I'm torturing myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
I'm torturing myself
I really am. 
I apologize in advance for whining.
I bought a pint of vodka tonight feeling desperate for even a couple hours of 'feeling good'. I never feel good , ever, I live my life with such severe depression it's a task to get out of bed every day. I work 14 hour days sometimes (between the business & the household, kids, shopping, dogs...everything) I'm exhausted, lonely, sad, and I also live with chronic pain.
I poured a drink tonight, took a sip, and dumped it, dumped it all out.
I can't live with this crap and I can't live without it.
I'm struggling so bad with this, I don't know how I'll ever succeed.
I apologize in advance for whining. I bought a pint of vodka tonight feeling desperate for even a couple hours of 'feeling good'. I never feel good , ever, I live my life with such severe depression it's a task to get out of bed every day. I work 14 hour days sometimes (between the business & the household, kids, shopping, dogs...everything) I'm exhausted, lonely, sad, and I also live with chronic pain.
I poured a drink tonight, took a sip, and dumped it, dumped it all out.
I can't live with this crap and I can't live without it.
I'm struggling so bad with this, I don't know how I'll ever succeed.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 60
Welcome to SR jessie! You've come to the right place for support and advice. I can't provide advice on how great it will feel when you're sober, because today is only my day four. Part of the reason for that is that I landed in the hospital for three days to detox, a new low for me. I feel as though telling people other than my husband about my alcoholism and addiction lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders, and now I'm in the process of establishing a plan and getting help for my disease. Stick around. The people here understand what you're going through. Prayers to you that you will find the will, comfort and strength on your journey to sobriety and recovery. Way to go dumping that bottle out!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Welcome to SR, Jessie. If you stop drinking, you will feel less exhausted and depressed over time. However, there will be an adjustment phase.
Can you think of anything to lighten your load? Make you life easier? Even little things. I bought comfortable shoes and wash and wear clothes for work. I'm also not shy about skipping the make-up.
How old are your kids? Do they have chores?
Can you think of anything to lighten your load? Make you life easier? Even little things. I bought comfortable shoes and wash and wear clothes for work. I'm also not shy about skipping the make-up.
How old are your kids? Do they have chores?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Good to hear you dumped the vodka, Jessie. That's a good start.
Why not join your class here on SR? The classes are a tremendous resource.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
Why not join your class here on SR? The classes are a tremendous resource.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
Thank-you all for 'listening' to my rant I'm so teary tonight I'm heading to bed in a minute.
I filled the vodka bottle with water (husband knows I just spent 13 bucks for it), he doesn't care much if I drink.
My kids are teens. They do help me sometimes.
I think I will feel good about this in the morning but right now I'm crying over 'spilt' vodka.
UGH, it has to get easier.
I filled the vodka bottle with water (husband knows I just spent 13 bucks for it), he doesn't care much if I drink.
My kids are teens. They do help me sometimes.
I think I will feel good about this in the morning but right now I'm crying over 'spilt' vodka.
UGH, it has to get easier.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
MsJax, yes went to a doctor recently for depression and left feeling humiliated and cheated (I cried the entire visit and she looked at me like I was a nutcase), got a prescription and it did nothing. Doctor never did a follow-up or returned my phone calls so I went off of it, didn't want to go back.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Ah, okay, two teens and a husband. Make sure they are pulling their weight around the house. I recently went back to work and handed off enough responsibilities to my husband to preserve my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Jessie65, I think you are awesome!..you poured it out, that is great..
Hang in there ...it will get better. Load yourself up with all the tools for sobriety and make a plan.
Watch out for HALT (hungry angry lonely tired) ...and it sound that going on in truckloads.
The drinking, well, it just doesn't work in any way as a solution to anything, unless the goal is more despair...That is how it was for me...despair by the bucket loads.
Clarity and good mental health improve with sobriety.
Also, in the secular section there is some great info on AVRT/RR ..that helped me.
Hang in there ...it will get better. Load yourself up with all the tools for sobriety and make a plan.
Watch out for HALT (hungry angry lonely tired) ...and it sound that going on in truckloads.
The drinking, well, it just doesn't work in any way as a solution to anything, unless the goal is more despair...That is how it was for me...despair by the bucket loads.
Clarity and good mental health improve with sobriety.
Also, in the secular section there is some great info on AVRT/RR ..that helped me.
Formerly Ringthedoorbell
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 402
Good for you for pouring out the vodka Jessie.
I am so sorry you are having such a tough time.
We are all here for you and ready to support you. You are not alone.
Best wishes for a better tomorrow.
I am so sorry you are having such a tough time.
We are all here for you and ready to support you. You are not alone.
Best wishes for a better tomorrow.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Jessie 
I'm sorry things are rough. It's a real leap of faith to trust that not drinking will make things better - but it will, truly.
Unfortunately it's not an instantaneous change - but you have support here for the rough transitional period. There's lots more support in place like AA or other recovery groups too.
I hope you decide to give it a try
D
I'm sorry things are rough. It's a real leap of faith to trust that not drinking will make things better - but it will, truly.
Unfortunately it's not an instantaneous change - but you have support here for the rough transitional period. There's lots more support in place like AA or other recovery groups too.
I hope you decide to give it a try
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Jessie - well done for tipping the vodka away. You CAN do this.
I had pretty much the same experience with the Doctors. My boss then referred me for counselling, which helped a little bit (but not much to be honest - just don't like to sound ungrateful). What really made the difference for me was going to AA, meeting other ladies (and men) who related to me and I could talk to without fear of recriminations or judgement. When I started to work the 12-step program things REALLY started changing. My anxiety and depression lifted, and I started to grown in confidence. I can (at the moment) honestly say I'm happy. Even on a bad day. There is so much hope for us once we stop the cycle and decide that we want to recover and will go to any lengths to do so.
Can I recommend a couple of books (I always recommend these ones - I'm not on commission, they just really, really helped me) One is Living Sober and the other is Monkey on My Shoulder. They're both cheap as chips and available from Amazon in paper or Kindle versions.
For now, I'd suggest just focussing on one day at a time. Try to avoid common triggers for drinking (HALT: Hungry; Angry; Lonely; Tired) and let us know how you're getting on.
Take care.
I had pretty much the same experience with the Doctors. My boss then referred me for counselling, which helped a little bit (but not much to be honest - just don't like to sound ungrateful). What really made the difference for me was going to AA, meeting other ladies (and men) who related to me and I could talk to without fear of recriminations or judgement. When I started to work the 12-step program things REALLY started changing. My anxiety and depression lifted, and I started to grown in confidence. I can (at the moment) honestly say I'm happy. Even on a bad day. There is so much hope for us once we stop the cycle and decide that we want to recover and will go to any lengths to do so.
Can I recommend a couple of books (I always recommend these ones - I'm not on commission, they just really, really helped me) One is Living Sober and the other is Monkey on My Shoulder. They're both cheap as chips and available from Amazon in paper or Kindle versions.
For now, I'd suggest just focussing on one day at a time. Try to avoid common triggers for drinking (HALT: Hungry; Angry; Lonely; Tired) and let us know how you're getting on.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
Thank- you all The support here is amazing.
I am feeling stronger today, dumping the vodka after one sip is a milestone for me, I've never done that although came close a couple times but the craving usually won. It was an awful battle though,
I stood at the fridge forever willing myself to dump the bottle but I poured the drink anyway. Nothing like making this even harder for myself.
I've spent a lot of time trying to remember my state of mind right before I started drinking 10 years ago. I know I've had some minor depression my whole life but nothing like this. I believe I was unhappy with things in my life but I don't think I was actually depressed. I even remember feeling completely happy at times.
I'm starting to believe that the alcohol has caused this depression that I'm in.
Have a great sober day everybody.
The support here is amazing.I am feeling stronger today, dumping the vodka after one sip is a milestone for me, I've never done that although came close a couple times but the craving usually won. It was an awful battle though,
I stood at the fridge forever willing myself to dump the bottle but I poured the drink anyway. Nothing like making this even harder for myself.
I've spent a lot of time trying to remember my state of mind right before I started drinking 10 years ago. I know I've had some minor depression my whole life but nothing like this. I believe I was unhappy with things in my life but I don't think I was actually depressed. I even remember feeling completely happy at times.
I'm starting to believe that the alcohol has caused this depression that I'm in.
Have a great sober day everybody.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Originally Posted by jessie65 
MsJax, yes went to a doctor recently for depression and left feeling humiliated and cheated (I cried the entire visit and she looked at me like I was a nutcase), got a prescription and it did nothing. Doctor never did a follow-up or returned my phone calls so I went off of it, didn't want to go back.
. I'm not a big doctor-goer myself but I do know most would not behave as she did. I'll bet as you get solidly sober, powering through the hard times, you'll begin to feel the darkness lift. I hope you feel better very soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Pouring it out Jessie IS succeeding, you're making decisions that you never used to and that's how it starts, little things each day that will all add up as the days pass by!!
Keep pushing through!!
Keep pushing through!!
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