Twistered

Hi all

I subscribed to this forum over two years ago, and made a few posts, and then went back to "normal".

"Normal" being that drinking state - but it's coming to a head again.

What's really freaking me out at the moment, is not being able to sleep. I've been trying to sleep out my addiction (not that this will work - but it will mean that I drink less), but I'm waking up in the middle of the night and - even though I'm tired - my head starts telling me to get up and drink. It's like being possessed - I don't know how many people will even understand this!

My weekends are crap. I've been moved abroad, with a really good job, and that gives me structure. But I can barely shop for groceries after I get out of work because, once that structure is over, I'm racing home to get back into a bottle of vodka. I've been here for a few months now, and I'm barely leaving my apartment when I'm not working. It's an amazing city that I'm in, and the weather is beautiful, and I'm sitting in - drinking.

I was surprised to see my last posts - two years ago - talking about not being able to sleep, 'because I keep thinking this is a recent thing. But, it seems like it has been going on for a few years now. Seems a bit scary that I'm so oblivious to it.

To be perfectly honest, I had kind of resigned myself to not giving up drink, but, this is turning into so much horrible-ness. I'm running out of lies to tell people about what I've been upto over the weekend and on evenings. I'm amazed that I haven't been called up in work over smelling of drink - I'm sure it has been noticed - it would be very unlikely that it hasn't. My only thoughts on this is that it's a fairly intensive project and they're happy for me to keep it going. But - Jaysus - I wouldn't be happy with me as I should have my wits about me at all times, and I definitely don't - and I'm starting to lack motivation - even though it's been my dream job.

I don't really know what to do. In my previous posts, I had mentioned that there was some hit to my health from drinking. I'm seeing it even more now. I don't have anyone that I can talk to here. I should take up a hobby, meet people, replace drink - but it's not going so well so far.

I'm living to work at the moment, because work is the only real thing that I have going on. It's a bit of a vicious circle because, the more insular I become, the more difficult it is to go out with people, as I am only making up stuff about what I am doing.

I dunno...

airwick

If it's any consolation to you...I broke my hip, will be out of work for another 4 months because my job required physical labor But, I'm not drinking.........

We all have our problems....but we some how manage to get through it all SOBER!!!!!!

I'm glad you decided to come back

* I read your post again, don't think that I don't feel for you, because I do! Try to be happy. It does no help feeling sad.

A smile goes along way

least

Welcome back! It's totally possible to live a sober life. I've been doing it for five and a half years now and my life is better than ever.

Hevyn

It's so good to see you twistered. Please stay with us and keep talking - we want to help.

Twistered

Thanks guys.

I do remember that this forum was really supportive. Sure, that's why I came back and ended up writing such a long message!

I genuinely don't know what will happen with me. I'm 30 now, and I have been going through a bottle of vodka a day. Usually two drinks in the morning, and the rest when I come home. That's a lot. The morning drinking is particularly bad, as I'll get up a bit earlier so that I can have a few drinks. It's one of the nicest parts of my day - I have a shower, and then tune into the radio from home, and then have a vodka and coke while I get dressed. It's insane to look at it from anybody else's point of view. At what point in my life did it become normal to have a vodka drink while getting ready for work??

Airwick - I hope your hip heals quickly!!

Dee74

Yeah I look back at my life immediately before I quit and it beggars belief.

The good thing is - there's life after drinking - and it's really good

welcome back Twistered

D

Nonsensical

Nearly all of us here at SR.

Welcome back to the fight of your life.

You can do this!

airwick

Twister, I'm 50!!!! so thirty seems very young to me. The hip healing I now realize is a long process.

Thanks for giving the "encouragement" BACK to me. What goes around comes around

Twistered

Thanks guys

I don't know if I'm being a bit too "wordy". All I should say is that I've got a big problem and I need to stop.

It's not being moany - but, did you ever feel like you were worse than anyone else? I really can't imagine anybody I know being such an alcoholic. I've been drinking vodka before work - who does that?

Ok - maybe that is being moany.

Hevyn

I did it Twistered. At the end of my drinking days it was in my system 24/7. I was totally dependent.

lighter

I used to do it instead of work.

Edit: your join date was 2009, according to your statistics.

Twistered

Did you know anyone else who did? It's maybe a bit of self pity - and also a lot of disgust - but I do not know anybody who would get out of bed just so that they could drink before work.

Hevyn

Lighter - Yeah, that too.

Thepatman

I had the same issue. Fall asleep early, wake up middle of the night with my heart pounding.
2 hours later, fall kind of asleep, then bang! My alarm clock.

I remember always thinking, not another day, I hate life.

Now days alarm clock rings and first thing I think of, is how thankful I am to be sober.

lighter

I remember waking up and not being able to remember what I did the previous day, the dread that you might have finally done something that couldn't be forgiven. Then, hearing about throwing a work colleague across the room... And done it in front of my boss.

Yeah.

I don't drink. Haven't drunk for six years. There's always hope.

Twistered

Thanks all.

I'm really not getting anywhere - which is such a weak response.

I'll be totally honest - which, I never am anymore - I haven't even managed to not drink for one night since my last post. I know that nobody here can give me the slap on the head to tell me to stop, but, I really want to.

This is going to be a bit long, so forgive me.

My lifestyle is getting to the point that I can't sustain it anymore. It sounds so superficial - what with all the rest of the bad things that drinking like I do cause - but I actually have nothing to say to people when they ask about my weekend. I can't contribute about general conversations, because my free time is basically taken up with drinking alone. If I manage to go shopping for groceries outside of work, it's an achievement. I have no friends here - and I could make friends - but when it comes to the crunch, I choose staying inside in a safe place, instead of going out and interacting.

I don't even have a drinking buddy!

I know, weekend after weekend, I try and make plans to even go out, but I end up straight on the drink in the morning as soon as I wake up.

I'm definitely making excuses - I hope you'll maybe be able to relate to this - but, I want to know how to get out of this. I gave up smoking two days ago as I have a horrible cough, and this is another issue, but then I was hearing about my colleagues plans and things they did over the evenings, and I actually thought to myself - "drinking and smoking are my only friends right now". Really - that sounds pathetic, and an excuse - but they kind of are. Until I manage to re-adjust how I'm thinking. I bought smokes on the way home anyway - so that was one thing that I failed at.

I know the advice will be to cop on and get out there. And it should be so easy! But it's not, for me. Is there anything that could make this actually work for me? I'm trying. I'm so tired of all the effort that trying takes. I've been trying and failing for so long. It would be so much easier if I didn't drink, but - ??? I have not succeeded - and I really want to.

I'm continuing to post in the hope that this is, in some way, a move forward.

Twistered

Well - the day before yesterday, I slept until I had to get up. I didn't smoke, and I didn't drink, and I went straight into work.

This morning, I woke before 5am, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I did not want to drink. I ran a bath, did a bit of work, and then had a drink in the end. I didn't smoke though, and left my apartment early to get away.

I don't dread the day. I just don't want to wake up and be awake with all these thoughts until I actually have something to do and I'm away from the possibility of drinking.

Before - if I woke up early, I'd be happy that I had more time to go back to sleep. Now - half the time -if I wake up early, I have an insistent thought saying that I could get up and have a drink.

SDH73

You're here and that's a step in the right direction. Your last post describes me pretty well. All I did over my weekends was drink. Nothing fun to share. I just had 5 days off in a row. How many people called or texted me? None. But it's up to us to change that. First things first, quit drinking. Then, hopefully, we can start building something better.

peanut44

My problem is with pills but the "live to work thing"...... wow. That's me! It's like that's all there is. I too live in a beautiful place and i SHOULD be happy. I don't get it. I have every reason to be happy.
Every morning i lay in bed and think of how embarrassed i am because i let another day pass me by.
My husband, on the other hand is totally enjoying the vacation we are on. Yep. I'm on vacation and can't get the pills out of my head.

You are not alone, trust me.

Twistered

Thank you. Thanks a lot for your telling me I'm not the only one. I'm just wasting all of my free time - but, at least with work, I can feel productive and useful.

I know there is no magic formula, but I'm really getting desperate at this stage. Not even to fix the damage that I have done, but just to have some sort of a normal life where I have friends, or could go out - for dinner or something. And to have a conversation! I was travelling back with a workmate today - and we have no real things to talk about anymore, but, I realised then that this was going to be the most interactive conversation I would have until Monday.

I'm desperately lonely here - which is completely my own fault, as I could have built a life already. I'm driving people away so that I can protect my own little alcoholic bubble.