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It was all going so well then I blew it!

Old 06-17-2015, 02:25 AM
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It was all going so well then I blew it!

Hi guys
Today should have been 5 months off the alcohol, I was doing so well then I folded a couple of weeks ago and have drank more than I ever did every single night since. The spiral of getting drunk and crashing out only to wake at 3am and watch the clock for a couple of hours is back. I might fall back to sleep but then wake groggy, hung over and go to work. Last night I drank nearly 2 bottles of wine and pretty much pissed off my whole family - I can't even remember all of it! - this mornings silent treatment really got to me. I deserve it, I would not stop even when they begged me and now I feel so stupid. I am tired and grumpy with no energy and i know I am drinking myself to an early grave.

Why couldn't I just stay off it? I was so positive and determined. Am I kidding myself that I can get back on the wagon and stay on it? how have people managed it? I want to stop this time, I really do but I am so scared that I can't. I hate seeing the disappointment in my family's eyes and just saying sorry simply won't cut it this time.

Please help me sort this.
Thanks
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Old 06-17-2015, 02:31 AM
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Sorry about your setback. Don't let a bump on your road to recovery become a sink hole.

The most important thing is to analyze what triggered you to pick up the first drink. Build some tools to cope.

We are in your corner
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Old 06-17-2015, 02:45 AM
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Hi lucyloo,
Pick yourself back up and make today day 1 again. You can do this!
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Old 06-17-2015, 03:46 AM
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Originally Posted by lucyloo14 View Post
I want to stop this time, I really do but I am so scared that I can't.
Scared to stop? Or scared you can't stay stopped?
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Old 06-17-2015, 03:47 AM
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Lucyloo, a slip is not a moral failing. For a long time I kept on slipping and it was agony. I finally followed Dee's advice to keep adding things to my tool box. What worked for me initially was 3 months of an
IOP (intensive outpatient program), AA, SR and a therapist. I finally went around 9 months and then had a small slip. It didn't last long and wasn't nearly as bad. Now I'm on meds which thankfully work for me. I might have been able to do it without the meds but didn't want to take the chance.

Good luck to you! I suspect that our feelings of shame don't help.
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Old 06-17-2015, 03:54 AM
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We all make mistakes. We're human. Don't be so hard on yourself. Start over. It's that simple. Welcome to day 1!!! :-)
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Old 06-17-2015, 04:02 AM
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Lucy, don't let this slip derail the momentum in your recovery. You didn't loose all of the positive effects of your 5 months. All of the positive benefits are still with you.

Good job on coming back here and posting. Don't do what I did at my last relapse and take nearly a year to get sober again. Those are times we won't ever get back.

You've got this!
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Old 06-17-2015, 04:35 AM
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Hi Lucy. Don't beat yourself up. Take the time to reflect where things went awry. What was working for you during those five months? Build from there and add more things.

I relapsed after 10.5 months of sobriety. Picked up almost where I'd left off. I'd let my recovery slide. Stopped doing what I had been doing. Ignored little warning signs that all wasn't right. Let myself get run down and when something stressful happened, couldn't handle it. My husband had relapsed too and I played his tape forward, not my own.

Three months later I woke up and decided I'd had enough and set a quit date. While that original date didn't stick because I drank two more times, the second one has, so far and I've not had a drink in over 18 months. I started logging on here and reading and posting as if my life depended on it. I started attending AA meetings again. I reached out more for support even when I didn't feel like it. I gave voice to the discomfort I felt and asked for help. I didn't drink no matter how painful it was. I've now survived another of my husband's getting sober and relapses without me drinking. Mainly I realize that I have a daily reprieve. One day at a time. Today, I won't drink.

You can do this. You've done something big in even posting here and asking for help. Make today day one.
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Old 06-17-2015, 04:36 AM
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At least you've come back really quickly. You are in the right track now.
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Old 06-17-2015, 04:46 AM
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Thank you! good advice, yes I think I really do need to get my head around why I went back to such excessive drinking. I can come up with loads of excuses; boredom, to help me relax, loneliness - but at the end of the day - these are JUST excuses and I need to take back control and accept that drinking for me makes me feel bad as well and hurts people I love. Enough! Day one bring it on !!!
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Old 06-17-2015, 09:18 AM
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For me good intentions and determination only lasted for so long, eventually I'd convince myself I didn't really have a problem or forget about how bad alcohol was affecting my life.

Instead I needed some daily support and a plan to make Sobriety happen, physical actions and proactivity, I needed to make some tough decisions on activities to get involved in and people to hang out with.

So what have you been doing for support and a plan is the question? if nothing more than trying not to drink, that's the first place to start!!

You can do this!!
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Old 06-17-2015, 11:11 PM
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[QUOTE=Purpleknight;5425965

So what have you been doing for support and a plan is the question? if nothing more than trying not to drink, that's the first place to start!!

You can do this!! [/QUOTE]

Yes you are so right this is what I need to change, my life needs to be more full. At the moment it all revolves around my husband and kids and once I have done what I need to do for them ( cook dinner and sort homework, listen to them about their day etc) having done a 10 hour job myself - I hit the bottle. I drink alone my husband doesn't drink and just watches TV and plays on his IPad - every single night!!

I guess I drink because I am bored and it kind of takes me away from the monotony for a while - but it brings a whole new set of problems with it so I have to stop. . My life has to have some meaning I think along the way I have lost myself. Although I drink I am a pretty good mother and am very close to my kids and always there for them (except when I have crashed out around 10pm!) Any ideas to get back out there and think about me?

By the way - I did not drink yesterday. Day one - check.
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Old 06-18-2015, 04:00 AM
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Day one down, that's great! In the early days, I needed to shake up my routines. Instead of pouring a glass of wine when I got home from work, I quickly changed clothes and took the dog for a walk, which turned out to be a much better way to let go of the workday than drinking.

My H watches TV in the evening, too. I surf around on my iPad, do some Soduko, crossword puzzles, stuff like that, or take a bath and read. It didn't take too long to develop new habits and now, 7 months in, it doesn't even occur to me to have alcohol at home in the evening.

Stay with us, lucyloo, there's a better life waiting for you.
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Old 06-18-2015, 04:08 AM
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This morning I was thinking about how last night at dinner when my fiancée had one drink, I was feeling a little sad and jealous and wanting to join her. It passed.... But then this morning it nagged at me again.

'Maybe after TWO years I'll try to start drinkng now and then... But never more than one, no matter what'.

Then I realized I was saying 'heck with it' and ordering a large red-eye at the coffee shop instead of just a regular coffee.....

Exactly the kind of thing I used to do with alcohol.

Then I read your post and it reminded me how glad I am to be sober. Thank you for helping me stay sober by sharing your story. It's this process of reminding myself that I PREFER to be sober and have a better life in sobriety that gets me through the thoughts of maybe drinking again.

I hope you're soon able to embrace sobriety in the same way.
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Old 06-18-2015, 04:14 AM
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If you've done 5 months once you can do it again. Easier this time because you know the road. Be well
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:43 AM
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Welcome back, lucyloo14! First step for me was realizing that I did not have to that first drink no matter what and that as long as I didn't take that first drink I couldn't take second or third or tenth that would pretty much inevitably follow.
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Old 06-18-2015, 07:33 AM
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Lucyloo, a lot of us slip up on occasion; we just have to forgive ourselves and start anew.
Congrats to you on day one! Just take it slow and easy, and don't pick up that first drink.
The SR family is here to help you along. We are all on this journey together, and we lean on, and support one another.
You can do this; I know you can!
My thoughts are with you; stay committed to your sobriety no matter what.
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Old 06-18-2015, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by lucyloo14 View Post
Yes you are so right this is what I need to change, my life needs to be more full. At the moment it all revolves around my husband and kids and once I have done what I need to do for them ( cook dinner and sort homework, listen to them about their day etc) having done a 10 hour job myself - I hit the bottle. I drink alone my husband doesn't drink and just watches TV and plays on his IPad - every single night!!

I guess I drink because I am bored and it kind of takes me away from the monotony for a while - but it brings a whole new set of problems with it so I have to stop. . My life has to have some meaning I think along the way I have lost myself. Although I drink I am a pretty good mother and am very close to my kids and always there for them (except when I have crashed out around 10pm!) Any ideas to get back out there and think about me?

By the way - I did not drink yesterday. Day one - check.
Your husband comes home and watches tv like a lump, you resent that he is boring, you then become bored and drink. That sounds like the old me. What you need to do is find something to make yourself happy. Only you can make yourself happy, and happiness is contagious!

When I drank I would isolate myself from my family in my own home. I would hide in the tub with my bottle of wine, I would hide in the family room with my bottle of wine while my family slept. And the next day, I would be so disengaged because I was so sick and hungover. I was a sad lonely person. Hard to believe this was only 2 months ago.

Now, I am doing more activities that I enjoy. I am spending more time outside doing yard work, my house is getting organized and clean and I am also purging stuff. It's good therapy. When I am active and bouncing about the house, listening to music and playing with the kids and the dog, my husband notices. He is perking up and he is also "awakening" from his boredom. It will get better, if YOU just take the lead! Life gets better when you stop drinking....depression is a contagious thing as well, but when you break out of that dark place, you will spread life into your home!

Welcome Back!
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Old 06-18-2015, 08:26 AM
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I hope this can be your last day one.
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Old 06-18-2015, 08:29 AM
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Lady you are better than this cycle you are in now!
But...you can get back to the healthy routine you were in before.

I think if it were me, I would just throw my all into getting a day 1 done.
For me the first few days of not calling in the supermarket for a bottle took work.
But once I had done it a few times it got easier.

Some days I would just go to bed early if it meant it got me another day done sober.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
We all have vulnerable times when its harder to keep on going drink free.

But I'm sure you will feel happier once you are back to where you were.

You can do it, I have no doubt.
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