accepting drunken apologies?
 

I've been trying to get sober. Im with a boyfriend who has a drinking problem that will never quit drinking. He has during the week with me, weekends come and its non-stop drinking. Sunday was the worst it has ever been. I remained somewhat sober. He drank from 10am til 11pm until he passed out. During the worst of it, I was called many names, that I am a piece of (you know what), that I'm cheating on him, he pulled me out of bed by my feet to yell all this in my face. He remembers none of it, all he can say is I'm sorry, I didnt mean it. I guess I feel I should forgive him since I have done and said horrible things when I was drunk. But this happens alot!!! So, I am trying to get healthy but I cant if I am with him. But I feel I should forgive him and try again?

That's a tough one. You will have to look within yourself to see if you can forgive him and move forward. I know how hard it is, I've been in similar situations. It's not good for you to be in that situation. Is there anywhere you can go so that you can get sober without having to deal with him right now? Will he compromise with you to slow down his drinking?

Nobody should ever be treated like that, regardless of the circumstances, drunk or not. Maybe give him one last chance, but ensure to lay down the law. If he does it again, you're gone.

Again, nobody deserves that type of treatment.

If someone tries to drag me out of bed by my feet just to scream obscenities at me, they're going to be in for a rude awakening.

No one deserves to be abused, whether it's emotionally or physically, which it sounds like you have endured both. Whether he can remember or not, he did these things. If nothing changes, nothing changes. You deserve better.

I dont live with him, so I am able to leave him for good and try to work on my sobriety without him. Ive tried to mention I dont want to waste our weekends away drinking. He says he is willing to do anything, but once that first drink is drank, it doesnt stop. :( And I am trying not to blame him for my drinking, but very hard when he orders that drink while I sit there with water.

He is doing what alcoholics do. You know that if you go out with him to restaurants, bars, or parties, there is going to be drinking involved. It's up to you to decide how badly you want sobriety.

In my relationships, I had a two-strike rule. The first instance of bad behavior will be considered an anomaly. Something that could happen to anyone, and depending on the severity, could be forgiven. At the second instance of that behavior, it's a trend. The person is showing you how they are.

There is no third instance.

In your case, you can put up with this dysfunctionality as long as you choose. Right now it appears that as long as you drink, you are contributing equally to this dysfunction. So forgiveness seems fair. But at some point, if you remain sober, it will become unequal and you won't be questioning how much forgiveness to give him.

I don't forget abuse. That is a deal breaker. Physically putting his hands on you and calling you names is abuse.


It's not going to get better. You two are toxic.

I had an abusive bf once. Just once. It will never be tolerated again. As Carl said, once is a mistake, twice is a trend. I deserve better treatment.

It's actions, not words, that have meaning in relationships. When we base forgiveness on what people say they will do, all the while they are actually doing something different, we don't have anyone but ourselves to blame.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Abuse is a deal breaker, end of story.

Physical and mental abuse is not okay, ever.

I agree with Anna 100% on this. The abuse will not stop and most likely it will get worse.

I have to agree with biminiblue on this one. You two are toxic. Right now, your focus should be on "you". You said you two don't live together, so start focusing on you and your sobriety. Let him stay failing himself. You don't need him to bring you down any longer and you certainly don't need or deserve to be pulled out of bed by your feet when you're sleeping, only to be screamed at. Trust me when I say it's only going to get worse.

Although not physically abusive, I was quite verbally and mentally abusive. Many,many times- so. Many I can't count- I told my fiancé the next day," I'm sorry." so many she got to the point of saying ," you're fu**in right your sorry."
Best move she ever made was throw me out. I was gonna take her down with me.


If you truly want2feelGood, it would be wise to follow int he footsteps of my now ex fiancé. In doing so you will be able to work on you.

interesting and I agree with carl, first time okay - mistake, second time - not okay,

third time? it's your own fault for waiting for the third time,

You deserve so much better end this relationship if he dares continue phone police end of

thankyou all for the help. why am I so sad to leave him, why is it so hard to leave him? Its because when we are sober, its great. And its because I am still holding on to hope it will get better. And really really sad because now I have to work on getting sober and leaving him. Its hard enough getting sober, now I am alone trying to get sober and leaving a man I do love. But I dont know why I love him, I guess its the hope of a different life that I think we can have, which I need to realize its not going to get better.

I think he is responsible for his (abusive) behaviour towards you. It is inexcusable. It is not a healthy relationship. I suspect your feelings towards him are based on your projections of hopes and dreams that you formed on the basis of how the relationship has been at times. There are men out there who can be kind and gentle, and not drag you out of bed to scream in your face. What would you say if you saw your best friend treated that way?

He is not responsible for your drinking though. That's your responsibility. Horrible things happened because of him. But it was you that chose to deal with that by drinking. Chances are that is your go-to strategy - as it has been for most (if not all) of us alcoholics - for dealing with pain. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm hoping to challenge your AV, which will always be telling you to go ahead and have a drink (because you deserve it; you need it; you might as well have it; you're not a proper alcoholic; you're not as much of an alcoholic as that person or this person, and they're drinking. etc. etc).

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.

Sorry to hear you're going thru this.

I look at all of my relationships as a two way streets. I don't continue the ones that I give much more than I get. Friends, family, everyone. It's normally a little more complicated than I describe but that's the boiled down version.

If someone doesn't make me a better person and appreciate what I offer them, then they're a taker. I also feel like I have a responsibility to make sure that I'm not a taker either. And I'm sure I have been. Its the struggle to be the best person that we can.

Sounds like you both have your own battle to wage against the bottle. If he's not on the same page about it as you then your chances of success are much worse.

Good luck and remember that abuse like what you describe is never ok.

I agree 100% that abuse as you describe is never ok.

If you are ready to get sober, this website and the forums are an incredible tool.

A relationship with an abusive alcoholic is an enormous hurdle to your own sobriety and healing.

You cannot fix him- waiting for things to change to what you hope or wish they can be will only cause you harm.

I wish you well- there is a lot of support here if you need it.