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Midnight, finally to Day 4

Old 06-03-2015, 09:26 PM
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Midnight, finally to Day 4

For the last ten years, I have binged on alcohol every couple of days. I started young, right after 21, and right after my divorce. Now 31, I feel enough is enough...so here I am on Day 4.

Like most of you, I too am bored. Drinking seemed to make everything better, well until I woke up the next morning smh. When I think about it, I started off drinking in a group...somewhere between year 2 and 3, I became more comfortable drinking alone. That's what I've always done. Going home to alcohol was/is equivalent to going home to a lover. No BS, I don't know how else to explain that. I would often get excited too, before the school day was over, I always knew I had a bottle waiting for me.

About 4 years ago, I truly tried to stop. And I could never make it past day 3. The guilt was/is terrible but, I still kept going back. After day 1, I always feel confused. Like I'm betraying my own feelings or something. I'm scared, anxious, I'm crying on and off hell, I even walk around my own apt on eggshells, even when I'm home alone. My son is gone for the summer and there is no way in hell that I can keep doing what I was when he gets back. Granted, he's never saw me intoxicated bc I always waited for him to go to sleep...sad I know but, I LIVED for his bedtime. And in the process, I missed a lot of stuff he had going on in school. Barely had energy to help him with homework. Yeah, can't repeat that.

Currently, I have a barely there relationship...long distance...almost 1000 miles in between us so you already know, the support is non-existent. He isn't even someone I'm comfortable being open about this with, I told him some things while drunk off my ass and he just listened mostly. I was grateful for his ear, I just don't think he cares either way. Honestly, I don't think I should be in a relationship at all but, I'm scared to be alone right now. My family and I don't talk and the funny thing is that those reasons have nothing to do with alcohol but alcohol is the thing I was drove to due to childhood bs that just came to light. Small snippet, I told my mother that my stepfather sexually abused me while growing up...crazy thing is she already knew. She cut me off and stayed with him, family took their side and that is all the reason why, I kept that in for almost 17 years. Basically, my support system isn't one. That's cool, just trying to figure out how to be strong on my own, finally.

Didn't mean to ramble on and on...your posts have provided some comfort for me and its crazy how a lot of us sound the same.
Peace to you all.

Now looking forward to Day 5.
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Old 06-03-2015, 09:53 PM
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Really glad you found us amaze me - there's tons of support here

Congrats on day 4

D
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Old 06-03-2015, 09:56 PM
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Congratulations! The good news is you will feel even better 24 hours from now when you have another day sober. You can do this!
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Old 06-04-2015, 01:24 AM
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That's a great start, amazeme! And welcome- it's good to have you with us.
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Old 06-04-2015, 01:34 AM
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Welcome to SR amazeme and congrats on day four.

There really is a lot of support here.

Best of luck on the way forward.
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Old 06-04-2015, 04:03 AM
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Welcome to SR, amazeme; you have a great place for support, understanding and encouragement.

Congratulations on Day 5.
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Old 06-04-2015, 09:15 AM
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Thanks to you all for responding. I'm just waking up bc I didn't fall to sleep until about 4am! Sleep is totally out of whack...I'm sure some of you know what that feels like. Today I wanted to get out, wash my car, exercise...I wanted to stay busy I honestly don't have the energy. I may walk later at the park.

Anyone else take it real slow at first? This is literally, one day at a time.
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Old 06-04-2015, 09:46 AM
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You are wise to take it slowly. You are healing and things may be up and down the next few weeks. Take good care of yourself.
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Old 06-04-2015, 10:28 AM
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It will take a while for your body to recover. Don't sweat it. Be kind to yourself and eat well. Drink lots of water and just enjoy the recovery. You will see what I mean as you start to notice your body, mind and soul healing.
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Old 06-04-2015, 11:17 AM
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I had a rough go with "normal" sleep during the first week. Then some sort of switch flipped and my sleep has been fantastic. I get sleepy at my old normal time and go right through the night and waking up well rested with no hangover is something else. My snoring is greatly reduced (wife welcomes and approves this! lol)

I read and watched dumb movies late at night while struggling. Helped pass the time before things got normal again.

Congrats on 4 days!
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Old 06-04-2015, 11:20 AM
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Welcome Amazeme congrats on day 4 that is amazing
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Old 06-04-2015, 11:23 AM
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SR is so helpful. You guys send nothing but strength. I wrote my initial post bc of an urge to go out and get something to drink...sometimes I would tell myself, just get totally wasted AGAIN to remind yourself why you don't want to. Crazy right?

I would drink myself to sleep, wake up hungover, cry/struggle the whole day...wait a couple days to recover then, start all over again. Nothing but insanity.
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Old 06-04-2015, 11:31 AM
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Also, anyone else get SICK and TIRED of juggling the various liquor stores in your area? The paranoia I felt every time I went inside made my head hurt. I would sometimes sit in the car until I was the only one in the parking lot and THEN go inside. Now that I think about it, it was a job to get the alcohol and a job to hide it and a job to act normal around others. All these jobs and I gained not a damn thing. Except more headaches.

Smh. I don't want to go back to that. Gotta tell myself that everyday.
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Old 06-04-2015, 11:34 AM
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Hi amazeme, that is your AV (addictive voice) talking. Perhaps have a look at AVRT techniques. There is a link somewhere on top.

Stay close to SR and post. Whether you have urges or not. It is always good, especially in the beginning to have someone to share your experiences with. In this case - you have the whole SR. Chances are you will always find someone here regardless of your time zone.

I also found that reading the threads and peoples stories helped me a lot. I started my own thread to remind me how bad I felt and if I ever feel like drinking - I re-read those first few days. Maybe you would like to start your own daily journal?
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Old 06-04-2015, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by amazeme View Post
Also, anyone else get SICK and TIRED of juggling the various liquor stores in your area? The paranoia I felt every time I went inside made my head hurt. I would sometimes sit in the car until I was the only one in the parking lot and THEN go inside. Now that I think about it, it was a job to get the alcohol and a job to hide it and a job to act normal around others. All these jobs and I gained not a damn thing. Except more headaches.

Smh. I don't want to go back to that. Gotta tell myself that everyday.
I am sure others have that experience. Here in SA it is not really frowned upon. In fact I was just considered a very good customer.
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Old 06-04-2015, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by amazeme View Post
SR is so helpful. You guys send nothing but strength. I wrote my initial post bc of an urge to go out and get something to drink...sometimes I would tell myself, just get totally wasted AGAIN to remind yourself why you don't want to. Crazy right?

I would drink myself to sleep, wake up hungover, cry/struggle the whole day...wait a couple days to recover then, start all over again. Nothing but insanity.
Isn't it great when the insanity ends!!!!
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Old 06-04-2015, 11:54 AM
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Addictive voice? Wow, that makes a lot of sense. Keep forgetting my mind has to rewire itself. Another reminder to take it easy and it's okay.
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Old 06-04-2015, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by amazeme View Post
Addictive voice? Wow, that makes a lot of sense. Keep forgetting my mind has to rewire itself. Another reminder to take it easy and it's okay.
- what you do to your AV
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Old 06-04-2015, 12:11 PM
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Years back I used to switch up stores now and then but then I stopped giving a crap. I got to know everyone at my favorite store and we joked around a lot. I once told them that they should be more worried about the month they stop seeing me vs the # of times they normally see me. It's been 3 weeks since I've been there. There is no doubt that thoughts have crossed their minds.

I plan on stopping by once I'm sure entering a liquor store won't lead to doing something stupid and letting them know I'm fine but needed to knock it off completely. They'll be happy and sad all at the same time. haha
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Old 06-04-2015, 12:19 PM
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Yes, I have a journal and even took it a step further...started a video journal. I have recorded myself in venting mode while sober, intoxicated, and trying to recover. I'm also in film school, thought about making a documentary once I'm further successful with sobriety. I do believe it will help someone one day who may be in my same shoes now. And going back to read all these posts from time to time will be helpful, I do believe that.
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