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Feeling EXTREMELY hopeless!!

Old 06-03-2015, 01:11 PM
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Feeling EXTREMELY hopeless!!

I am new to this website, but I have been reading posts/replies on here for the last week or so. I have been sober for about a month now. Recently broken up with my ex, I felt it was the only necessary thing to do, seeing that was the major reason we broke up in the first place. We were in a relationship for just about 4 years. Of course everything was great at the beginning. I have always been a heavier drinker, but when we first started dating, I was actually a "just have a couple" drinker and that made me fall even harder for him! He ended up losing a really great job and after that, is when things went downhill. His whole attitude changed, he got pretty mean and through it all, I was doing my best to be there for him and reassure him that everything would work out. THAT is when we started drinking A LOT more. He was on unemployment, so he didn't have to worry about getting up for work. Even then, our fights weren't that bad and didn't happen often. Things started to progress with the more than not often drinking and then it was like fight after fight. One night, he took it to the next level and got physical with me. I have never been so terrified in my life. I couldn't believe this was the man that I loved and now that man was literally on top of me with his hands wrapped around my neck. I managed to get him off of me and I ran out of the house and down his street and the very first thing I did was call the police. He was arrested that night and I had to go to the station to file a report, which at that time I was just so shaken up and wanted nothing more but to go home. I never ended up pressing charges. He was ordered to have no contact with me. About 3 days later, I got a text from him saying that as he was texting, he was crying his eyes out because he couldn't believe what happened and how very sorry he was. Of course, my love for him allowed me to text him back and I got the good ol' "I will never do it again, I promise", which he never did, but we ended up seeing each other, against the protection order and we pretty much fell back where we left off before the physical abuse. We were doing great for a while and then the heavy drinking/verbal abuse started right back up. I can't sit here and say I am an angel. Believe me, I've had my fair share of saying mean things and being a belligerent drunk, but I couldn't just understand how could 2 people be so deeply in love and not cut the BS with so much drinking? Time and time again, I said we are not drinking so much and then the evening would come and it was like clockwork, he would say "how about just a couple"? As an alcohol lover, I always gave in. Anyhow! I am babbling now! I quit drinking because I wanted the best of me to come out again and I am NOT anywhere near my best when I am drinking vodka nips like they are going out of style!! In a way, I am thankful for this breakup, but I miss him with all of my heart. He promised me forever, promised to grow old with me, etc. I just don't know what to do anymore. I played my last card and texted him saying I want my necklace back and he tells me he doesn't have it. UGH!! Yes, you DO have it!! I just want to say how much I love him and miss him, but my fingers just can't do it. I know a sober life together would be absolutely amazing, but I feel that this was the final straw with us and this time it was ALL me that started it. I'm definitely NOT scared to be sober with him, my thing is, I don't think he WANTS to be sober and I can't be with him when he is drinking. I guess if it's meant to be, we will be together.
Does anyone have any similar story? Anything at all for me to relate to? I can't believe I have to do this WITHOUT him, it breaks my heart even more. He's broken my heart and it's "ME" that is left alone to pick up the zillion and 10 pieces and for THAT, I resent him and I think that's why I can't say I love or miss you to him.
By the way, this is my first post, so sorry if I am all over the place. I hope to hear back from someone!!
Thank you for your time!

~S~
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Old 06-03-2015, 01:27 PM
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Congratulations on your month of sobriety, Hopeless. That is very impressive, especially with all you have going on in your head and heart.

Now is the time to shift your focus away from your ex and on to the only person you are guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life: You. You can try to pick apart what happened all you like, but it's just pulling your energy away from your own recovery. I'm not an alcoholic, but I have a long history of relationship addiction -- believing I was not worthy unless I had a significant other to validate me, unable to exist happily in my own skin, and always wondering what I could do or say to make another person give me what I refused to give myself: love, respect, kindness, validation.

Through recovery I learned that I was never going to have a healthy relationship with anyone else until I built a healthy one with myself.

I'm very glad you found SR, though sorry for the reason you came looking. Please keep reading, there is a wealth of experience, strength, and hope on these boards. Good luck.
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Old 06-03-2015, 01:31 PM
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Some very good advise above from SparkleKitty.

"Through recovery I learned that I was never going to have a healthy relationship with anyone else until I built a healthy one with myself. " - I couldn't agree more with this statement.
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Old 06-03-2015, 01:36 PM
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Welcome to the site! I'd take the focus off the ex and put it on you and your sobriety. You've got to take care of yourself, first and foremost.
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Old 06-03-2015, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Congratulations on your month of sobriety, Hopeless. That is very impressive, especially with all you have going on in your head and heart.

Now is the time to shift your focus away from your ex and on to the only person you are guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life: You. You can try to pick apart what happened all you like, but it's just pulling your energy away from your own recovery. I'm not an alcoholic, but I have a long history of relationship addiction -- believing I was not worthy unless I had a significant other to validate me, unable to exist happily in my own skin, and always wondering what I could do or say to make another person give me what I refused to give myself: love, respect, kindness, validation.

Through recovery I learned that I was never going to have a healthy relationship with anyone else until I built a healthy one with myself.

I'm very glad you found SR, though sorry for the reason you came looking. Please keep reading, there is a wealth of experience, strength, and hope on these boards. Good luck.
Thanks so much Sparkle!! I feel all sparkly that there are websites like this to allow you to interact with people around the world who can relate to you!! This is just something I needed to do for me. I totally understand what you're saying. At this point, my main focus is on ME!! I've been trying to stay as busy as I can. Getting back out with friends walking, today I'm going to my girlfriend's for some BBQ! The ONLY thing is most of my friends drink. BUT! I quit smoking a while back (started back up like a loser, soon to quit again FOR GOOD) and most of my friends smoke too! I had ZERO desire to pick up a cigarette, in fact I was disgusted with the smell! So! I have complete faith in myself that I will be fine later!! I'm a strong girly!! It's very nice to meet you, by the way!
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Old 06-03-2015, 01:53 PM
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Thanks so much!! I am definitely taking this time to focus on myself!! I have been looking for inspirational quotes online and then some websites and then I found this website and everyone seems so friendly, caring, helpful and GENUINE! I'm so happy I found this site!!
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Old 06-03-2015, 01:56 PM
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Thumbs up

Originally Posted by TheRoadToNorm View Post
Some very good advise above from SparkleKitty.

"Through recovery I learned that I was never going to have a healthy relationship with anyone else until I built a healthy one with myself. " - I couldn't agree more with this statement.
I absolutely 100000% agree!! :-)
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Old 06-03-2015, 01:57 PM
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I agree that you should focus on yourself and your recovery. It takes a lot of energy to get and stay sober. Congratulations on 1 month of sobriety! Good work!
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Old 06-03-2015, 02:05 PM
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Welcome to SR, Hopeless; you will find support, encouragement and understanding here.

Glad that you fond SR and that you are working on your sobriety; congratulations on one sober month. Sobriety gets better and better!!!!
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Old 06-03-2015, 02:28 PM
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Thank you ladies!! I'm trying my hardest and with all I've got!! I'm a competitor and I won't let myself down with this!!! You guys are an amazing support system!
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Old 06-03-2015, 03:00 PM
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Hopeless, it's great to meet you. I'm very happy to know that through this rough time you've managed to get sober. We know how difficult that must have been.

I understand all too well how two people who love each other can end up in a terrible state - all because of alcohol. I agree with the others though - and I'm glad you're concentrating on getting your life together. Good things will follow. Congratulations on your one month sober - be proud of yourself for that.
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Old 06-03-2015, 03:47 PM
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You go girl
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Old 06-03-2015, 03:53 PM
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Welcome to SR Hopeless

I don't think you're hopeless at all - you'll find a lot of support wisdom and hope here

Like others have said I think this is a time to focus on you - you deserve better than you've gotten in the past, and now sounds like a great time to learn to treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others

D
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Old 06-04-2015, 08:43 AM
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Thank you Dee! <3

Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Welcome to SR Hopeless

I don't think you're hopeless at all - you'll find a lot of support wisdom and hope here

Like others have said I think this is a time to focus on you - you deserve better than you've gotten in the past, and now sounds like a great time to learn to treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others

D

I really appreciate those words!! Everyone here is so amazing and it makes such a difficult situation THAT MUCH easier to get through!! I'm not going to lie.. it hasn't been exactly "easy", but it's what I NEED to do and I'm going to do it!!! The sky is the limit!! Very nice to meet you!!
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Old 06-04-2015, 08:46 AM
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Thanks so much Hevyn!! Love your name, by the way!

Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
Hopeless, it's great to meet you. I'm very happy to know that through this rough time you've managed to get sober. We know how difficult that must have been.

I understand all too well how two people who love each other can end up in a terrible state - all because of alcohol. I agree with the others though - and I'm glad you're concentrating on getting your life together. Good things will follow. Congratulations on your one month sober - be proud of yourself for that.
You're so very right!! Life is so full of tests. Some we pass, some we fail!! I am going to pass this test in my life 110%!! I am going to come out of this even MORE amazing that I already am!! I need to gain my confidence back, because of the many things "he" took, that was one of them.. and I'll be damned if I'm going to let him get the best of me!! No way!! "I" will get the best of "ME"!! Very nice to meet you!
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Old 06-04-2015, 08:47 AM
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labgirl!!! <3

Originally Posted by labgirl View Post
You go girl
Thanks so much hunnie!! I am definitely GOING!! hehe!!! I hope you're having a great day! It's beautiful out here in Massachusetts! I can't wait to get out of work and get myself walking!! Woot, woot!!
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Old 06-04-2015, 09:17 AM
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Hi Hopeless. I am on day 4 sober and starting to feel better although also very very sad because I believe I will have to break up with my 49 yr old alcoholic boyfriend. I want to get sober and feel good and so sad that I probably dont stand a chance since my boyfriend is a big drinker and has been all his life. He has reduced drinking, for me, during the week although once weekend comes, its mimosas, then beer, then shots, then mixed drinks, morning til we pass out. Oh and every weekend we get into a huge fight!! I dont even look forward to weekends anymore because of the horrible nasty fights which I know is alcohol fueled, and extreme verbal abuse, which I am told is always my fault! I am so envious you have gone a month sober and actually ended the relationship!! I am here asking for advice from you now! I do love him so much but i need to love myself too! and i am also very very scared because all my friends are drinkers, although my girlfriends support my sobriety. I am worried i will be very lonely since what they like to do is go to bars, etc. so...now i will be without my boyfriend and my friends!! it will be just me and my dog....
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Old 06-04-2015, 10:32 AM
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Hi there!! Oh boy! I can COMPLETELY relate to your post!! Seriously! It sounds JUST like my own situation!! Same thing! Yup! We would get up on the weekends, lay around for a bit and wake up, which were probably the best moments in our relationship! We would laugh, be silly, cuddle, etc... but then the day would start and one of our first trips would be to the package store! It was all over from there!! Things would be great and then the inevitable would happen! The DRUNKEN FIGHT!! Ugh! Our fights were so stupid that I once said that we should be laughing at the fact we're both acting like a couple of tools!! This was repetitive behavior! We drank pretty much every single day! We didn't always fight, but more than none we did fight. Stupid, stupid, STUPID nonsense fights that if I told anyone what we fought about, they would probably think we were both just crazy!!
I can tell you that you're going to be fine! I don't know how much or how often you drank, but 4 days is something to be proud of!! If you're anything like me, I LOVE myself so much more sober! I don't understand why I drank so much in the first place? I am way more, if not completely more fun and have a better personality when I'm sober. For me, I didn't drink to enjoy it, enjoy the company around me... I drank to immediately get that drunk on!! I would drink about 5 vodka nip bottles in about 10min. so I can get buzzed! After that is when I would slow it down, but by that time, I was already acting a fool!!
You DO need to love yourself above anyone else! How long have you been with him for? You should maybe stay away while you work on yourself, it is probably for the best. I was with my ex for almost 4 years and I just had to walk away. The last fight we got into, I made my mind up then and there that I can't allow alcohol to destroy me anymore. I need to better myself and it's the most liberating feeling I've ever felt! "I" am in control and no one or nothing will control me ever again!!
I'm so sorry you're going through this! Reading your post totally sounded just like me and my ex!!
Keep your head up girly and be proud of yourself you're on day 4! That is awesome!!
I hope you're doing ok! You'll have your ups and downs for sure, that's just part of that wonderful thing we call life, but KNOW and TRUST that you will be fine!! There's no other option but fine!! <3
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Old 06-04-2015, 02:45 PM
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Welcome to the Forum Hopeless!!
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Old 06-04-2015, 03:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Purpleknight View Post
Welcome to the Forum Hopeless!!
Thanks so much!! I love it!!!
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