Spacegoat

As promised and as per the advice, I have been getting the ball rolling here. I saw a doctor today. I told her I wanted to get my blood results on the one hand (which were all normal, okay doke) and then on the other hand that I was looking for a referral. So she was looking at that part of my file and obviously had a Freudian slipper, because she just said "Oh". I said, "Oh. It's a red flag isn't it". She said "Um, no", and I said "Um, yes probably but anyway"...

She asked me some questions like why I wanted a referral. I just told her my whole story as it relates to the service, about how I was having a breakdown in my early-mid 20's and spent some time in detox/rehab/voluntary, then had some follow up appointments which I had mainly missed because I was still drinking. That I was basically ducking and diving as I had a fear of authority and general mistrust of others, and how I had been drinking for almost 20 years but now I am sober and more mature which was why I wanted to follow up with them. She asked me other questions too like was I having low moods, anger issues and so forth so I told her that no, not at all now. Told her how I had been sharing my experiences in a recovery group, that I have been doing a lot of work around my past and had come to a lot of realisations, conclusions and acceptance of things that had been bugging me a long time and that I had been escaping from (the trauma's and abuses). I told her my inquiries are more in a pragmatic sense, with a view to maybe counselling and therapy as per SR advice.

She was typing away like a hound while I was talking and I gave her plenty of information about myself. I was having a great day here but her reaction to my file took me a little aback. And now there is a seed of doubt in my mind, and that is how it starts for me. And with that seed I can either get 'awesome', or I can get honest. So I am choosing the latter here, and for a change. Guy's it is going to be alright isn't it? I don't have anything to worry about, honesty is the best policy amirite? I guess I am just looking for some reassurance is all...

Spacegoat

I guess it's just a bit of this https://youtu.be/uk8j3z53tGM

Sasha4

Its going to be fine babes!!
In fact it will be better than fine.
This is all towards helping you get healthy.

Talking/counselling is just another part of medical treatment today in the NHS.
Its like being prescribed a pill for an illness that might might be making you physically unwell.
You are just being prescribed a talking service for something that might be making you psychologically unwell.

I'm sure her note taking and typing was just to ensure you get the right referral.
Just as there are different types of medicines there are different types of therapy.

Honestly, just see it as an investment in you and your well being.

You did good.

Saskia

Strat, I agree that you did good! I leveled with my docs and ultimately got the help I needed. Most now agree that alcoholism is a brain disease. Yes, there is stigma but it's still more important to get the help you need.

Good luck :-)

Anna

Strat, it's scary, but it's all good. You are doing the right thing by helping yourself.

Soberwolf

Strat with your honesty you are awesome bud really happy for you

Keep up the good work

Verte

Well done Stratman! Consider it a fact finding mission. Get the lay of the land. Take it one phone call, one session, one day at a time. This is your alliance. Your partnership. Spend your time together well and do not be afraid of the truth serum given in the beginning. The electrodes they attach to your brain in therapy are really, really tiny anyway. Sorry, I just could not help it. Yes, totally juvenile.

Beam me up, Scotty!

In all honesty, this is a huge step, opportunity you are offering yourself.

silentrun

Another great song selection Stratman. I will be listening to that one a few times over.
When I started to remember and things started creeping back into my consciousness I was terrified. I was so used to using denial and minimization it was hard to give up. I seriously though I was hiding something from myself like I was serial killer. "Better not open that door or else." The urge to run was overwhelming. I am so glad I faced it.
What you are doing takes huge ballz. If you have what it takes to open that door you have what it takes to walk through. I wish I would have had the foresight to do it with a professional.

Dharma33

Strat- you did great!!!! Really, really great. Another leap forward!

Dee74

You're reading an awful lot in to an 'oh' there Strat - I am sure it'll be ok

D

PurpleKnight

It's going to be fine Strat!!

Spacegoat

Morning. Was tired last night. Yeah, it's going to be fine. They are going to be suspicious of me but I suppose that's to be expected. More to the point it has brought back a slew of horrible memories for me both last night and today. Ugh. Also I said things that were not true about my character just to get myself in there. That was dumb. I was in an awful state, and trying to appear extra strong at the same time. It was definitely a stress disorder of some kind. Coupled with increasing levels of frustration and confusion.

Oh you are hitlerious, that must be the new nanotech. Wait til I tell ya! When I was in there, which I basically had to beat the door down to get into, I was begging them to give me the electroshock thing. Yeah. F'. Luckily they were laughing at me, nor would they give me any medications. I was just wanted them to put me out of my misery. It was horrific and had been for some time. Not the place or anything, I was relived to be there (good food too mind) but my mental state previously, at the time, and also afterwards. Horror. I respect what they were doing in trying to get me to open up about what was happening. But at the time it was confusing to say the least. Hey look, it's in the past and for everything a reason as Ian Brown said. They know what they are doing, I just gotta keep on strengthening my faith. Man, I'm future tripping here too. I'm up against it in my personal life on all sides and in every dynamic lol.

Spacegoat

Oh, just to clarify- I'm talking about to get myself into rehab & inpatient in my early 20's and not about yesterday, lol. At the time I had been having suicidal thoughts which were increasing constantly. Insomnia, waking nightmares pretty much, the drinking, and I was going to my doctor - admitting this to anyone for me was a big thing even- and I was just getting no relief whatsoever. A few words of advice and sent on my way over and over and over again. I was getting worse all the time, I could not see any way out. So I started drinking before my appointments and saying look, F' this being suicidal all the time, I'm gonna take a load of people along with me if nobody is going to help me here. So that worked! I was taken seriously then. I got assessed, but I'm my mind I was thinking 'Ok, thats the key. They will have to do something if I keep repeating that'. I didn't know what that something was, I had no clue about any of this stuff. I just explained above how I was begging for mercy to make it stop, whatever it was. It was a big mess. I'm glad it's in the past.

Back to now: There is something I find interesting and was on my mind last night. The doctor yesterday was putting in her letter that at the moment I am re-living a lot of trauma as I raise my kids and asked me was that correct. I said no, not at the moment (obviously, as I haven't seen mine in +2 years) but all the same, that is exactly how it happened. All of this started after he was born. And it wasn't about me and his mother, we got along fine until she moved to another town but I was suffering in silence before that bigtime (and occasionally heading to the doctor about it). It was such a sad time. So many sad songs from then, that was my nightime drinking routine playing along on the keys to them. Also, after that my mate would be on all these missions to get smoke, most of the time it was crap but occasionally what he had I would realise that 'this is giving me relief', so I would say to him- I want that one man, nothing else, and lots of it. Even when I would be smoking a lot though I would very much be thinking of the same. For example when my kid was 4 I would be comparing my life to his, examining events that I could remember and thinking that something was not right, thinking about all the dynamics how they relate to my parents etc, trying to find an out for them in many cases. Same when he was 5, and 6 etc. Sometimes I would need to drink after because it was just not good, but that was very much the relief part all the same on a daily basis. Post traumatic stress I am thinking for sure, I know it has been said on here a few times already. peace

Spacegoat

Seeing as we are on the topic. Long before I got myself into inpatient then, I had given my brother a CD with these and some clear instructions. Yikes

Church:



Graveyard:



Good selection. Perhaps a little morbid I know, but I can't be the only one to have ever done this. Even checked in with him sometime last year to see did he remember and have the CD still, he wasn't sure so I sent them again just in case. For F sake

Soberwolf

Keep up the good work Strat !

Berrybean

I did the same - choosing my funeral songs that is - about 6 months ago. Not sure my other half took much notice though.

You'll be fine - this is a positive step. Scary, but positive.

Aellyce

I'm so happy that you are doing this, Strat! I think most people are anxious a bit before starting therapy, and I remember reading that you had a bad experience once in the past, your feelings are totally normal. It's going to be fine, my friend. My suggestion is that you just say whatever you think and feel in the moment. I think you would be interesting to work with for any decent therapist. Let us know how it goes, I will be very interested in hearing about your experience.

Wholesome

I went to therapy after I split with my husband to help me work through some of the abuse that happened to me and also to help me get my life on track as a single mother with two small children. It was hard.... I cried a lot. For awhile I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. But I've never been sorry that I did it! It helped me to stop reliving it and to put it behind me. You can do this! You deserve to be able to heal and put it behind you too

Spacegoat

Cheers guys. Yeah I'm not worried. It's not like I have to think or plan out what I am going to say now. Not at all. Luckily I'm not drinking or I'd be hopeless. And glad I found this place to learn that there actually are other people who have had some similar life experiences to myself. Because in my life there has been no-one. I'd be looking at my friends and thinking 'why am I so different, what makes me different' and they knew it too. I thought it was maybe a hundred different things at various times, all of which were wrong. But I am finally on the right track now. Like I said, these appointments again have just thrown up a few shades of bad memories for me. Bad memories of bad memories. Of bad memories again. Wait for it… Yes, memoryception (ok thats getting old now). Anyway, thanks for the support

Edit: fair point Zen. But I don't think there will be much of that, sad tears that is. I hope they don't think I'm a psychopath, because everything that I have discussed on here I have already grieved over and hard. And for far too long. Like for example I was in a total state of despair, confusion, and distraction on here (sprinkled with a little bit of awesome of course) and elsewhere, everywhere and for too long but lets just focus on here for now- up until Happybeingme told me about maternal narcissism and I started looking into that. I totally grieved about it all over again as I was learning it methodically and accepting it to be my truth. Absolutely. Before that there was a bit of me that wanted to believe against all the evidence that everything my mother did was just a test, that she would come good (the money I entrusted her with as just a symbol about reality- exactly for this reason- knowing it would be a bitter pill if she failed me) and that we might still all live happily ever after...

PFFFFFT! That illusion was causing me massive harm up to then. I was not prepared for her gaslighting and baiting to get me barred from the house over it, and separating me from my son just get me out of the way to maintain her illusory reality. Now that, was harsh. And for what? Money! OMFG man. Well anyway, now it's done. No fairytale ending, my little test had some very unexpected consequences but I got the results at last. There is an example that I have already grieved over and massively is the point. Most things in fact, nearly everything. I'm more concerned for the future. Especially my son, as I am the only one of us who has his best interest at heart unfortunately. More so than my own. Even his mother is more concerned with her own image than his upbringing overall, and I have know this fact too for years. Ok, now it is definitely music time. Peace

thomas11

Stratman, regarding your original post, don't overthink it brother, just stay true to your mission and to yourself. You're awesome.