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Need feedback
I know this is Family: the drama part 5-6-7 whatever.
I was distressed awhile back because I had not heard anything from my immediate or extended family regarding the flooding rains we had a couple of weeks ago. So my aunt (of whom I am named after) calls me last night. I did not pickup. She left a message as follows -
Hi... just wondered how you are doing with the rain and all. I haven't talked to you in an age (about a year to be honest) I am going to dinner in 10 minutes. Hope all is well. Bye
WTF?
I was distressed awhile back because I had not heard anything from my immediate or extended family regarding the flooding rains we had a couple of weeks ago. So my aunt (of whom I am named after) calls me last night. I did not pickup. She left a message as follows -
Hi... just wondered how you are doing with the rain and all. I haven't talked to you in an age (about a year to be honest) I am going to dinner in 10 minutes. Hope all is well. Bye
WTF?
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Sorry - She has not contacted me for almost a year. And she is calling about 2 weeks late. If she cared so much, why didn't she call when it was happening (for 6 weeks). Also, she said she called 10 mins before she had to leave for dinner. Why bother?
Its an opportunity to lighten your burden, is my take on things as you have presented with respect to your family. Every once in awhile, over a span of decades, my parents would leave a message if there was no contact over several months. Sometimes I would respond, other times I did not. When I did respond I already knew that nothing had or would change between us. Not expecting something else than what was actually given to me freed me to give in ways that otherwise I wouldn't have done so because I would want the same in return. As I said in other posts, my emotional expectations did me more harm than did their lack of emotional warmth.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't respond, ArtFriend. I am saying if you see an opportunity to give in a way which brings self-respect and redemption of your faith in yourself, than follow your heart, and let your head work out whatever details must be endured to ensure your own peace with yourself.
You are important enough to yourself to be authentically bothered by what is happening. That in itself is a huge and wonderful achievement!! Seriously. So yeah, do follow through on making the best out of the impossible situations so often created within dysfunctional families, whatever way you best see yourself moving forward. Sorry for your pains, my friend.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't respond, ArtFriend. I am saying if you see an opportunity to give in a way which brings self-respect and redemption of your faith in yourself, than follow your heart, and let your head work out whatever details must be endured to ensure your own peace with yourself.
You are important enough to yourself to be authentically bothered by what is happening. That in itself is a huge and wonderful achievement!! Seriously. So yeah, do follow through on making the best out of the impossible situations so often created within dysfunctional families, whatever way you best see yourself moving forward. Sorry for your pains, my friend.
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So it seems you have a resentment against her for not calling you in a year, and so when she called, you did not want to pick up because you are upset at her, right? You would prefer if she had called you when everything is "normal," rather than just waiting to call you when there is an emergency?
Why can't you just be glad she called at all? I thought you wanted them to call you, and when someone calls, you just pick holes in it. People do not always perform to our expectations. We have to accept that or be discontent all the time.
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Yes, I get what you are saying. But we as alcoholics have to be careful about taking things too personally and developing resentments, or else we can possibly use. Could it be possible to talk to her about what you are feeling.
I wonder what the conversation could have been, had you picked up....
I can understand feeling sad and frustrated when people don't call, feeling lonely and disconnected, feeling maybe they don't care.
When they do call, though - whatever the reason - perhaps that's a chance to tip things in another direction.
Also - turns out; phones work both ways.
It seems to me that the call and the message you received is an opportunity to see it the way you seem to be seeing it - OR - an opportunity to simply see it as someone taking a moment to reach out to you. A moment someone was thinking of you.
Choice is a powerful thing.
I can understand feeling sad and frustrated when people don't call, feeling lonely and disconnected, feeling maybe they don't care.
When they do call, though - whatever the reason - perhaps that's a chance to tip things in another direction.
Also - turns out; phones work both ways.
It seems to me that the call and the message you received is an opportunity to see it the way you seem to be seeing it - OR - an opportunity to simply see it as someone taking a moment to reach out to you. A moment someone was thinking of you.
Choice is a powerful thing.
I would just be grateful that she called. Sometimes you have to let the old family stuff go. They just don't always act the way we want them to. She has her own stuff going on and she had probably been meaning to call cause she was thinking of you. Then she didn't have a lot of time when she thought of it. It's ok. She is doing the best she can.
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It's sort of like the ABC's of cognitive behavioral therapy. The A(Activating Event) is your aunt calling and leaving you the message. Your B(Belief) is what you think about her call and message. And the C(Consequence) is the emotional result of your belief. So if you choose to believe that her message was disingenuous, then that is going to lead to an emotional reaction in you of feeling upset. If you choose to believe that she reached out in the best way that she could at the time, then your emotion is likely to be happier. A lot of the times it is about how we choose to perceive situations.
I always look to see if my side of the street is clean. I ask myself if I have been reaching out to others or when they reached out in the past was I drunk.
What was my role in the situation?
What was my role in the situation?
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