Observing friends, with a heavy heart....
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Observing friends, with a heavy heart....
I have a few friends that fall into this category. Today's though really kind of stands out.
This friend posted on social media about dealing with a lifelong struggle with "mental illness". He has shared here and there about struggles, emotions, challenges. Has reached out on the odd occasion, looking for guidance.
I've witnessed him try medication, counseling, exercise, all in fits and all without ever seeming to commit consistently.
The one thing he's done - consistently - is drink. And do drugs. I've known him for over 20 years. First met him when I was just a kid and at the beginning of my own addiction journey. He had a 3-4 year head start on me by that time. He was part of my introduction to drugs and alcohol.
In the past 5 years or so I've watched him gain weight, lose hair, look rough, bloated, puffy, red-faced. His efforts at self-improvement never really sticking for more than a week or two.
And now this.... now it's a focus on "mental illness".
Yet in all of that time, despite my sharing my own decision of sobriety and sharing some of the benefits - I've not seen him once consider maybe the real problem is alcohol and drugs.
It's sad, it's heavy, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it except continue to be a friend and to be there if ever he reaches out with the recognition that maybe he wants to really address what may actually be the underlying cause of it all.
I never realized it was the underlying cause of it all for me.... until I finally embraced sobriety and took action. Then, gradually, little by little, it became clear.
This friend posted on social media about dealing with a lifelong struggle with "mental illness". He has shared here and there about struggles, emotions, challenges. Has reached out on the odd occasion, looking for guidance.
I've witnessed him try medication, counseling, exercise, all in fits and all without ever seeming to commit consistently.
The one thing he's done - consistently - is drink. And do drugs. I've known him for over 20 years. First met him when I was just a kid and at the beginning of my own addiction journey. He had a 3-4 year head start on me by that time. He was part of my introduction to drugs and alcohol.
In the past 5 years or so I've watched him gain weight, lose hair, look rough, bloated, puffy, red-faced. His efforts at self-improvement never really sticking for more than a week or two.
And now this.... now it's a focus on "mental illness".
Yet in all of that time, despite my sharing my own decision of sobriety and sharing some of the benefits - I've not seen him once consider maybe the real problem is alcohol and drugs.
It's sad, it's heavy, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it except continue to be a friend and to be there if ever he reaches out with the recognition that maybe he wants to really address what may actually be the underlying cause of it all.
I never realized it was the underlying cause of it all for me.... until I finally embraced sobriety and took action. Then, gradually, little by little, it became clear.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Yeah, I can completely relate, as I'm sure many of us here can. Blame anything but the bottle / drugs, right? I know I would. My parents, the town I grew up in, my childhood, my oldest brother, the fact I'm a little eccentric, that I'm gay, anything but the bottle.
Same went for health issues. Not feeling very good for a few days, and decide it's because I wasn't eating enough greens. No thought of the 1L of whiskey I was pouring down my throat daily. Nope, it was lack of broccoli!
Us addicts have a funny way of rationalizing things.
Same went for health issues. Not feeling very good for a few days, and decide it's because I wasn't eating enough greens. No thought of the 1L of whiskey I was pouring down my throat daily. Nope, it was lack of broccoli!
Us addicts have a funny way of rationalizing things.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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FreeOwl, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It is amazing what we will do to avoid the proverbial elephant in the room (pink or otherwise). And of course, mental illness makes addiction challenging: generations of bipolar folks in my father's family "treated" themselves with alcohol with the expected results.
Sending out peaceful thoughts to you and your friend. I do hope that there will be a time when the clouds part.
Sending out peaceful thoughts to you and your friend. I do hope that there will be a time when the clouds part.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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I have had to get rid of all expectations when it comes to friends and family getting sober. I spent my first year on a pink cloud and I was so baffled as to why everybody else didNot want to join me in bright eyed , cheery happiness.
I would lay awake at night thinking how happy they would be if they just got clean and sober. It was misery. I had to learn to accept that other peoples journey may not involve getting sober at all, or may involve a different type of sobriety - I just had to let it go to be happy.
I would lay awake at night thinking how happy they would be if they just got clean and sober. It was misery. I had to learn to accept that other peoples journey may not involve getting sober at all, or may involve a different type of sobriety - I just had to let it go to be happy.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I can relate, FreeOwl. I get to sit back and watch a close friend drink lots of his life away. He doesn't see how much it affects his life. He feels he is high functioning, and to some degree, I'd say he is good at functioning despite the drinking. Yet he complains of fatigue constantly. And he has a health issue that's got to be exacerbated by it, no doubt.
I try to be a good example of someone who's conquering addiction. One of the few
Statistically, the odds are against us, but I never let that stop me. I will continue to embrace sobriety. I hope one day he will decide to get sober too.
I try to be a good example of someone who's conquering addiction. One of the few
Statistically, the odds are against us, but I never let that stop me. I will continue to embrace sobriety. I hope one day he will decide to get sober too.
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he's seen a therapist and I believe continues to do so.
However, the logic in your statement is somewhat predicated on him actually sharing openly about his substance use.
I spent a lot of time over a lot of years going to therapy but not really addressing my substance abuse or addiction - because therapists cannot help with things we keep off to the side in our therapy.
However, the logic in your statement is somewhat predicated on him actually sharing openly about his substance use.
I spent a lot of time over a lot of years going to therapy but not really addressing my substance abuse or addiction - because therapists cannot help with things we keep off to the side in our therapy.
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend 
It's kind of pointless to go to therapy and hide stuff from the therapist. Sad.
in my own experience when I was in denial about the impact of my own substance abuse - it wasn't something I was willing to share truthfully or fully about in therapy.
I'm not sure I was even fully aware of my own self-editing.
The magic of addiction is that we can quite effectively fool even ourselves.
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I tried to compartmentalize my drinking and kept it out of most therapy discussions. My drinking was a major issue for me even in my mid twenties. The therapist was wise to keep bringing it back up. I wanted to "fix" myself without having to stop drinking.
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Thanks FreeOwl, I am still early in sobriety but you have really hit on an issue that has been tough for me. Having to let go of friends and wishing some of the ones I am not able to let go of would snap out of it and see how much alcohol is affecting them.
I know it is hard to watch friends suffer. Your sharing on this site has helped me immensely over the past several months(that goes for the people who have replied on this thread as well),
I hope one day and soon he sees what you you are saying is true.
I did the same thing with a therapist. Until I realized it was an addiction I didn't think that could possibly be a problem...
I know it is hard to watch friends suffer. Your sharing on this site has helped me immensely over the past several months(that goes for the people who have replied on this thread as well),
I hope one day and soon he sees what you you are saying is true.
I did the same thing with a therapist. Until I realized it was an addiction I didn't think that could possibly be a problem...
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"I wanted to "fix" myself without having to stop drinking". - Soberpotamus
Wow !!!...Didnt we all want to !
Owl, sorry to hear about your friend. Only thing you can do is keep your side of the street in order and hope he notices. Then, if he approaches you about it maybe suggest to him in a non-judgemental way that it is possible he could do the same on his side of the street.
Lead by example.
DD
Wow !!!...Didnt we all want to !
Owl, sorry to hear about your friend. Only thing you can do is keep your side of the street in order and hope he notices. Then, if he approaches you about it maybe suggest to him in a non-judgemental way that it is possible he could do the same on his side of the street.
Lead by example.
DD
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
FreeOwl -
Don't loose hope!! Many of us were of the hopeless variety and look at how transformation has taken place?!?
Embrace the fact he is not ready and spread the message of hope!!
We are saved by hope - hope that is seen is not hope, for what a man seeth, why does he yet hope for???
I have faith your friend will get there. It's amazing he has you, that's the hope he has
peace
Don't loose hope!! Many of us were of the hopeless variety and look at how transformation has taken place?!?
Embrace the fact he is not ready and spread the message of hope!!
We are saved by hope - hope that is seen is not hope, for what a man seeth, why does he yet hope for???
I have faith your friend will get there. It's amazing he has you, that's the hope he has
peace
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
You are doing what you can by staying sober. Whether you know it or not he is watching your new life. Maybe someday he will want what you have, maybe not.
Leading by example is the one thing that may make him consider giving up drugs and alcohol
Leading by example is the one thing that may make him consider giving up drugs and alcohol
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
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And how many of us started off thinking there had to be some special reason, trigger, force that made us drink?
And that actually we drank whether we were happy, sad, upset, scared, lonely, in company, celebrating, commiserating, loosing, winning whatever?
The actual reason we drank was that we liked alcohol too much and after 1 drink many of could just not stop.
And that actually we drank whether we were happy, sad, upset, scared, lonely, in company, celebrating, commiserating, loosing, winning whatever?
The actual reason we drank was that we liked alcohol too much and after 1 drink many of could just not stop.
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