Newbie in need of support
 

I don't know where to start.. I feel scared, lost, lonely. When you start thinking that you have a drinking problem I guess it means that you probably do. Saying I'm an alcoholic seems crazy. I've always thought of alcoholics as really shabby people who's drunk almost 24/7 and their life is a real mess and all they do is drink all day. I'm not like that, but I've learned that you don't have to be like that to have a drinking problem.

I can't really remember when I started questioning my drinking habits. I feel it has slowly gotten worse. Partying has always been fun. I think I was maybe 15 the first time I got drunk. From that age to I got pregnant at 19 partying was a pretty normal thing for me. Just normal social drinking. Of course I didn't drink when I was pregnant. I had my daughter when I was 20. I can remember back when she was a baby that I might relax with a beer or two at night. Nothing that would make me think I had a problem. The earliest memory I can remember that is a sign that something was wrong is waking up one morning on the bathroom floor with my daughter standing over me asking what I was doing. Someone left a bottle of Jägermeister after a party and I drank it. I don't even like hard liquor like that, but I still drank it.. Alone. Thinking back to that, I feel disgusted with myself. I have a couple more little episodes that are red flags. Not gonna write about them all, but they all makes me realize that I have a problem.

Even though I feel things started getting out of hand years ago I think it REALLY got out of hand when I fell in love with a guy that had a serious drinking problem. I don't blame him, because I had signs even before him that I had a problem, but I guess it got even worse after I met him. Alcohol was an everyday thing mostly. Even though I managed to keep it somewhat under control. We drank lots the weekends my daughter was with her dad, but when she was around I kept it "under control". I might had a couple of beers at night, but never too much I would totally lose control. I ended things with that guy little over a year ago. Finally managed to end things for good. He wasn't a good person.

After the relationship ended I still had a couple of beers at night. And I was looking forward to the days and nights she was at her dad or somehere else so I could drink freely. That's really sad looking forward to your child being somewhere else so you can drink as much as you want to. Everytime she's away it's not just a quiet night at home with a movie or something. It's always party and alcohol and waking up hung over. I'm sick of it.

In January I met a guy. I was so happy I finally met a good guy! A nice guy with a good job and so on. But after a couple of months I slowly started realizing that YES, he's a good guy. He's nice, has a good job and so on... but he drinks too much. I think I really understood it when he opened a beer at 8 in the morning. Had four and went to sleep again at 11. I don't think there's been one day since we met that it hasn't been a day without at least a couple of beers. I promised myself from the last relationship that I wouldn't get into a relationship like that again. My ex was a mean drunk, this one is a nice drunk so it just feels like my old relationship, only without the nasty. I don't like it and I know I need to end it because I've learned that things won't get better. My ex knew he had a problem and I tried helping. My current boyfriend I don't think realizes he has a problem, so how would I help him anyway? I don't even want to because I promised myself to never ever try to help someone with that again. All I know is that I need to help myself and if I'm gonna do that I can't be with someone with the same problem as me.

I know I'm rambling now, but it feels good to finally post here. I've been reading on the forums now and then for probably two years now. I'm hoping that I can find some support on my journey. I want to stop drinking, but it also scares me thinking I will never have a beer again. How will life without be?! I'm not sure where to start, but I feel I've taken a step in the right direction posting here.

Welcome Nerina! You weren't rambling. :) I remember how great it was when I finally felt free to talk about my struggle. Glad you found us.

I had that same perception of alcoholics too. It took me many years to admit I was well on my way to being one of 'those people'. You're so right about needing to help yourself. Being here, where people understand and care, will really help. You can do it!

Thank you for the nice reply :) This is the first time I admit to someone that I do have a problem with alcohol so it's a huge step I think.

I want to add that I do take care of my daughter everyday. I don't want anyone to think I drink myself ********* and isn't able to take care of her. She's the most important person in my life and I love and take care of her everyday. I'm not the kind of parent that is asleep on the couch drunk when she comes home from school. I guess maybe I fall under the functioning alcoholic category? =/ I've messed up a couple of times like the situation I mention in my first post, but I don't want people to think I'm a bad mother :( but I do feel guilty that I HAVE to have those two, three beers at night. I can go days without drinking, but I still crave those beers. Ugh, I want a normal life.

Welcome Nernia, SR is a great place.

Congratulations with your decision to stop.

Try not to think too much about never ever drinking again. Rather try this - I will not drink now. I will not drink today. Take baby steps.

Cheers,

ZAB

Welcome to SR Nerina

Hi Nerina.

Congratulations on choosing to quit and for joining SR.

It is scary at the beginning, for me the thought of no more drink ever again was almost like a bereavement. But don't think of it in that way, just make sure you don't drink for a day at a time.

It also takes time to re programme your social life away from drinking. Keep posting and asking for advice when you need it

That's true.. baby steps. Thinking to far into the future makes it harder and easier to fail :) I'm hoping it will at least be a little easier when I can come here for support since I feel pretty lonely about it here. I know several people who struggle with alcohol, but don't believe they wanna quit so those are people I should stay away from.

Thank you! :)

Thank you :) I think changing my social life is gonna be very important. There's people I need to stay the hell away from and then I have people I can do stuff with sober. My normal social drinking friends. Those are the people I can actually do something with other than drinking. I have some friends I only meet when there's drinking going on.

Welcome to SR, Nerina; glad you found us.

The thought of life without was scary for me, also, but I eventually reached a point where a life with alcohol was more frightening than a life without alcohol.

Congratulations on your decision to lead a sober life. You can do this.

Thank you :) Yeah, I guess after a while life WITH alcohol can seem more scary. Especially if you remember all the horrible situations drinking has put you in that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for alcohol. Happy I can come here and talk to other and get support :) I think that's going to be helpful :)

Welcome!

Saoutchik made the most important point about worrying about "no beer forever". That's not what it's all about. It's really just about today. It's that simple and complicated all at the same time.

Time changes people. How they think, feel, and process reality. 10 years ago I never would have thought in a million years I'd be going through the early stages of sobriety and posting on this forum. With that in mind, 10 years from now isn't even on my radar. There's no way to accurately understand where you'll be 10 years from now so worrying about it isn't worth it.

Just work a day at a time and enjoy each little victory. The rest will work itself out.

Thanks :) I've had my "couple of beers" tonight. Tomorrow I'm gonna try my best not having anything. I can do it :)

Welcome Nerina! You will find tons of support here on this site. It has helped me tremendously. I was a daily beer drinker, but never could stop at just a couple... I am on day 18 now and feel so much better! Without reading and posting here, I'm not too sure if I could have made it.

Good luck on your journey! :)

Welcome to the family. :) I hope the support here can help you get sober for good. :hug:

Welcome Nerina :)

Sounds like you already have a good idea of what you need to do. Focus on yourself for now, get sober and stay that way and I think you'll be in a much better place then to think about your relationship and your partners drinking issues :)

D

Thank you! Congrats on 18 days. That is awesome :) It's great there's a place like SR we can come to for support.

Thank you!

I do know what I need to do. It's the "do it" part that's kind of a struggle. But I'm gonna go to bed now and get through tomorrow as best as I can. Even if I have to take it an hour at a time tomorrow.

Welcome to the Forum Nerina!! :wave:

It's so nice to feel good about yourself. I love feeling like a good mother and knowing alcohol isn't my priority. You can do this!!

Welcome to SR :)

We can support you with the do it part :)

Check out our Class of June support thread, if you haven't already :
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2015-a-13.html

D