everything will be alright, we can't do any more than that.
Happy Birthday!!
You can definitely draw strength from being over 2 years Sober, you must be doing many things right and so gain comfort in that.
But I do relate to that fear, I can feel it now and again, but I think if we concentrate on doing what we can to do the right things, everything will be alright, we can't do any more than that.
Happy Birthday!!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Happy birthday, WeHav. I'm sorry you're struggling.
My cousin had the same foreboding when she turned 48: that was the age when her drunken mother floored it into an oncoming U-Haul truck.
Though upon the actual 48th birthday and for several weeks thereafter she was really nervous and worried, eventually the day-to-day concerns poked through and she just naturally lived in the moment more and more of the time.
She was highly relieved when she turned 49, though.
As far as drinking goes, just keep playing the tape to the end. When you really get right down to the muddyheadedness and the hangovers, the actual drinking probably doesn't hold that much appeal; it's the whole tragic spectre of the alcoholic state that haunts you, I would imagine.
My belief is that your 43rd birthday may have a lot of baggage, but there is no real evidence from your recent track record that you are likely to fall (or die) when all is said and done. From what I've seen, creepy recurrence stories only happen around the campfire late at night.
(((WeHav)))
My cousin had the same foreboding when she turned 48: that was the age when her drunken mother floored it into an oncoming U-Haul truck.
Though upon the actual 48th birthday and for several weeks thereafter she was really nervous and worried, eventually the day-to-day concerns poked through and she just naturally lived in the moment more and more of the time.
She was highly relieved when she turned 49, though.
As far as drinking goes, just keep playing the tape to the end. When you really get right down to the muddyheadedness and the hangovers, the actual drinking probably doesn't hold that much appeal; it's the whole tragic spectre of the alcoholic state that haunts you, I would imagine.
My belief is that your 43rd birthday may have a lot of baggage, but there is no real evidence from your recent track record that you are likely to fall (or die) when all is said and done. From what I've seen, creepy recurrence stories only happen around the campfire late at night.
(((WeHav)))
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Wehav, I get it. I have similar fears about turning the same age as my mother was when she died from her addiction. It's an odd feeling, isn't it?
Not much else to add, but wanted you to know I can relate well
Maybe it's some weird combination of wishing I could've saved her, not wanting to repeat the same mistakes ... and survivor's guilt.
*hugs*
Not much else to add, but wanted you to know I can relate well
Maybe it's some weird combination of wishing I could've saved her, not wanting to repeat the same mistakes ... and survivor's guilt.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hey my lovely, you have stepped right off that path that your Mum was on.
You are on the right path and have totally broken free. You are newly married, have a job that you love and live a healthy life. There is nothing to be scared of, nothing at all. Addiction can't grab you back unless you go looking for it. Pray to your God to relieve you of this fear.
Then go celebrate you birthday.
Love you girl ❤️ Xx
You are on the right path and have totally broken free. You are newly married, have a job that you love and live a healthy life. There is nothing to be scared of, nothing at all. Addiction can't grab you back unless you go looking for it. Pray to your God to relieve you of this fear.
Then go celebrate you birthday.
Love you girl ❤️ Xx
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
(((WeHav)))! Somehow early life traumatic memories become encapsulated in our brains and can recur periodically. I don't remember how many times I felt a good deal of foreboding about certain "anniversaries". Perhaps in addition to our AV, some of us also have a TV (Trauma Voice) and we expect bad things to happen, especially on or near these anniversaries. You have a lot of happiness in your life and you deserve that. You will get past this, too. Enjoy your birthday without the fear! 
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I can't really offer much other than we know that the mind can be very powerful, in both good and bad. Great on 2+ years. Very sorry hear the story about your mother. Yes, you would think 30 years would put some space between now and the day it happened. But its not so, correct? hang tough. Thoughts and prayers going your way.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Thanks everyone for the insight and hope. I'm not in any danger of drinking in the short term. I'm grateful to be free from the obsession to drink.
My fear I suppose, is that the obsession will come back. Or some twist of fate has me and this year is it. Typing this out helps me see how ridiculous it is. I need to do my best and pray about the rest, that's been working since I finished step 5.
Thank you! Yeah, while I don't wan time to fly by, I'm probably going to do a little dance when I turn 44.
My fear I suppose, is that the obsession will come back. Or some twist of fate has me and this year is it. Typing this out helps me see how ridiculous it is. I need to do my best and pray about the rest, that's been working since I finished step 5.
Thank you! Yeah, while I don't wan time to fly by, I'm probably going to do a little dance when I turn 44.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
We I somehow missed this post until now. I understand what you are saying, you've shared your childhood experience with we Marchers although I didn't know the exact age you were.
I think we can make numbers/years and other things fearful even though we know better intellectually. The perspective of being 43 may well give you insights into your mother's life and your own experience at 13. You've achieved incredible things in your forties, I can only see you continuing to make huge strides forward.
Happy birthday We!
I think we can make numbers/years and other things fearful even though we know better intellectually. The perspective of being 43 may well give you insights into your mother's life and your own experience at 13. You've achieved incredible things in your forties, I can only see you continuing to make huge strides forward.
Happy birthday We!
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