Jillian2563

I'm trying again at sobriety. I was sober three days last week, sober yesterday and obviously so far today since I'm at work.

I'm just so frustrated and discouraged with my husband though. I should be proud of him because he's been clean from his DOC for a little while now.

When we met, he was independent although using drugs. The night we met there were drugs and alcohol involved. And pretty much the same for 8 years.

We moved in together shortly after meeting. There was one time he was unemployed then had a job for 5 years as a garbage man. Two summers ago, I was unemployed (laid off) and he had a wrist injury that required surgery and his employer wouldn't let him back until dr said it was ok. So he went back oct 2013 and didn't last 6 more months there. He was fired in March 14 for a back injury - which he sued and got a settlement for this March. And of course, all the money's gone.

Skip forward for time sake, and I just can't take him anymore. When he does work under the table with a friend, he complains A LOT. Right now he says he can't work again because of his back hurting him, he's going to the ER. if he's not complaining about his back, he's complaining about his foot, his knee, his stomach, his finger.....not only complains about hurting but everything else as well, including my drinking.

He's been walking around, exaggerating, moaning, aw, ooh, ow, I can barley move. Then has the nerve to ask me if I want to have sex? I thought you hurt I said. Then he said he needed the truck so he could haul scrap metal. What about your back? I just took the truck anyway frustrated with him once again.

I feel like he's becoming dependent and lazy. He's always been the type to make money anyway he could by selling goods, performing odd jobs. But now when he does, he complains constantly. Like the old saying, it drives me to drink.

Not only that, but he acts like a two year old at times. For example, he kept aggravating the kids in the back seat this past Sunday and I constantly had to get on to him and tell him to stop, and he'd say, "but he hit me!" I try telling him he's a father, an adult, and he needs to act like it. But he doesn't get it. He doesn't act like that all the time, but when he does, it's really annoying and I want to drink.

He doesn't clean up after himself, never has, and our house, cars are dirty all the time, inside and out. But when I drink I really don't care. But when I don't drink, I do care. So when I say anything about this or the other mentioned problems above, he tells me Im just being a bitch and to stop.

I just don't think I have the energy for him anymore. I don't even know if we "connect" as drugs/alcohol has always been involved. We do a lot with the kids and have fun I guess but I don't know if that's enough. I don't know how to continue sobriety if I have to be a mother to a 38 yr old man who is always crippled.

Obviously, there's so much more but no time to explain. I just don't have anyone to talk to. Sorry to throw my troubles here.

ccam1973

Jillian, no apologies necessary... that is what we do here, help each other through the tough times.

Congrats on day two today. Stay strong and keep moving in the right direction.

I know it seems difficult, but you can only control you. Sounds like you know you will be much happier and able to cope with life bette if you get sober. It is tough early on, but so worth the effort you put in.

If your relationship is anything like mine, there are way more fights and arguments when in drinking mode. Once I cut that part out of my life I could control every situation better; even when my wife is drinking. I also found that I have so much more fun with the kids than I ever did when I was drinking; and I've always been a fun dad.

Have you and your husband ever thought about or tried counseling to try and work out a happy middle ground?

First and foremost, take care of you and your kids. Come up with a plan to stay sober and stick to it. I promise, you won't regret your decision.

Lean on us as much as you need.

Fly N Buy

I have found I can only work on myself and my codependency problems. The more I resent others and complain about what they do the more I self hate and dwell on what got me thinking I need to drink in the first place

Jillian2563

Thanks guys. It's just so frustrating being sober when he acts like this. I mean I try to "handle" him and it's exhausting. Then I'm aloof with him and he can tell and thinks I'm a bitch. But I want to be his wife, not his mother.

Jillian2563

He's just all over the place. He did tell me last week he was proud of me, but then I felt uncomfortable maybe resentment when he said it? I agree counseling would be good. We've tried it in the past but that was a few years ago before we were married. Just don't have the money right now.....especially since his back is hurting again.

Anna

Welcome, Jillian,

I think you are still in very early days of sobriety and congratulations for that. It's not surprising that things feel different in your relationship now. I know I went through many ups and downs with my relationship in the first couple of years. I wasn't sure what to do and had to adjust.

Have you talked with your husband about your specific concerns? Have you tried counselling?

Jillian2563

I can't talk to him because then he feels I'm nagging him or blaming him, etc. I've looked into counseling recently but can't really afford it. There is counseling through the church we go to (he grew up in the Mormon church and is where we go now) but they base it on their beliefs and understandings and I'm no where near there and would be uncomfortable, plus my employer is Mormon owned and a lot of members here and don't want it to spread.....

Ruby2

Hi Jillian, I understand. So frustrating. I'm reaching the end of the road with my husband for many of the same reasons. My husband drinks and drugs. I managed to get sober 18 months ago despite him. He works. Has a good job but doesn't help out much at all. Meanwhile, I work my rear off. Full time job, two kids under ten, housework, yard work, you name it, I do it, he doesn't. When he tells me what a great job I'm doing, I want to slug him.

Focus on you, not on him or his issues. His aches and pains sound suspiciously like my mother in law who one would think is on death's door but I am pretty sure is addicted to pain meds. I know it's hard to ignore it but I found that once I got some sober time, and could see what was going on more clearly while sober, I could and do make better decisions. Come here for support. Reach out in real life.

zjw

I dunno life is hard. it is what it is. I had lots of aches and pains and problems till i sobered up and cleaned up my diet and started exercising. But you cant make him do those things and I dunno maybe he already does? or maybe it woudlnt make any difference as maybe has other issues I dunno.

But you can try and accept him for who he is and such. Sounds like he's good with the kids thats a good thing.

Men typically dont mature much past 18 years old lol Least I dont feel that I have nor do I want too. But I know what your saying. Men are wired differently then women.

At least he wanted to haul the scrap and make a few bucks?

Sounds like He is struggling as well.

My wife told me once when i was upset about something that I couldnt do much about she said. "the one thing you can change about this is your attitude that is the one thing you do have control over" And I HATED her for saying that because she was right! and because I know shes just as guilty as i am for having a crummy attitude! But the reality is she was right.

Oh and I used the same line back on her first chance i could! LOL.

I hope I helped you hang in there. It gets easier just gotta sometimes cherry pick the good out of the bad.

Jillian2563

Thanks ruby I am trying to just focus on myself. This sober thing is hard, but I have to do it for my health. I swear my liver is hurting but I hardly complain to him.

Zjw - thanks for your post as well. I do try to accept who he is. I mean I love the guy. He's quirky, talks to much to other people all the time, and I just get frustrated with him with his immature ways and exaggerations. He very may well be in pain, but he doesn't have to go overboard. He has always found a way to make a few bucks (legitimately). Lol as I'm typing this he just text me he made $70. Maybe I'm being irrational. Maybe I'm just not used to the normal life stress, sober.

zjw

maybe you just gotta vent? aint nothing wrong with that!!

old saying "a man marries a women hoping she'll never change always remain the same. A women marries a man hoping he will grow up and mature etc... Neither of them get what they want"

Men have a way of still being immature children often times.

I hear you tho. My father is in his 60's going on his 90's all he does is lay around and do nothing but complain abotu every pain. I'm like well if you'd get up and walk around get your blood flowing and such maybe the littlest little taskes wouldnt leave you winded and sore? we have all since recomended he go see his doctor whenever he complains about whatever ailment. In his case I htink he just wants attention.

PurpleKnight

That's what we're here for Jillian!!

For me learning to feel and express my feelings was a real tool in my Sobriety toolbox, in the past I'd simply drink my feelings/emotions away, I'd become so afraid to feel things.

So coming to SR and reaching out for support is never anything to apologise for, it's better than the alternative!!

Hang in there!!

Dee74

Hey Jillian

Maybe things will imporove when you stay sober, or maybe not - but I think you'll be in a better place to work it all out with some sobriety behind you.

I know it's tough being in the situation you're in, but what about using this site a little more?

We can help you through those times you want to drink

D

Jillian2563

Last week our phones were turned off so I couldn't visit sr as I don't have a computer.

I'm at home right now alone, with no cigs, and just ate roasted broccoli for dinner and a cheese quesadilla. But now I want a beer so bad. Good thing I don't have any. But there's a good chance my hubby might bring some home, but a really good chance he won't since he knows my plan. But he didn't leave me any cigarettes and I'm craving something here!

Jillian2563

I'm so freaking mad right now. My husband FINALLY came home after which he was only supposed to gone for an hour. And I knew something was up. Sure enough he smells like beer. I don't know if I'm more pissed that he didn't bring any home, that he drank, or drank without me. I'm not made for this crap.

Jillian2563

Or maybe it's because he didn't do crap all day!! I had to come home and clean! And my house is still a mess!

Debbie329

You need some you time.......go for a walk.

Jillian2563

I did, and smoked two cigarettes. I guess I'm just mad at everything right now. I just don't know what else to do.....

But thanks everyone for "listening".

Debbie329

I get just like you when I'm upset........I spin myself into a tizzy.......none of it is good for my health.......people like your husband I consider chronic stressors...... I pretty much eliminated those people......but I'm not married and never have been.....I've never even lived w anyone......but I did have a bf like your husband......and he drove me right out of my mind. I met that guy when I was drunk too. I finally moved to another state. Lol. The temper tantrums I used to have.....WOW. But none of it is good for your health.........I still get worked into a tizzy.....it's part of who I am. But exercise works for me and removing myself from the situation. Maybe you need to send him to his mothers for a while or a friends.

Jillian2563

Thanks Debbie. I think I've finally calmed down a it by reading/posting here.

But he really is a lot to handle. His own mother would tell you that, lol. And he's got 5 siblings.