A long story about a relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 33
A long story about a relapse
I have had really wonderful stretches of sobriety... I know that it's something I'm capable of. I even know that it's what I want and that just a week or two in I'm going to feel amazing. But I just keep getting derailed. Most recently, I got sober but was experiencing a lot of problems with my boyfriend. Our relationship is kind of unhealthy and mismatched... we're very much in love but we're not really in the same place right now. So we fight often, and often at times when it's really unexpected. We're both pretty sensitive and in stereotypically gendered ways... I can get really weepy, he can get really shouty. It sucks, for both of us.
Anyway at first I was trying to not make any major changes just after getting sober, which meant not making any decisions about the relationship. But then the relationship blew up and I'm drinking again, terrible at a job I just started, and having to be the one to do the breaking up. Which is multiple very long conversations which are emotionally extremely difficult. I am just exhausted. I don't want to be drinking, but I'm scared of being at work and shaking and sweating. Every night I think about how much alcohol I have to buy on the way home so that I don't have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, just in case. I'm not really sure if I've been drinking enough to get scary withdrawals, but it's happened twice before and I'm just terrified of it. I know I should have just never picked up again, but right now it's been 2 weeks and I'm more afraid of being in withdrawal at work than I am of being moderately drunk at work, which is pretty messed up.
When am I going to get to the point where I don't relapse anytime anything stressful happens? I know enough by now to understand how much my life improves when I don't drink. I love it. I was jogging and going to yoga almost every day 2 weeks ago. But emotional stuff happens and I end up locking myself in my room and just drinking and sleeping.
Sorry I know this is just a long stream of consciousness, but if anyone relates to anything in there, I'd really love any kind of guidance.
Anyway at first I was trying to not make any major changes just after getting sober, which meant not making any decisions about the relationship. But then the relationship blew up and I'm drinking again, terrible at a job I just started, and having to be the one to do the breaking up. Which is multiple very long conversations which are emotionally extremely difficult. I am just exhausted. I don't want to be drinking, but I'm scared of being at work and shaking and sweating. Every night I think about how much alcohol I have to buy on the way home so that I don't have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, just in case. I'm not really sure if I've been drinking enough to get scary withdrawals, but it's happened twice before and I'm just terrified of it. I know I should have just never picked up again, but right now it's been 2 weeks and I'm more afraid of being in withdrawal at work than I am of being moderately drunk at work, which is pretty messed up.
When am I going to get to the point where I don't relapse anytime anything stressful happens? I know enough by now to understand how much my life improves when I don't drink. I love it. I was jogging and going to yoga almost every day 2 weeks ago. But emotional stuff happens and I end up locking myself in my room and just drinking and sleeping.
Sorry I know this is just a long stream of consciousness, but if anyone relates to anything in there, I'd really love any kind of guidance.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Tuitui. It's a bad spot to be...I remember when drinking became something I had to do vs something I wanted to do. Can you take a couple days off and see a Dr or Counselor to quit safely? There is definitely a way to live without drinkng , but getting detoxed safely needs to happen first.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: San José, CA
Posts: 8
Welcome Tuitui. I'm sure many of us can relate to the work and alcohol scenario. Is their a possibility to curve the hangover/withdrawal on the weekend and start fresh and sober Monday? You might feel better for it. I hope you the best and good luck!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Welcome tuitui 
Having support like SR changed everything for me - before coming here I had no idea, and no strength, to deal with anything stressful challenging or bad...
The power of support is amazing....and then once you face on situation sober you'll face another and another and another...and you'll see you really can do it
D
Having support like SR changed everything for me - before coming here I had no idea, and no strength, to deal with anything stressful challenging or bad...
The power of support is amazing....and then once you face on situation sober you'll face another and another and another...and you'll see you really can do it
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 33
Thank you all so much for responding. I put myself alone in this a lot... I haven't really found a good support group. But it's really amazing to just hear affirmations from other people who have the same experience.
I will be safe medically. I have the weird unfortunate knowledge of whether a detox is bad - really bad - terrible based on relapsing so often. I don't have a GP but I can be at an ER in 10 minutes if necessary.
I'm just so concerned about this trend with me. I can't afford to go to a rehab center, nor can I afford the time away from work. But if I could have any fantasy come true right now, it would be someone putting me in a room and giving me vitamins and letting me watch stupid tv for a couple of weeks while doing therapy. Which is basically me throwing a tantrum because I'm stressed by my new job and I'm sad about the split with my boyfriend, and struggling with juggling them both. It's just not OK to say, "OK, this is really hard, so I'm going to sleep for a month". Everyone else deals with this. I'm so frustrated with myself that I can't.
I will be safe medically. I have the weird unfortunate knowledge of whether a detox is bad - really bad - terrible based on relapsing so often. I don't have a GP but I can be at an ER in 10 minutes if necessary.
I'm just so concerned about this trend with me. I can't afford to go to a rehab center, nor can I afford the time away from work. But if I could have any fantasy come true right now, it would be someone putting me in a room and giving me vitamins and letting me watch stupid tv for a couple of weeks while doing therapy. Which is basically me throwing a tantrum because I'm stressed by my new job and I'm sad about the split with my boyfriend, and struggling with juggling them both. It's just not OK to say, "OK, this is really hard, so I'm going to sleep for a month". Everyone else deals with this. I'm so frustrated with myself that I can't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Tuitui - Everybody else doesn't "deal with this!" Many people use alcohol and drugs to process new jobs and break-ups with boyfriends. Other folks use random sex, sleep, spending, video games, compulsivity, and/or staying in a crap relationship to avoid their feelings.
You know exactly what you need to do to healthily self-nurture through this time. Vitamins, sobriety, rest, stupid tv, sober-recovery wisdom and support - for the first few weeks, so you can get your feet back under you. Then yoga and movement and opening back out to the world, as you are ready.
Let go of the "I can't." You absolutely can. It is ok to be uncomfortable! It is ok to be sad at the loss of the hopeful fantasy of what the relationship might have been. It is ok that a new job triggers anxiety. That is all absolutely normal.
Is this the easiest time in your life to quit drinking? Maybe not, but there's NEVER an easy or right time! You just made the massive step of ending the relationship, a relationship which was sabotaging your sobriety. You are in a new workplace where you don't already have an identity as the hard-partier. This might actually be a perfect time in your life to throw down!
You are already uncomfortable and miserable - why not combine that with those first couple of uncomfortable and miserable weeks of quitting alcohol? Get it all over with at once! Build your cocoon, curl up inside yourself, then emerge a few weeks from now with your colorful wings unfurled - sober, strong, radiant!!
You know exactly what you need to do to healthily self-nurture through this time. Vitamins, sobriety, rest, stupid tv, sober-recovery wisdom and support - for the first few weeks, so you can get your feet back under you. Then yoga and movement and opening back out to the world, as you are ready.
Let go of the "I can't." You absolutely can. It is ok to be uncomfortable! It is ok to be sad at the loss of the hopeful fantasy of what the relationship might have been. It is ok that a new job triggers anxiety. That is all absolutely normal.
Is this the easiest time in your life to quit drinking? Maybe not, but there's NEVER an easy or right time! You just made the massive step of ending the relationship, a relationship which was sabotaging your sobriety. You are in a new workplace where you don't already have an identity as the hard-partier. This might actually be a perfect time in your life to throw down!
You are already uncomfortable and miserable - why not combine that with those first couple of uncomfortable and miserable weeks of quitting alcohol? Get it all over with at once! Build your cocoon, curl up inside yourself, then emerge a few weeks from now with your colorful wings unfurled - sober, strong, radiant!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 33
Heartcore, you are an awesome cheerleader. Thank you. I just got home from another long and unproductive conversation with my ex, and I needed to hear exactly this kind of thing. You're right. I know I can't avoid the pain forever, either from quitting the drinking or quitting the boy. It's just that ridiculous addict part of my brain that's like "OK, yes, I will suffer ultimately for drinking this wine/talking to this man for another 2 hours... BUT... that is ultimately and now is now so, whatever. As long as I just keep doing now, it can't get me." There is no reason that a young woman should think on a regular basis about whether she's got back pain or organ damage. That stuff IS going to get me, no matter how much I avoid it. Better a bad month than a bad end of life.
And thank you very much Least for the virtual hug. I needed that too.
And thank you very much Least for the virtual hug. I needed that too.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Originally Posted by heartcore 
Tuitui - Everybody else doesn't "deal with this!" Many people use alcohol and drugs to process new jobs and break-ups with boyfriends. Other folks use random sex, sleep, spending, video games, compulsivity, and/or staying in a crap relationship to avoid their feelings.
You know exactly what you need to do to healthily self-nurture through this time. Vitamins, sobriety, rest, stupid tv, sober-recovery wisdom and support - for the first few weeks, so you can get your feet back under you. Then yoga and movement and opening back out to the world, as you are ready.
Let go of the "I can't." You absolutely can. It is ok to be uncomfortable! It is ok to be sad at the loss of the hopeful fantasy of what the relationship might have been. It is ok that a new job triggers anxiety. That is all absolutely normal.
Is this the easiest time in your life to quit drinking? Maybe not, but there's NEVER an easy or right time! You just made the massive step of ending the relationship, a relationship which was sabotaging your sobriety. You are in a new workplace where you don't already have an identity as the hard-partier. This might actually be a perfect time in your life to throw down!
You are already uncomfortable and miserable - why not combine that with those first couple of uncomfortable and miserable weeks of quitting alcohol? Get it all over with at once! Build your cocoon, curl up inside yourself, then emerge a few weeks from now with your colorful wings unfurled - sober, strong, radiant!!
You know exactly what you need to do to healthily self-nurture through this time. Vitamins, sobriety, rest, stupid tv, sober-recovery wisdom and support - for the first few weeks, so you can get your feet back under you. Then yoga and movement and opening back out to the world, as you are ready.
Let go of the "I can't." You absolutely can. It is ok to be uncomfortable! It is ok to be sad at the loss of the hopeful fantasy of what the relationship might have been. It is ok that a new job triggers anxiety. That is all absolutely normal.
Is this the easiest time in your life to quit drinking? Maybe not, but there's NEVER an easy or right time! You just made the massive step of ending the relationship, a relationship which was sabotaging your sobriety. You are in a new workplace where you don't already have an identity as the hard-partier. This might actually be a perfect time in your life to throw down!
You are already uncomfortable and miserable - why not combine that with those first couple of uncomfortable and miserable weeks of quitting alcohol? Get it all over with at once! Build your cocoon, curl up inside yourself, then emerge a few weeks from now with your colorful wings unfurled - sober, strong, radiant!!
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