Trying to let go of my addict ex boyfriend
 

Hello all,

I have been reading these threads and posts for months now. I finally created a profile today.

My story is similar to many on here who are loved ones of addicts. My ex boyfriend and I had such a wonderful relationship in the beginning. Then I found out he has an opiate addiction and has been battling it for many years. These last few months have been one of the worst times of my entire life. He constantly pushes me away and isolates himself, which is one of the reasons why we broke up. When he isolates, he'll go weeks without seeing me or even returning my texts or calls. Then he'll contact me out of the blue and want to pick up where we left off, like nothing happened. He'll even say things to me like "We never broke up. I never left you." Really? What else would you call not speaking to me for 2 months? My birthday was during one of his "isolation periods" and he didn't even contact me to say happy birthday. But we never broke up? Right, ok.

It is the most confusing thing I have ever witnessed. I have so many unanswered questions. Since he has been addicted for many years, I can't help but wonder if he ever really loved me like he claims he does, or if it was "just the drugs talking." I wonder if he has any moments of clarity and feels guilty or remorseful about what he has put me through, and how much he has hurt me. I know nothing about opiates, percocets, or drug addiction. The only thing I know for sure is that I hurt every day now. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am in the process of finding a good therapist who specializes in addictions and co-dependency. I need the help badly, I am in over my head and obviously can't get through this on my own. The whole situation is literally driving me mad. I know I deserve better than this.

I texted my ex this morning and told him that I can't do this anymore. I have no idea what goes on in his head that makes him think he can unilaterally decide when he wants to be in a relationship with me, depending on how he feels that particular day, or where he's at in his latest "recovery attempt." I am not a revolving door... he doesn't get to walk away whenever he wants and come back whenever he wants. I have done everything I can to be there for him and support him with whatever he has needed. And all I've gotten in return is heartache. I told him this morning to stay away from me and leave me alone, so that I can heal and move on from this. Then I blocked his cell phone number, his email address, Facebook, Instagram... so he can't contact me again. I am hoping that I'll find the strength to stick to my guns this time with the No Contact.

Thank you all for letting me vent. Please tell me that this will get easier, and that someday soon I will start to feel better.

Hi, GettngStronger- welcome to SR. There is a lot of support here.

I myself am the addict in my home, so I cannot speak to codependency much but someone from SR who can will be along very soon.

There is also a Friends and Family section that you may find helpful.

It certainly sounds like you are making giant strides toward protecting yourself- you will heal from this!

Hello and welcome! :) We have a friends and family of substance abusers forum that might give you some additional insight. You were smart to go no contact. Just make sure you don't break it. I wish you well in therapy. I saw a counselor for several years and it was very helpful.

:hug:

Welcome, it sounds like you have made the best decision for yourself.

Hello: I'm proud of you for making the no contact desicion. It is so hard but sometimes it is the healthiest thing to do. You have to stick to your guns and show that you are serious. You do not need that drama in your life and you deserve a healthy relationship.

Be strong! You can do it.

Hi there! That's absolutely awesome that you decided to get him out of your life! I, too, am going through a breakup with my ex of 4 years. We both had a terrible drinking problem and I was at my brink with the last fight that finally broke us up. It's been just over a month, the day I ended it was the first day I decided to get sober. I feel great health-wise, but I miss him terribly but I know it was for the best. Our relationship that was once AMAZING, turned nothing but a fighting, toxic mess!! I miss him with all of my heart, but I miss the OLD him, which I doubt will ever be back! I totally know what you're going through! I, too, found secrets out about him that should've been out on the table WAY sooner than they were! Let me not even get into the stupid lies! UGH!
I hope you're doing ok today! It's a brand new day with brand new possibilities! <3

I am sorry for what you are having to go through. I think that over time, all break-ups get easier. *hugs*

You might want to check out the Family and Friends of alcoholics forum. Lots of great advice from people going through stuff very similar to you.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Hi GettingStronger,
His behavior obviously did not make sense and seemed irrational, but that is what our behavior as addicts can be like. His Sober Self wanted to call and contact you and act as if nothing happened, but his Addictive Self wanted to use and isolate. Sometimes my addicted husband behaves in ways that do not make sense to me, and I find some of his ways very insensitive. But I don't take it personally anymore, and I just name those crazy behaviors His Alcoholism. I love him and so far have not reached my bottom with him yet like you have with your ex, but it has helped me to understand him more by naming those crazy parts of himself as Alcoholism and externalizing the problem.

Welcome to the Forum!! :wave:

I am so sorry that you have to go through that. I am on the other side... I am the addict and my husband is the one who has had to suffer through it. I do not isolate myself quite like your ex but I have done things that make it harder for him to try and support me. I guess in the end the only saving grace that has kept us together is honesty. He lets me know exactly how he is feeling and I try to let him know what it feels like to be an addict. We have been together for 8 years now. I was an addict when we met and this will be the first time being sober while in our relationship. I hope he loves the sober me as much as he loved the pill popping fun time me.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, and for your support. BeatrixBird, it was interesting to hear your side of it, being the addict. It gave me some perspective as to what may have been going on in my ex's mind at times. It's funny you mentioned that you hope your husband loves the sober you as much as he loved the pill popping fun you. My ex tried several times to get clean, even did a brief stint in rehab. I often worried if the sober him would love me as much as the addicted him loved me, although I never shared this with him. I wonder if he ever worried about the same thing with me. I'm not sure at this point whether he ever loved me at all though, to be completely honest. We never developed any effective communication skills or honesty, due to him constantly pushing me away and refusing to explain things or let me in. The constant shutting me out drove me absolutely crazy. Then he'd blame me for assuming things, told me I was projecting, or that I was drawing my own conclusions or overreacting. It was never his fault.

As for you, BeatrixBird, good luck in your sobriety. Your husband must love you very much to be with you through 8 years of your addiction. I bet that your husband will not only love the sober you as much as the addicted you, he will probably love you even more. :)

Dating an addict is an emotional roller coaster. I let go of my recovering alcoholic gf after a few years together as I just couldn't handle the sporadic isolation and distancing any longer. It wore down my emotional fortitude. At the time, I didn't know much about addictive behavior and it was hard for me to understand what was going on with her. After the break up, ironically I understand her better now than when we were together. I know now that it was not her disregard for me but rather her self preservation mechanism. Should I have been more compassionate...yes but at the time I wasn't knowledgeable enough to do so. But the real questions is do I want to subject myself to be in a relationship with this kind of dynamics. Her underlying addiction issues weren't going away any time soon so I would have had to accept the emotional ups and downs as a way of life with her. Is it all worth it? It's a very personal question for each of us going thru the struggles of trying to love an addict.