Spacegoat

Ok, so there is not much happening in the Adult Children forum. I must have scared them off.

My father wants to meet. I explicitly told him to F' off for the 1000th time recently. Sorry but.

Ugh I don't even know what to say, or how I could explain, but it's kinda simple too. What I do?

MythOfSisyphus

Sorry about you father, Stratman1. I don't know what history you have with him or why he's trying to get ahold of you now. You know your situation better than we do but I will say that cutting a toxic person out of your life is sometimes necessary. If there's really nothing more to say between you then stick to your guns.

That has to really suck! Dad and I had some rocky times when I was younger but buried the hatchet and were very close. He passed away a few years back. I wouldn't even mind an argument with him if it meant I would see him once more. I'm sorry that you've lost a father, too, even though he's still alive.

Dee74

Hi Strat

I have to admit it's been so busy lately I don't have time to look into other forums.

from what I can glean looking back at recent posts he was part of your abusive childhood...so if you don't want to see him, I think 'no' is a very valid response.

D

strategery

Have you asked him why he wants to meet?

I would tread carefully. If you think he's going to be abusive, I wouldn't meet.

Nowsthetime

Hello:

If it is the 1000nd time you say it might not mean much to him, he might not think that you are serious... Set boundaries and stick to them.

It is completely ok to shut people out of your life if they are toxic but you have to cut it clean. If you leave that little bit open it will still bring drama.

Relationships are built on interactions, not only on blood...

Do what is right for you! It's not selfish to advocate for yourself!

Anna

I would continue to say 'No'. You made the decision to not see him despite being asked numerous times, so what would make you change your mind this time? I am an ACOA (I should pop into the forum more often) and I would caution you about expectations. It's not likely that a leopard will change its spots.

lighter

Have you got anyone ( medical or religious?) or Al Anon to give you support?

Bottom line is you are responsible for your life
not his and if your life is better without him( in your view )then it's the right decision.

Verte

Hi Stratman,

Do you know why you are feeling conflicted at this moment? Are you struggling because of that slim possibility that your father might be apologizing or paying the money back that your mother stole. Or are you feeling fatigued or pressured from asserting boundaries and not being respected?

Sorry to hear that you are struggling. What's going on Stratman?

Spacegoat

Yeah, this is pretty terrible to be honest. Just an envelope of absolute grief and suffering envelops me around this, it is terrible. No, the money was just a symbol and the absolute proof positive that I unfortunately needed about her. I was not prepared for the result in any case. I've been telling him the STFU about it for years. He tried to make it his 'point of concern' about me blah de blah, it's all coming from a negative intention. He has caused untold hassle for me over the years. Many, many years. I don't know the half of it.

Worst part is this: I feel really bad for the guy. The rare few decent childhood memories I have are with him. He gave me a couple of bad beatings, not many, but on the other hand he worked 12 hours a day during the week and still took us places or played with us on the weekends. My mother has barely worked in her life and yet she was always been missing or absent, even when she was there. He even worked in another country for a few years on great money, sending it all back to her every week (like a fool). She blew the whole lot on drink and whatever. I was probably neglected most of the time, I remember being hungry many times with only bread and water to eat while she was out obviously lording it up all the time. She used to give me money for sweets and I'd be out playing most of the time but still wtf is that. She is one bad person, that is for sure.

Yeah look, he definitely robbed me of an adolescence and subjected me to untold misery but at the same time my mother drove him mad. I know, because I witnessed every bit of it. And she knows that I know. This is really confusing, and it and it is just really fricken damn terrible. I have spent almost every waking moment of my life trying to figure it out. I've definitely made a lot of progress, but seriously - just man, F' this.

least

I wouldn't see him, if it were me.

Ruby2

Hi Strat, I don't have any words of advice for you. Just some support and empathy. I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know enough to say.

ArtFriend

Sorry you are dealing with this Strat. You are between a rock and a hard place. But in your current mental state as you write here, I don't think it is a good idea to see him RIGHT NOW. Maybe later when you are not so stressed and depressed?

Spacegoat

I don't have another family guys that's the problem. That has always been the problem.

I'm not stressed and depressed it is just incredibly sad and confusing. And not very fair.


'You can choose your friend's but not your family': a kid said it to me when I was young.

Out of the blue. He was younger than me but he was sympathising and wished me well.

DuhDave

I'am sorry your having trouble with this Strat. Based on your post above which is all the info I really have on the situation, seems to me you should be upset with your Mother more than your Father.

Appears he was working his A** off for her and hers ! Sometimes the job's just dry up in some areas and a man has to search for and be employed elsewhere.

Do you feel you were abandoned? Another question, Those "Few " rare beatins you got...and say honestly...did you deserve them?

Back in the day, when we stepped out of line, we didnt get our I-Pads and Pods and our cell phones and X-Box's taken away...we got our A**'es WHOOPED !...and we knew why !

Just suggesting...put your emotions aside, give this an unbiased re-evaluation. You may come about a different point of view.

Then decide if a meeting is in order.

One day it will be to late for him to tell you He's sorry for what you feel he's put you through.

DD

tomsteve

The concept of "no" being a complete sentence and all I had to say was something that took a while for me to understand.
But it sure works for me.
I don't know the complete story with your father and am trulymsorrymfor whatever happened, but think about this:
You don't have any other family( sort of a lie as ya got one here. We're kinda strange, but family!!!) and that does have to be hard.
But would the chance of gloom,dispair, and misery be worth contact with your father?
One thing I'm very greatful to read is ya feel bad for him. Forgiveness is an amazing thing- something ivemhad to work on for people from my past.
However, I think if I allowed them people in my life still forgiveness would have not been possible. I think I would have had to keep practicing forgiveness on a regular basis while circus music was playing in my head.
And I truly believe you deserve to have peace and serenity.
Which has me thinking of another question-
Do y think it possible to have any peace and serenity if you allowed him to continue to be in your life?

silentrun

I am dealing with a bit of this myself lately. My mom would never want to speak to me unless it was to preach but what would I do if she did? I am more concerned about her feelings then mine. I had to default to how I would want my own daughter to react if I was the one pulling all the crap. I would want her to protect herself first. If this meeting would cause you pain then you have a right to protect yourself. Hell, some of us don't have parents that will so we are it.

Latte

In my personal experience, talking to someone outside of the picture (a therapist? or LCSW) I know, I know…therapy? I find that when I try and run from the past-even if I'm trying to assert myself and keep up my boundaries, I invite old feelings of self hatred back in to my life. I really like The Language of Letting Go and many of her other books. I know reading some books about growing up in a dysfunctional home helped me also. I drank and used so I didn't have to feel those feelings and many others. Being attacked by those feelings when we get clean and sober and then dealing with the people who just help them rush right back in to your minds and lives, it can be very overwhelming.

Just my .02

Verte

Have you felt respected by your parents as a child or adult? Is either parent capable of respect?

How realistic is it to continue to spend 'every waking moment' trying to figure out a story that is not your own? What is your truth, your story, Stratman? Last night I read your post in ACOA and felt incredible sadness for a variety of reasons. But as relates to you, sadness because I read your funny story as actually being a sad and traumatic experience for any child, including you at the age of five. Maybe you have spent enough of your lifetime surviving others' decisions and circumstances? Spent enough time turning what is sad and traumatic into tolerable and funny in order to survive. As a child you had very little choice. How much of a choice do you feel you have as an adult?

Therapy is good. A lot is accomplished with willingness, respect and a good working relationship.

Anna

Yeah, Strat, I think many of us ACOA's spent ridiculous amounts of time trying to figure out our families and why things were the way they were. I spent so much time over-thinking in hopes of making some sense of things. In the end, I stepped away, not completely, but enough to clear my head. I'm sorry that this is so hard and I hope that you are able to find a way to let go of the pain.

Spacegoat

For the purpose of my own sanity I try to see them as equal these days. Although I do feel bad for him like I said, but not her. Tiny pangs of guilt ever now and again which is only really me trying to find a way to blame myself as I have always done. I've even tried to give her outs by thinking that, well, she got pregnant by accident and never wanted to settle down so that's where her resentment/deviousness comes from. And still that's not to right.

Look I have to give him credit for that at least. He has worked hard all his life, and does work hard. I don't know what for because he has nothing to show for it. And yes he traveled oversea's to find work when I was small, I'm sure he worked hard as he doesn't know how to enjoy himself, every week he sent his wages back which were to go in the bank (bet that was my mothers idea, just thought of that) and then came home thinking he was wealthy. He would have had all these plans of a big house, sending his kids to college all this but there was nothing. And he forgave! Easily, must have done. Bet she played the 'poor me, can't help it' card and got off scott free, which she still does to this F'N day. She has never been held accountable to anyone for anything, lots of things.

And then he took us with him oversea's. And continued to work his ass off. Look it's the truth, I hated him with a passion when I was a teen, even busted him with a headbutt on the main street one night (I felt really bad afterwards) and me and some friends were planning to beat him up when I told them what was going on at home once. But still its the truth. I spent most of my teens basically defending her, it was mainly verbal abuse daily but after a few days I would have enough and get lippy with him, then we would scrap, he was 3 times the size of me so I'd end up retreating out of the house for a few days. Luckily I was always welcomed where I went then. He must have been a bit co-de on her then, I am also thinking recently.

As for your question, did I deserve beatings as a child? Of course not. I have kids myself so it is something I have given a lot of thought to, more like realizations. For example, once and only once I raised my voice to my son. I was really busy and under some pressure, he was all throwing things around and making loads of noise (probably because I was ignoring him now I think of it, a rare occurrence in any case) he wouldn't do what I was telling him and I was frustrated so I shouted his name at him. He was in shock! Had to drop what I was doing then and console him for about an hour, he was that shook. Anyway for about 6 weeks afterwards every night at bedtime, which was always for both of us or so he thought, he would bring it up. "remember when you shouted at me? that wasn't very nice. I was frightened. you never shout at me" and every night I had to explain, and that I was sorry, and that I got angry for a second, and that i would never do it again… I felt bad actually. So yeah, thats a no.

One time I remember he gave me what I thought at the time was a severe beating, I was definitely shook up bad. I got a lot of paint on my t-shirt at school, he completely lost it anyway. It was just (very hard) slaps but there was terror involved, he lost control. I was only 7 or 8, he must have been frustrated about about something else because that is the only time I remember tbf. Actually another time was when my babysitter found their porno, put it on and sucked me off (bit weird for her being twice my age?) and when he noticed it moved, I copped a bad enough beating for that. Again only 7 or 8. Sound's a bit like a narcisstic reacion to me.

Got scolded a lot of times by him, but all of my fun or loving childhood memories are with him, I think thats why I feel bad for him and always have done. He must have been half good once. I wish that someone could help him but I know that they can't. I can't, I've tried everything, bad idea. I even fired what I found a very helpful philosophical quote when I was dealing with a lot of shadows myself at him (he has a degree in philosophy htf) recently to see if he could process it. Well, he couldn't and responded with an irrelevant pseudo-personal attack (about the internet) then on top, he got my aunt on my case that I'm spending too much time on the net and must think I'm a 'professor' pffffft. So thats what I get for trying to help, and worse much worse probably. Still, no less sad based on what i have already said.

Do I feel I was abandoned? Yeah, bigtime. The few years when he was working oversea's I must have been neglected a lot. I had friends house's to go to and my cousin babysat sometimes but apart from that I imagine it was neglect. I mean, all I remember about my mother was a smell of drink, those kinda beatings I mentioned in the ACo forum eh, this morning sometime, and getting a pound or so to F' off to the shops which were half a mile away. I had my own adventures so that was ok. Got caught out in a storm once, I had to hold on to a lamppost to not get blown away, my legs were like flying in the wind. I was 5. Also, my mother managed to blow a grand a week throughout this time and all I remember was eating slices of bread, she must have been somewhere (i.e. the pub). Seen loads of horror movies around that time too. All the nightmare on Elm streets etc. I don't know who was minding me, it wasn't her anyway. Still though, I have some fond memories of playing from this time.

When we moved to the UK though it was different. I was definately abandoned most of the time. Certainly unsupervised. Because all my happy memories I was on my own or with some other misfit, and no not just let out for an hour to play. Walking through the town on my own following the musics, or hanging out with teenagers at the park. I was 7,8,9. Think I got sexually assaulted at that park also, a hazy memory that one. There was loads of 'weird' stuff happening at that park. Drinking, drugs, sex. I would come home from school and the house would be locked, no idea where my mother was. So I would head over to this park. Also, I would be hungry and there was an indian lad on the estate, real dull little fellow, but his mother was a great cook so I would convince him that we would go and play at his place! His mother was on to this scam anyway, look- ya do what ya gotta do lol. Even when I was a teenager I used to buy my friends home dinners off them for a few cigarettes on the regular, to me it was gourmet cousine I'd even pay them to go get seconds.

I do hate to say it, but if anyone should be in the gutter it should be my mother. And not me maybe, or even my total fool of a father. I have not one good memory with her, not a single thing. She used to get me bring home bags of stolen shopping too during another period when she was working briefly as a shop assistant in the Uk, that's why they had to leave I think, the police came around, and i remember my parents dumping all these bags in the woods, I was in the car. I have never had any of my needs met by her, from as a toddler to a teen the only time I ever had her attention was when I was ill. Chickenpox, fever or whatever and I only figured out recently that has more to do with her own fear of mortality and the authorities than anything to do with me. B*tch