Lance40

I'm coming down from the clouds. At 6+ months I'm going through a reality check. I've been a really proud guy. I'm different, I'm unique, I got this, I know better. Bad memories of drinking and those struggles in the early days of sobriety are fading. I did some difficult sobriety work, but I'm not sure I've really accepted my addictions. I think somewhere deep down inside I've felt like maybe I just had some bad habits that were on the way to becoming a problem, so stopping was more of a preventative measure to avoid a REAL problem.

The urge to use has been building over some time. Unlike drinking urges that come on suddenly and are short-lived, the urge to use comes on slowly over days and weeks and is like a slow itch that needs to be scratched. Over the weekend I mentally gave in to using as not only an inevitability but something to be planned. My first course of action was to hide in the bathroom with my laptop while I did some planning around behaviours that go along with my addictions.

Then it hit me. This massive wave of anxiety that was near panic. And then I saw it more clearly than I ever have. The hiding while mentally planning activities that could be illegal, harmful and self-destructive. And in spite of the anxiety and almost panic that underlying obsession - that burning, craving desire overriding any sense of decency or good judgment - a "devil may care" - I need - I want. A 40 year old married guy indulging in something that in no scenario EVER would be compatible with a loving, committed relationship; a successful career; a solid sense of self-esteem and my own personal safety and good health.

I'm really humbled today. If there ever was a question about my addiction, it came roaring to light this weekend. I'm an alcoholic; I'm an addict. That's part of the brokenness that I carry. I really can't do this on my own. It's not going to be enough to have self-confidence and use slogans and positive self-affirmations. I will need support for the rest of my life, whether formal or informal.

I want to participate in SR and stay active, but I don't really know how to do that. I often am amazed at the words of wisdom and encouragement that others give. Some of you know just the right things to say at the right times. I read a lot but have stopped participating as actively because I am an introvert, and anything I want to share seems self-centered because I draw so deeply on my own feelings and experiences.

I've met with my sponsor and we are lighting the fire under my sobriety work. I've actively gone back into Step 8 of the AA program. I'm struggling because I'm not really willing to make some of the amends I probably should make. I don't really go to AA meetings, but I have committed to my sponsor to go to a meeting tonight. I really don't want to go. I really hope I find the strength and fortitude to go anyway. I need the support of you all too.

I think that's all I have for now. Thanks for listening.

Anna

I'm glad you posted. And, please continue to post. Never underestimate the words you put down here. And, for sure, you need to share your own feelings and experiences. That's all we can do. And, hopefully, the words will resonate with someone who will be motivated.

I'm glad you recognize that you're beginning to go off-course and that you're getting back to basics with your program.

SoberLeigh

(((Lance))); I am so sorry that you are struggling; I applaud you for coming here and so eloquently expressing your thoughts and emotions.

In early sobriety we accept, realize and acknowledge that we cannot safely drink alcohol and that moderation is impossible. Later, many of us reach that point in sobriety where we stop and say "What? Wait. this is FOR LIFE?!". It is then that we need to find that place within us where we accept, acknowledge and realize that "For Life" is the beauty and fulfillment of the Recovery process.

I am so glad that you are taking on more sobriety work. sobriety is too precious to slip through your fingers.

MarathonMan

Takes real balls to look so deep and give such an honest self appraisal. I dont have any words of wisdom but know it takes a lot of inner strength to take yourself apart that way and examine all your flaws. Go to some meeting, every day if you need to while you get over the hump.

Good luck and stay strong.

doggonecarl

Lance, a year ago I was right there where you were, actively planning to use. But I went further, and that next weekend, while my wife was out of town, I spent three days getting high. Five years clean gone in a flash. And my addictive behaviors, in remission for those five years came roaring back.

I was terribly dismayed. I had been battling drug addiction and substance abuse since I was a teenager and here I was, 57 years old, doomed--I though--to struggle with it until I died or it killed me.

But following that spree I recommitted to getting and staying clean and I'm as secure in my recovery as this lifelong addict/alcoholic can expect. I am going to struggle with this my whole life, I think. But for the last year the struggle has gone in the favor of recovery. All my work is geared to keeping that balance.

Hoping the same for you.

Dee74

I don;t think sharing about our experiences to help others is self centered at all.
It might be more self centered not to share at all?

D

Lance40

I made it to the meeting. I sat by the door so I could flee if it got to be too much. As much as I get anxious about going to meetings by the end I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. I didn't get called on to speak, but I heard a lot of great stuff.

least

I'm glad you got to a meeting.

Mark1014

Such wise and beautiful words...thanks for that Leigh.!