Inchworm

Yes, to be honest it has been hard - especially at first. I have to make a decision daily that I won't have any of that wine. When I come home from work my first activity is to make some tea and get out the laptop to read and post on SR. so I can make a decision that supports my sobriety.

He does call himself an alcoholic so I think he is not in total denial. He just thinks that he can be more thoughtful about intake.

soberclover

Great thread!I'm sober and he isn't. We have been together for 6 years but we both maintain our own homes and I with my son who is now graduating high school. While we spend many nights together, I know when his drinking nights are when he plays golf and I stay clear. It is too much of a trigger for me...especially the smell....yuck. If we happen to be together when away and he is drinking for instance, I often sleep somewhere else.

We have had the discussion about how he is a functional alcoholic....and I wasn't. My sobriety is about me...not him. At this point in my sobriety I'm building my life reaching for my goals. It is very complicated this being involved with someone who drinks alcoholically and we are not isn't it?!

Dee74

It's difficult Julie but it can be done. Having a great support network really helps

D

Soberintexas007

I feel like it's important to be honest in this situation. Julie, if I wanted to give a good answer to your post, the answer would promote hope that it can be done.

But the bad, and honest, answer is that it doesn't really work. You have a life or death allergy to the substance your husband/wife is using in front of you each day. You would be far better off, and happier, with a spouse who didn't put that substance in front of your face each day.

juliemacw

We already have different schedules and he works 6 nights. Been together 17 years but always drank together, so I'm not sure what the dynamic will be like. I won't be up late night getting no sleep and up at 530 for my hour commute to work. So basically we won't see each other much. He's a chef. Makes beer, cooks with beer and drinks a few most nights with bourbon. It's part of who he is. He's probably wearing a shirt now that says "Got Beer?" Brings home nice wine so it will be a challenge. Time will tell if we will grow even more apart. But I gotta do it for my kids 10 and 12. Don't want them turning out like me. Don't want alcohol to seem like such a norm like with my family growing up. Don't want to let them down and lose a day to enjoy like because I'm hungover. I am excited not to be hungover

Soberintexas007

Yes, having kids is definitely a variable in this equation. Glad to hear that you seem to be taking good care of yourself.

SoberHoopsFan

For me, it couldn't work. I have no desire to be around people who drink a lot, since I quit drinking. Since it is your spouse, that may be a harder call. I just think it adds a layer of complication to an already difficult task.

Alva

It can be done. My wife has a drink or two max after work and in the beginning it bothered me but really it came down to my own attitude of "poor me, I'm not allowed to drink" Once I accepted I am the one with the problem and I am the one who needs to change it things became easier and now I don't even notice (2.5 years sober) I do have issues when all the kids get together for family weekends and drink on the deck or around the pool. But again this is my problem and I have to deal with it. I find keeping busy gets me through it and holding no resentments towards others as they enjoy drinks helps. Oh and waking up with a clean conscience, not in trouble with my family and 100 other great things are reason enough.

huntingtontx

My husband and I are both alcoholics. He is drunk every night. He is a good man, and I love him, but he has no desire to quit. It does not make me want to drink. I feel even more determined to stay sober in case I am needed to drive him to the hospital if he takes a bad fall. He has fallen a few times. You have to make the decision not to drink. It has to matter more then what anyone else is doing. I tell myself, "don't take the first drink, no matter what." One day at a time, you can do this.

Delilah1

Hi Julie,

My husband drinks nightly as well. He has a few beers each night, and we have had the conversation in the past about cutting back, and I have stopped for periods of time. I stopped for three years with each pregnancy, and several other times for short periods the longest 90 days. I am on day 16 again, I do not think he will ever stop completely, but I need to focus on me and worry about my sobriety. Would it be easier if he stopped, absolutely, but I can't use him as an excuse for me drinking.
Glad you are here.:-)

juliemacw

Thanks all for your perspectives. I'm definitely just concentrating on not having that first one. I'm guessing I could deal with him staying status quo but it will bug me because he will be on a different level of mindset and we are already growing apart. Plus it's sickening to watch him poison himself. His best friend died of liver problems at 46 and my dad died of same thing at 46. We are 49. It's just such a negative way to exist. I have to think of it as poison because it is. I can't let myself feel confident and think I can handle it because I can function ...but miserably

Tippingpoint

My wife drinks. However, she has yet to pour any down my throat so we're all good.

ccam1973

It doesn't make it easier, but it definitely can be done Julie. I am going on 11 months sober and my wife still drinks daily; moderate to heavy.

We have been married for 11 years and together for 18. We met while drinking and lived the drinking life for all of our time together with the exception of my sober time.

You can only control you. Would it be easier if our spouses were sober as well... yes. But if you want to be sober then you can do it. You might have new obstacles or differences in life to contend with.

For me personally, we entered into our relationship drinking, entered our marriage drinking, lived daily lives for the better part of our 17 years together drinking, so I can't fault her for continuing to drink.

It's my choice to get and be sober now and I couldn't be happier with the outcome. I will admit that it takes a lot of patience and understanding from both parties, but there is proof in this forum that if you want it bad enough you can do it.

Like anything in life, this takes work and dedication. With your spouse still drinking, it takes extra effort and will be a daily work in progress.

Just don't drink today... everything else will fall into place.

countrygirl2014

How did I miss this post? My daughter is up. I'll comment later

Jennifer

ChickChick

My husband and I have finally come to the agreement that there will be no alcohol in the house. He can drink a couple of beers here and there, no big deal. If he buys it I'll drink the whole case, or if he just buys a couple it makes my AV go crazy and I almost always end up buying some for myself soon after. He likes me sober, more so than having a couple of beers nightly. We are very honest in talking about my drinking. I can't have it around and we accept that together.

happyandfree

I know it's possible, but I don't think I could do it. I always drank more when I was with someone who drank. I don't think I am strong enough to be with someone who is drinking.

Surrender2win

It's doable, but it can be very frustrating at times... I just have to remember that being sober is my choice.

Hawkeye13

I'm in the midst of seeing if it is doable after 18 years of marriage where I (mostly) was the one with the problem.

Now his problem has grown and I am sober.
I don't like the bad jokes, the negativity, the weight gain, the "you used to drink so don't me a hard time" being thrown up if I complain, the smell on the body as it metabolizes, let alone the breath during drinking.

Overall, I know firsthand the disease is progressive from my own progression, and I am very torn because I realize I cannot live the rest of my life taking care of someone who is getting worse and worse in their drinking and health.

Right now, I'm hoping he will choose to step back, get sober, and take care of himself. He still thinks he can moderate, but I believe the time has past for that. However, he was patient with me and is a much kinder drunk than I was for the most part, so I'm giving it time and trying to stay on my side of the street.

For a long time I found it tempting and did indeed relapse more than once because I wanted us to connect as we used to, and because it was right there in front of me.

These days, I am repelled by the sight, smell, and idea of alcohol so that factor is no longer an issue for me, but it sure was in early sobriety.

I wish you luck--I am struggling with this too because I love my husband very much but I will not allow myself to be consumed or destroyed by alcohol any longer.

juliemacw

We have been married for 11 years and together for 18. We met while drinking and lived the drinking life for all of our time together

Ditto! I don't expect him to give it up. But I doubt we will hang out much as I work early and he works nights and that is basically our only time we hang out. I think he will be bummed if I don't drink but haven't seen him so he doesn't know. Plus he will think sure, yeah right, just like the last time you said that but Day 4 and doing well.