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Hate myself

Old 06-15-2015, 10:01 AM
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Hate myself

I'm laying in my bed hating myself after a long night of drinking and making stupid mistakes. I decided to go out and drink and ended up at a friend's house. We ended up hooking up and I feel awful because I'm engaged to the most amazing man and for some reason I keep trying to screw it up. I'm so lucky in many ways but I continue to put myself in ****** up situations. I hate myself. I'm soooo unbelievably upset and idisgusted with myself. I don't know why I would make such stupid decisions and I feel like the worst person on the planet. I literally hate myself. I have to stop drinking. I will lose everything I love if I keep doing what I'm doing. I'm still drunk from last night and i cant sleep because I'm so upset with myself. How did I get to this point. Why do I hate myself so much. I'm the worst and I'm so disgusted with myself. I am literally at my breaking point. I want to crawl out of my skin. I hate myself.
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Old 06-15-2015, 10:10 AM
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(((Hugs))) to you Shalaylay.

I know in this moment it's hard to believe but a) you aren't the worst person in the world, and b) I'd wager nearly every person on this site has felt the same way you do right now. I know I have.

My recovery from codependence (which was as destructive in my life as any addiction) began when I allowed myself a little bit of compassion and accepted that I was a hurting person making poor choices whose life had become unmanageable (or rather, who was recognizing that her life had never been as manageable as I needed to believe).

You made such a good choice in coming here. Welcome.
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Old 06-15-2015, 10:15 AM
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I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now.

You're engaging in very dangerous behaviour and you know it has to stop. You're not a bad person, but you're making bad decisions because of the alcohol and because of low self-esteem. You have to take a leap of faith that you are worth it and you can do it. Please put those negative feelings aside and start a Gratitude Journal today and begin to move forward.
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Old 06-15-2015, 10:21 AM
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Welcome, Shalaylay!

You can turn this around and use last night's results as your incentive.

Alcohol removes all inhibitions, most likely your choices would've been different, if for the drinking.

You're not a bad person.

Make today your day 1 and you'll never have to feel this way again.
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Old 06-15-2015, 10:57 AM
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I'm sorry you're hurting and as Sparklekitty said, you aren't the worst person out there. I've done some bad things because I was drinking. Poor choices and poor self esteem. Alcohol wasn't a good solution to either.

Stick around for support on your journey. You can do it but it takes time and hard work. Rest up, drink plenty of water, take a deep breath and read around here for ideas to make a plan for sobriety
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Old 06-15-2015, 11:05 AM
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Welcome to the family. All of us have done some pretty stupid things when drinking. You can move forward from this and make your life a good one. First you've got to stop drinking. Just don't drink today. Tomorrow, do the same thing - just don't drink. One day at a time, you'll get there.
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Old 06-15-2015, 11:22 AM
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As much as alcohol made me lose inhibition and forget my problems, the flip side of that would be horrible regret and self loathing when the drunk wore off. The self-loathing and negative self-talk - I hate myself, etc. - has faded almost entirely as a result of not drinking. So, I think just drinking selzer, and spiking it only with fresh fruit, maybe could make you generally happier, able to forgive yourself, and way more capable of navigating your feelings regarding your relationship. Selzer with fruit, or even fancy mineral waters give me this sense of sophistication that alcohol promises but doesn't deliver. My 2 cents. I hope you feel better.
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Old 06-15-2015, 11:23 AM
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Hello Sha...
The AA Big Book describes the feeling of 'Pitiful and Incomprehensible Demoralization' and I knew it well.

I am now a year and a half Sober ... Happy, Joyous, and FREE. Free from the behaviors I was driven to under the CONTROL that Alcohol & Drugs had over my Life. The MIRACLE happened thru WORKING the 12 Steps of AA.

Get an AA Big Book and read it. Do online Web Searches for help with the 12 Steps - there is a lot of great information and real encouragement from people that have had their lives literally renewed. Do a Web Search for Recovery Speaker Messages.

A good start - do an Internet Web Search for 'Joe & Charlie' and 'Melbourne AA Steps Weekend - Recordings'.

Sober Recovery Community is a great place to share - I want to hear more from you, and I am sure that is true for all of us.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous, and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
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Old 06-15-2015, 11:27 AM
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I've woken up drunk, went and sat in the shower and cried because I hated myself. That was two weeks ago. You're not alone.
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Old 06-15-2015, 01:18 PM
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Take comfort knowing your not alone. When I started here at SR a month ago I begun with a post exactly like yours.

Drinking is brutal and controlling. Many of us lose complete and total control, and then wake up hating ourselves--- then do it again.

But you don't have to. You can take control right now, make this your first day of sobriety, and say "I'm not drinking anymore."

What helped me get past that last shameful event of drinking for me was when I learned to think of my drinking and sober self as two different entitites. I don't like myself when I drink, and I'm horrified by what I've done--- and because of that, I'm also able to let what I've been and done go because I'm committed to never permitting that self presence again.

Forgive yourself, acknowledge that when you drink you do not like what you become, and begin sober living.
It's truly a heck of a more enjoyable way to live!
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Old 06-15-2015, 01:23 PM
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if you hold on to that garbage inside of you its going to make you do more crazy stupid stuff as you try and ease that pain.

I'm going to tell you simply your a good person you may have made mistakes but so what put that stuff aside.

Now put that bottle down.

Now go one living being the good person you are without these 2 things. If you cant put them both aside one or the other or both will always come back to bite you and you will struggle to be that good person that you truely are.

these self destructive cycles just fuel themselves but they do not mean thats who we really are.
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Old 06-15-2015, 01:29 PM
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Welcome. I'm sorry for the pain you are enduring. I don't have much advice as I'm still struggling with sobriety but wanted to let you know you're not alone. But I'm guessing you have a hard time ahead of you given the situation that occurred last night. Please please please don't drink today. I know it's easier said than done especially the way you feel right now but I'm with you. Let's start healing today!
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Old 06-15-2015, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by zjw View Post
if you hold on to that garbage inside of you its going to make you do more crazy stupid stuff as you try and ease that pain.

I'm going to tell you simply your a good person you may have made mistakes but so what put that stuff aside.

Now put that bottle down.

Now go one living being the good person you are without these 2 things. If you cant put them both aside one or the other or both will always come back to bite you and you will struggle to be that good person that you truely are.

these self destructive cycles just fuel themselves but they do not mean thats who we really are.
Thank you and reading this I'm crying. I'm trying to forgive myself but the utter disgust that I feel is hard to ignore. I feel like I am completely alone and I don't know what to do.
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Old 06-15-2015, 02:02 PM
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I hated myself for years. That's what Alcohol does, it takes everything from us.

I think a solid plan is what you need to focus on. Hating yourself will not do anything.
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Old 06-15-2015, 02:17 PM
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Time to draw a line in the sand, alcohol seems to be doing you no favours, just causing you misery, but you don't have to let it continue to cause such misery.

You can be Sober and happy and not have to feel this way ever again, create a plan, make some tough decisions on what activities to get involved in and what people to have a round you, and make Sobriety happen!!

You can do this!!
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Old 06-15-2015, 02:26 PM
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Welcome to SR
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Old 06-15-2015, 02:39 PM
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Sha, some really good advise here.

You need to take some time and come up with a solid plan. It's time to put some tough effort into turning your life around.

I promise, you never have to feel the way you feel now. It all starts with today, you can't do anything about what you did yesterday. Time and mental distance will heal some of your pain, but you need to commit to getting you better. Otherwise, alcohol will distort your judgments again and again!

We are here to help and support each other. I would have never gotten sober if I wouldn't have found this community. With that being said, you've got to put the work into getting your life back.

You deserve to be happy. Today is the first step.

You can do this and we can help if you let us.
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Old 06-15-2015, 03:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Shalaylay View Post
Thank you and reading this I'm crying. I'm trying to forgive myself but the utter disgust that I feel is hard to ignore. I feel like I am completely alone and I don't know what to do.
I know but inside there is a decent good person thats being held down by these feelings. You cant deny these feelings but they are also not doing you any favors because they fuel the cycle that isnt a good one.
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Old 06-15-2015, 03:35 PM
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Hello Sha,
We have all done things we regret. That's part of why we are here.
Please forgive yourself and move forward in your quest for sobriety.
Have you ever heard the saying "only a fool trips over what's behind him?"
The past is over and done with; learn from it and move on.
Wishing you all the luck in the world. Read and post here often, it has been a great support to me to do that.
Ring
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Old 06-15-2015, 03:36 PM
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Some great advice here. I'm glad you found us shalaylay
welcome!

D
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