WomanOfMayhem

thanks

Scram

This has been a very interesting thread for me to read. I guess I see so much of myself in it? I have said so many of these things like this in my past - "So I’m hoping I’m still on that threshold and can step back, perhaps not to normal, but back to where I was."

Here's my take, for whatever it's worth. It is rooted solely in my experience and not any type of professional science:

You're an alcoholic, and I think you know that. What you're struggling with is can you keep alcohol in your life without compromising your life itself. If you reread your posts, they're loaded with justifications that drinking has not caused you any major problems yet, and I completely understand that.

Here's the sh*tty truth. It really, really looks like it will. Your trajectory is not good. Small things , like bruising yourself while crashing into your kid's baby stroller while day drinking. Moments like that accumulate, and become bigger, and more serious, and more embarrassing, and more dangerous.

You see, so much of alcoholism is portrayed as this drop from 100 (total sobriety) to 0 (full blown alcoholism) in a matter of a few years. But most of us - particularly functional, accomplished types like yourself - don't follow that path. You're bouncing around 15-20 and you are desperately trying to stay there. I wish you luck.

Eventually, that struggle becomes completely exhausting. The effort and energy it takes to stay above that 15 line is too much... and most importantly, it's futile. You dropped from about a 45 to a 20 in a matter of months. Hitting a 7 or 8 is really not that far off.

My sense is you're not quite there yet. Maybe you're not ready. And maybe you'll never have to... but you likely will. In the meantime, I wish you the best.

lighter

I honestly believe that by the time someone openly wonders if they are an alcoholic they've probably been one for quite some time.

That's my experience, anyway.

Thepatman

Once that invisible line is crossed, people like me can never go back.

I drank to get buzzed and numb, kept quantity lower during the week to be able to work, and would catch up on Friday to end up feeling like death on Monday. I wasted 20 years poisoning myself. I now prefer to live sober. Morning puking is not for me anymore.

Tippingpoint

Everyone has their bottom - you may not have found yours yet. But, at least you have an inkling that you're in free fall.

I could never have gotten my head around quitting till I was ready to do so. Being ready required catastrophe. I had to be crawling on my hands and knees begging for help. I had to be absolutely certain that there was only one way out.

I hope that you get there safely.

SetecAstronomy

First off, I want to say thanks again for everyone who has replied.

I of course don’t agree with everything, and yep, I’m sure any argument I could come up with, someone here has thought before. Obviously having 0-3 drinks/day would be the best thing, as advised by every medical professional and dietician in the world. I know I’m a binge drinker, I know I’m a heavy drinker, I may even be a problem drinker, but I can’t accept that I’m an alcoholic in the sense that I’m not addicted - yet. I do know what addiction is, I’ve quit smoking cigarettes before – more than once in fact And with that, every day is a struggle, it’s all you think about, for weeks, and after that it’s still on the mind a lot, besides the anxiety/restlessness/irratibility/etc. Not drinking a few days doesn’t bother me even slightly, I’ve never craved a drink on a weekday before, and it’s not like anything would stop me if I wanted to start drinking weeknights, I just have no desire to do that.

But yep, there was a “yet” in that paragraph. I originally was worried I might be at risk for alcoholism, and I’m pretty sure if I did continue to regularly drink weekend mornings, I’d not only cause myself problems, but I probably could get addicted. Who knows. I’m not going to find out tho. It scared me how much I liked it tho, and over the past few days reading lots and lots of peoples stories and opinions here. And I’ve realized I don’t like the Monday hangovers, so have committed to no longer drinking Sunday nights, simple enough. I do keep thinking of other, all minor, drinking related – cant think of the right word here – mistakes… incidents… warning signs…

I checked out that MM group. And I googled the lady who started it and she obviously couldn’t manage her drinking and yeah, sad story, people died, she died . I’ve started reading their posts too, and many of them also realized they can’t manage their drinking and chose to completely abstain. Then there’s also people there who are successfully managing their drinking and are doing much better than when they didn’t. But many others seem pretty addicted, I dunno, like can’t keep alcohol in the house without being tempted to drink it. Some of them seem to have to struggle hard to manage their drinking, almost seems to me like not worth the effort. Their goal seems to be healthy drinking (3/day or less) with intermittent periods of sobriety. That’s not exactly my goal, I still want to binge drink, I’d much much much rather drink 15 drinks one day/week than 3/day every day. But they also accept that not everyone has the same goals and try to help support people no matter their goals. I’m going to try posting over there and get their opinions too, although my thoughts have changed a bit since I first posted, have been reading all your responses and other posts, and also thinking a lot about myself and drinking related experiences.

Anyways really really thanks again. Everyone who posted here has helped me think about how drinking has, is, and could affect my life.

kittycat3

What do your kids think about your drinking? Seems to me your binge drinking doesn't jive with being present to them on weekends much?

melki

Many similarities in our reasoning (deprive me anything and I'll just want it more, comparing it to quitting smoking, and many more ). The fact that we prefer to drink less often but binge when we do and have no interest in drinking just one or two clearly points to trouble. The appetite for that binging only gets worse overtime. And you are correct it is exhausting to manage it within limits. Best wishes on the least painful road possible!

GnikNus

You have all the signs. Morning drinking. Blackouts/ forgotten conversations. Thoughts/obsessions about drinking. Alcohol as the center of everything. Family members with problems with drinking. Those things seem to indicate where you are with drinking and where you'll likely end up if you continue.

sugarbear1

Drinking Levels Defined | National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)

esinger

Yeah when my morning OJ somehow started getting a kick to it I new I had a problem. Only you can decide if you have a problem but why not nip it in the bud before it grows into something really ugly.

doggonecarl

Yet you can't give it up...even for 6 months. You could, you say, easily, but you love that weekly pounding of beer too much.

I thought I "just" liked beer and drinking too. Till it became clear that I "needed" to drink. Even more clear when I quit.

It will be clear to you one day. Just hope it isn't too late.

SetecAstronomy

They're barely over a year old, they go to bed at 730pm and sleep 12 hours. And other than the past few weekends, I'm usually not drunk during the day anyway and that's over, but anyways yeah we still had fun those weekends, in fact one of the weekends my wife was busy the whole weekend and I took care of them all weekend, from getting them up, cooking, feeding, cleaning, playing , singing, reading, etc etc until putting them to bed.

TroyW

Just don't do what many of us did, which is wake up 10 years down the road and think to ourselves, "wow, how did I ever let it get this bad?". That's the thing with alcoholism. Many times you don't realize it until you've already done more destruction to your life than you ever thought possible.

Hevyn

Troy - So very, very true in my case. I still can't believe I didn't heed the warnings.

melki

True in my case as well. I think it's because it is VERY slow and sneaky. And between the warning bells you have many good moments (like a great weekend with kids, like stretches of not drinking and feeling that you got it), that lull you into "it's not that bad". And then when things start escalating, there's always a good reason for it, and you shush all the warning signs more and more often.

Hevyn

Yes, that hits home melki. I could always justify it somehow.

MisterChill

Troy nailed it. The final years before the big wakeup call (however long this period is for each) go by really quick. And then the hammer drops. And when you look back on them you realize there was zero reward or prize to be had. A fruitless chase.

The only accomplishment is the realization that you've gone to far and it's time to pay the price. I went at least 4 years of totally knowing I'm going too far and pushing the limits of my health but kept the car in gear just cuz.

kittycat3

Sounds a little scary SA. You aren't drunk when you are taking care of them but you are drinking? I am concerned for them and for you. What if you had to drive one to an ER? Being in charge of kids is a huge responsibility and should not involve any drinking.....
Please think hard about your reasoning and whether it is sound.

lighter

"As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our will power. If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year. If he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there is scant chance of success. In the early days of our drinking we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later. Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic. We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry anything like a year. Some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions; most of them within a few weeks." - Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I think every binge drinker in the world would love to be able to just continue doing it without consequences.

And every alcoholic in the world believes they are not an alcoholic. Until things get so bad that they try to stop drinking according to their pattern. Then, they find out that they are an Alcoholic.

Anyway - good luck to you.

Until you want to give up drinking there's not a chance in the world you'll give up drinking, Alcoholic or not an Alcoholic.