escapist

I have not been here for a while. I haven't had a drink or a cigarette since I quit them with the support of SR. I can't believe it. It hasn't been difficult to maintain really.
I can't explain what is going on with me now . Maybe because I don't understand it. I do not want to drink and I know that I don't in my heart . I need someone out there to give me some insight . I am in the depression that takes me to the point where I find myself with a drink. Like the precursor to the episode. It's weird. When I am drinking like a "good drunk" I am in the lowest depression there is. It's like I am in an elevator going down. Each level is deeper depression. When I quit a my mood lifts from my alcoholic state and there is the euphoria of sobriety. It is great.
So it's been since 10- 2012. I have been sober for about 2 and a half years. I am not fantasizing about getting drunk, the thought of a drink sickens me, but I am afraid of ending up that way in another few months. I never want to drink again. It is the most pointless destructive zombie behavior I could engage.
I know someone out there knows what I am going through . Any thoughts?

Dee74

Hi escapist - good to see you.

I'm sorry you're so low tho - have you thought of seeing your Dr or a therapist perhaps?

Anything is better than self medication.

D

OCDDan

escapist,
you describe almost to a T how i felt the last time I quit 2 or 3 years ago, I actually only made it to about the 5 month point but felt like I'd have a nervous breakdown if I didn't do something, that ended up me drinking again. I think what is changed for me now (and congratulations on all that sobriety) but, now I KNOW, it will end poorly if I drink. do you ever think you can drink again safely? because if you do, i think that will depress you (and it would me too). Ikn, I'm only 34 days in, so maybe I'll lose my mind later and I'm just full of hot air.. exercise helps me too, long distance bike riding has been great for the endorphins. just my .02 cents for what it's worth.

Ruby2

I'm sorry you're so low. I understand some of what you're going through as I felt like that before my last relapse. Just all this stuff that built up. I only had 10.5 months though and put it down to growing pains in sobriety that I wasn't equipped to handle at the time.

But, since you have 2.5 years under your belt, maybe see a doctor? Is anything else going on that's a stressor? A long while ago I went through a really deep depression and eventually went to the doctor for anti depressants and therapy. It helped lift me out of that.

Good to see you here. Looking for answers, help and support are good steps to take.

escapist

I think I have always been depressed and drinking make it worse . Then I stopped drinking and felt elated but in reality I am still in depression , sober depression. Most of us deal with depression sometimes. I need to learn how to live in it without running from it with alcohol. I never want to drink again. I think I need to get that tattooed on both of my hands. I am so better sober. I work. I become creative. It's like I feel uncomfortable with myself . These are the trouble areas for me.

Dee74

It's true most of deal with depression sometimes - but when it's a constant reoccurring thing it can get debilitating.

I really hope you'll decide to speak to someone about it escapist _

D

Weasel1966

Hey escapist. I hope you will stay around here for a while. Good to get your sea legs strengthened a bit. I deal with depression. I know how it feels to be on the elevator. A little out of control. But we can stop it on a floor where we can still see light. It's never hopeless when we don't drink.

Much love, ken

sugarbear1

Good to see you again, escapist!

Maybe it is time to seek medical help for this depression?

Love and Hugs to you!

mecanix

For me depression was a prison made of my own thoughts and ideas, especially tail spinning repetitive dark ones .
I had some CBT and was also on venlaxafine for a while .

With me it came from my childhood ,if i worked hard, was nice and good then i assumed things would work out , i was also thrust into being an adult early due to divorce , i had to deal with irrational parents be the adult and curb my emotions for the sake of peace .

In that way dealing with emotion , a learned way of dealing with the world, both drinking and depression had similar roots in my life.

Both with quitting drinking and with depression it has been a cathartic experience ,
Dorothy rowe's book "depression the way out of your prison" was handy, other book sellers are available , ( if the link is naughty please delete ) ..

It has been years since i read it , i just read some of the Buddhist noble truths these days and even that feels too much like thinking for me to be wasting too much of the time of my life when i could be living and experiencing what today has to offer .

Thinking your way through life is overrated i'd rather be living it

There is a way out , there is hope i was there , i'm not there now and although it comes back like Winstons' old dog , it don't stay around for long with the right approach .


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Depression-W...of+your+prison

Comeback88

Great 2 and a half years..I think it would be sad to throw that overboard..I myself was sober for a little bit more then one year.. (and that's a lot of years ago) I think it has it's peaks..and dangerous moments ..Wish you Strength

soberclover

You and I have similar sober time. I feel like at this point in my sober journey, I'm at the place where I'm reflecting on bigger goals and what I want to do with my life now. It can be scary. Scary for me = thinking about drinking. This time of year also makes me think about drinking because so many more people are out and about in the warmer weather and sun so I can get a better visual on what is going on with drinking, and the summer/graduation celebrations.

I have to remind myself to be mindful about taking care of myself. Getting a massage or buying a new book or starting a new creative project feels better to me than drinking. Shake up your game a little bit; routine is good but so is breaking old patterns that are too dull. I'm also a fan of contacting your doc. Medication is essential for me, but that is me....we are all different.

ultradad

2.5 years is amazing! Congrats to you! I wish I had answers as I too struggle with depression at times. I'm 13 months sober and came real close to a relapse this past weekend! Why? I was depressed, scared and just wanted that euphoric feeling that comes from about 6-8 drinks! Thank GOD that God placed the right people and circumstances in my life at just the right moment to spare me the insanity of that first drink! I honestly can never doubt that God works in my life when I pray and really need help! I pray you find the help you need!

countrygirl2014

This is the thread I needed today. I have been struggling since Friday night. Today I'm so low it's debilitating. I'm actually going back to bed because I can't deal with it anymore. I just wake up with this dark cloud over me and my heart hurts all day. I'm hoping it's the weather and when the sun comes out so will a better mood. I'm hanging in there. I am not going to drink today.

Jennifer

escapist

Thank you . I am grateful SR is still here. The relapse symptoms are here but I am handling it differently this time. I am reaching out now. In the past I felt like it would be weak to admit I am feeling insecure about my convictions. I don't know why but for some reason I always thought it was better to say , " I'm fine" when really I am not. I quietly withdraw to a dark corner and get loaded. Not this time . I am speaking out . I am going through some blue and I feel like crying and running away. I will never drink again.